


Between the Black Dirt

by surskitty



Series: Step Aside and See the World [9]
Category: Subarashiki Kono Sekai | The World Ends With You
Genre: Depression, Fanfiction, Grief, M/M, Post-Game, Smut, Soft Guro, Supernatural Elements, Telepathy-related Paraphilias, Unhealthy Polyamory, joshneku is the a-plot while beatneku is very much the b-plot sorry, technical necrophilia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-06
Updated: 2016-01-14
Packaged: 2018-04-30 05:57:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 32
Words: 150,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5152859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/surskitty/pseuds/surskitty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What's a 'work-life' balance? Joshua might not have one, but Neku assumed his would be in pretty good shape. Pity he forgot his friends have opinions of their own. (Sequel to Keep Your Eyes on This Corruption; updates Mondays and Fridays; total wordcount 150k. If you're just looking for smut, kinks are in the end of chapter notes where applicable.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't really do trigger warnings with fanfic, so blanket warnings for Neku and Joshua generally not being in remotely good headspaces re: depression, Neku's family sucking, and Joshua's entire life not being anything to write home about. Neku makes a lot of bad decisions but he ends up on reasonably okay terms with everyone by the end of it. Also, ([rot13 for spoilers](http://www.rot13.com/index.php)) Orng naq Arxh ner qngvat ng gur fgneg bs vg naq gura oernx hc, ohg gurve sevraqfuvc erznvaf ernyyl vzcbegnag gb Arxh guebhtubhg, fb.
> 
> But again! Updates Mondays and Fridays and I have it all written already, so no worries there; I actually just started on the sequel to this. Chapter count is subject to change, but should give you a good idea of how long it'll take for the whole thing to be posted: whenever I split a chapter, it's all going to end up posted on the same day. I just want consistent-sized bites for you to read! :Db
> 
> Major thanks to [Kim](http://archiveofourown.org/users/soudanidaitrashcollective) for encouragement and betaing and [Quicksilver Ink](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Quicksilver_ink/pseuds/Quicksilver_ink) for encouragement!

University is _so_ much better than high school, thank fuck, even if he's got different classmates he needs to get used to. They're all artists, though, and Neku enjoys his classes way more than he thought he would. He figured he'd like them, but still, they're nicer than he'd thought to hope. 

Even if still lifes are bullshit and he wants to punch everyone who thought drawing the same few objects over and over was a good idea for entry-level drawing classes. Art should be _fun,_ not … whatever that is.

He's just started to get into the groove of it all when summer break starts up, and even if he's expecting it, it's still disappointing. 

`I dont think im gonna move back home,` he texts his friends, and he leans back in his desk chair. He'd known he didn't like living with his parents, but two short months of being out of their flat and … yeah, he ain't going back if he can avoid it. He'd share a flat with some of his classmates before that, and he'd be closer to campus to boot. 

`sounds good 2 me,` Beat types back, and there's a lot of reasons Neku loves the guy and this is definitely one of them. It'd be nice if they could live together someday, though Neku knows it'll be a while before they could live in Shibuya on their own. Beat'd probably be happy so long as they're close, but Neku ….

`There will always be a place for you here, Conductor Sakuraba,` Joshua texts back, and Neku sighs. Yeah, that reason. Joshua hasn't been pushing anything since Neku agreed to the title, but it's too much to hope he isn't planning anything. He's the _Composer._ Planning things is his job, and Neku knows Joshua wants him to be a Shibuya resident again as fast as possible, rent prices notwithstanding. 

He sends off a text to Shiki about meeting up sometime, then flips through his contact list. There's only so much tone you can convey over text, and he needs to get this through to Joshua clearly. "Hey," Neku says as soon as he hears the click. "I'm not going to ditch you, you know."

"I wasn't worried," Joshua says blithely, but Neku knows him and knows they're always on a tightrope. It's just how their relationship goes; he can't see them ever thinking they can assume anything. "You've only just started uni, Neku; I hardly expect you to give up your social life for my convenience."

"Well, good," Neku says, but it'd be better if he really _had_ a social life beyond the dregs of everyone else's. "So, since we're clear I'm living here for now, there anything you'd want me to drop by for?"

Joshua's silent for a moment, and it's so odd how Neku never hears his breathing over the phone. He's dead, of course, so it's not like he needs to, but it is -- strange. "There's nothing immediately vital," he says eventually, "but it would be good to introduce you to the reapers, Neku."

"They already know me," Neku says easily, and it's true, from a certain point of view. He's definitely met them all, anyway, and they probably can spot him from a crowd, even if only from the shit Joshua's pulled. "I'm not going to be official for a while, am I?" He sure hopes not, anyway. 

"At your own pace," Joshua reassures him; "there's no need to rush. No, I was actually thinking you might wish to attend our Tanabata party? It's purely a social event, and you're welcome to bring your Daisukenojo along; neither of you would be the only humans."

"A party?" Neku echoes. He hadn't really -- well, Joshua _does_ live in a fancy-ass bar and lounge. "What, at your place?"

"Tradition," he says absently, and it's funny how much can be thrown into one word. "Megumi started it -- said it promotes 'community bonding' -- and I thought it was a good idea. Half of the attendees will be former Players and reapers; you two wouldn't stand out and it would be an excellent opportunity to socialize."

And it would make Joshua happy, Neku finishes. Well, if Neku wouldn't be the only one breathing …. "Yeah, sure," he says, "though I'll need to ask Beat what he thinks. You mind sending me the details?"

"Of course, Neku," and Neku's phone beeps: text received. Must be nice to be composer: look, no hands! "I'll inform you if I have any need of you, hm?"

Yeah, and he'll probably be a presumptuous douchebag while doing so, Neku thinks, though Joshua _really_ isn't that bad. Just seems like it sometimes. "Don't be a stranger," Neku says back, and he's tempted to just hang up. He doesn't, though. 

"… Be well, Neku," Joshua says, and he cuts the call. Funny how he can put all his expectations into three words and all Neku can do is take it. Josh isn't a bad guy, but … he's definitely high maintenance, and Neku's not always sure he's got his own stuff under control.

It'll be okay, though, and he looks through the details Josh sent him before forwarding them to Beat with a `wanna go? yn`

`y` Beat types back, and that's it. He's got plans now. And the party itself doesn't actually conflict with Tanabata, either, so he can chill at the festival as much as he likes. Given how much he hates crowds, that probably isn't going to be much, but it's the thought that counts.

Neku's not a reaper, and he doesn't think he wants to be, either. But if he's going to see dead people, and especially if he's stuck being able to judge the mood of a crowd … he doesn't want to be the only one. Trying to talk to people when you know what's going on in their head _sucks,_ and he doesn't know how he feels about the reaper girl. She's easy enough to get along with, but that's no surprise: he's going to be someone important if Joshua has any say in the matter, and he's lonely. 

Sitting here moping about it doesn't do any good, though, so he pulls out his sketchbook and draws. It'll work out one way or another, and there's plenty of people staying local for clubs and such; he's never truly alone. 

It'll be fine. 

* * *

Even if meeting up with Shiki on her day off's more than a bit awkward. "Long time no see!" he says cheerfully when he spots her at the train station, and she blushes a bit as she waves back. 

She looks so much more mature than she did a few months ago; it's amazing what starting a job can do sometimes. "Hey, Neku," she says, smiling, and Neku pulls her into a hug, Shibuya running through his ears and veins. It's good to be home, even if he can sense her own subtle foreignness, her family being a short train ride away. 

"So how have you been?" he asks, and she goes into a lengthy explanation of her current project. She's still at the bottom of the hierarchy, but a CAT recommendation's good for _something,_ and they're keeping her busy, sewing some days and learning more about the design process others. He's kind of jealous, actually, with how she and Eri've both been actually _getting somewhere_ while he's stuck in school, but they're all moving forward.

(Or at least moving, and for a moment, he considers telling her about Joshua. No, it can wait, he decides; it's rare enough they can have a nice chat like this for him to ruin it with stuff she'll take more seriously than she needs to. Neku is **fine,** honestly; Joshua isn't pressuring him into giving up the Realground.)

"Neku?" Shiki says eventually, and he hears the echoes of her thoughts enough to know she's noticed he's been quiet. "How have you been doing? I know your reaper friend was pulling shit; you know you can tell me if you have problems, right?"

And then they'll sound worse than they are, he adds silently, to Shibuya's displeasure. Neku can make his own decisions, and Shiki doesn't _know_ Joshua; he doubts she'd understand. "It's all been fine, Shiki," he says, and he knows she doesn't believe him. "Josh is happy for me, I think, and my classes are awesome. Hey, did I ever show you what I'm going to do as my summer project?"

"You're dodging," Shiki says quietly, and Neku frowns. "Look, if you don't want to talk about it, we can just not talk about it, but the last I heard was he and Mr H wanted you to do something you didn't tell me much about and then **nothing,** Neku. And Beat doesn't seem to know much, either."

And Neku's going to keep it that way. "Josh wanted something basically harmless," he states, and it's even true. "I'm just -- he did some things so I've got more power in the UG, okay? It's not going to get in the way of anything, and _yeah_ Mr H is a total dick and you should tell Eri to stay the fuck away from him, but there's nothing you need to worry about, Shiki. It's fine."

She pulls up her full height, fists clenched at her waist, and Neku isn't sure how to appease her. An imprint, or something -- and Joshua clamps down on his psi with a spike of pain in his head as Neku recoils. Yeah, that was a seriously bad idea; thanks, Josh. "Neku," she says, voice flat, and he curls in on himself a little, "we all worry about you and it scares me that you're getting involved with this shit. We're **alive,** Neku; please just focus on this world, okay?"

"I can't," he admits, and Shiki gives him a Look, the **explain _now_** one. He takes a deep breath and lets it out in one go: "I'm friends with the composer and I think he's in love with me."

A moment. Another moment, in which Joshua gifts him the sound of his palm slapping his forehead, and -- "What?" Shiki says blankly. 

"My reaper friend? He's the composer," Neku blurts out, and he's not going to get into the whole job offer thing. It's just -- it's just a show of friendship, that Joshua isn't wasting his time by being with Neku, nothing to worry about. "I've told you this before, Shiki, I _swear,_ but he's got some kind of -- mind mojo, or whatever, and it's really hard for most people to remember, because he doesn't like being shot at --"

"This is the reaper who killed you?" Shiki checks, and Neku nods slowly, decisively. "He's in love with you."

"He thinks he is, anyway," Neku confirms, "and -- he's my friend; he's not forcing me into anything." Probably, anyway, and _fuck his life._ "It's okay."

"Does Beat know?" she says finally, and anger and shame flashes through him at what he reads off her. How _dare_ she -- no, it's a reasonable question; he's been covering up enough that cheating wouldn't be a surprise. 

He takes a moment to calm himself, conscious of the composer's quiet intervention, and nods. "He knows we're friends, and he knows we've -- we've fucked a few times, and as far as I know, he's okay with it. I'm not -- I'm not going behind Beat's back for this, Shiki, I _swear_ I would never do that."

She stares at him for a moment longer, then nods. "Sorry I assumed that of you," she says, and he slumps. 

"No, it was a reasonable question," he replies, and he hates that it's true. "I haven't been -- trusting you and Beat enough, and I'm sorry, Shiki. I'm going to do better about that, I promise. … Are we okay?"

She inhales slowly, then lets it out. It's good Shibuya makes it easy for him to keep them inconspicuous; the last thing he needs is strangers overtly listening, though he thinks a few people have noticed they were arguing before moving on. "I think so, Neku," she says, reaching up to adjust her glasses, and he realizes her eyes are wet. "Is there anything else you should tell me?"

Joshua wants him to be the conductor. His final entry fee made it so he's always going to see dead people no matter what he does, so he'd better get used to it. He can scan people _right now_ and he doesn't know how to stop, only to stay in enough of a crowd to drown out anyone he's talking to. "I don't think so," he says casually. "I'll let you know if anything comes up."

"I trust you," she says, and his stomach flips, but he stands by it. 

* * *

He's tempted to bolt home with his tail between his legs after _that_ conversation, but for all his faults, Neku isn't a coward. It's been at least a few weeks since he's been home in Shibuya, and he ought to make the most of it. 

Even if looking up at Beat's apartment building is more daunting than it has any right to be. Rhyme should be off today, though he doesn't know Beat's schedule, and the Bitou parents are more than happy to let him come over so long as he's a good influence, but … Beat's not somebody he'd ask for sympathy when he's the one lying. Nobody is, but Beat's an honest sort and he deserves someone who'll treat him with the same respect in return. 

"You're only delaying the inevitable," Joshua says, and Neku turns to find him a few meters away, somehow ethereal like the dead man he is. "They'll find out eventually, and when they do, they'll turn against me. Your friends all have bright futures, Neku; there's little I can give you that you want, much less need."

Neku snorts. "You're my friend, too," he states, and Joshua chuckles. "You're right: I don't need anything from you, but I like our friendship and I don't want to have to pick between you all. So trust your partner, all right? I'll figure it out." 

"I know you'll try," he says quietly, and Neku bristles at the lack of faith. "If anyone can do it, Neku, it's you, but I've been running my UG without a conductor for a few years now; I can manage for a few more."

"Would we still be friends if I turned you down?" he asks rhetorically, and Joshua gazes off into the distance. "Then don't worry about it, Josh; I'll get my degree and join you and she'll come around eventually."

"I hope you're right," Joshua replies, and he glances up at the building, pinpointing the Bitous' window. "Inform Daisukenojo it's casual dress; I'll see you both at the party, though I must warn you my own attendance will be limited."

"Can't give Pi Face too much of a head start, huh" he quips, and Joshua smiles. "Yeah, I get you. See you then, huh?"

Joshua waves, already vanishing, and all Neku hears in reply is a faint _be well, Neku._

He'll try, but he's got too much shit to balance and no clue how to handle it. Beat could do better, he thinks, and he heads back home. 


	2. Chapter 2

The day of the party comes sooner than he would expect, and part of him's tempted to say fuck it and stay home all day instead. It's just summer blues, though, and he reminds himself of this as he looks through his closet. 

He needs things to do, and a party with Beat is a good idea, especially if it'll help him ease Beat into Neku being involved with the UG for good. He won't kill people; he won't do _any_ of the things that still give him nightmares, but Joshua wants his help and you help your friends, even if they're assholes. He can back out if he needs to; it just hurts that Shiki thinks any involvement at all is too much. Can't he make his own decisions?

Beat used to be a reaper, Neku knows; maybe he would understand. It's better than nothing, and he's going to have a nice time at this party and hopefully Beat will, too. He agreed to go, after all.

_He'd better not have agreed just because he misses me,_ Neku thinks grumpily, and he misses having Joshua to push his unwanted thoughts down. There's a composer here, too, he knows, but they're a stranger to him and the more realistic parts of his brain know they're going to stay that way. He's Shibuya's, after all, and the thought warms him more than it probably should. 

Joshua always keeps his place one of the cold Narakas, and Neku can't picture that changing just because he's actually _using_ his space for once, so Neku takes his time picking out an outfit fit for both the weather and Joshua's shitty dead taste. You'd think it'd be easier to match the ambient temperature, but _no,_ he's got a grudge against their subtropical climate. Bastard.

Casual dress, probably pants instead of skirts, since -- actually, they're reapers. They probably don't care, and that makes things easy: he picks out a cute Natural Puppy floral dress and packs a jacket and a warm set of trousers in his bag, then heads out.

Shibuya welcomes him, as usual, and he feels Joshua waving to him in acknowledgement as he gets off the train. Just a friendly mental hello, a _I'm glad you could make it,_ and then the composer's attention leaves him for more important things. It's a lot of work to set up a party, Neku assumes, and he puts Joshua out of mind in return as he heads over to Beat's place, uncomfortably aware his parents might be home. Best not to let them find out their son's dating a crossdresser, and so he doesn't go up to the building, instead staying safely out of sight range as he texts Beat to come down.

Neku spots him first, of course -- there are perks to telepathy -- and it's all he can do to not throw himself in Beat's arms. It's just so _nice_ to see his friend, and Beat catches his eye and lights up.

"Phones!" he says, pulling Neku into a hug, and Neku melts into the contact, even if Beat's cellphone's digging into his shoulders. "I'm sorry I ain't been visiting much; it's been kind of busy, with the weather and all --" he starts, but Neku shakes his head and pulls him down for a kiss.

His smile feels _adorable_ and Neku enjoys just the feel of it, though they're too public to _really_ get into it. "I know, Beat, and I'm _so_ glad your job's working out for you," he says, and Beat goes red as he looks away, rubbing his neck. "I haven't been able to get myself out of the dorms much, myself, and I don't even have a reason …."

"Everybody's in a funk sometimes," he says authoritatively, and Neku believes him. "You got in! You've been doing stuff! I am so proud of you, bro, you don't even know."

Neku laughs in relief, trying not to think about all the shit he might be _less_ proud of. "You going to be okay at the party?" he asks suddenly, and Beat freezes for a moment. 

"Sure," he says, and Neku knows forced calm when he sees it. "Why wouldn't I be?"

Because everyone there has died at least once. "Shiki's been nervous about me hanging out with some of the reapers," he says instead. "Just wanted to know how you felt about it."

"Shit, man, we gotta do this now?" he says, and Neku looks down. No better time, not when he's going to be in a room full of them in an hour. "The whole reaper thing -- it wouldn't have been so bad, if it weren't for you and Rhyme and everyone," he says eventually, and Neku _hates_ that he has to dreg this shit up, but if he's going to even _try_ to win Beat over about all the Joshua shit, he needs to start small. "They ain't bad people, none of them, and they sort of -- looked after me, a little. Not that I saw it at the time."

There's a lot of stuff neither of them saw, back then. "Go on," he says, unsure if Beat wants contact or distance.

Distance, for now, and Neku wishes he could do something for him. "Reapers don't get skipped ahead to the next day," he says finally, voice hoarse. "That meant I got a lot of downtime and not much to do with it, besides try to get Rhyme out -- anyway. They kept me from getting too far into my head, you know? I'm grateful, even if I don't like them."

"I'm glad," Neku says quietly, gently leading him to a more secluded spot and pulling the district around them. "You needed looking after."

"I did." His face is a bit wet, and Neku'd bet this is the only time he's talked about this. "I don't know how to feel about -- any of this, Neku," he admits, and it hurts to hear, but Neku trusts him to think before he acts. "I trust you, and you got to do what you got to do, but even if none of these folks would leave you in the lurch, they ain't -- they ain't good people, and I worry when you get too involved with them."

How involved is 'too' involved? How far out of it can he even get? "They won't hurt me," he says firmly, and Beat nods faintly. 

"I still ain't comfortable with it, but I sure as hell won't leave you to go it alone," he swears, and Neku glows with pride. "I told you I'd go with you, and I meant it, Neku. You're my friend and I'm too damn stupid to give up now."

"You're not stupid," Neku assures him, and he stands up on his toes to lay a kiss on Beat's forehead. Beat's _such_ a good guy, and he's smarter than Neku sometimes, too, even if Neku's the one who got good grades. Japanese class ain't everything.

Beat tries not to look at him, his hat flopping over his eyes, but he's happy, and Neku kisses his nose, too. Then his chin, and then -- yes, he has a lovely collarbone, and Neku should suck on that, too, seeing as his shirt frames it so nicely. "Neku," he says, a bit hoarse again for a much _better_ reason, "we kinda …."

"No one will notice," Neku promises. "I've picked up a few tricks: we're invisible, and nobody's going to care of we're late."

But _Beat_ might care, he feels, but Neku tries to brush away his concerns and he nods uncertainly. "So long as you're sure," he settles on, and Neku slides his hands up his shirt to squeeze his waist, trailing along his body as Neku tries to recall his anatomy lessons. Latissimus dorsi, down to the iliac crest, and then the start of the glutes, all his muscles still skateboarder-firm and Beat squirms as Neku feels the muscle underneath his fat padding. Beat would make an excellent model if he could hold still for long enough, and Neku's tempted to try sometime. 

"Fuck, Neku," he manages, and Neku smirks up at him. "You know I can't go in and get changed after this, not if I want to get back out tonight."

"I'll just have to not make a mess," Neku proclaims, and he gently leads him over to a bench, trying not to care about the people he sees down in the RG. They shouldn't see them, not with them slightly uptuned and Neku asking the city for privacy, but it doesn't stop Beat from warily eyeing them as Neku sits down and directs Beat to keep standing. 

There really isn't anything quite like giving a blowjob, and Neku understands by now why Joshua likes it so much. He grins up at Beat, his lips evilly lopsided, and his partner goes beet red. Jackpot.

"Don't worry about being rough," Neku says, his fingers in Beat's waistband as he tries to pull his pants down with his teeth, and damn is that harder than it sounds. "I kind of want to walk in looking well-fucked."

"Yo, aren't you close to some of them?" he interjects, but that's most of the point. Josh could use the reminder he's not Neku's boyfriend, and as for the rest of the reapers … Neku doesn't give a shit about their opinion and doesn't care who knows it. 

Beep beep.

Neku swears, letting go of Beat's waistband as he jerks back to check his phone, and there's a foil packet taped to the back. Bemused, he pulls the tape off and tries to ignore Beat's questioning look.

Text from Joshua, not that he's surprised, and he looks it over before deleting it with a glare. `The both of you may be clean, but you should form better habits, Conductor. STDs are unpleasant at best.`

"It's just spam," he tells him, but he does take out the condom packet and unwrap it, checking for holes. Looks fine to him, he supposes, and he pulls out Beat's dick with his hands as Beat squeaks, totally without dignity. 

"Warn a guy!" Beat says, but that's enough warning: Neku unrolls it along his length, then leans in to pull the head into his mouth. It feels more like sucking on a balloon than it really should, taste included, but it isn't _bad._ Just different, and he spares a second to curse interfering composers.

But Beat seems happy, and that's the important thing, Neku supposes, running his tongue along the underside. The condom provides just enough protection for him to not worry too much about brushing his teeth against Beat's cock, no real risk of snagging his foreskin, and Beat groans appreciatively, his hand on Neku's shoulder. 

"You mind if I --" Beat starts, and Neku hums approval, letting him slowly push into his mouth, trying to get the angle right. The plastic triggers a bone-deep reflex -- _can't breathe_ \-- but it's only for a moment before Beat pulls back, and Neku's fine, really. It's good, to know he's putting that tender wonder on his friend's face, and the condom's smoother than a bare cock would be, for better or worse. 

Beat's so gentle as he fucks his mouth -- makes love to it, more like -- and Neku just wants him to be happy. He deserves to be happy, a sweetheart like him, and Beat might feel the same about him but Neku has trouble believing it. Easier to push away his concerns by listening in to Beat's enjoyment as he runs his hand along Beat's cock, paying attention to know when to press harder and how best to surprise him.

If he needs to be psychic, let him do something useful with it; Beat's a good guy and Neku wants him to feel good.

And he is, he knows, Beat murmuring sweet nothings as he runs his hands along Neku's shoulders, his neck, his face, his chest, everything convenient except for his hair, and Neku loves him _so_ much, loves this young man barely anyone expects stuff from, and he's aware for more reasons than the obvious when Beat stiffens and comes. Nothing hitting his mouth, of course, and that's -- weird.

Weirder still when they both pull back and Beat collapses onto the bench with him, and Neku realizes that just because he's a bit telepathic doesn't mean he got off, too. It just means his cock's hard and aching and he's too tired to want anything done about it. He'll recover in a minute, he's sure, but he has that strange aimless feeling that comes from masturbating too many times in one day, even if he hasn't gotten off at all. 

"Thanks," Neku says. "I wanted to do that."

"Dude, any time you want to go down on me, be my guest," Beat replies sleepily, carefully removing the condom from his softening cock and tying it off. "You got anywhere to put this, though?"

Ugh, talk about things he doesn't want in his bag. He takes it from his hands, then drops it on the ground, conscious of Beat's scandalized horror. "Composer?" Neku calls, and it's weird not using his name. Not as weird as what he wants, though. "You wanted me to be careful, so you should be the one to clean up."

The used condom disappears with the ting of a bell, and Beat stares at him. "You got the composer to take care of your trash?"

Not _usually,_ okay; he's not that lazy! "Josh is pretty high ranking," he says slowly, trying to find the right way to phrase this, "so the composer kind of … keeps an eye on me."

"And the head honcho makes sure you don't litter," Beat concludes in disbelief, and Neku shrugs. Something like that. "Shit, man, talk about people who I _don't_ want to notice me."

"He's not that bad," Neku says automatically, and Beat shivers, even though it's too damn hot and humid. Ugh, fooling around was _not_ the best idea he's had, and the languid satisfaction of getting his boyfriend off's wearing thin, what with their sweat and all. "He's kind of a dick, but he's not likely to pull anything, I don't think."

"The boss guy or your friend?" Beat says, and Neku wishes he could just tell him. They're both the same person, and Neku's going to be in charge someday, too, or close to it, but Neku can't tell him that when he still shudders at the thought of the guy who'd brought them back to life, like he'd change his mind if they gave him the chance.

_No one who isn't a composer candidate themselves can remember me,_ Joshua'd told him once, and Neku'd let out a shiver of his own at his memory of their duel. A security precaution, he'd explained: Shibuya won't accept just anyone as its composer, and if reapers could find out what he looked like by scanning someone, he'd have assassination attempts anytime he went into the Realground. Neku can say what he likes in Shibuya, but to Beat and Shiki, Joshua's just a very unsettling and **very** dangerous reaper, not anyone otherwise notable at all. 

It's easier to lie. It's even easier to keep from saying _hey, I'm supposed to be the conductor now_ and know none of that fear and mistrust is directed at **him,** no matter if he knows Joshua hasn't asked much of him, won't dare press so long as he thinks he can get Neku's willing cooperation.

(Joshua's manipulating him and he knows it. He even thinks he knows how and why and what their limits are, what's the most Joshua'd ask or Neku'd take, but what if he's wrong? Joshua's betrayed him before, and they both know it.

(He feels Joshua brushing against his mind when he realizes Neku's thinking about him, and then he immediately snaps back, trying to leave Neku his privacy. Joshua doesn't want to hurt him, Neku knows, but they aren't -- they aren't equipped for this. They're so far out of their depths here, and Neku barely knows if there even is a bottom.)

"I love you," Neku murmurs, pulling Beat closer, and it isn't fair to use him like this. Not when Neku can't bring himself to talk about so many things. "I'm really happy you're here."

"Shit, man," Beat says, tugging on him until he flops onto his lap a little. "You don't ever have to worry, Neku; you're my best friend and I don't know what I'd do without you."

"You'd work something out." Beat might be sweaty, but his arms are so warm and Neku likes having them wrapped around him, his head in the crook of Beat's arm, and not even muggy Tokyo weather detracts from that. They might have somewhere else they ought to be, but some things are important, and this is one of them.

Beat exhales slowly, thinking. It's a good look on his face, his brow furrowing as he puts his thoughts in order, and Neku's full of pride that he taught him to look before he leaps. "You don't have to go to the thing if you don't want to," he says tentatively, and Neku tenses.

"I do want to," he assures him, but Beat seems unconvinced. "There's been some shit going on, Beat; that's all. Ex-Players tend to be good people; we're going to have a good time."

"Damn right we will," Beat says, and Neku smiles. "You know you can tell me if you're having problems, right?"

He's not having problems, exactly. "I know, Beat," he says back, trying to sound like he means it. "There's nothing anyone needs to worry about; I just got some shit on my mind, sorry."

"Aight." He leans back, and Neku pulls himself up, getting ready to leave as Beat stretches. "You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to, Phones, but I'll listen when you do, yeah?"

"Yeah," Neku says, and this smile's small and honest. "Let's get ourselves to the gig, yeah?"

"Fuck yeah."

* * *

Joshua'd made an allowance for their living guests, and Neku is _fucking grateful_ they don't have to trek through the sewers on their way to hang out with some jerks Neku isn't even sure he likes. Instead, they make their ways over to Dogenzaka and knock on the door to Ramen Don, a bit more disheveled than Neku really wants to be in front of the ramen guy. Foresight, the hell is that?

"We're closed tonight!" the old man calls out gruffly, and Neku knocks again.

Begrudgingly, the man opens the door and smiles widely at them in clear recognition. "You looking for your friends, young man?" he says to Beat, and Beat flushes. "If they'd told me you were coming, I'd've started some curry already."

"Neku's my friend, sir," Beat stammers, and Neku scratches his neck awkwardly. "Damn, didn't think you'd remember me …."

"I remember every brat Kariya drags in," he says, not unkindly, and this guy knows the reapers? Like, **actually?** "And you! I know the young man who saved my shop, too. Head straight down and check the restroom; the composer has a sense of humor. Tell them all to send their requests through a runner: I don't want to witness any underage drinking if I can avoid it. And as for you two, you need to stay sober enough to not make a mess of my shop on your way home, understood?"

Neku's still stuck on this guy knowing of the composer, but Beat nods their agreement and they make their escape, scurrying to the bathroom as instructed. They open the door and --

\-- the Dead God's Pad seems almost friendly tonight, a bass beat reverberating through the floor as neon lights illuminate the various chairs and tables along the sides of the room, and there are people everywhere, mostly around their age. Nobody has their wings out, and the only way Neku'd even know some of them are reapers is the spotty distortion his scanning picks up, the pervasive sense of _Shibuya_ providing enough interference for him to feel **normal.**

He's welcome here, and he pulls Beat in with him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blowjobs, outdoor sex; both with Beat!


	3. Chapter 3

A few heads turn as Neku strides in, trying his best to put on an easy confidence, and he hears Beat following him uneasily. He's seen most of the faces around before, usually under a hat or hoodie, but there's plenty of people he hasn't, either, or not away from school. Locals, all of them, and they might not recognize him, but they all understand he belongs. 

"You think there's rules about the food bar over there?" Beat whispers into his ear, and Neku shrugs.

"No idea," he whispers back, and he pulls out his phone to text Joshua a heads up. They're here; now what? 

`Take whatever you'd like; you've a personal invitation from the host, after all. The punch is spiked, but everything else on that table should be safe. Don't accept anything without confirming that the gifter knows you're alive.`

Ominous, but probably good advice. Especially since he remembers some of the stuff behind the bar: reapers are big on the reminders of one's own mortality thing. "Don't drink the punch," Neku warns him, "but the rest should be okay."

Beat looks at him -- how's he know that? -- then shrugs and heads over to the food bar, picking out some snacks. It all looks pretty good, food for the dead or not, and Neku makes his own way over, glancing around for familiar faces as he snags some takoyaki.

"Look what the cat dragged in," a woman drawls, and Neku turns to see Pinky and Lollipop, casually claiming a beanbag chair as their own. "Since when do we let ex-Players go to these things?" she says, and Neku frowns at her. He's not the only living person here, he's pretty sure.

"Ah, leave it, Uzuki," Lollipop says, and he tosses Neku a wink. "Ex-reapers, ex-Players, same difference: so long as we're all Game people, who cares?"

" _I_ care!" she snaps, and Neku's tempted to just walk away. He kind of likes pissing her off by existing, though, so he hops up onto the arm of a couch and keeps paying attention, not even pretending not to listen. "You **know** their type always get all touchy about the erasing people blah blah, like it's _our_ fault we've got jobs; I don't come here for that shit, you know? They can breathe somewhere else: this spot's for us."

Lollipop snorts, and that wave of the hand reminds him more than a bit of Joshua. "They ain't screaming; let them be, Zu. You know you can always chew them out later if you got to."

She fumes for a moment, kicking the wall grumpily, but he has a point and even Pinky in a foul mood can see that. "Fine. I _will,_ " she swears, and Neku snickers. She turns on him, all ruffled feathers and hands like claws, but Neku just gives her a shit-eating grin and she's _delighted,_ always up for someone who isn't intimidated. "So, pipsqueak, there a reason you and your fail-out freshmeat are here?" she says, and he's pretty sure she isn't actually mad. 

He's tempted to share the real reason -- reapers _never_ expect the composer to act on their own -- but it's not the time for it. "I got an invite," he says. "Got to say, though: when I heard the party's to die for, I didn't think they meant boredom."

"Give it an hour," Lollipop advises. "Everyone's still sober, more or less, but that won't last, and when some people get trashed, they get _trashed,_ you get what I'm saying?"

Neku smirks in acknowledgement, but Pinky's just got to explain the joke: "He means the math freak starts on his living sculpture."

Of course he does. "I think you need to be living first," Neku points out, and she sticks out her tongue. 

"Better watch out," she says, "because he's not going to have to work with _you._ "

So she thinks, but Neku's supposed to be the **conductor.** Eventually, anyway, and for now, what she doesn't know won't hurt her. "Yeah, so I don't care if anyone takes pictures," he points out, and Kariya chuckles. "No matter what happens tonight, _I'll_ still have my dignity." With that said, he hops down and goes to find his friends, waving as he makes his exit. 

That's two decent impressions down, fifteen more to go. Wonderful. And that's assuming he only talks to the reapers, but given how a lot of the people he doesn't recognize seem kind of old, that's not a bad assumption.

"So is your reaper friend here?" Beat asks him, and Neku shrugs.

"I don't see him anywhere, but he lives here, so he's got to be, right?" he says, and his stomach flips. Probably better if Joshua _doesn't_ show, all things considered: he's a target for any reaper who knows who he is, and Neku doesn't want to find out if they can tell. Even if Joshua can handle it, he remembers what the third week felt like, and he's **never** going to take someone going after his friends lightly.

Joshua chuckles, and Neku feels it in his bones. `I appreciate your concern, young conductor,` he says, imprint echoing with the sense of Shibuya's approval, and Neku shivers. Joshua's his friend, but the composer ….

They're the same person; Neku has to remember that. "I thought only the composer stayed here," Beat says slowly, and Neku jerks up.

A crackle, and the speaker nearest them turns on. "It's not uncommon for officers to also withdraw from the RG," the synth says, and a few people jump at the sound of the composer's favorite vocaloid. "Our work is never done, and We'll gladly host anyone who devotes their time for Shibuya's sake, young Sakuraba included."

Oh, hell, Josh; could you have **not** drawn Beat's attention to him for once? "The composer likes me," Neku says shakily, and Joshua cuts in, autotuned voice unnaturally smooth. 

"He did very well in the three-week Game, as did you, Daisukenojo Bitou," and something about his voice brooks no argument. "You'll both be welcome in My domain for a long time indeed."

And Beat can't tell if he wants to yell about his given name or run screaming from the whole thing, and Neku wishes he could give him a hug. Joshua can be terrifying sometimes, and he isn't even really _doing_ anything -- but Beat straightens and says with as much respect and formality as he can muster: "Thank you for bringing back Rhyme."

"She earned that on her own merit," the composer corrects, and Beat stiffens. "You owe Me no thanks, nor will I accept them."

So much for that, even if Neku's relieved he's not going to be full of himself about it. "… Right," Beat says, and he turns away, snagging Neku's sleeve without looking to lead him off to the bar, where he plops down on a stool and asks the poor bastard manning it for a cola. Neku gets himself a coffee, and they sit in silence as Beat puts his thoughts together. "I hate this place," he says eventually, and Neku's shoulders drop. 

It's really not that bad, even if the company's lackluster. "I'm sorry," Neku says, for lack of anything better, and Beat sighs.

"Not your fault, bro," he says, and he swigs his soda. "I don't know what I expected, but everything about this -- it's just the worst bits of my life back to haunt me, and I don't -- I don't know how to deal with this, Phones, I'm sorry."

"One step at a time," he advises, and it really is the only way. "I can get us somewhere quiet to stay, if it'd help."

He mulls that over, and Neku hopes _so badly_ Beat won't need to run. There's no way he can make this all work if Beat can't even handle staying here somewhere safe-ish. "Would you?" he says, and Neku smiles in relief.

"Come on," he says, offering Beat his hand, and they take their drinks with them. The layout of this place has changed each time he's been here, but he remembers there being a good napping spot, and that's just what they could use right now. 

Beat hesitates when he realizes Neku's taking them towards the restrooms, but Neku tugs a bit and he follows obediently as they step over a very drunk Pi Face and pass the sinks. (Somebody's been pre-gaming, if he's already plastered.) Neku feels at the wall, and -- aha! It's a door, though maybe only because he looked.

"After you?" he says, holding it, and Beat gets some of his color back as he walks through. 

It's the same nap room Neku's seen before, only this time he can close the door behind him, and he locks it for good measure. It's not that big, but there's a comfy-looking bed next to the bioluminescent jellyfish tank, and Beat gingerly sits down on it. "What's with the fish?"

"I like fish," Joshua says in his own voice, and they both jump as they look around. He's perched on a cabinet, looking almost ghostlike in the dim room, and Beat tenses, though Neku doesn't think he's _upset,_ exactly. "I find them calming, and seeing as I'm one of the few people who use this place …."

"Hello, Joshua," Neku says tiredly, and Beat frowns. "Beat, this is Joshua. Josh, this is Beat."

Joshua chuckles. "It's very nice to meet you formally," he says, and even knowing he's probably sincere doesn't make him sound it. "Neku's spoken well of you."

Beat looks at Neku helplessly, like it's his fault Joshua's a weirdo. "Yeah, uh, nice to meet you too?" he says, at a loss. "Though I _swear_ I've seen you before …."

"Oh, you have," he says easily. "It's hardly important, however, so don't strain yourself: what matters is that you're Neku's friend, and so feel free to make yourself at home."

Beat sure thinks it's important, and Neku can't blame him, but the less he's reminded of the second week right now, the better. "We will," Neku says, and Joshua brightens. "Beat needed somewhere to relax, so I'm busy right now, but text me if you need me, all right?"

"Of course." He hops down, all lithe grace, and turns away, presumably heading back to wherever he's been watching the party. "Be well, Neku, Daisuke -- Beat."

And there's the full name again, Neku notices, though he did correct himself. Had to be on purpose, though, and whatever Joshua's trying to prove … Neku doesn't like it. "So that's the guy," Beat says, and Neku exhales slowly.

"Yeah," he says. "Yeah, that's Joshua."

"Bit of a priss," he observes, and Neku barks a laugh. 

"You have _no_ idea." It seems like he's gone, so Neku sits down, too, and slides his hand up to rub Beat's back. "He's not a bad guy, but he's a total brat and he's shy, too. Bet this is the closest he'll get to the party all night." It'd **better** be, or nobody's going to erase him because Neku'll get there first.

"He lives here, don't he?" Beat points out rhetorically. "You'd think he'd at least show up to something in his own house, even if he ain't the host."

And he _is_ the host, so it's even weirder, Neku supposes, but etiquette's probably different when everyone wants to kill you. "He's shy," Neku says again. "It took him ages for him to find me again after the -- after, remember?"

Beat snorts, and Neku leans on him, trying to be comforting. All this stuff's wearing him out, but Neku hopes Beat'll get used to it enough to understand Neku enjoys it. "He did kill you," he mutters, and it's true. Joshua's used him and abused him and ruined Neku's life, but he's not the same person now that he was then. 

"I don't forgive him," he says slowly, "but I trust him, and I'm not -- I'm not going to tolerate him pulling even a fraction of that bullshit again. He knows that, too, and I think he even relies on that, a little. If he's trying to manipulate me -- if he won't tell me what and how and why when I press … I only got so much patience for bullshit, and I can deal with a guy who's fucked up bad who wants to do right by me. I won't bother if he's not worth it, but he _is,_ he's being very careful not to fuck up real bad, and I. I like him, you know?"

"Yeah," Beat murmurs, and Neku's eyes are a bit wet as he presses his face into Beat's shoulder and Beat pulls him in for a hug. His arms are so thick and muscular and Neku never wants to leave them. "I know."

"I want you to like him," he adds, and his voice is cracking, but Beat's got nothing to say to that. "He's a mess and I _know_ he's a mess and he's not even really a **good** person, he's just not a bad one, and I wish you -- I **know** he's weird and he's really easy to hate, but would you give him a chance? For my sake?"

More silence. "He's a reaper," he says eventually. "I know they ain't all bad people, but that's shit you don't need to get into and I'm gonna try, Neku, I'm gonna try because I love you, but this shit makes me _real_ uncomfortable and I don't know how much I can take."

That's a yes. It's not a strong yes; it's probably the weakest yes he's heard all day; but that's a yes and maybe he can make this work. **_"Thank you,"_** he lets out in a sob, and maybe it's undignified but he lets himself melt against Beat's chest, too.

He's so warm. So warm and it's a little _weird,_ actually, that Neku feels his heart beating and his chest breathing and all the little movements that come with life, but it's good. It's how he's supposed to be, and they cuddle like that for a while as they both try to calm down. "I love you," Neku says, and he tilts his head up to go in for a kiss.

Beat's slow to respond -- he's still thinking about the Joshua thing, Neku senses, and if he could always have the scanning dimmed to intent and impressions, he would -- but he's only reserved, not uninterested, and he kisses back, shy but firm. His lips feel good against Neku's mouth, and Neku moves into his lap properly, his skirt loose enough to let him bracket Beat's thighs as Beat leans back, nervous. "Not that I ain't flattered," he says, "but I don't think this is the place."

"There's a shower right there and I bet you ¥500 nobody'd care if I take you right here," Neku says briskly, and Beat flushes. "I can even check if you want me to."

"Fuck, Neku," he says, and Neku goes in to suck on his neck, and -- " _Fuck,_ Neku."

` You don't mind, do you?` he sends Joshua quickly, barely glancing at his phone as he thinks more than types, and Joshua laughs mentally. 

`He's mortal, he makes you happy, and you're in Shibuya,` he says easily, indulgent in Neku's absurd thought he could possibly be jealous. `Use a condom and I'll have nothing to complain about.`

Josh can _always_ complain, but it's good to know he doesn't mind. ` Thanks,` he says back, meaning it, and Joshua chuckles again. 

`Keep your thoughts on your partner, and we'll call it even, hm?` he quips, and Neku'll get right on that. `I'll leave you to your privacy, then.`

"We're allowed," Neku says out loud, and he grinds his ass down on Beat's thighs to hear him groan. "Come on, let's get washed up."

"Can't believe you actually asked," he mutters, but he gets up when Neku does and he quickly sheds his clothes, calloused hands running over Neku's shoulders as they scramble over to the shower, and this is wonderful. They've rented love hotels before, but this is comfier, Joshua's place more familiar despite the stark aesthetic, and Neku hopes so badly he and Beat will be together long enough to get a place of their own so they can do this any time they want. 

But this is nice, too, Joshua's place adding a forbidden allure even with his blessing, and the shower's just big enough to let them wash each other off, them both casually fumbling with each other's erections just because they can. "Wash my gel out, would you?" Neku says, guiding Beat's hands to his scalp. "We might as well stay overnight."

Beat's parents might notice, Neku hears him think, but they've got the composer on their side. "It'll be fine," Neku adds, and Beat concedes, if reluctantly. Neku moans as he works through his hair, though, and Neku feels Beat's libido wearing through his concerns.

The composer's pad is just a fancy apartment, and there's no reason Beat needs to keep that bone-deep terror at the thought of it. No one's trying to erase them and no one will, and Shades is gone and never coming back. The reapers aren't a threat, and Neku's tempted to kiss him until his brain comes out his ears. 

That can come later, though, and Neku tosses Beat two of the towels left on the counter before wrapping one around himself and the other on his hair. It's weird how he cares about modesty now they're done showering, but it's nice just to relax together like this.

"I could get used to this," Beat mutters, and Neku laughs. "What? It ain't like I'm ever gonna have a fraction of this space of my own."

"Yeah, but it's in the sewer," he points out, smiling, and Beat's mouth drops open. "I don't think I want this much space at that price."

"Shit, nah," Beat agrees, and they shuffle back out, Neku squeezing Beat's ass for a laugh. "Hey, man, give me a sec!" he yelps, but Neku just tackles him back down onto the nap bed, towels forgotten.

God, he's beautiful, his hair contrasting nicely with the flush from the shower, and Beat himself's looking up at him with fond wonder. Neku could do what he wants with him with his blessing, and right now what Neku wants is to kiss him again, his foot sliding behind Beat's knee for balance, and Beat slides his water-softened fingers along Neku's ass, firm and comforting.

It's Beat who was having a rough time, though, so Neku pulls himself up enough to look him over. "You still tired?" he checks, and Beat nods shakily. "How about you roll over and I do all the work, then."

Beat lights up -- he always likes it when Neku feels like giving him a good work over -- and Neku kisses him again, before sliding off him enough to let him move. There's got to be supplies around here somewhere, with the composer being who he is, and Neku searches the cabinet under the jellyfish tank to see if there's -- ah, good, lube and condoms. Exactly what he wanted, and he's got to mock Josh for being an interfering sap sometime. 

He's so fucking beautiful like this, and Neku crouches over his back so he can rub his shoulders and try working some knots out. His muscles are tense, and Neku leans in to kiss his neck as Beat groans. "Come on and fuck me already," he grumbles, but Neku shushes him. 

"Patience." It's not like they get many chances, with Beat still staying with his family and Neku at his dorm. "We've got time."

Beat doesn't bother with words after that, whining a bit as Neku feels along his spine, and Neku carefully avoids touching the scar marks between his shoulder blades. They might be nothing, but Beat was a reaper once, and -- Neku won't risk it, not with him breathing hard as soon as Neku even lets his fingers get near them. 

(Beat used to have **wings,** and a little bit of Neku's jealous at the thought. Not for the associated power, but … he's seen Joshua blissed out at Neku touching his wings. He's also seen Joshua's utter terror at Neku pulling memories out of his mind, and that's a temptation Neku never needs. Not with Beat, dear god not with Beat.)

"Feels weird," Beat admits, as Neku's fingers dig into the muscle a bit below where his wings once attached. "It ain't _bad,_ but …"

Neku could give him his wings back, Shibuya informs him, and he goes a bit pale at the thought. He's not exactly human anymore, is he, and Beat doesn't know. 

`You're Neku,` Joshua tells him again, amused, `and I'll be very displeased if you start building people their wings, Shibuya's approval or no.`

And if Joshua keeps shooting down every nasty idea in Neku's head, they might actually get through this. "You looked good with wings," Neku admits, "but you look better now."

"I feel better," Beat says back, a bit warily. "You gonna, or …."

"Oops," he says insincerely, and he squeezes some lube onto his palm so he can grope Beat with a smirk. Beat yelps, his cock wilting a bit from the still-cold liquid, but they both laugh and Neku comfortably massages him hard again, before redirecting his attentions to his own. Lube, condom, more lube, and he slaps his ass experimentally as Beat jerks and gives him a look. 

"You gonna be a brat today?" he says rhetorically, but his expression's fond and Neku shrugs sheepishly. "Can't say I mind too much."

"I'm a true pain in the ass," he agrees, running his fingers along the crevice before pressing his thumb on Beat's anus. Not hard or anything, but enough for Beat to shoot him a look at his bad joke as he relaxes enough to let Neku ease in. Beat sighs as he does, content, and Neku leans in to kiss his back, sucking on the skin a little.

He's beautiful, and Neku wants him to be happy. That's all that's important to him right now, and the faint cyan light leaves them both looking washed out, alien. As dead as everyone else in this damn place, and Neku jerks his hand forward harder than he'd meant as Beat yelps, startled by the pressure in his ass, but Neku senses the echoes of it and he didn't hurt him. Good.

He doesn't ever want to hurt him, and if he can't tell him everything just yet, he can still show he cares, and he takes his hand away to carefully line his cock up, wrapping his arms around Beat's shoulders. It'd be simpler to ease himself in with his hands, but he knows what he wants and it's good, feeling his cock tease at Beat's perineum as he tries to piggyback on his partner. It takes him a few grinding thrusts to slide the head in, even with his psi helping his aim, but he rests his forehead on Beat's back and feels him shudder. 

"Your hair," he says, trying not to laugh, and Neku shakes his head to tickle him on purpose. _"Phones!"_

"What?" he says innocently, lifting his head enough to stop dragging his bangs. Beat cranes back to look at him, but Neku rocks forward and whatever he was going to say is drowned out by a groan. "Not my fault you're ticklish."

"Feels like something's crawling on me, bro," he grumbles, and Neku takes pity on him, keeping his head up. Yeah, okay, hair brushing the small of your back's got to suck, but it's Beat's fault for being tall. He mutters encouraging dirty talk as he tries to work him over, slowly pulling most of the way out only to pound back in with a wet clapping sound, and Beat jerks forward with every thrust, his own hand clutching his cock as Neku keeps pulling himself forward as he clings to his chest.

Beat's _such_ a good guy, and Neku's caught by surprise by his own orgasm, all of him tightening as Beat clenches down on him and he releases, his psi picking up Beat's need enough to urge him into thrusting a bit more, no matter how tired he is, until Beat splatters onto the bed and they both slump.

"I love you," Neku tells Beat's spine, and Beat says something back that's muffled by the pillow. "… What was that?"

He turns into his shoulder, and Neku sheepishly grabs the condom and slides out, already softening. "I said I hope we don't get in trouble for the mess," he says seriously, and Neku laughs.

"If Josh bugs you about it, he'll have to deal with me," Neku promises, and Beat scrunches his face up.

"This is his room?" he asks warily, and Neku shrugs. Every room is his room in this place, but it doesn't matter. "That guy wigs me out."

"He's not that bad," Neku says again. "Here, let me." He rolls off his back and pulls him over with him, then taps the wall with his foot, trying to get a good enough rhythm for Shibuya's music to follow his will. It takes a few attempts, but he knows he got them and the bed cleaner, and he senses the composer depositing the rest in the trash.

Beat goes quiet at that display, and Neku nuzzles him, reaching around him for a hug as he shuffles up to be the big spoon, Beat's superior height be damned. His hair's soft, and Neku kisses the top of his head. "I got a few tricks," Neku explains, "but nothing you need to worry too much about, all right?"

"Yeah," he concedes. "Just weird, is all."

"And I'm getting pretty good at not scanning people when I don't mean to," he adds, and he hears Beat wondering if he already knew Neku was psychic. (He didn't, but for once, Neku doesn't mind letting things pass as Beat's spotty memory. Less stress that way.)

"Are you a reaper and I just didn't know?" Beat asks quietly, and Neku pauses. "You've been acting strange lately, Phones."

He has. "I'm not a reaper," he says honestly. "I've just picked up a few tricks, that's all."

"Oh," he says. "Good," and Neku feels him relaxing next to him, putting his worries out of mind where they belong. They're still friends, and Neku doesn't ever want to make him uncomfortable if he can avoid it, but Neku likes Joshua, too, and if he can keep from picking between them ….

He'll do what he has to for it to work out. The details can come later, and he lets himself drift off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anal and aaaaaaaaangst.


	4. Chapter 4

It's early when they hear a knock on the door, and Beat snaps up. Neku's less quick on the draw, but he too groggily pokes his head up to see what the noise is, and he sets his hand on Beat's shoulder, sleepily aware he doesn't recognize where they are.

"What is it?" Neku calls, and Beat slumps back down, realizing it isn't the third week all over again.

"I made breakfast," Joshua replies through the door, oddly unmuffled even as he leaves them their privacy, and Neku's grateful, though not as much as Beat. "Take your time getting up, however; it'll keep until you're ready."

"Thank you!" he calls, falling back to rejoin Beat. He'd rolled over during the night and ended up half on top of Neku, but Neku doesn't mind, comfortably curled up under Beat's chin as he is. If he has a warm cocoon made of boyfriend and blankets, all to the better, and they just woke up, after all. They can bask in it, or Neku could …

Beat catches his wrist as he reaches for him, but he's not annoyed. "We should probably get up," he says tiredly, and maybe he's right. Neku doesn't want to move, though, and Beat adds: "I was supposed to go home last night, you know."

"Think the composer took care of it," Neku says absently, and Beat winces. "It's early; Rhyme probably knows you're okay, and your folks won't be worrying with the composer keeping an eye on things. It's all good."

"Should still check," he mumbles, and Neku looks around to dig out their stuff. He's sure he didn't bring a set of pyjamas, but he takes that and passes Beat's phone over, yawning. Beat startles when he flips it open, and Neku cracks an eye to look at him: "It really _is_ early," he says, amazed, and Neku grins.

"Told you." They turned in early, too, so it's not that much of a surprise, but Josh's kept Neku to a schedule before: of course he wouldn't let Beat sleep in, either. "Anything you want to do before heading back?"

Beat stretches, grabbing his (clean again) shirt, and Neku knows he's aware of their morning wood. "Nah," he says, getting up to head to the bathroom. "Think we should just grab breakfast and head out, if that's okay with you."

He'd be lying if he said he wasn't hoping for a quickie, but last night was strange and Neku supposes Beat might need time to think. Bummer. "All right," Neku says, trying to keep his disappointment out of his voice, and he slumps back into bed for now.

Beat can shower alone, if he's going to be like that, and Neku senses him watching him as he buries himself back into the blankets, his phone in his hand. Eventually, he leaves to wash up, and Neku groans. 

`I dont know what im doing WRONG,` he types out, then sends it to Joshua against his better judgement. `Whys he so mopey?`

`I suspect he'd take offense if he knew you were asking me this, Neku,` Joshua replies, and Neku glowers at the screen. `Take a deep breath and get your thoughts in order, then consider how this looks to him. That's all I'll say for now, I'm afraid.`

Sanctimonious bastard, like he actually cares how other people feel. `I think he hates you,` he types out, then deletes it without sending. He doesn't need to tell him that; Joshua probably knows, anyway. 

He probably knows Neku considered saying it, too, and he growls into his blanket. How's he supposed to stay friends with somebody who can see all his ugliest thoughts? And then with Beat and Shiki, he'd rather not let them see any of it at all. 

Neku just isn't that good a person, not the way his friends are. If he were, he'd probably be just as bothered by the reapers as they are: they kill people, after all, and even if they're already dead, that ain't right. Not in the slightest, and he feels Joshua slipping into his mind, paper-light, to let him know there are things he'd like to talk to him about.

Of course there are, and of course there's twice as much Joshua _should_ tell him but doesn't want to. The bastard's full of secrets, and so is Neku these days, only Neku's going to have to come clean sooner or later.

Joshua'll probably be secrets all the way down whenever he's finally erased, and even if Neku wants that to be as far off as possible, that doesn't make the thought any more palatable. 

`I want you to know everything you might need, but I want your friendship more than that,` Joshua texts him, and Neku curls his lip at it. `I've no interest in rushing you into anything you might regret, not when we have time to take it slow, but I want you as my conductor and I'm willing to wait as long as I need.`

And how long is that? His patience can't be limitless, but Neku hears the water shutting off and pushes the thought down. Plenty of time to drag it out of him later, and he thinks Joshua might even enjoy the attempt.

"I'm out," Beat says unnecessarily, and Neku lights up at the sight of him, dressed in a simple t-shirt and shorts. "You can go next, if you want."

"I'll clean up after eating," Neku says, and he gives Beat a good-morning kiss. Beat softens into it, and they embrace like that for a while, unwilling to move, but there's food they ought to eat and Neku leads him back out to the lounge.

It's a bit of a mess from last night's party, belongings scattered around the room (though no trash, Neku notes), but there aren't any stragglers and Neku's grateful. Just Joshua behind the bar, finishing up an omelet, and Neku eyes the food on the table lustily. "Thanks for breakfast!" he says as he dives for the couch, and Beat follows along, neither of their manners sure how to handle a host who's still cooking. 

"I can make more of anything," Joshua calls, and Neku snorts, the absurdity of the situation hitting him. "Anything that's left over will get eaten, I assure you, but eat as much as you like."

"Will do," Beat says eagerly, filling up his plate, but he stops to look at Neku instead of shoving any of it into his mouth. "This ain't reaper food, is it?" he whispers, and Neku shrugs slightly. "Because I been in their kitchen, and let me tell you, some of that shit is _not_ right."

"Josh wouldn't poison you," Neku snaps back, irrationally irritated. It's one thing when _Neku_ gets nervous about it, but Beat barely even knows the guy. "He knows we're alive, and I'd never forgive him, anyway."

He mulls this over, then digs in, concerns forgotten. Neku does, too, and damn, Joshua went all out. Pancakes, rice, fresh bread, eggs … it's way too much food for two people, even with them being Beat and Neku, and they've finished almost all of it by the time Joshua joins them on the other couch and gets himself a small bowl of eggs. 

"You ain't hungry?" Beat asks. Joshua shrugs. 

"I don't need to eat," he admits, and Beat looks down. "I enjoy cooking, however -- I trust the food was to your liking?"

An awkward pause. "Beat'll eat just about anything," Neku says with authority, and Joshua smiles, not unkindly. Beat doesn't know how to take it, though, and fucking hell, can they _please_ get along? He can't even blame Joshua for that much of it: he's being unusually well-behaved, and even knowing he probably _really_ isn't planning anything can't shake Neku's vague feeling of dread. 

Joshua meets his eyes for a moment, then turns to Beat, and the sense of the composer's full attention leaves the hair on Neku's neck standing on end. "Pardon me for my bluntness," he starts, and Neku already wants him to shut up, "but are you more bothered by whatever Neku's feelings towards me may be, or the fact of our association at all?"

Beat stares at him, and it's only Joshua's power lightly wrapped around Neku's own that keeps him from automatically looking for the answer, his self-control nearly nonexistent with Shibuya eager to obey his every whim. "Uh."

This has already gone too far. "Josh, you're being rude," Neku says, but they both just give him a look and tune him out. 

"I ain't bothered by Neku liking other people," Beat says, and Joshua smiles, all teeth. "He can like whoever he wants, and it don't mean he likes me any less. Even if it's prissy bastards like you."

"You simply dislike me, then," Joshua finishes, and Beat nods sharply. "I can't say I'm surprised."

"And you can't say you care, either," Beat snaps, then pales as he realises what he just said. "Sorry, that was …."

Joshua exhales sharply as he pushes his hair back behind his ear and leans away, tired. "You're correct: I **don't** care what you think of me," he says, and Neku wishes he thought it'd help at all if he broke into this. "Neku likes you, however, and I would rather not be the fracture point in your friendship. If you have something to say to me, say it."

"Joshua," Neku says, and he and Beat both look at him, but they don't stop this damn _pissing contest._ Beat's maybe thinking about it, maybe considering how Neku feels about them fighting like this, but he opens his mouth and:

"Why'd you kill him?" he blurts out, and Joshua's small smile just feeds his rage; Beat can't stand secrets and deception and that's all Joshua is sometimes, or at least it feels like it, and right now it's hard to give him the benefit of the doubt. "He hadn't even done anything to you -- how do you fucking justify throwing him into that and then you just -- you just fucking _made us breakfast_ like it's nothing! What the hell is wrong with you!?"

"It was a while ago," Neku starts, but Joshua raises a finger and he falls silent. Damn it; there's no way whatever he has to say is going to **help.**

Joshua thinks about it, and Neku suspects he's putting his words in order, but to Beat it just seems like he's stalling and Neku wishes he wasn't here, wishes he didn't think testing the waters with Beat and the reapers was ever a good idea, but if wishes were fishes, he couldn't fit them all into the tank.

"I thought it would be easier if he hated me," Joshua says eventually, and Neku freezes. "For a while, it was. Anything I could say in my defense will only make me look worse in your eyes, but Neku knows my reasons and he trusts me, even if he doesn't forgive me. He alone has the right to judge me, Daisukenojo Bitou, and if I dote on him on the rare occasion he's within my reach … that's between us, I suppose."

Beat says nothing to that at first, and Neku's grateful. Joshua might have started the fight, but he's just getting it all out into the open, and he deserves a chance. "I still don't like you," Beat says eventually, and Joshua inclines his head.

"I don't expect you to." He turns towards Neku, his smile gaining a wistful edge, and continues: "You see rather more of Neku than I do. Would it be acceptable if I borrow him for a minute?"

"I guess," Beat says slowly. "I need to pack up first, anyway."

Neku glowers at them making decisions for him, but at least they're in some sort of agreement, and Beat glances at Neku to make sure he's okay before running off to pack up. Joshua, for his part, simply stands up and looks at Neku, head down in silent apology. "I'm not happy with you," Neku says, but he pats the couch next to him anyway and Joshua sits down, almost immediately putting his head in Neku's lap.

"I know," he murmurs, but Neku lets his fingers comb through his hair and Joshua groans in appreciation, trying to get more of himself into Neku's personal space. "I wanted to clear the air."

Well, he definitely did that; the only problem's that now Neku thinks they might find more smog. "At least you had some restraint," he acknowledges, and Joshua closes his eyes, content. 

"You ready to go?" Beat calls, and Neku tenses. No, not really, but Joshua nuzzles his hand and sits up, so he might not have that much of a choice.

"Walk him out," Joshua advises quietly as Neku stretches, getting up, and it's funny how he thinks he can talk. "I'm not going anywhere, you know."

"Good point," Neku says back, and he goes to put on his shoes. These pyjamas look enough like real clothes, even if he'd never wear them in public for long, and it's not like he's got anything better to do than head back to Josh's place, so he takes Beat's hand in hand and they head out, uncomfortably quiet. 

The shortcut through Ramen Don's gone, but they at least aren't sent through the sewers: it's a quick stroll past that CAT mural and then they're up at Udagawa with no one the wiser. Beat looks at him for a moment, and Neku gives him a smile, sorry even if a lot of it wasn't his fault. 

"That's the conductor?" Beat says, and the world falls out from under him for a moment. He doesn't know, Neku realizes, and then he could slap himself: Joshua keeps his anonymity as best he can. 

"Composer," he corrects, and if Beat noticed his panic, he's too nice to bring it up. "I'm sorry about him."

"Not all his fault," Beat mumbles, and he's ashamed and Neku doesn't know how to fix it. "I was pissy, and then I blew up -- fuck, I thought I was **better** than that."

"He does that to everyone," Neku says, like it's an improvement. "Some kind of composer thing; he upsets people by existing."

Back out of the lounge, Neku doesn't need to try to hear Beat's disbelief: it might be natural, but his personality sure doesn't help. "I still got to do better," he says, and Neku can agree with that.

"You don't have to see him again if you don't want to," Neku promises, and Beat sighs relief. "He's my friend, but I know he's a bit -- difficult."

That's a word for it. "I'm worried about you," Beat says abruptly, and Neku winces. "Just because you've got a reaper friend don't mean you should go hang with the rest of them, even if they ain't actually _bad._ They don't do much living people shit, you know?"

"Josh thought I might like it," Neku says defensively, his face growing hot. He doesn't want a fight, but he can hang out with Joshua's coworkers if he wants to, damn it.

"I don't trust a reaper bigwig to not be pulling shit," he admits, a bit sad, but he doesn't want a fight either. "I don't think he's plotting murder or anything --" 

"Gee, thanks."

"-- but it still wouldn't surprise me if he wanted you to be a reaper, too."

Silence. Beat's right on the nose, but Neku knows that already and Joshua isn't trying to force him into anything. He knows what he's doing, and he can handle himself, damn it. 

"Just … be careful," Beat says finally, and Neku nods. "I don't want you getting into anything you're going to regret, you know? I love you, bro, but I worry about you, too."

"Yeah, I know," he says back, gripping his sleeve. "I'm being careful, I promise."

"Good."

Well, this is awkward. "See you soon?" Neku tries, and Beat nods firmly, giving him a hug. Neku blushes a bit -- people could _see_ them, even if it's unlikely -- then clings back for a moment, burying his face in Beat's shirt. "I love you," he mumbles, and Beat claps him on the back. 

"I do too, bro," and then he's off, Neku left watching him go before he, too, goes to leave. Joshua probably still wants to see him, and they've got things to talk about.

They always do, and Neku sighs. Maybe Beat's right, but Joshua isn't trying to push him into anything, and Neku can take care of himself.

Nobody else is going to, after all. 

* * *

The lounge is still hooked up to Udagawa, and Neku's grateful. PJs are _not_ fit for walking through sewers.

Joshua's reclined on the couch when Neku gets back. "How did it go?" he says mildly, and for some reason, this show of politeness pisses him off. Neku wants to punch something, wants to see somebody bleed and it could even be him, and this rage is ugly but it's his and he has the right to it if he wants. 

"Don't pretend like you don't know," he snaps, and Joshua leans back, his eyebrows climbing. 

"I'm not omniscient," he says slowly, like Neku's a child or a loose cannon and either way he's not in the mood to be **handled.** "I know you like your privacy, so I kept you and your Bitou out of mind, dear Neku: it isn't a pleasantry."

"Figure it out yourself, then."

Joshua watches him, and Neku bristles, even as he doesn't sense his mental presence and that's just **dandy:** Neku'd want to hurt him if he did. "I'm sorry that went as badly as it did," he says, voice calm and level and _damn him,_ for being above it all. "I had hopes, but they were not to be."

"Beat thinks you want me dead," Neku tells him, and Joshua goes still. They both know it's true, after all; what Neku doesn't know is …. "Would we still be friends if I told you I didn't want to be a reaper? If being conductor, even in name only, was off the table?"

"Are you likely to tell me that?" Joshua says, completely emotionless. "I suspect your friends would prefer you to."

"You're my friend, too," Neku says firmly. "I'm not rejecting you right now, but I do need to know before we get any farther."

Still quiet. Neku watches him, trying to decide if he needs to run, when Joshua barks a laugh. "I don't know, Neku," he says, rubbing his forehead. "I need a conductor and it's -- difficult, for me to have Realground friends. If you ignored your second sight, ignored the UG entirely -- would we even have anything in common? I'm not going to force you to do anything, but there are plenty of things you can help with that require neither significant time investments on your part, nor any powers you don't already have. I want people to **know** you're under the protection of the Shibuya composer, Neku: make of that as you will."

"Okay," Neku says as he lets that sink in. "Okay."

Joshua _really_ doesn't want him to turn him down, and he can respect that. He's not making any promises he can't keep, but Joshua hasn't asked him to do much yet, and he doesn't think that's going to change.

"Sanae hates when I slack off," he adds, and part of Neku feels like whatever pisses that guy off can't be _too_ bad. "Good thing I'm 'bonding with my conductor' instead, huh?"

"You need the excuse," Neku concludes, and Joshua shrugs.

"I'm the composer," he says easily. "I can do what I want, but it's easier for me if I act like I'm following the rules. And the convention is that the one person the composer trusts and relies on, the person everyone knows speaks with My authority and knows My will, is my conductor."

But Neku doesn't, is the thing. He barely knows what Joshua does most of the time. "How are you managing now?" he has to ask, and Joshua flops onto the couch, his head in Neku's lap once again, and just because he's distracting doesn't mean Neku's going to let it go. 

"Kariya -- Kouki, I suppose, though it's strange to call him that; I digress -- has been handling most of Megumi's duties since his erasure," he explains, and Neku feels him suggesting that he pet him again. Not right now, Neku thinks firmly, but he does rest his arm on Joshua's chest, claiming him in a small way. "Coco's a brilliant accountant, too, and both she and Yashiro can be trusted to keep the Game winnable and reasonably humane. We get by."

"The Game's never humane," Neku states, and Joshua cracks an eye open to look at him. 

"The Game is what it is," he says, and part of Neku wants him as far away as possible. He doesn't chase him off, though, and Joshua continues, "Shibuya **needs** refinement. If none of the dead were erased, their souls would stagnant and eventually turn into Noise, slowly consuming the district. They might as well be useful while I try to determine who might be worth resurrecting."

Neku bristles. When he's blatant like this, he can see why his other friends are so bothered by him talking to reapers at all, but Neku knows Joshua, knows he can't be as callous as he acts. "Everyone deserves a second chance," he says firmly. 

"And not everyone can get it," Joshua says back, voice cold. "If you want to keep me from erasing anyone like you and your friends, you had best keep them out of my reach, Neku Sakuraba."

"What, out of Shibuya?" he scoffs, and Joshua stands up to glare at him, passing through Neku's arms like he didn't even notice.

"Out of the Underground," he corrects, and Neku wilts a bit. "If you or your friends so dearly wish to judge me, might I suggest working to prevent wrongful deaths in the _first_ place? My employees could do without Players whose only crime was not looking before crossing the street, you know."

 _Rhyme,_ Neku thinks, and he could cry. She's alive again, has been for years, but it was Joshua who brought her back and she'd _lost._ He didn't have to do that. "Sorry," he manages, and Joshua shakes his head.

"I've never expected to be popular," he says quietly, looking away, "but your opinion matters to me, Neku. Remember that."

"I will," he promises, and he's less than surprised when Joshua vanishes.

`I have work to do,` he texts, and Neku can picture his face, apologetic and a bit wistful. `Remember that there will always be a place for you in Shibuya.`

He won't let himself forget, and even if his dorm's where he lives, Shibuya's his home.

For whatever good that gets him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha, this isn't actually a double update; I just realised that what I had as chapter 3 was 6k and that's longer than I like my chapters being, ideally. So I just split it. You still got the same amount of fic as I had planned, though!


	5. Chapter 5

Summer break's both too long and too short, and Neku isn't sure how he feels about classes starting back up, either. It's probably a good thing, but he still hasn't managed to break the news to Beat and Shiki; whatever momentum he had, the reaper party wrecked pretty handily, and it isn't worth rocking the boat. They're still talking to him, and if keeping them out of the loop with the UG is the price for that, he'll pay it gladly.

Mind you, Joshua barely talks to him at all, and he'd be insulted if he didn't understand why. Everything's more _complicated_ when he gets involved, and it's easier to take things slow. A phone call every other weekend, a text whenever one of them has something to share -- it's not much, but it's a peace offering, a reminder that Joshua doesn't **want** to fuck this up. 

It's just going to happen anyway, and it's not only pessimism that keeps him glaring at the phone every time Joshua calls him.

At least he's got a proper headset by now, so he isn't stuck dropping everything to attend to the Shibuya composer's every whim. (His old Gatito ones live in a box now. Too many memories to actually use them, but also too many to ditch them.)

Neku holds back a sigh, and asks again: "Are you _sure_ it's plugged in?"

" _Yes,_ I'm sure," Joshua claims through his synth, but anyone who'd had to deal with his tech issues would be skeptical. 

He hears Hanekoma clear his throat, and Neku's filled with more gratitude than he'd ever thought that guy would muster again. "Even went and checked that the boss got the power working, Neku," he confirms. "Whatever's up with his new computer, that sure ain't it."

"I don't understand why I need to use electrical sockets all of a sudden," Joshua sulks. "Everything worked just fine before."

Neku shakes his head, though it's not like he can see it. "Except when you needed to make a phone call outside of Shibuya," he points out. "Face it, Josh: I don't think you can cheat the internet."

"Not unless you convince everyone to move their servers to Shibuya, anyway," Hanekoma mutters, and _wow_ is that moment of silence worrying. Last thing anyone needs is Joshua Kiryu, Internet Composer. "Boss, getting a computer's a great idea all around. If an old fogey like me can join the twenty-first century, so can you."

Joshua huffs, and Neku's not really sure joining the 21st century's really the issue here: Neku's seen Joshua's idea of a cellphone and it's _incredible_. But from what Neku understands, composer powers haven't quite caught up to technology, and Joshua … does not cope well with having to do things the normal way. "Do the wires need to be pristine?" Joshua muses. "There seems to be a hole in the orange bit."

Neku groans. "That could do it, yeah." _Hell._

"I think we got this under control, Neku," Hanekoma says finally. "Thanks for your help; you know how the boss gets."

Joshua shoves Hanekoma off the phone, muffled imprecations barely understandable over the line, and Neku makes a noncommittal noise. He wouldn't be surprised if Joshua had just wanted an excuse to monopolize Neku's time for a while, is the thing, and what Joshua says next just about confirms it: "Will you be coming by again anytime soon?"

"I don't have plans to," Neku says shortly. "It's heading up to the end of the semester; I'm pretty busy." Not to mention that he actually kind of likes seeing the rest of town. There's even a café nearby with pastries that are actually edible, and every time he goes, he takes a sadistic joy in knowing his money _isn't_ going to Mr H's sham of a coffee shop. (Seriously, how does WildKat even stay open?)

Joshua hums, disappointed and not really hiding it. "There's a favor I'd like to ask of you whenever you can spare the time," he says. "I won't bore you with the specifics since you're _so busy,_ but inform me when you'll be by so I can make preparations."

Wow. Pissy, much? "Gee, thanks." Joshua's reticence isn't remotely worrying; even odds if he's being a jerk or if it's something he wants to keep from going outside his district, and either way, Neku's _thrilled_. 

"It's nothing that should affect you for long," he adds. "Simply something where I'd prefer your help to Sanae's, if you'll give it."

Neku's pretty sure basically _anything_ would be preferable to asking a certain Sanae Hanekoma for help, but … you know. A leopard never changes its spots, and you can't teach an old dog new tricks. (Actually, you _can_ teach old dogs, and they're often happy to learn. Still doesn't make extricating them from someone they've decided to like any easier.)

But if it's him or Hanekoma, Neku'll volunteer any day. "Sure, I'll let you know, but you did remember Lollipop likes you, right?"

"Kouki's help isn't the kind I'd want for this," Joshua replies primly, a tad insulted, but it's not like Neku was wrong to check. "It's conductor business; you won't mind it. Call me," and he hangs up. 

Asshole.

"Conductor business, huh," Neku echoes as he sticks his music back on so he can direct his attention back to his homework. Composition is the worst bit of illustration, fucking hell, and if he didn't already know he's not cut out to be a comic artist, that would prove it.

Joshua's been playing it safe -- of course he has -- but that's the first time he's been cagey about what he wants, and that's … worrying. Weekend phone calls are one thing, even if Neku'd put yen to yogurt that he's now part of his post-Game routine, but they both know he'll drop the other shoe eventually. Why not now?

('Post-Game routine,' ha. Neku's his distraction after he's either erased somebody or brought them back to life, and he's way too comfortable with not asking him which. Joshua'd answer, too: it's just _Neku_ who's too much of a coward to get into a phone argument. Of course.)

Someday, Neku's going to have to tell Joshua to go fuck himself, and whatever he wants now just might be it, tepid reassurances or no. Or maybe not. Maybe Joshua plans to keep him far enough away from it all that Neku won't be confronted with the reality of what reapers actually do, like that's actually better.

Fuck it, Neku isn't going to get much done like this. It's probably late enough in the evening for Beat to be off work, so he flips through his contact list and calls. "Hey."

"Yo, Phones!" Beat says, and Neku smiles at the sound of his voice. "What's up?"

"Not much," he says easily, and he starts in on telling him about his classes and schoolwork, and even a little bit about Joshua's ignorance of reality, and it's comfortable. Too comfortable, really, given how much he's leaving out, but fuck: if he's going to fight with Beat again over Joshua, Neku wants him to deserve it. 

C'est la vie.

* * *

Though getting all the reapers to vie for his attention's up there on douche moves, Neku thinks. "You know you don't have to suck up to me," he says, but the Kansai girl only shrugs, totally blasé.

"Obviously," she says, and _why_ does he not believe it?

"I'm not even really part of this district," he adds, even though he damn well lives here.

She taps her foot, a bit annoyed. "You're the Shibuya conductor, ain't ya?" _Only on paper,_ he wants to say, but how true that is, he has no idea. "So staying on your good side can't hurt matters any, especially if I want to keep my options open. Not like everyone wants to be a dairy farmer, eh?"

"How … mercenary of you," he manages. God, his life. "Look, I'll -- put in a good word for you, whatever, but you don't need to feel like you have to be nice to me."

"Yeah, because you're _so busy,_ " she drawls, and what is it with dead people judging his life? Can't they be doing … dead people things? "Shibuya, I don't think I've ever seen you with anyone here I didn't introduce you to."

Cold. Completely cold, and Neku wants to argue, but he has _jack squat_ to say to that.

"I can fuck off if you want me to," she adds, "but all us UG types tend to get a bit insular, and you seem like you'd got the determination to leave your district without enough to spare past that. It's no skin off my back to check on you a little."

And that … that's the sort of brutal honesty Neku kind of loves from the reapers. Always self-serving, but not actually selfish, and Neku knows exactly where he stands with most of them. "Thanks," he manages, and she beams.

"So will you be there?" she checks, and Neku shrugs.

"Yeah, unless anything else comes up," and it's amazing how much of a weight off that is.

Unrequited kindness is a rare thing, and as much as Neku likes it, likes being the person who's decent for no real reason, that's not how the world usually works. He hasn't met a reaper who believes in unreturned favors, but they don't move the goalposts that much, either. If they can get more out of it, they'll try, but he can call on them, too. 

Payment in trade. He can work with that.

* * *

Unless he doesn't know what's being asked.

His phone goes off, and he checks it: `Neku? I need you here,` Joshua sends, and he's tempted to just delete it. If he won't tell Neku what's up, he shouldn't be surprised when Neku blows him off.

That's not fair, though, and he takes a deep breath: _trust your partner._ Even if he's an asshole, even if you don't think you can give him a blank check. Trust him, and Neku can walk right back out if he needs to. ` Im busy and I got a thing tomorrow. Can it wait?`

`Honestly? Probably not,` he replies, and _that's_ reassuring. ` I'll owe you.`

`Friends don't generally keep track of who owes what,` Neku informs him, and sighs. Joshua's reaper to the core; the problem is, so's Neku, where it counts. Still, they should at least **try** to keep up their facsimile of a proper friendship. ` Ill be right over but dont feel like you need to pay me back.`

`That I owe you a favor incurs no obligation for you to call it in,` Joshua responds, and Neku rolls his eyes. Way to miss the point, asshole, but okay. And: `Thank you.`

At least the jerk's taken up something resembling manners; Neku's going to have a hell of a time getting all this shit done _and_ still having time for the concert. He'd better appreciate it, that's all.

And Josh didn't give him a timeframe, so Neku goes ahead and packs up some of his supplies. No clue if Joshua has somewhere he could actually work, but it's worth a shot. The guy's somewhat omnipotent; he's got to be able to find Neku some studio space if he needs it, and Neku already knows Joshua might be fucking annoying but he's good at backing off and letting people work.

The evening might not be a total loss, anyway. Just got to hope his portfolio's _sewer_ proof as well as waterproof.

It's easy enough to catch the train, evening rush notwithstanding, and as Neku rides, he realises … if this is conductor-business, like Joshua'd claimed a few days ago, that might be Joshua offering an open-ended _composer_ favor. And that … that might actually be useful. They might be friends, but Neku's never felt up for asking Joshua for anything like that he didn't offer first. Too afraid of unbalancing their whatever-it-is, maybe, or of making Joshua think Neku's just using him. Like _Joshua_ is the one who has to worry about that here. Heh.

(He worries about that for a moment, but he'd drop everything and go for Beat or Shiki, too. It's just … different, when it's Joshua. Joshua, who wants more from him than he knows if he wants to give. Shit.)

A favor, huh. Neku has no idea what he'd ask for, his friendship with the genie never leading him to expect: _make a wish_. He's already got what he'd wanted, really.

Well. He doesn't have to use it if he doesn't want to, and it's not like it'd expire. Maybe one of his friends'll need something. (Shit, he should check sometime what Joshua'd do if Beat, Shiki, or Rhyme died, otherwise he fucking _knows_ what he'd have to save it for. Would Joshua make them go through the Game again? It's not like he's ever said he _wouldn't_ \--)

Joshua's not there when Neku gets to the Shibuya station, or Neku doesn't see him, anyway. Shibuya sounds so different from Nerima and Taitou that he's not sure if he'd notice, or -- no, Joshua's down in the sewers as usual, and there's a reaper over --

"Hey, asshole!" Pinky yells, stomping over to him, and he's not sure how he missed her at first. She's RG, of course, wings invisible, but he'd recognise that fashion disaster anywhere. "The boss sent me to pick you up, so you'd _better_ fucking appreciate it."

"Wouldn't dream otherwise," he says weakly. She peers up at him, brow furrowed, and it strikes him that she's still the same babyface she was in the Game. Weird. "You know, I do know where he lives," he adds, and her perennial scowl drops into a sneer.

"You don't make _guests_ walk themselves in," she drawls, rolling her eyes. "Not even if they're the conductor," and it's incredible how she manages to make that sound like an insult.

"I'm a guest?" he echoes. Not that he's surprised by that, but if _Pinky_ is fine to pick him up ….

"Are you a reaper?" she snipes rhetorically. "Anybody breathing gets an escort. Not even the damn chef gets to come in alone, and **he** at least was a reaper once, not like you, you _cheating fucking bastard_ \--" and Neku bets there's more she'd say, if it weren't for the ding of a text message cutting her off. She instantly pales and checks her phone, and Neku might not be able to see it but he still knows what it says, Joshua/Shibuya filling him in:

` Kindly remember that despite circumstances being what they are, Neku Sakuraba _is_ in fact My conductor, Yashiro,` Joshua sent her, but Neku can fight his own battles, thanks.

"Sorry, sir," she squeaks, looking down, but Neku just sighs.

"No, it's fine," he says. "I don't mind," and he actually doesn't. What does he care if the reapers hate him? They'd just hate him more if they had to act like they didn't. He forces a smile: "Keep going."

She stares at him, a bit baffled, then wordlessly tosses him a pin. Pavo Real, judging by the style, not one he recognises, but … he presses on it and he feels Shibuya lift him up obligingly. Some kind of passive levitation psych, if he had to guess, but damn, he hadn't thought he'd be able to get pins to work again.

Her eyebrows go up, and then right back down -- it's no more than any Player could do, after all -- and she kicks off the ground herself. "Right," she settles on, as she strides purposefully into the sewer now that her boots won't get dirty. "You're the only douchebag I've ever seen at a reaper party who wasn't ever a reaper, you know. The retired peeps I get, but you? What kind of 'service to the UG' gets a live one all the way to conductor?"

There's a bunch of things he can say to that, but fuck it, let's try the truth: "I'm a close personal friend to the composer," he says, and she laughs. "What? It's true."

"How does that even _happen?_ " she says, and before he can warn her, she kicks the wall in disbelief, splattering sewer goop all over her boots as he bursts out laughing. "Hey! It's not funny!"

"No, it is," he assures her, and her sulk lasts them until she stubs her finger on the keypad, letting them in. Problem is, now she needs to take her boot off without getting goop on her gloves, too, and they look at each other for a moment in shared disgust. "I'll get it," he decides, and she smiles at him gratefully as he bends down to loosen it, scowling at any of it getting on his fingers.

There. Now they're both disgusting, but at least they won't have to deal with Joshua's tantrum when they muck up his floor.

It'll work out, he tells himself, and he heads out to the lounge.

* * *

Joshua's not there, not that Neku really thought he would be. _Lollipop_ is, though, cheerfully pointing a stick for the fish to follow, and Pinky brightens (?) to see him.

"Kariya," she yells, stomping over to him, "why is it _you_ get to stay _here_ while _I_ had to deal with this asshole? How is _that_ fair, huh?!"

Lollipop languidly sets down a bucket of treats before answering, looking both Neku and Pinky over. "Seniority, probably," he says easily, and Pinky seethes.

"I outrank you!" she squawks. "That means _you're_ the one who's supposed to get the shit jobs."

"And so I'm the one who attends the boss's whims," he finishes, still with hardly a care in the world. "That means I get to mop while you get to network, Uzuki: fair's fair."

She mulls this over for a moment, then nods sharply, satisfied. "So long as you can fix my gloves," she declares, and Lollipop -- Kariya, fine -- sighs and rolls with it, ready to head out with her.

"The boss is around somewhere," he informs Neku. "Just kinda delicate: you know how he gets." Delicate's not the word Neku'd pick, but he nods anyway, and Kariya follows Pinky out, waving and calling: "Be good, you two!"

Right. Sure. Neku'll try, but first he needs to find Joshua for some kind of … mystery conductor thing, and Joshua's being less than forthcoming. "You gonna tell me where you are?" Neku asks the room at large, but the fish don't answer and Joshua certainly doesn't.

Well, there's probably only so many possibilities, and if the asshole doesn't show up, Neku'll just go back home. He sets down his portfolio case on the table and goes to look. He'll leave the throne room for last: even if it's the most likely choice, that's a pile of bullshit he doesn't want to start with.

Lounge, no. Bar, also no, unless Joshua's hiding in a cabinet and he can't really see him doing that right now, not when the guy's perfectly capable of going invisible. Bathroom … also probably not, but Neku checks anyway as he rinses his hand off. Hey, Joshua left the door to his bedroom open, and _that_ means ….

"You look pathetic," Neku informs him, and it's true. Joshua's curled up on his blankets in human form, head shoved under a pillow and nightgown riding up his legs, and Neku'd be tempted to laugh at him or walk away, only Joshua pokes his face out just enough for Neku to see his abject misery and take some semblance of pity on him. "What did you want, anyway?"

"Neku," Joshua mopes, burying his head again and aiming for the rest of his body at this rate, "I'm moulting and it _sucks_."


	6. Chapter 6

"Moulting?" Neku echoes, and Joshua pulls his head out again.

"My feathers," he explains. "They aren't actually supposed to do that, and it's _itchy_ and _horrible_ and _Nekuuuuuuu,_ " he whines, "make it _stop._ "

"I don't know how to help you," Neku says blankly, and then it sinks in. "You pulled me over here for this?"

"Yes?" Joshua hazards, and something of what Neku's feeling must've shown because he adds: "Neku, this is important."

"Joshua, you have a cold," Neku states flatly, "and _I_ have finals next week, so I can't really be -- whatever you're wanting me to do." Help him when he's being horribly needy, probably.

Joshua's eyes widen, a bit panicked, and he blurts out: "Neku, I meant it about the favor. Anything you need, anything within my power, just tell me and --" He squeaks and rubs at his face.

"Anything," Neku repeats evenly, and Joshua's eyes dart up before he nods, serious. Expecting this to backfire or for it to not be enough, and either way Neku feels a bit like a cad. He takes a deep breath and sighs, frustrated. "What do you need?"

And Joshua looks so horribly hopeful that Neku could nearly forget he's held all their lives in his hands. "If you pull them all out," he starts, hesitant and wary, "then put them back in, that _should_ do it. They're -- they aren't describing my soul properly? So I'm rejecting them, and it _hurts,_ but if you reset them -- Neku, I _tried_ to wait --"

And in his own brilliance, he wasted Neku's time with nonsense instead of what he actually needed. Great. "And you don't want Mr Hanekoma to do it," he checks, though honestly, who would?

… Joshua, apparently. "I don't know what Sanae would do," he mutters, voice small, and even if he doesn't idolise him like Neku did, Mr H is Joshua's _friend_ and that might be worse. "I'd like to trust him, but -- if he left me now, Shibuya would just select another composer, or he could recommend me for promotion, and there's no _risk_ for him … -- Neku, please."

Neku shushes him and sits down next to him, patting his hair. "Don't worry, I'll help you out," he mutters, and Joshua sighs in relief. "Just _tell me_ if there's a problem next time, okay? None of this 'conductor business' stuff."

"But Neku," he says plaintively, "taking care of the composer is the _very definition_ of conductor business." He smiles up at him, self-assured, though he _is_ looking a tad gray. "I can't be letting the other districts know when there's a weakness, can I?"

Neku shakes his head. "Guess not," he concedes, and he pulls Joshua into his lap. "Wings, Josh," he says. "Can't help you if I can't see them."

He sighs, put-upon, though they do fade into view at right angles to everything. At first glance, they're the same tiny feathered things as always, large enough to be cute but too small to be of any plausible use, but Joshua flaps them once to fan them out and dusts his back and Neku's lap with static. Neku rests his hand on one, curious, and --

\-- silence. A complete dead zone, none of the stray thoughts or sense of Joshua he's come to expect, and he's not sure how long he's frozen there before there's a familiar chuckle and a finger flicking his forehead.

"Knock knock," Joshua says. "You still in there?"

"Nah," Neku replies, a bit shaken. "You might have to shoot me again, just to be sure."

"Don't tempt me," he sighs, smiling up at him. "I don't even know where I left my gun."

And when did Neku go wrong, that reminding himself of everything Joshua's done is nearly _affectionate_? Whenever it was, it's _way_ too late to do anything about it, and Neku snorts. He carefully examines Joshua's wings, trying to hold himself back from -- whatever it was, and it's odd.

He'd _thought_ Joshua's wings were feathered, but it's really more … take a reaper's wings and drill some holes for the quills. _That's_ Joshua's, and with whatever's up with them, Neku knows now a lot of the fluff was illusion, purely cosmetic. The real thing's almost mechanical, and Neku absently runs his thumb over the base. Joshua whines with the pressure, but it doesn't seem like a _bad_ sound. Neku thinks.

"I just pull these out and put them back in?" he checks, and Joshua nods jerkily.

"Work from the middle out," he instructs, "and do both sides evenly, or else the whole thing'll collapse. … And me." Like it's an afterthought, barely worth mentioning. "Shibuya knows the order, if you can't remember, but trust your instincts: your intuition's likely to be good. Don't leave any out for longer than you must; it's better to only fix one or two at a time than to let them linger. And don't -- worry too much."

"Right," Neku says distantly, and again as he looks them over. He's half-tempted to stretch them out and see how the joints work, but Joshua whimpers and rubs his wings against his hand the moment he pulls back at all. He really is itchy.

Neku takes a deep breath to prepare himself, then yanks out the two innermost feathers on each side in quick succession, his left hand on Joshua's back to keep him still. Static trails out under the pinions and Joshua yelps, but Neku just taps his fingers on them and shoves them back in, trusting his instincts and trying to ignore Joshua's whimpers. 

"Neku, that really hurt!" Joshua complains, looking back at him, but he's not trying to move out of reach or anything. In fact, he's trying to -- Neku gives in and scratches his back some more, and does his best to ignore Joshua arching into it. 

"I was just doing what you told me to," Neku huffs. "It's not my fault if you told me the wrong thing."

"Well, they don't itch anymore," Joshua concedes, "so you can't be doing it too badly. -- Now do the rest."

With an audience this grateful, how could he ever refuse? Neku sighs, long and loud, but Joshua just gives him a pout. 

Okay. He's not anywhere near done yet. Neku slides his fingers under the four he's already replaced, and Joshua _moans_. "Neku, whatever you're doing --" he manages, but Neku cuts him off. 

"Shush, I'm checking something." The frame of his wings almost feels like bone, and it _hums_. The other feathers aren't carrying it, though, and the four he'd messed with aren't anywhere near enough to carry his song. 

Pride, curiosity, diligence, joy. Neku can hardly follow a few chords without the greater composition, but that's what Shibuya tells him those feathers represent. Not all of it, and not irreversibly, but that's -- that's what drives him, and Neku could've distorted it. Just found the feathers that represented what he wanted from him and moved them; Neku could warp him however he wished, and Joshua could do _nothing_.

"I just thought you should know, Neku," he murmurs, "that I'm grateful. That it's you, I mean."

So much trust, and Neku could destroy him utterly. He never asked for this.

"I'm sorry," he replies, scritching the spot between his wings. His full set of plumage is already showing up again, even with only four tines to reverberate through. He has so much more to do. "I'll try my best."

Joshua snorts, not unkindly, and bites back a curse as Neku yanks the next few pairs out without warning. Quick and precise, that's the ticket, and Shibuya -- he hopes it's Shibuya -- tells him to swap a few as he works. Nothing major, Neku thinks, but _endurance_ becomes _patience_ becomes -- Neku can't tell, only hope he doesn't mess anything up.

(Joshua was already messed up. Neku just prays he doesn't make any of it worse.)

Joshua doesn't complain much as he goes, which is the worst thing. Oh, he's in pain and not trying to hide it, but leaving his power for Neku to do with as he pleases? _That's_ just how it is, and even if Neku doesn't know the full extent of what's up with the wings, he's felt them and scanned his mind with more trepidation than Joshua has right now. Just a resigned certainty that even if Neku tears all his feathers out and -- leaves him to die slowly and painfully, erase himself, he'll have no regrets and Neku of all people would have the right.

"What kind of person do you think I _am?_ " Neku mutters as he finishes, Joshua's wings back to their usual luster. 

Joshua flaps them once, folding the feathers back into their usual places, and looks up at him, not moving from across Neku's lap. "I love you," he says, like it's an answer, and Neku _sighs_.

He's expecting a rebuke again, Neku realizes. All this and he _still_ \-- "Tell me when you have a problem," he says instead. "Don't -- don't act like everything's fine, then beg me when you're desperate. Just -- tell me, and we'll work it out, okay?"

Joshua pulls his arms up and rests his head on his hands, completely comfortable even if Neku's legs are asleep. "I didn't want you to say no," he mumbles. "You were busy."

"Not _that_ busy!" he yells, but he takes a deep breath and tries to calm down. Joshua isn't trying to be insulting; there's no point getting mad at him when he could get mad at Hanekoma instead. Or whoever skewed him like this. (His money's on Hanekoma.) "Look, Joshua …."

"Yes?"

"I am _never_ going to be too busy to help keep something awful from happening to my friends, okay?" And may that always be true, whatever happens. "If you ended up erased, or -- or --"

"Promoted," Joshua fills in, "Sanae could have made me a full angel, if he wanted, and then I'd likely not be able to return to Shibuya for centuries, if ever."

And Joshua _loves_ Shibuya. Neku rubs at his face. "Look, anyone who'd leave you in the dirt like that, that's not friendship, okay? Or at least not normal people friendship -- _tell me_ Lollipop would've at least helped you out." Neku really seriously needs to know there's _someone_ else in Joshua's camp. Please? Neku can't do it all.

Joshua pauses, thinking about it. "He likely would," he concedes, "but we don't have the sort of relationship where -- my wings house my _soul,_ Neku; it's like that for all reapers past a certain age, and before then, they're still very vulnerable." And Joshua just hands them off to Neku without any indication of it mattering. "Kouki is a good man, but simply because I trust him not to kill me on sight is not a good reason to trust him with that."

Yeah. Yeah, Neku can get that. "Just, Joshua …. If you were gone because I was too busy with _homework,_ I'd never forgive myself, okay? I like you, but I need you to talk to me."

Joshua stares at him silently, then pulls himself off Neku's lap, sitting up on his knees. "I'll keep that in mind, Neku," he says finally, and for the love of --! Does he think that little of himself, or of Neku, that this comes as a _surprise?!_

Deep breath, Neku, he's not going to understand it if he doesn't already, and the last thing Neku needs is for Joshua to think he's angry at _him._ And he is, kind of, but it's still not Joshua's fault. 

"My friends come first," he states, and that _Joshua_ is his friend, he leaves unspoken. "So, Joshua …."

"Yes?" he says, sprawling back onto his pillows.

"If -- if my other friends ended up your responsibility --" He can't say 'dead', can't let it sound like a possibility, even though _obviously_ it is …. "What would you do?"

Joshua bites his lip. "I wouldn't give them special treatment, if that's what you mean," he says eventually, and rage flashes lightning-hot through Neku for a moment. Let him continue: "I suppose I'd handle them the same as all Game winners."

"And that is?" Neku presses, because fuck if he can assume anything with this guy. 

"If their soul can still use refinement from the Game, they Play again, though I often pull them out to pass them before the week is up," he explains slowly, casually. It's just his job to him, even if his job is his life. "If not, I simply judge them and give them their options without Playing. Reaperhood, resurrection, or ascension, usually; erasure's reserved for suicides at that point, barring a grievous miscalculation regarding a winner's temperament."

"You erase suicides?" he echoes. But Shiki -- though Neku doesn't know the specifics --

"Only if they've Played before," he says, not unkindly. "And only if they're not after a Game job. I won't waste soul energy on people who misuse it, not when I've plenty of people who want it, but suicides originally get as much chance as anyone else."

Neku lets out the breath he was holding. Okay, that's better. "What's this about their temperament?"

"If they're a drain on the people around them, _obviously_ I won't bother," he drawls. "It doesn't happen often, and I doubt Misaki or the Bitous will be an exception, but if someone uses their second chance at life to make others' worse, I'll gladly erase them. I have to think of _Shibuya,_ not the individual, no matter how good their art is: toxic people take down those around them, and my powers are limited enough without wasting them."

That … makes sense, actually. No point bringing back anyone who'd just hurt people. "How many people do you generally bring back, anyway?" And how many _could_ he, but Neku doesn't want to assume the worst of him.

Joshua hums, thinking about it. "I could show you my records, Conductor Sakuraba," he says instead, and Neku winces. He trusts him, really; Joshua isn't a bad person. "In a good month, four; in a bad one … well, none. Or is it the other way around …?"

"Reviving people's better than not reviving them," Neku says firmly. 

"And yet we couldn't afford our full contingent of reapers and to raise more than one at a time if I wasn't willing to kill them all and be done with it," he notes, and he has to be _trying_ to piss him off. "It's a balancing act. Who is most likely to influence people for the good of all, hm …?"

So what's the point of the Game, then, he thinks, and stops. Most of their missions -- all of their missions the first week -- were about helping people, when you get down to it. Helping people and getting their own heads out of their asses, and Neku for one sure needed it. The second week, well … Pi Face -- Minamimoto -- didn't really have them do much of _anything,_ but even with that, they helped a lot of people, didn't they?

"If we were partners in a normal Game," Neku checks, "would we have been scored on helping out at Ramen Don and so on?"

Joshua beams. "Bingo. Very good, Neku!" Neku rolls his eyes. "And if none of the Players had gone out of their way without explicit instruction, then yes, I'd've erased any survivors by the end. Better to keep a budget surplus than to be wasteful, yes?"

"And the reapers," Neku continues, " _they_ were all Players originally, right?" Joshua nods. "So they _also_ had to help people."

"Bravo, Neku," Joshua says, clapping. "Yes, all of my reapers had to show some amount of initiative and compassion, though the standards are lower. They're less of an investment, you see, and the amount of damage they could do in their first month is minimal."

And yet they're all … they're not very good people, Neku knows, but it's not like he was either, that first week. He got better, he and Beat both did, while Shiki's issues just needed her to talk to Eri after the Game was through. It makes a weird kind of sense. It shouldn't, but … Neku's not sure how to make it better.

Or perhaps he is: "People shouldn't ever be each other's entry fees."

"That was brilliant on Megumi's part, wasn't it?" Joshua replies idly. "Refraining from erasing Miss Misaki in the event of his success and hiding my absence in one fell swoop. Amazing, really, truly an elegant solution."

"It was cruel and wrong," Neku states, but Joshua's cold smile offers no defense.

"It was ruthless," he concedes, "and would have been unacceptable in normal circumstances, but it _was_ brilliant. Oh, don't look at me like that: we restrict our entry fees to within the Shibuya UG. It's too much of a hassle, otherwise."

"She was supposed to be revived," Neku growls. 

Joshua puts his hands up. "And yet that was impossible without my presence, and as you may recall, I was otherwise indisposed. She was a fluke, if a genius one."

He's goading him, he knows he is, but Neku takes a deep breath and doesn't rise to the bait. "I want you to ban it."

"Denied," he says flatly. Hell -- "Consider, Neku, a single mother and her young child, tragically deceased in a car accident. What do you do?"

What does he _do_?! He helps them, of course -- but no, limited resources, if Joshua is to be believed. "Go on."

"Now, the strictest application of the rules would be to enter them into the Game together, already partnered if I were to be _kind_. But a toddler has limited imagination and few useful skills, and would learn little from the experience. She would be heavily handicapped, and for what? It's much easier to set the child as her entry fee and have its resurrection conditional to her own, and _then_ she would have to pact with a stranger and build a bond based on mutual trust in extremity, et cetera, et cetera, all ends in sunshine and happiness."

Neku stares. 

Joshua clears his throat. "Or they're both erased," he finishes, "but it's cleaner than to risk one without the other. So you see: I refuse."

"How … how often does that happen?" he has to ask, still stunned. 

"Often enough."

That's -- well, _fuck_. That's just … **fuck.**

Joshua isn't quite looking at him. "So you see," he says quietly, "as much as I appreciate your idealism …."

Neku nods slowly, not happy to concede the point. "You don't really have good options, do you," he says, and Joshua inclines his head. He's still more ruthless than Neku would like, and Neku's going to keep thinking about it, but all of a sudden he's _so_ glad Beat never ended up composer. It would've destroyed him.

And not the functional way it broke Joshua, either. "I have one good one," he says eventually. "You mentioned homework; would you like to use my studio?"

Wait, what? Neku'd had the idea in the back of his mind, but …. "Sure?" he hazards. He hadn't actually thought Joshua'd offer.

Joshua beams as he stands up and stretches, humming all the while. "Follow me, then," and Neku can't help but crack a smile himself.

* * *

Of _course_ the composer has space for an art studio, but Neku manages to be surprised anyway. It's utterly dust-free, of course, even with charcoal and clay being the sorts of things that _permeate_ and given the easels on one end and wedging table on the other, it should logically be filled with both, but other than that, it's a _mess_. All his unused supplies are put away properly, but drawing pads and canvases abound, and he sees what look like unfinished scale models of the city itself.

No fish tank, though. Somehow he feels almost disappointed.

One of the walls is covered with diagrams of human anatomy; the others, murals of Shibuya in a stark watercolor style. No people, though, just the city itself, but Neku's deadly sure they're up to date, and the certainty leaves him homesick.

Joshua's watching him, gaze somber. "I can blank the walls or change the lighting, if you'd like," he says, forcedly casual, and adds, "Megumi's the only other person who's been in here."

"Not Mr H?" Neku says, and Joshua shrugs. Apparently not. "I'll keep that in mind," he adds.

"Call me if you need anything, then," Joshua says, turning to leave, but Neku stops him:

"Can I look at your art?" he blurts out, and Joshua freezes. Neku hadn't even really known that Joshua made stuff of his own, though he'd assumed -- it doesn't matter what he assumed. Joshua nods, though, and wordlessly strides over to his cabinets.

"Many of these are work-related," he says briskly, "but there should be … here." He gestures and a selection of works slides out of his shelves as he floats them over to Neku, adding a few as he thinks of them. (Neku supposes organisation matters a lot less with clairvoyance.) They're matted, so he might've actually planned to show them to someone, or perhaps the fact he doesn't have to worry about cutting mats left him to be as anal-retentive as he pleases.

Neku carefully looks them through, and shit, Joshua is _good_. Technically skilled, of course, but if CAT's art is filled with bright colors and enthusiasm, Joshua's is stark and poignant, though he doesn't shy away from saturation. Cityscapes, mostly, with some portraits and the occasional abstract piece, and though CAT's work says to enjoy the moment, Joshua's is much more scattered. ` Look at what you could miss`, if anything.

"Do you do anything with these?" he has to ask, though the question's always bothered him, too.

Joshua shrugs. "I've done street art a few times," he says, "but most of that was either to focus my powers as I work or for my own enjoyment. I don't sell any of it, if that's what you mean: I've never much liked the idea of having my own Gatito subdivision."

"You could make your own prints," he starts, then stops. That's always a huge time investment, and Joshua's art is clearly intensely personal. As it is for most people, really, but Joshua …. "So Shades was in here, huh," he says instead, and Joshua smiles.

"Most of the sculpture is his," he says frankly, "as is the recording equipment in the other room. I believe he sold his music, though his sculpture was purely practical." He gazes over to the work tables wistfully, and Neku's hands clam up.

"He lived with you and you killed him," he mutters, and Joshua doesn't look at him.

"He hated the RG," Joshua says. "Keeping an apartment wasn't useful for him, and so he moved in to better serve his composer. Not that we were ever in the same room," and he barks a laugh. "What would you have me do, Neku? Bring him back? He was a good man, but not a very nice one."

He wants for none of that to have happened, that's what. "I think you kind of want to," he says instead, and Joshua's anger flashes. "I don't think you want to have killed him, even if you didn't care at the time."

"Don't you presume what I did and didn't want," Joshua growls, and stops and takes a breath, though he doesn't need it. Then, more levelly: "Megumi was a good man and an excellent conductor, but he was stagnating, hitting his soul's limits for refinement. Now his current incarnation is happier than he ever was, and that's what he deserves, isn't it? He'll be a good person this life, too, and Shibuya will be better for it."

"But not you," Neku finishes, and Joshua stares at him levelly. No, not Joshua, but whose fault is that? He's just yet another casualty of Joshua's own stagnation, and unlike Neku, he didn't get up again. "He's reincarnated?"

"The most conniving little girl anyone did see," he confirms, "though children that age are usually hellions. Megumi will be fine."

Neku tries to picture Shades as a little kid and has to smile: that's got to keep Shades from wearing that hideous suit. Snake-print fabric should be _banned_. "Right," he says instead, "I'm going to try to get some work done, but could I have one of your paintings? I'll trade you."

He blinks and pushes his hair back. "I suppose; it's hardly as if I'm doing anything with them. Take your pick."

Neku glances over them again and chews on his lip. Any one of them'd be nice over his desk, but what he settles on is a delicate illustration of looking down at Hachiko from a high vantage point. On closer inspection … he knows those people: he's one of them. "Why did you paint this?"

Joshua chuckles. "I wanted to," he says easily. "In case you wanted nothing further to do with me, I suppose. You can have it, if you'd like: it was going to be yours anyway."

Some final memento of the Game, a reminder for one or both of them how much had changed. The figures that must be Neku, Shiki, Beat, and Rhyme are indistinct and take up hardly any of the image, but they're the brightest thing there. Neku glances between the painting and Joshua, then smiles, bright and honest. "Thanks."

"Good luck, Neku," is all he replies, and he walks out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think we needed some wing kink and trust issues here! Honestly, we could always use that. Neku/Joshua, unsurprisingly.


	7. Chapter 7

It's always easier to work where other people are working, and Neku half-expected to spend a while floundering in a quiet and unfamiliar workspace, but he falls into a sort of trance as soon as Joshua steps out. Joshua's fault, probably, and it can't hurt that he's in the studio of Shibuya's own composer, but he's grateful. He's no idea how long he spends on his still lifes and then a self-portrait, but it must be hours and his arms aren't even sore. If the composer's intervening to keep him productive longer, that's completely fine with him.

Joshua pokes his head in a few times, too, usually whenever Neku's starting to flag, but all he does is act as a sounding board and help Neku figure out what to do next. He's _easy_ to work near, even with the strange irritating way he gives the world weight with his presence, and Neku's tempted to come by again whenever he needs to make sure he finishes a project.

Which is probably the point.

But even if Joshua's generosity is tempered with self-interest, Neku's left with some of the best work he's done all week, so he can't complain. Eventually he sets down his conté and picks up his work to show Joshua.

Turns out he's in the lounge again, and he's painfully ultraviolet for a moment before fading down to the teenager Neku's used to. "Having fun?" Joshua calls back, and Neku grins.

"Look what I did," he says proudly, showing them off, and Joshua smiles. "Do you know what time it is?"

"You have a phone," Joshua points out, and yeah, but Neku wanted to be _lazy_. He goes to check it anyway, but Joshua continues: "You seemed busy, so I took the liberty of ensuring you'd be accounted for, seeing as you missed curfew and all. You're welcome to stay here, if you'd like." 

Neku nods hesitantly; that's about what he figured. Joshua looks him over, face sly, and informs him, "You sound like you had a good time."

Maybe he did, but …. "I smell like charcoal."

He wags a finger, amused. "It's _Shibuya_ charcoal, Neku, which is infinitely preferable to what you smelled like before." Hey, he didn't smell like the sewer at all --! "Nerima, Neku. You were in the _wrong district_."

Neku stares at him, then groans. "Really, Joshua? _Really?_ "

"It's true," Joshua says, miffed. "You should be grateful I didn't make you take a shower as soon as you walked in."

Neku rubs at his head. "Every time I start thinking you're not that bad," he mumbles, "you do this. Why do you do this?"

"It's a gift," he replies, flipping his hair. "Go take a shower and I'll see if I can pay you back for earlier, hm~?"

"You don't have to --" Neku starts, but Joshua raises his eyebrows and _ouch_ that's awkward. Yeah, sure, shower. Neku flushes and runs off, scrambling to put his art in his portfolio, and Joshua's laughter echoes in his ears.

Neku's taste is _so_ bad sometimes. And yet he can't manage to regret a thing.

* * *

Though he sure does once he's out of the shower. Joshua's cleaned his clothes for him, as always, but he's also left another outfit for him, and Neku once again really fucking wishes the guy didn't think having a fish tank in the bathroom was a good idea. There's a starfish right on the glass, and even if starfish don't have eyes, Neku _still_ feels like he's being watched.

He goes to check what Joshua got him, and notices a post-it on top:

> `You bought that shirt in Ueno, so I got you a better one. ╮(︶︿︶)╭`

If Joshua's seriously that bothered by Neku buying a t-shirt elsewhere, Neku _could_ just leave. Joshua is only shooting himself in the foot here.

(Not literally.)

(Not literally _yet,_ anyway; Neku wouldn't put it past him.)

Or he could just go out without a shirt at all, but it'd just feel _sleazy_ walking around Joshua's place topless, and anyway, Neku'd totally wear a frilly blue blouse. Joshua also left him a pair of yellow capris, which are a little tacky, and a pair of stockings, which … Pac-Man fruit, really? He honestly expects Neku to wear that? Oh, god, and little monkey slippers. No. Just no.

But it is cold in here, and they look warm. But _monkey slippers_. Well, at least he knows he could safely leave them here. (Does he really want to be leaving stuff at Joshua's place, though? They might've been gifts from Joshua, but ….)

The way he figures it, he has three options.

  1. Spite Joshua by wearing his own clothes out, and listen to his copious whining. Joshua is extremely wrong, of course, but his whining skills are to die for. Or die _from_. Both, really. Both sounds about right.
  2. Spite Joshua by wearing his own clothes out and just walking the hell away, which also entails not getting laid, and whatever Joshua's faults, you can't say he isn't memorable. Bizarre, obnoxious, and sometimes horrifying, but definitely memorable.
  3. Spite Joshua by calmly and seriously wearing this outfit like there's nothing weird about it at all, and so not give him the reaction he clearly wants. … And they do look comfortable.



Oh, hell, he's going to do it, isn't he. He's seriously going to -- what is _wrong_ with him.

He strolls out, and Joshua gives him a wolf-whistle when he enters the room. "My, Neku, you look even better than I expected!" he proclaims, and Neku forces down his first impulse.

"Why, what were you expecting?" he replies instead, flashing Joshua his best shit-eating grin, and -- fuck is he wearing a kigurumi. Neku chokes, and howls laughing.

Joshua merely smiles demurely and runs his hand over his fox onesie's ears. "I thought about getting you one to match, but I wasn't sure you would wear it," he says lightly, and fucking hell but did Joshua win this round. "Aren't I adorable?"

"That's -- that's definitely a word for it," he manages, and god, that's even less sexy than Neku's fucking monkey slippers. Oh my fucking god.

Joshua beams. "It's _the_ word for it, Neku, though I forgive you for your uncertainty," he says, incurably annoying, as he gives Neku a come-hither look that would be more attractive if he were wearing nearly anything else. At least his expression matches the fox hood's; you can't complain about his taste. (Well, you can, but it's at least accurate, unlike the goddamn bunny parka. Neku paid for that, damn him!)

Neku rolls his eyes, but goes to sit on the couch with him anyway, cheerfully plopping down between Joshua's legs. Joshua hums appreciatively, so Neku leans back to try to inflict a mouthful of hair on him, but overshoots and wallops him in the nose instead.

"Neku …!" he whines, but Neku just turns around innocently.

"Oh, sorry," he replies, and it's the least sincere thing he's said all day. Joshua scowls at him. Point to Neku.

Hey, wait. Neku might be on top of him, but …. "Would you stand up for a second?" Neku says, doing so himself, and Joshua follows. Okay, so he's at eye-level.

On a hunch, Neku looks down, to where Joshua's ankles are about level with Neku's knees.

Neku looks back up at Joshua's face. "How about you have your feet actually touch the floor, asshole."

"Oh, I _suppose,_ " he huffs, and fucking _wow,_ does Neku really have half a head on him? And Neku isn't even that tall!

"Josh, how long have you been tiny?"

The shortstop crosses his arms and sniffs dramatically, then flops backwards onto the couch like a dead man. "I'm not tiny," he lies blatantly. "It's you who's ridiculous."

Yeah, sure. And Neku has a bridge to sell him. "By what standard?"

He sighs. "Neku, what age did I die, again?" Fifteen, but -- _oh_. If he was going to be a late bloomer …. Neku can't help it; he bursts out laughing at Joshua's expense for the second time that day, and _this_ time, Joshua hadn't planned it. Revenge is sweet, and he settles back down onto Joshua's thighs, basking in his amusement.

"I'm sorry you're short, Josh," he says easily, and Joshua glowers at him. "I'll help you get things off the top shelf if you need me to."

Joshua rolls his eyes and shrugs, like Neku's the one behaving badly, and Neku sticks his hand under Joshua's hood to ruffle his hair. "It's impolite to mock people for things they can't control, Neku, dear," he lectures. "They might take it personally, and then what would you do? I might not even want to kiss you any more."

"Ah, I see," he says neutrally, pulling his legs up to rest his monkey slippers on Joshua's shoulders. "Maybe I'll just sit here and tell you all about the wonderful restaurants within walking distance of my dorm," he says, and Joshua tries to remain impassive, though Neku sees his eyebrow twitching. "There's even this twee little café that has regular hours and everything, and their pastries are actually edible. I could bring you some, if you want. They're _way_ better than Wild --"

" ** _Would you just kiss me already,_** " Joshua snarls, and Neku does, sliding his legs over as he closes in. Neku figured he'd be the one leaning down, but as soon as their faces get close, Joshua snaps up and shoves him back, banging their noses together.

Guess the height cracks really got to him, Neku thinks, as Joshua gazes down at him sharply and jams his tongue in Neku's mouth. Joshua is _seriously_ not the best kisser, but it doesn't really matter as Neku goes slack and lets him lead, even if he is sloppy and overeager. (Neku's still not great at it, either, but he suspects Joshua's more trying to prove a point than anything else.) He even bites Neku's lip in his quest to savage Neku's throat, which … ouch? That is not Neku's idea of a good time, and he pulls back. Joshua leans forward with him, and lets out a whine as Neku moves out of reach.

"What?" Joshua says, a bit cross.

"I know you're psychic, so do you mind not sucking?" Neku asks tiredly. "You've never been great, but that was just sad."

Joshua lets out a sigh, his face falling. "My apologies, Neku," he murmurs, leaning back to let Neku up. "May I try that again?"

Neku nods, a tad exasperated. "Mind the lip this time, though," he adds, and leans in. Joshua's still insistently taking the lead, but at least this time he's going slow about it, carefully and thoroughly trying to explore his lips, though he occasionally releases disgruntled sounds. Not like it's Neku's fault if he's being pissy, even with their bickering; Joshua's at least no longer determined to be the one looking down. It's not bad, and Neku's only just started getting into it when Joshua pulls back and rests his mouth just inside Neku's collar.

`May I?` he sends, and no sooner than Neku thinks a yes does Joshua go to work. He's much better at this, teeth lightly brushing Neku's skin as he sucks and licks Neku's neck, and the whole thing goes straight to Neku's groin without so much as a _hickeys are not the best idea_.

` I'll be careful,` Joshua promises, and Neku can believe him, actually. He might be an asshole, but he doesn't want people speculating on Neku's love life any more than Neku does. Probably. 

He switches to the other side, going nice and symmetrical, and slowly moves downward. When he'd need to undo Neku's buttons, he pulls back and looks at Neku seriously: "You're Shibuya's. Nowhere else's."

Is _that_ what this is about? Neku raises an eyebrow. "The reapers everywhere else all seem to think my name's Shibuya, yeah."

Joshua hums, then rests his forehead on Neku's chest. "You sound like Shibuya, but you brought Tokyo with you, too, Neku," he sighs. "You're human, so it's natural, but it _bothers_ me, to have other districts staking a claim."

So he's jealous. Neku sets his chin on Joshua's hood, letting his hands explore what he can of Joshua's hair. Neku's not fucking any other composers, nor will he: Joshua is enough of a handful, and he smiles into Neku's chest, carefully loosening the buttons with a hum.

Yeah, one composer's more than enough: what kind of guy manages to get jealous over a t-shirt?

"You bought it because you liked the artwork," he mumbles, "so you're spreading the influence of outside artists _here,_ in **my** domain. And you bought it from a friend of the artist, rather than mass-market, so it's -- loud, comparatively."

"You never got sulky over my clothes before," Neku points out.

"Anything worn by someone _of_ Shibuya is Shibuya fashion," he replies. "You weren't intending to visit, so it wasn't, which is _fine,_ but -- distracting." He burrows into Neku's chest, then adds: "It was petty."

Well, he's right about that.

Neku pushes Joshua's hood down, though the fabric was nice and soft. "I already knew you were petty and weird, Josh," he tells him, trying to be reassuring. "Just try to make sure I know when you're actually bothered by something and when you're just dicking with me."

"Speaking of dicking," he muses, pulling back to leer at him. Neku narrows his eyes.

"That was terrible," Neku informs him. "With that come-on and a freaking _fox onesie,_ you're trying to get laid?" Smirking, he adds, "I wouldn't be caught dead doing that."

"Too bad I already am," he replies, and they both snicker shamelessly at the awful joke. Oh, reaper humor. That shit never gets old.

Neither does Joshua.

Neku should _not_ find this as funny as he does, but he carefully undoes the buttons on Joshua's fucking onesie (pun _not_ intended, that time) as Joshua's sharp shoulders clip through the top. Conservation of motion versus physical accuracy, and Joshua will _always_ choose the former.

"I missed you," Joshua murmurs, pulling off Neku's top and trousers without actually using his hands, which is a neat trick. He leaves the socks and monkey slippers on, though, and honestly getting Neku's capris off without removing his slippers is a feat in itself.

Hehe, feat. "Should we really be doing this out here?" Neku realizes. It's kind of a public space, and he's seen _Pi Face_ sitting on one of these couches. Gingerly, Neku checks for grease stains. He doesn't _see_ any, but ….

"It's my couch," he says primly, "and it's easier to clean my couch than my bed." That sort of makes sense, given the completely absurd scale Joshua's bed is on, but then he adds: "These cushions are replaced every few weeks, anyway; it's rare I get through a month without a reaper wrecking them, even before accounting for Sanae's proclivities."

"Can we not talk about Mr H right now," Neku says flatly. Seriously, no thinking about Hanekoma in this sort of context. It's wrong.

Joshua gets a sly look in his eyes, so Neku just shoves his hand over Joshua's mouth. Nope, nuh uh, not _even_ going there, and he's not in the least surprised when Joshua licks it. His mouth is cold, Neku realises, and it isn't new, but Neku's nearly used to it.

If Neku ends up with a thing for dead people, it is completely and utterly Joshua's fault. Joshua grins and pushes Neku so he's lying on the couch, then passes _through_ Neku to sit on top of his crotch. "You had better mean it about other composers, Neku," he says comfortably, sliding so the tail of his onesie brushes Neku's thigh, and that's really kind of disturbing. Neku doesn't want to be a furry, either. "I don't mind it if you sound like other people, so long as you're responsible, but I won't share with other districts."

"If they're anything like you," Neku promises, "don't worry: you are _way_ too much to handle as it is. I am at my dead people limit." And thank god.

"Reapers are acceptable, however," Joshua muses, "so long as you do your best to seduce them to Shibuya." Neku gives him a look, though it doesn't take. "You _are_ being responsible, yes?" he adds, and is he _really_ asking this?

"I'm not gonna get anyone pregnant," Neku states, glowering, and he'd really hoped that Joshua's intervention was a fluke. "You don't have to worry about me."

"Oh, but I do," he purrs, and Neku stiffens (and not in the good way). "You tend to be lax with your Bitou, Neku, and while _I_ know he's clean, you generally don't, and I won't have you serving as a disease vector."

Uh.

"It would make me look bad," Joshua adds, and Neku rubs his head. Oh, god. "Condoms, Neku; condoms anytime someone puts something in someone else, and if you don't have one, stick with your hands and wash thoroughly afterwards. No exceptions; composers might not be able to support anything, but reapers can, and you **don't** want me to have to clear you out."

So no exceptions other than Joshua, he corrects mentally, and he scowls. What a goddamn busybody.

Joshua chuckles as he slips [a chart](http://www.sfcityclinic.org/stdbasics/stdchart.asp) onto Neku's clothes. "If you think I'm bad," he adds, smiling faintly, "you should ask Kariya about vaccines. Many of us have been around for a while, Neku: we take it seriously because it _is_ serious. Don't underestimate it."

"I'm up to date on those," Neku informs him, and Joshua lays a kiss on his nose. His face heats, and more as Joshua presses him against the couch, his breath hitching. He's not sure if he's embarrassed or aroused, and Joshua's fox onesie doesn't help matters.

"As you should be," Joshua says, and Neku's eyes narrow. Can't they get back to the sex? "There isn't a composer around who doesn't care about public health concerns; we'll all appreciate it if you keep an eye on your friends."

"And I would appreciate a change in topic," Neku snaps, and Joshua snorts.

"Be good, my dear conductor; that's all I ask."

That title … he might have agreed to it, but that doesn't mean he's used to the idea. "I keep expecting Shades to pop up behind me," he admits.

Joshua leans forward, gaze intent, close enough for his bangs to brush against Neku's cheeks. " _You_ are my conductor, Neku," he murmurs, so pleased with himself, and Neku shivers. "I'd rather you get used to it."

"It's still kind of …" he starts, and then stops. He _does_ think of Shades first, but more than that, it's Joshua staking a claim, and Neku's not sure how he feels about that. He's gone along with it so far, and Joshua's not been asking for too much, but still, it's weird.

"You still expect me to throw you to the shark noise," Joshua concludes coldly, moving back and repositioning himself off of Neku, and even with the bad joke, Neku misses the lost contact.

"Not funny," he states, and Joshua shrugs, acknowledging it. "I don't expect you to, exactly …."

"What is it, then," he says, and it's as much _how can I make you trust me_ as _so you're leaving me,_ and neither of those are right, damn him. Neku _does_ trust him; it's just --

All this time and they still --

"Joshua, come here," Neku says instead, and Joshua doesn't move. Not until Neku sits up a little, anyway, sliding off the monkey slippers, and then Joshua lets him pull him close, weightless. "I'm still not over it, okay? I know it wasn't the same for you, and it really does help me that you've been explaining some of what it is you actually _do,_ but -- it's rough."

Joshua makes a noncommittal sound.

"And then sometimes it feels more like you want to order me around, and that, that I'm not okay with," he adds quickly. "I don't think you're just out to use me again, but --"

He tenses, but doesn't try to leave Neku's arms. "I don't want to use you," he murmurs, pushing himself closer, and Neku shivers at his cold torso against Neku's nipples. That is _so_ not right. "I just want you to be here, with me, at my side."

And he's got that, but … Neku's got his own world, too. Maybe he needs the reassurance that Neku can even exist in his. "Just don't act like you're forgetting my name or anything, then," he settles on, and Joshua loosens up.

"Wouldn't dream of it," he says softly, then: "Conductor Sakuraba." Neku shivers again. That sounds more like the name of a villain, and that's a whole different type of disturbing. "Neku," he adds, and brushes his lips against Neku's. "I still want to pay you back."

"It's not necessary," Neku says as Joshua stares down at him.

"The day I leave a debt unpaid will be a dark day indeed," he says archly, "and since you did most of the work earlier …."

"… you expect to top," Neku finishes, and Joshua quirks a brow.

"Only in the sense that I'd like to make you feel good," he corrects. "Beyond that, I have no preferences."

Liar. Well, maybe not, but -- liar. Neku thinks about it, but he's not sure what he'd want, either. It's been a long day and not having to work hard sounds appealing, though, so fuck it, let's go for broke: "Surprise me." And may he not regret it too much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Joshua is a fucking furry. At least he doesn't have his sexily-ripped-and-therefore-useless Bunny Parka on, though. I don't know if that's an improvement or not.
> 
> This is yet another case of one chapter being belatedly split into two. Theoretically, I should probably go through and add more chapter breaks where necessary so I don't end up with 8k monsters, but too bad, the chapter count's just going to creep up for now every time I add another break. Same amount of content as planned; I'm just putting everything into bite-sized pieces for you all. Aren't you lucky!


	8. Chapter 8

Joshua gets that gleam in his eye like the dog who's found the butter, and _top_ is pretty accurate as he leaps onto Neku and psychokinetically lifts both them up enough to slide Neku's underwear off. God, is Neku seriously getting butt on the world's softest couch. Sorry, couch.

` The couch won't mind,` Joshua replies swiftly, going in for a kiss again, and _this_ time it's nearly chaste. Only nearly, because it _is_ Joshua and he's always one breath (that he won't take) from something lewd, but Neku smiles into it all the same.

"Hi," Neku says dorkily, barely moving his mouth, and Joshua beams, moving one hand to brush the nape of Neku's neck with his thumb. His hair stands up, as much from the contact as the fact it's _Joshua,_ but Joshua warms up quickly enough and Neku leans into it. He knows Joshua won't hurt him.

Joshua lightly kisses his nose, too, then adds, like it's the weather: "How _do_ you feel about butt stuff, anyway?"

Neku chokes. "I haven't done much," he warns, face hot, "but I'm good with the idea? I mean, don't get too ambitious or anything …."

"I won't," Joshua promises, and that's not actually reassuring.

"What's with the fox pyjamas, anyway?" Neku finally asks, carefully trying to slide them off. "That's not even your Noise form."

"No, it isn't, is it," he concedes, finally deigning to remove it. He still had elegant black slacks on under it, though, and _those_ he leaves on. … Neku isn't actually sure the trousers would have fit under the onesie, and the thought of Joshua cheating his outfit is weirdly amusing. God, he's petty. "I'm _beautiful,_ " he corrects, "and none of the dog ones matched my style."

What style? "A wolf'd be closer, though, wouldn't it?"

"I am not a _wolf,_ " he says primly, and Neku has the weirdest impression he stepped on a sore point. Shouldn't it be more offensive to call a wolf a dog? "I preferred the fox one."

Might as well have gotten a cat, Neku thinks, or better yet a bunny, if he's not going to be anything close to the right kind of canid. Joshua rolls his eyes at him. "Either roll over or put your legs up," Joshua says instead, glancing at Neku's groin, speculative. "I can hold them up if you get tired, but I can't promise you would keep circulation."

That sounds kind of undignified, so Neku scrambles onto his belly, careful not to fall off the couch, and feels Joshua nudging at his hips and sending him an impression of him with his ass up in the air. "Anal isn't much of a surprise, Josh," Neku says, a bit disappointed.

"Convenient that it isn't what I have in mind, then," he replies slyly, and he silently proffers some pillows he's conjured to make Neku more comfortable. They're soft but firm, and Neku cheerfully sets them down so as to spare his elbows. He's not comfortable enough to drift off to sleep or anything, but he _does_ feel appropriately lazy, and Joshua hums with pride. 

Neku cranes back to watch him, and right now he'd kind of appreciate a mirror. Or better yet, clairvoyance. Joshua chuckles in his mind, and casually rests himself between Neku's legs. He tosses an approving glance at the stockings, bright fruit on a black field contrasting nicely with Neku's natural paleness, though Neku has a visible tan line and, uh, oops. "Spend a lot of your time on your feet, do you?" Joshua says rhetorically, lifting up one leg to massage Neku's calves, and _fuck_ but he could do that all day.

"Standing height's a better perspective," he says shakily, and Joshua goes for his feet, too. Neku's sure he still runs too cold, but it's hardly noticeable through the fabric, and Joshua keeps it from being scratchy or frictiony as he works through the muscles. It kind of hurts a bit, but it's a good pain, and Neku groans in appreciation. God, he's stiff, and _not in that way,_ asshole!

(Well, maybe in that way, but still, no puns. No puns _ever._ )

He's delicate but firm as he bends Neku's legs carefully, stretching the muscles, and Neku lets out a sigh of relief. "You're a good kid, Neku," Joshua murmurs. "A good kid, and an excellent investment, my dear conductor, and I want for you to love Shibuya as much as I do, hm?"

Neku's not sure how much _loving Shibuya_ has to do with getting laid, but he'll take it. Joshua nudges the pillows so Neku's weight's more distributed and he can almost sprawl out, flopping as bonelessly as he'd like, and Joshua's tongue connects with the ball of his foot.

"Cold, Josh!" Neku shrieks, curling to glare at him, but Joshua just smiles and keeps going. Wait, how is he -- Neku cranes over and Joshua's licking him _through_ the socks, and Neku baps him on the head with his other foot. Joshua yelps and moves his head back, scowling. "That tickles," Neku complains, " _and_ you're getting buzzy."

Joshua does -- something, and the not-sound lets off, but Neku grunts as Joshua's weight properly settles on the couch. "I suppose that takes too much finesse for right now," he mutters to himself. "Everything all right?"

"Yeah," Neku replies. "It was fine when you solidified, and it wasn't _bothering_ me when you were -- floaty, but then you …." He trails off, not sure how to describe it.

"Some frequencies are easier to tolerate than others, I suppose," he muses, "even with Shibuya tempering my vibe, here in the heart of my district."

"That why you like having me here?" Neku checks, and Joshua hums agreement. "And you don't give me much of a headache in the shops …."

"Reaper sigils apply to us all, more or less," he confirms, resting his head on the small of Neku's back and gripping Neku's shoulders, "or else I'd never be able to relax." His hair tickles and Neku jerks forward, but Joshua runs his hands down Neku's sides, slowly but thoroughly counting off Neku's ribs. His hands hit a lump, and he stops. "Neku, did you know you have a third nipple?"

 _That's a mole,_ he starts to say, but Joshua rubs it in fond fascination and there's a flash of an imprint and -- Neku pushes it back reflexively, much like he'd jerk his hand out of an ant nest. "Don't think you can do that," he mumbles, and Joshua sends him an apology.

"I just wanted to send you some further understanding of anatomy," he murmurs, pulling his head up as his hands grasp Neku's hips. "I suppose I'd need to translate it.

"Oh, just stop fooling around and fuck me already," Neku snaps tiredly. Not that this isn't _interesting,_ but he'd kind of like for Joshua to get to the --

And Joshua's got his face on Neku's ass and hands on Neku's cock, and Neku jerks back because _warn a guy,_ why don't you! ` You asked,` he replies, laughing, and come on, Josh, no cold hands on the merchandise. He chuckles, and _that_ feels weird, the shaking of his laughter brushing his hair where Neku had not really expected hair to go, but he does warm up, fingers gently massaging the base of Neku's cock as he moves down and slides Neku's balls into his mouth.

` You're lucky I don't insist on a trim first,` he adds, licking his testicles as he slides something around Neku's stiffening cock, and Neku tries to pull himself up enough to see. `Ah-uh,` Joshua chides, gently holding him still: `you said you wanted a surprise.`

Yeah, point, so he stops struggling and Joshua lets go. "Don't do anything weird, butt-sniffer," Neku says instead, and Joshua presses Neku's balls against his teeth with his tongue. Fuck, right, _not the time to antagonise him_.

` Behave, Neku,` is all he says, and if he's got to have a bit of an oral fixation, at least he's telepathic. Joshua chuckles again, these short bursts of pressure, and Neku shudders.

"You're still taking your sweet time about this," he notes, and Joshua adjusts the -- is that a cockring? slightly before stroking his shaft and gently pulling Neku's balls out of his mouth.

"Patience, conductor," he says, and he sticks his tongue up his asshole.

"Fuck!" Neku yelps, because even if he's _warmer_ he's still _cold and wet,_ and okay, maybe he's just tracing the muscle with his tongue, but a bit of _warning_ would be nice!

` You had plenty,` he snipes, grasping his cock and balls in one hand as he presses his thumb on Neku's anus, not really trying to put it up there as just exert pressure, and Neku's not really sure if he wants to move up or down.

Up, he settles on, as Joshua traces Neku's perineum with his tongue, and fuck but does he wish Joshua would actually _jerk him off_ already. ` Patience,` he repeats, but that's easy for him to say: _he's_ still got his pants on! ` What a coincidence, Neku, I hadn't noticed.`

"You're just trying to show how unaffected you are, asshole," Neku calls back, and flushes: that was not nearly as smooth as he expected.

Joshua lifts his head up, and Neku didn't want him to _stop,_ okay, that is the opposite of what he wanted! "This is the closest to ordering you around that I had in mind, Neku," he murmurs, and Neku kind of wishes he was allowed to look back so he'd know if Joshua's embarrassed too. "I thought I'd show you what you have to worry about."

"Yeah, an excruciatingly slow fuck," he grumbles, and Joshua laughs yet _again_. What an annoying guy, and he's even more annoying as he moves his hand to let his tongue probe at his asshole as Neku tries to relax. He's too tense, and he's got the suspicion he's _always_ a bit too tense, but Joshua flashes him a query and then hums something that should sound familiar. What it is, Neku can't tell, but Neku's butt relaxes, Neku's _everything_ relaxes, and he collapses down onto the cushions, completely carefree. It's Joshua's fault, whatever it is, and he takes the chance to slide the whole of his tongue in, wide and wet and merely lukewarm.

Neku moans and grinds up on Joshua's face, hoping he's not doing anything particularly rude and trying to keep the knowledge of what his butt is _for_ out of his mind, but Joshua just grins against Neku's buttocks and wiggles his tongue. ` I raise the dead on a regular basis, Neku dear, do you think I care?`

"Glad you've got that much dog in you," Neku replies absently, and Joshua jerks and slams his tongue up against the back in indignation. That could nearly be enough for Neku to come right there, Joshua's pressure against a _nice_ spot, but he's in the wrong headspace and Joshua waits for him to calm down a little.

` I still haven't gotten to the good part,` Joshua sulks, `even if you are a brat,` but if he's a brat, what does that make Joshua? `It makes me perfect,` he finishes proudly, slowly withdrawing his tongue, and Neku groans. But he's not done yet …!

But the moment his mouth's clear, something slick and cool and hard moves back in to take advantage of his loosened muscles, and _that_ makes sense. Neku tries to remember to breathe as it slides into his ass and widens to press on his prostate, but it's hard and he cants his hips, scrambling to grip his cock.

Only Joshua grabs his hand before he can reach, long thin fingers deceptively light on his forearm, and says: "Neku, do you trust me?" 

"Y-yeah," he forces out, and because Joshua needs to hear it: "Yeah, I trust you."

"Then let me take care of you," he replies, letting him go, and Neku moves his hands back. He lays a kiss between Neku's shoulders as the hard thing narrows, and --

"Is that a butt-plug?" Neku asks, and Joshua hums affirmation.

"You can move now," he says, gently pulling Neku up and onto his lap, and Neku lets him, shifting his legs out from under him so he can see Joshua's face. "Don't finish yourself off, though," Joshua adds, but _fuck,_ every time the plug shifts in his ass, it makes him squirm more.

"Joshua …" he manages, and Joshua brushes the hair out of Neku's eyes.

Neku wonders what he sees, to gaze down on him like he's the foundation of his world, but he'll probably never know. Everyone has their own worlds, and he'll never really understand anyone else.

`You held my soul,` Joshua replies, `and still you trust me.` How could he not? They were _partners,_ and Neku trusts his partners. And Joshua smiles, soft and somehow sad, as he rests his hands on Neku's chest, arms bracketing his head, and Neku grasps them. Two points of contact, as Joshua opens his mouth silently and Neku _jerks._

He's a bit stunned, his ass clenching on the plug hard enough he can't see for a moment, and Neku looks up at him in surprise. Joshua stares down, impassive, as Neku feels the pressure below him again and thrusts upward, the ring sliding against the head of his cock, and he feels it start vibrating and **yelps.** It's not bad, but it's more sensation than he was expecting, and Joshua snorts, his not-breath rustling Neku's hair.

"I've got you," Joshua murmurs, and there's so many reasons that shouldn't be reassuring, but right now that sounds wonderful, and Neku lets himself make all the sounds he feels like as Joshua watches him with possessive pride. Joshua doesn't seem to have a pattern for when he forces Neku to cant up, but he doesn't need one, his psi doing a fine job as he levitates the cock ring up and down, never letting Neku grow used to the vibration.

He doesn't know how long he'll last with this, but Joshua grins as soon as he thinks that and thrusts the butt-plug forward, wiggling it around his ass as he grinds down on empty air, and he feels the vibration turn up against his frenelum and it's too much. `Go on,` Joshua imprints, and fuck it, he lets himself come and watches it splatter on his chest and Joshua's hands.

That's what you get if you don't let him aim, he thinks absently, trying to catch his breath, but Joshua just furrows a brow and flicks it off onto Neku's thighs, pressing down on Neku's chest when he considers moving.

"You're not done," Joshua corrects, and while Neku'd disagree, he feels Joshua burning away his exhaustion, and maybe he isn't, really. He feels like he is, but Joshua doesn't let him up and Neku lets himself enjoy the moment, doesn't bother thinking. The composer has him and that feels **right,** in a way; they both belong in Shibuya, after all.

"Josh, I …" Neku starts, but he's not sure what to say, and Joshua leans down to kiss his forehead, tender in a way he's not sure how to deal with. He doesn't need to do anything, he decides, and he simply gazes up sleepily at Joshua as he thumbs at Neku's nipples, humming softly. Letting Neku recover, and the occasional jerks of vibration as Joshua turns the cock ring back on almost hurt, soft and tired as he is. Only almost, though, and Neku lets it be.

He's tempted to fondle his junk, if Joshua's going to make him go for round two, but Joshua gently nudges him to keep still, and if Joshua's going to take care of him … he can't find any reason to object, really, even if his ass is a bit uncomfortable. "Don't think about that too much," Joshua advises, and he lets go of Neku's chest to tease at his cock, his hand pleasantly lukewarm as he pushes the ring down closer to Neku's balls. Neku shifts, sitting up a bit so Joshua can reach better, and Joshua nuzzles his neck, then moves up to nibble at his ear.

Neku flushes, more embarrassed than aroused, and it's odd how still Joshua is. Part of him keeps wanting to check if Joshua's still breathing, but of course he isn't and Neku knows that. He's dead, and Joshua pulls him close as he plays with Neku's foreskin with one hand and grips his waist with the other. He's so tired, but Joshua hums and watches over his shoulder as he eases Neku hard again, his fingers testing but firm as he lifts Neku's preferences from his mind.

It doesn't take him long to come again, his young constitution no match for Joshua's skill, and afterward Joshua cleans him off and removes the toys without dislodging him, which is a neat trick. He could honestly fall asleep right here, but even with the afterglow, he has the presence of mind to tilt his head over and try to kiss him.

Joshua obliges after a moment, and his forehead relaxes in relief; funny, because Neku didn't have anything to complain about. His mouth tastes of absolutely nothing, but that's okay; Neku lazily lets Joshua explore him anyway, and it's nice. Comfortable, in a way the composer doesn't have to be, but something gets through Neku's head and he jerks up, teeth banging against Joshua's unpleasantly. "You didn't get yours," he blurts out, but Joshua just laughs.

"It isn't a problem, my dear conductor, though I appreciate the concern," he says pleasantly, finally moving a hand so he can run it through Neku's hair. He's going to mess up the spikes, Neku thinks, then remembers he didn't re-gel it after his shower. That's okay, then. "I wanted to make _you_ happy."

Well, he did that. "Okay," he says, and since Joshua doesn't seem to want anything more from him, drifts off to sleep.

* * *

Neku wakes up and the first thing he sees is blue. He grumbles in dismay -- cyan lights are a terrible idea, all things considered -- and yet more at the fact he's sweaty and naked. At least Joshua wrapped a duvet around him, so he's not _cold,_ too. 

"What time is it," he tries to say, though it comes out as incoherent mumbles.

"Seven in the morning," Joshua replies brightly, walking in, and if it's a coincidence he came in right as Neku woke up, he'll eat his hair gel. "I didn't know if you had plans, so I made sure you'd feel reasonably well rested and woke you early."

"Thanks," he says, pulling himself up and adjusting the duvet. Joshua sets a platter of pancakes on the table and plates and utensils for each of them, and Neku blearily digs in. It might be too fucking early on a _Saturday_ and Neku suspects he went to bed _way_ late, but he doesn't really feel it. He's kind of eager to do something, actually. 

Joshua beams at him. "You'll need to catch up on sleep, but it _is_ my job to help people pull all-nighters when appropriate."

"And your sex life's vital, I know," Neku grumbles, though he's not mad. Pretty much the opposite, actually: that was kind of awesome, if a bit weird. A good weird, but weird.

"Actually, it was getting close to sunrise when you showered," Joshua says, and Neku gapes. "Shibuya lent you energy to help you keep working."

And if it was sunrise _then,_ and it's seven _now_ …. "So I was out for, what, an hour?"

Joshua grins. "Pretty slick, huh?" And Neku's staring. "It won't make up for actual rest, but you should be fine so long as you go to bed early tonight."

That's … that's actually pretty awesome. Joshua preens, and Neku starts in on his pancakes to hide his face. No point letting the guy know how much Neku appreciates that; he's big-headed enough. (Pity he already does.)

Joshua's eating, too, he notices, and Neku wonders if that's just for show. Doesn't really matter either way, he supposes, and Neku notices after a moment that he's _ravenous._

Well, if he was up all night, no wonder. Joshua notices when he clears his plate and gives him a bowl of oyakodon, too, and even if Neku would _not_ have thought that goes with pancakes at all, he appreciates the protein and devours that, too. Making up for skipping dinner, he supposes; he feels a bit like he did when he ate food in the Game, meals lost in the dichotomy of _eaten_ and _have not eaten_ and a day's worth of food downed in an hour.

" _Do_ you have plans?" Joshua asks, and Neku thinks. He somehow managed to get all his homework done last night in a third of the time it should've taken him, even with him pulling an all nighter, and _that's_ pretty big right there …. He's in Shibuya, so he might as well call Beat and hang out with him, and maybe Shiki and Eri, too? It's hard to tell with them; they're good people, but if Neku says anything about what he did last night, Shiki and Eri'll keep exchanging pointed glances.

Joshua's kind of an asshole, but Neku can make his own decisions, and sometimes he thinks Shiki'd rather he have nothing to do with the UG at all. It's understandable, but Neku'd like Joshua to be happy, too, and it's not like the UG's all _bad,_ either. Just a lot of people doing their best in a messed up world.

"May I offer some advice?" Joshua says quietly. Neku glances up. "Avoiding Miss Misaki when I might come up as a topic of conversation does neither of you any good. You don't have to press the issue, but your current approach merely ensures I'll be the fracture point between you and your friends."

"She hates you, you know," Neku mutters. "Like, I've told her you resurrected us --"

"You told her _the composer_ resurrected you," Joshua corrects. "And that I'm the composer, but the nature of my position means that knowledge is very difficult to retain anywhere within Shibuya's influence."

Neku inhales sharply. "So she doesn't know," he realises, and Joshua inclines his head. "Or she does know, but she only really remembers you're the one who murdered me."

"Twice," Joshua says, "as you're so fond of reminding me." Neku smiles. "So yes, from her point of view, you're spending a not insignificant amount of time with the reaper who murdered you, thus entrenching yourself into the Game you all tried so hard to escape."

"While Beat _was_ a reaper," Neku finishes, "so you're not the faceless enemy, _and_ he saw us as partners." Joshua smiles, sharp and proud. "Right, okay."

That doesn't really get him much closer to _solving_ the problem, but at least he has a better grasp of what it is. He can work with that. "Do you mind if I --"

"Absolutely," Joshua says. "Go. Shower, have fun with your friends, live. Do what you need to do. I'll still be here."

"I'm holding you to that, you know," Neku says, smiling, and does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clothed sex, stone top, rimming, sex toys. :V Joshua still being a fucking furry. Do I have the chapter count right for now? AO3 ate it again. It's not really a big deal, since I'm revising it as I go anyway, but given that I'm always going to post at least one planned-chapter per Monday and Friday and just double-update whenever I split it, I'd like it about accurate. I don't believe in cliffhangers, haha, and the current chapter breaks are based on plot beats, rather than keeping a reasonable wordcount.


	9. Chapter 9

Joshua’s chatting on the phone when Neku gets out of the shower, so Neku just waves and takes the exit Joshua points to. It’s not the usual one, and Neku’s surprised to see it opens up into Udagawa. The door vanishes the moment he’s through, of course, but it’s nice of him to not make Neku take the long route. Odd that he doesn’t usually, though. 

He’d’ve thought he’d have more emotions about being next to the mural, but even with Joshua on the mind, Neku just absently notices it and gets a move on. The Game was a long time ago, and the mural’s magic is nearly dead, knowing it’s what killed him as surely as Joshua’s gun.

Mr H isn’t worth getting mad at. 

`Theres a concert later that sounded fun. Want to hang out and check it out?` he texts Beat and Shiki, not really expecting a response at this hour. He feels buzzed, the city ringing with Joshua’s own quiet joy, and even if Shibuya’s no longer where he spends all his time, it’s still where he hails from, and that’s a type of home, too. 

Beat doesn’t reply immediately, but Shiki calls him back, even with it being kind of early. Though maybe she’s used to getting up for work. 

“Hey, Shiki,” he says, picking up. “I’m in Shibuya right now, so want to hang out?”

“Neku! I’d love to, but I need to meet up with Eri for something at noon. Is that okay? Where are you?”

“Udagawa, but sure! I’ll meet you somewhere?”

“Wild Boar in ten.”

She’s there in nine, flushed and a bit disheveled, but she seems happy to see him. Neku, for his part, is thrilled to no longer be looking absently at skate decks: Beat’s probably already happy with what he’s got. Once they’re safely out of the shop, Neku gives her a hug, brief but earnest.

“I missed you,” he says, and he’s almost surprised how much. He’s met some nice people on campus, and he’s been talking to Beat regularly and Joshua only a little less than he would if he still lived here, but finding times where his and Shiki’s schedules line up is harder than he’d’ve thought. Freaking adulthood.

“You’re here awfully early,” she says, and he smiles self-deprecatingly. He knows she’s wondering, but – fuck it, honesty time. If he can try to get along with Eri, Shiki can pretend to like Joshua. He can’t avoid the topic forever.

“Josh needed me for something,” he explains, more confidently than he feels, and her face darkens a little. “I know you worry about me with him, but he’s really not that bad.”

Shiki purses her lips. “You’re the one who knows him,” she concedes, “but I’d worry less if the rest of us did, too, you know. Do you think he’d go to the concert with us?”

Neku rubs at the back of his neck, trying to figure out how to respond. Joshua isn’t exactly somebody who gets _more_ likeable with exposure, but …. “I’ll ask,” he says, and pulls out his phone.

` Hey josh. Do you go to concerts?` he texts, feeling a bit silly. The guy was sick yesterday, and he’s busy at the best of times: Neku can’t really imagine him heading out for things like that. It’d be nice if he did, though.

`I don't leave Shibuya, Neku. I might consider a local one, however.`

`Good to know. Thx,` he sends, and he puts his phone down. “He says no,” and Neku’s neither surprised nor disappointed. Honestly, that was a better answer than he expected. “He’s kind of shy, really.”

“Could you invite him for lunch?” she suggests. “You can tell him I don’t bite.”

Not usually, anyway, but Neku doesn’t really want to see Joshua put her hackles up. “He doesn’t go outside much,” Neku says, feeling like a heel. “It’s nothing against you; I’ve mentioned you to him and I think he thinks well of you, but he – he _really_ doesn’t go out much.”

“Doesn’t go out much, or doesn’t go out with you?” Shiki says rhetorically, and Neku winces. It’s the former! He’s sure it’s the former, but he can absolutely see why Shiki’d worry about it. Fuck, he’s not trying to keep his and Joshua’s whatever-they-have a secret or anything, and Joshua isn’t, either. “Has Beat met him?”

“Of course he has!” he says, a little indignant, and maybe it didn’t go the best it could’ve but he’s not _trying_ to keep Beat and Shiki out of his life! He just – it’s too easy to see the composer as one responsible for everything they went through, but Joshua is **not a bad person.** He’s a jerk, and he knows he rubs everyone else the wrong way, but he’s not a bad guy and he’s Neku’s friend, too.

But the only way Joshua’s going to get along with anyone else is if he keeps the discussion to things of no consequence, and maybe Joshua can handle that, but Shiki can’t stand feeling lied to. It’d be a disaster, and Neku’s the one who’d feel the fallout.

Neku’s the one who’ll feel the fallout anyway, but at least it’d be out in the open. “I can introduce you to him, if you really want,” he says reluctantly, “but he’s pretty prickly.”

“I’d like that,” she says, and fuck, he’s doomed.

`Shiki wants to meet you,` he types quickly, and hits send before he can have second thoughts.

Joshua’s reply is immediate as always: `Pick a time and a shop that's in the Game, and I'll be there.`

“I already ate,” he warns, “and he only goes to – you remember which restaurants Players can go to? He’s got the same criteria.”

“I thought reapers could go just about anywhere,” she says dubiously, and he shrugs. Yeah, but he’s not a reaper. “If you’re not that hungry … I guess that just leaves WildKat.”

“If it’s even open,” he mutters. 

* * *

Of course it is: never let it be said that Mr H’d pass up a chance to make things more complicated. Neku kind of hates his life. 

He’s not alone in that, though. _Hanekoma_ stole Mr Mew’s design for mass-market at absurd prices, and that’s not the kind of thing you forget in a hurry. Bet that’s why she works for D+B, when Gatito pays better. Pity you can’t say the same for Eri. (That’s not fair; she probably wanted to make sure they don’t steal anything else.)

Mr H, for his part, just smiles, friendly as ever. Like there’s no reason to ever hold a grudge in a world as wonderful as this. “What brings you kids here?” he says. “Haven’t seen more than one of you at a time for ages.”

“There’s no Starbucks nearby,” Neku drawls, and Shiki gives him a look. Yeah, maybe not the best plan to antagonise the guy who’ll be serving them food, but: “You know if Josh is around?”

“Haven’t seen him,” he says easily, and they’re play-acting, Neku knows they are. 

Shiki deserves _so much better_ than this from them, but he thinks explaining the whole thing with Joshua and Hanekoma’d just make it worse. Beat at least had that they both went out of their ways to help Rhyme to even it out a little; Shiki’d only have Neku’s assurance that Joshua really is not likely to do any of it again. 

(But Shiki didn’t see the Taboo Noise either, so maybe she wouldn’t have the same visceral reaction. Ughhh, too many variables.)

“He’ll show up sometime,” Neku reassures her. “He and Mr H are friends.”

Shiki nods uncertainly, as she sips her cocoa and Neku his overpriced coffee. No freebies today, not until Hanekoma’s sure whatever’s between Neku and Joshua won’t crash and burn, anyway, and _that_ isn’t going to be in Neku’s lifetime. Ha ha.

Joshua walks in a few minutes later, in his standard button-up and jeans. “Morning, Mr H,” he says, waving, and then: “Good morning, Neku. And you must be Miss Misaki?”

“You!” Shiki says instead, shocked. “You’re that guy who helped me when –” she cuts herself off. “I thought I told you that just Shiki was fine.”

“I forgot,” he says insincerely, and Neku glances between the two of them. They’d met before? He had no idea. Joshua smiles at them both as he sits himself at the table, leaving Neku exactly between him and Shiki, and thanks, dude, Neku appreciates that. Nothing like being stuck in the middle to brighten his day, but all Joshua does is stroke his chin as he thinks exaggeratedly, then straightens. “Oh, you would be that designer Gatito promoted by surprise!” he blurts out like he didn’t already know. “That was naughty of you, Mr H.”

“It all got cleared up,” Hanekoma replies, and Neku and Shiki share a glance. ‘Promoted,’ like he hadn’t planned on selling her art without a speck of compensation, and Joshua’s got to pick this conversation to be diplomatic about it?

_You’d think he’d at least **try** to be less of an asshole for Neku’s sake,_ Shiki thinks, and Neku winces. Great, just what he needs, to be scanning his friends by accident.

_Little help here, Josh?_ he thinks, and Joshua sighs in his mind. ` You need more control,` he chides, but he pulls some of his power around Neku’s all the same. `I won't usually do this for you, Neku; my influence is likely to make it worse.`

Neku needs to not invade Shiki’s privacy now, though, and Joshua agrees, if reluctantly. “Joshua was my partner in the second week, Shiki,” he introduces, though she has to know that. “He’s kind of an ass, but he’s all right, really.”

“I’m also Shibuya’s composer,” he adds, layering it with a form of imprint Neku doesn’t recognize. Hanekoma pauses in between washing his dishes. “You likely won’t remember that detail, but everything else should remain.”

Shiki stiffens. “And **why** won’t I know that,” she says accusingly, and Hanekoma smiles. Neku’s tempted to get up and punch him, but that won’t do anyone any favors.

“It’s nothing personal, I assure you,” Joshua explains. “The UG protects its own; if you’re not an appropriate choice for composer, the districts themselves take precautions to keep you … out of the running, as it were. Please don’t take that as an insult; you’re a fine artist, but you would make a terrible reaper.”

She mulls that over, and yeah, Neku wouldn’t know how to feel about that either. Is being told you wouldn’t make a good death god a compliment? “Does Neku know?” she says finally. 

Neku takes a deep breath. Time to get this show on the road. “Yeah, I do,” he admits, then adds, “I’ve told you and Beat before, too.” Please believe he’s _trying_ to let her in, Shiki.

“Is there anything _else_ I’m not going to remember?” she adds, and Neku winces. Fuck, he wishes he’d never told her all the shit he’d done in the Game; the last thing he needs right now is for her to think Josh’s been leaving everyone’s memory swiss cheese.

“No,” Joshua says easily, and Shiki looks to Neku for confirmation. He shrugs; he really doesn’t think Joshua’d’ve done anything, but they wouldn’t know either way. He trusts him, though. “If I had any intent on messing with your mind, Miss Mi – Shiki, I likely wouldn’t let you remember I’m Neku’s murderer, would I not?”

Did he really have to put it like that? Neku scrunches his face up, but Shiki just nods slowly. She’s got more patience than he does, that’s for sure. “I’ll believe you,” she says, “but only because Neku trusts you. If you hurt him again, I’m not going to forgive you, you know that, right?”

“But of course,” he says, and smiles. It’s not a nice smile. “What would you like to know?”

“Everything,” she says immediately, and Hanekoma settles in to listen, not even pretending not to. Shiki’s a bit pale, surrounded by unknowns, but Neku moves closer to her, trying to be reassuring. He should’ve dragged this out for her ages ago, but she never wanted to know. 

She still doesn’t want to know, he realizes, and Joshua doesn’t dress up the story to make him sound better, but Neku notices Joshua leaves out Hanekoma entirely. Neku can’t bring himself to correct him, though. Not with Hanekoma right there and the fresh memory of Joshua’s hurt when Hanekoma made Neku realize he didn’t even know what he’d lost. 

Or gained.

_That’s_ what the entry fees are for, Neku realizes, taking away what you treasure most so you learn how wrong your priorities were. Neku could’ve been happy the way Shiki is, the way Beat is, enjoying each small moment, or he could share in Joshua’s imperfect world. The trees or the forest: pick one; you can’t see both. Not at the same time.

(But they’re both real, and don’t you forget it. Joshua lost that and look where it got him. Neku needs to see the fine detail work **and** back away for the larger picture.)

“I still trust him,” Neku says once Joshua finishes. “I don’t forgive him, not for any of it, but I understand it, a little, and it’s not going to happen again.”

“We all could have died, Neku,” Shiki says, “and he wasn’t running scared. Not like you were, like we _all_ were. Maybe it’ll seem less big and scary later, but … I know you’re giving him a chance, but wasn’t that enough? Neku, he says you’re his _conductor_ now; didn’t we do all of that to get _out_ of the Game?”

“I don’t have any actual duties,” he says quickly, but –

“Neku, **he kills people,** ” she states, and Joshua just listens dispassionately. It’s true, but …. “He’s not even arguing with that; he killed his last conductor on a **bet,** Neku! I know you want me to say I’m happy if you’re happy, and I _want_ that to be the case, but now I’m more worried than before I talked to him!”

_Thanks, Josh,_ Neku mouths. Joshua just smiles.

“Josh is a good kid who’s made some bad choices,” Hanekoma says finally, and Neku and Shiki jump. “I ain’t saying you’re wrong, chica, but Neku ain’t wrong for wanting to hang out with him, either.”

Except when it inconveniences Mr Hanekoma, that is, but Joshua steps on his foot for thinking that. Yeah, fine, that’s not a fight to start right now, but Neku’s not exactly about to go back to trusting the guy.

“Mr H, I’m not sure –” Shiki starts, but Hanekoma interrupts her.

“Shiki, I told you I’m a sort of guardian for the Game, yeah? That means I know the guy who runs it a bit better than you do, and he’s a pretty good kid, all things considered,” he states, and wow, having a total asshole as a character reference must be _great_. Neku’s sure he’s helping.

And _fuck,_ now Shiki’s shy from being talked over. This was a bad idea. “I just –” she starts, then gives up. “I’m sorry; you all know him better than me.”

Hanekoma smiles sharply; Neku averts his eyes. They do, but treating Shiki like that isn’t right either ….

“Miss Misaki,” Joshua says finally, “I am glad you’re concerned about Neku.” Shiki stares at him. “What?” he snaps. “I can appreciate that Neku has people who worry about him, can’t I?”

“Nobody said you couldn’t,” Shiki says carefully.

“You just sound like you’re talking out your ass,” Neku finishes.

“That’s what I get for being polite, I suppose,” Joshua mutters, and stands up. “If you have no further need of me, I suppose I’ll be going,” he says, a bit snippy. “I’m sure I can find some kittens to drown, if I look hard enough.”

“Stick them in the oven instead so we can eat them later,” Neku advises, and Shiki and Hanekoma both glare at him. Oh, so it’s fine when _he_ does it. “Nevermind. See you, Josh.”

Joshua steps backwards through the door and waves. “Have fun, Neku,” he says, and vanishes.

Well.

“Check, please?”

* * *

Once they’re out of the shop, Shiki stops him, serious. “Neku,” she says, and he’s in for it. “You … never told me you were asked to be a reaper. Why didn’t you?”

“I thought you’d be upset,” he replies truthfully. And he was right: she _is_ upset, and she heard it from _Joshua,_ and – oh **shit.** “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

No, he’s sorry he got caught, and they both know it. “Sorry doesn’t cut it, Neku,” she says, not looking at him. “Maybe it would’ve if you told him no, but you _didn’t,_ and I’m – really not happy with you right now. I thought you _trusted_ me, Neku; why do you keep trying to cut me off?”

“I’m sorry,” he says again, but that doesn’t really mean he’s going to stop. “Hey, Shiki –”

“Save it, Neku. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

He just wants her to know – okay. He nods. “Feel better, Shiki,” he says instead, and he watches her go.

Fuck.

He just stands there for a minute, not sure what to do, then runs off to the park. At least there he’ll be able to find a quiet spot, and his face is red when what he just did hits him. He fucked up. He fucked up so badly, and maybe Shiki’ll forgive him, but _maybe she won’t,_ and Neku could’ve – he could’ve done so many things differently.

A low bark, more like a huff than anything else, and Neku stops. “You,” Neku says, not even bothering to look.

`Me,` Joshua agrees, and he butts his head against Neku’s thighs. Not demanding, just sympathetic, but Neku’s not the one who deserves sympathy right now. `I hoped it would go better than that. I am sorry.`

_You should be,_ Neku bites down. “It’s not your fault,” he says instead. It’s Neku’s, and maybe the disaster centers around Joshua, but Neku lied to Shiki all on his own. “It was going to happen eventually.”

` She might forgive you,` he says, nudging Neku’s hand with his nose, and all right, Neku’ll pet him. Neku’ll do a bit more than that: he collapses onto the ground and buries his face in Joshua’s fur and lets out a huge wrenching sob. Joshua for his part sits down patiently, resting his head on Neku’s shoulder as Neku pulls him into a hug.

They shouldn’t be doing this in public, but what does Neku care: he hurt _Shiki_. She loves him and trusts him and wants him to be happy and he lied to her and just _sat there silently_ while Hanekoma shot her down. He’s the worst.

He’s the worst and _he’s_ the one breaking down into tears like _he’s_ the one who got hurt. What an asshole.

` Eri's taking care of her,` Joshua tells him, groaning hopefully. God, even Joshua in his cold little black heart tried to look out for her more than he’s been. What the hell is wrong with him? `You were doing what you thought is best.`

“How can _lying to people_ ever be the best choice?” he tries to say, though his nose is clogged and he only pulled back enough to not get fur in his mouth and he’s still fucking _crying_ like some kind of loser.

` Nothing wrong with having emotions,` Joshua chides, which is a bit rich, coming from him. `You didn't correct me when I left out Sanae's involvement.`

Of course he didn’t; it had nothing to do with her and she already knows he’s an asshole, anyway. The point was _Joshua,_ not Hanekoma.

` So you see,` he finishes, but that doesn’t excuse it at all. Maybe she didn’t need to hear about _Joshua_ being betrayed, but it’s still not okay Neku tried his best to leave her out of his life ….

` Not an excuse, but a reason,` he says, a bit sad, and he pulls back to lick Neku’s face. `Shiki will heal. Maybe she will forgive you. Maybe she won't. But she knows, now.`

“Yeah,” Neku says shakily. She does, so he can stop lying to her. Even if it hurts her, knowing Neku is putting himself at risk like this.

`Daisukenojo should be awake by now,` Joshua adds. `I suspect he'd like to see you.`

“Yeah,” he says again, taking his phone out. “Will you stay with me?”

`Of course, Neku.`

It takes him a few tries to type out a text, but it’s not like Beat’ll know and Joshua doesn’t judge him for it, just keeps his comforting weight where Neku’ll remember he’s there. It’s so good to not be alone, and even if Neku’d prefer hugging someone with arms, this is good, too. Joshua loves him, and it might not fix anything, but it makes it bearable.

“Neku?” Beat calls, and Neku raises his arm: _over here._ “Yo, since when do you have a dog?!” he yowls, covering his face, and Joshua laughs.

Right. Shit. Allergies. “It’s okay, Beat!” he calls back. “He’s hypoallergenic.” Hopefully, anyway; Neku can’t think why he _wouldn’t_ be, but Beat doesn’t move any closer. Oops. “He shouldn’t make you sneeze,” he adds.

“I trust you, bro, but I ain’t gonna be too happy if you’re wrong about this,” Beat says, and he reluctantly closes in on them, muttering about staying away from the fluffy ones. Joshua stands up and wags his tail as he goes over to sniff him, and Beat recoils, though he does scratch his ears.

Traitor, Neku thinks, but Joshua just chuckles. `Good morning,` he says politely, and Beat looks around for someone who could’ve said it.

**_“Demon dog!”_** he wails once he realises nobody’s around, and Joshua snorts.

` How rude.`

“Beat, Beat, it’s okay!” Neku says, stifling a laugh. “This is Joshua, and he’s, uh, a talking dog sometimes. The reaper Joshua, I mean.” Wow, okay, Joshua’s approach actually does have its appeal. “Josh, this is Beat.”

`Nice to meet you,` Joshua adds, and Beat stares at them.

“Not a demon dog,” he mutters, and Neku nods encouragingly. He’s pretty much the opposite of that, actually, and Joshua pads back over to sit next to Neku, casually alert. “You mean like Rhyme?”

`Closer to Minamimoto and Konishi, but very good,` Joshua replies. `Ten points to the former reaper.`

Beat stares. “You _know_ about that?” Joshua nods, barely perceptible. “Damn.”

` You did pretend to try to erase us,` he adds, and Beat winces.

“Sorry about that, dude,” he says, rubbing at his neck, “but that’s ancient history and I’d like to get off on a clean foot if that’s all right with you.”

Joshua hums like he’s thinking about it, and Neku nudges him. `I _suppose_ I can forgive you,` he drawls, and Neku nudges him again, ` if you pet me.`

Beat stares some more, then starts laughing. “You – you _asshole!_ ” he blurts out, and he comes over to scratch Joshua’s head. “You’d better be right about the dander, Neku.”

“I’m dumping him if he makes you sneeze,” Neku says, and Joshua scratches an ear, completely innocent.

Beat squints, glancing between the two of them. “Wait, so … your old partner Priss Kid Joshua, and this dog Joshua ….”

`Are the same individual, yes,` Joshua says, staticking back into the human boy just long enough for Beat to register it before reverting to the dog at Neku’s heels. `I suppose I can go with you as long as you're in the district, Neku.`

“Thanks, Josh,” Neku replies absently, before turning to Beat and telling him all about how school’s been going. Even if they’ve been in touch over the phone, it’s _different_ face to face, and Neku’s eager to show Beat what he’s been working on. Joshua, for his part, stays out of the way, content to occasionally demand affection from one or the other. Mostly Neku, unsurprisingly; Neku’s fairly sure Beat is put off by the whole idea of petting a dog that is also Neku’s other boyfriend.

No surprise there.

(Or maybe it’s just that he tends to be allergic.)

Joshua lets Neku and Beat catch the train without too much drama, surprisingly. He simply has Neku give him one last neck-scritch and tells them to `knock them dead. Figuratively, of course.` They don’t say much on the train rides, of course – it’s too crowded – but once they’re not completely surrounded by people, Beat asks one of the burning questions:

“Neku, you ain’t really dating a dog, are you?”

Neku chokes. “What?! No!”

“Because, like, from what that dog kept saying –”

“ _He isn’t a real dog._ ” Fucking hell, Joshua, do you have to ruin everything –

“Man, I get the dog’s a person and all but I am _not_ going on a date with someone dating a dog,” Beat continues with fervour.

“He’s not a dog!” Neku shrieks. And oh god, people are _staring_. “He’s not a dog, Beat,” he repeats, quieter this time. “He’s just – he turned himself into a dog today because he felt like it. This isn’t a normal thing.”

Beat digests that, then, dubiously: “So you … you _aren’t_ fucking a dog, then.”

“No!” And thank _god_. Can you imagine – that’s not even thinkable. Ugh, brain bleach, please. “No, Beat, he’s just a regular reaper who, I don’t know, thought you’d find the dog form less threatening.” Haha, if _only_.

Beat thinks about this. “Not a dog, then,” he says, and Neku confirms. “Just a reaper.” Yep, though that’s not really a **just,** and they both know it. “Is _that_ why Shiki was so upset earlier? She was mad about you fucking a dog?”

“I did not fuck a dog,” Neku says again. Beat’s going to tease him about this _forever_. “No, she’s mad I agreed to take Shades’s old job.”

Beat stares at him. “ _You **what!?**_ ”


	10. Chapter 10

Neku survives that conversation intact.

Neku even manages to go to the concert still with a date. He’s not sure he and Beat are still A Thing, but Beat doesn’t tell them they’re through, just tells him that if he finds out Neku’s doing a fraction of the shit Shades was doing, he’ll take him down. He won’t like it, but somebody’s gotta knock some sense into Neku if that happens, and Beat loves him too much to let him become a monster.

Neku … Neku has better friends than he deserves.

And then there’s Joshua.

Joshua, who Neku could easily blame for everything going wrong right now. It’d be so easy, and Joshua’d let him do it. Joshua’s the one dragging him into all this mess, after all.

… Joshua’s also the one pointing him at problems waiting to happen and going _fix this_. Fix it now while you still have the chance. Shiki might forgive him, or she might not, but she _definitely_ wouldn’t if he’d let it sit much longer. Beat … Beat’s a nice guy. Neku needs to try harder not to take him for granted.

Fucking Joshua. It’d be so much easier if he was doing this shit on purpose, or if he delighted in fucking up Neku’s social life, but no: he’s just doing his best. He’s doing his best, and Shiki’s doing her best, and Beat’s doing his best, and Neku? Neku needs to get his act together and put more effort into it. They’ll all try to cover for each other, and he’s not alone, but not being alone doesn’t mean much if he doesn’t try.

What do you do when people’s bests are at cross purposes, though?

Neku wishes _so fucking much_ there was a neutral party he could talk to. Hanekoma, maybe, or who he’d thought Hanekoma was before he learned better. But there isn’t. Not anyone Neku knows, anyway. Everyone has their own interests and that’s just how it goes, sometimes. Maybe all the time.

Yeah, Neku _could_ blame Joshua, but who’s to say the same problems wouldn’t have cropped up without him? It’s not like Joshua’s the one trying to keep him from talking to his friends. Hell, Joshua’s been reminding him of the other people in his life the whole damn time.

Nobody can go it alone, and when it comes down to it, Joshua’s _still_ alone. Oh, he’s got people he talks to – more now than he ever has, if Neku’s right about what his life’s got to have been like – but as far as people he trusts goes? Nah. Just Neku and Hanekoma: a teenager who doesn’t even live where he can go anymore, and a complete fucking asshole not worthy of a fraction of the respect Joshua gives him.

It’d be so easy, for him to let Neku isolate himself as much as Joshua has. So easy. He hasn’t, though.

Neku’s life could go so much simpler if he just went and told Joshua to fuck off; they’re through. Shiki and Beat’d be relieved, and they’d take him back in a heartbeat. Neku doesn’t need Joshua, could live happily without him, and he’d just – never hear what anyone else is thinking again, the Music of the city, people creating and changing and learning as they go. Just like everyone else, and they get by just fine. Never have to make the tough calls, who deserves a second chance at life and who doesn’t, who to sacrifice and who to save.

It’d be so easy, too, and he’d never have to think about Joshua scared and alone with the lives of thousands in the palms of his hands, poised over the abyss. Not that Joshua would let it get that far. He’d sacrifice himself first.

Neku … Neku doesn’t think he can do that. Maybe he could’ve if Joshua was just using him, but … what’s the point of getting yourself out of a pit if you don’t help anyone else up? There has to be some way he can balance this, some way he can help out Joshua without letting him become the center of Neku’s world. He’s already well on his way; a lot of the reapers are decent people, and no matter what happens, he’s not going to give up his social life for him. Joshua doesn’t want him to, anyway.

Maybe he can keep his friendships with Shiki and Beat while he’s at it. He’d like to, anyway, and they’d probably like to, too. But if he can’t … none of them are the same people anymore. It wouldn’t destroy them for their friendships to break. They all helped each other out when they needed it most, and that’s not the sort of thing that goes away.

Joshua still needs it, and Neku … Neku doesn’t want to be the kind of person to kick him when he’s down. Not now that he’s trying to reach out. And at the end of the day, that’s all there is to it.

Neku picks up the phone and calls.

“Yes?” Shibuya’s composer answers. “I know I’m lovely, Neku, but honestly – I _do_ need to get some actual work done today, you know.”

“I’ll make this quick,” Neku promises. “Josh, about today ….”

“I’ll accept whatever decision you make, Neku. There’s no need to worry about that.” Fuck damn it, Joshua, let him talk.

Neku takes a deep breath. “That’s not where I was going with that, Josh. Your clairvoyance needs work.” Joshua snorts, and Neku continues: “Look, I love my friends, but you’re my friend _too,_ you asshole. I’m not going to side with them by default, okay?”

“Neku …” Joshua says, and Neku was right: he hadn’t even thought to hope.

“We’ll work this out,” Neku says forcefully. “There’s got to be some way to balance this, and if there isn’t – well, I can make more friends. They helped me enough, we helped _each other_ enough, that we can do that, now. None of that’s going to go away if they can’t handle me not condemning you for trying to do your best, okay?”

“Neku,” Joshua says again, and he wishes they were close enough right now for Neku to ruffle his hair.

“They’re – they’re good people,” he states. “Better than me, I think: I don’t think they could … I think it would break them, trying to do a fraction of the stuff you do your whole life.” It wouldn’t break Neku, though. It would suck, and there’s no way he could do it as god-fucking-damned _alone_ as Joshua’s had to, but he wouldn’t be alone, is the thing.

He wouldn’t even have to go into the seclusion that’s a simple fact of Joshua’s life. Composer … being composer would break him, he thinks, but he could handle conductor. It’s terrible, but it’s true.

Shiki and Beat are so much better than him. “Neku, you’re a good person,” Joshua says finally. “Don’t ever doubt that.”

“We both know I could order erasures,” Neku says harshly, and what the fuck kind of thing does that say about him? “Maybe I couldn’t shoot you, maybe I only tried to kill Shiki because I was scared, but fuck – I nearly erased Pinky and Lollipop just to keep them from getting up again, and they’d _helped_ me –”

“Self-defense isn’t a bad thing, Neku,” Joshua states. “Do you know what would happen if we all quit work right now? Me, the reapers, the players, all of us?”

“What?” says Neku, though he already suspects the answer.

“We’d all be erased, and no one would have another chance at all,” he replies quietly. “They’re already dead, Neku, and the Noise forms all on its own. It’s triage, Neku, not murder; it would be simpler, I think, if we didn’t have to care.”

“Triage, huh,” he repeats.

Joshua lets out a sigh. “You’re a good person,” he says again. “Your friends are good people, too, but they aren’t suited for this work, and that isn’t a bad thing. Some people do best preventing problems, and then there are those like us who come in after the damage is already done and do our best to pick up the pieces. Both are important, Neku, and you shouldn’t feel ashamed.”

“Joshua …” he manages. He – okay. Yeah, okay. He can do this. “Thanks, Josh,” he says finally, and it’s a weight he wasn’t really aware of off his shoulders. Maybe not for good, but … Joshua can tell him that as many times as it takes to sink in.

“I’ll wait for you, Neku,” Joshua says. “Have fun with classes.”

“Y-yeah, you too,” and – click.

* * *

School goes … well, it goes. That’s really the best you can say for it; everyone’s busy prepping for finals, and Neku’s no exception.

Beat calls him a few times, and they chat, but it’s – tense. Getting better, but tense, like he’s trying very hard not to think about a lot of things, and Neku hates that he’s put him in this spot. He can’t shake the feeling that it’d’ve been better if he never told Beat about it at all, even though logically the topic’d come up eventually.

Shiki would’ve told him, if nothing else.

Rhyme texts him, too, giving him updates on how Beat’s doing and sending him encouraging messages, in between complaints about her own school situation, and Neku is _so_ glad he doesn’t have to worry about getting into a good school ever again. It is over. He is done with entrance exams and he is done with high school and he never has to do it again.

Shiki, though … Shiki doesn’t send him anything, doesn’t reply to his group messages. He tries not to ascribe too much intent to that, especially since she’s been so busy lately, but it’s hard.

He’s not completely isolated, though. Even if everyone’s busy prepping for finals, they still talk to each other a _little,_ and ….

“Why do you sound like you ran for public office or fucked a composer or something?” the reaper girl asks him, and Neku blanches.

“We’re not talking about this,” Neku declares fiercely, and a moment later: “What do you mean, anyway?”

She hums. “Well, you always sound like Shibuya, Shibuya, but you were getting at least a _little_ normal, then it’s all Shibuya again. I ain’t judging; it’s just weird.”

Neku scrunches his eyes. So, what, had Joshua left him with a reaper hickey? They _are_ the only people he cares about knowing where Neku belongs. “I’m the Conductor,” he says instead. “Why shouldn’t I sound like my district?”

She shrugs, sheepish. “Guess so, mate,” she concedes. “You just got a lot louder, so I wondered.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he insists, and she accepts that. Oh, good, because he didn’t want her to know her joke was right on the mark.

Fucking Joshua. 

* * *

Neku’d _thought_ he’d gotten used to tuning out everyone’s thoughts again, but fuck: everyone’s stressed out about finals and it’s getting to him, their own emotions magnified in the chorus of grades and class ranks even as he leaves as many encouraging imprints as he can stand. He can’t fight the Noise, not alive and without a partner, but he still clears what he can. There’s just so _much_ of it, though, even with the reapers passing by to erase it in shifts, and his possible-friend’s as stressed as the rest of them.

He needs to get out of here. Fuck school; he’ll try his best on his finals, and if it comes down to it, he can cheat. It’s not a good thought and he’d _really_ rather not, but there’s no way he’s going to get anything to stick in his head when everyone else is trying hard not to panic. He’s got limits, you know?

So the Saturday before finals, Neku heads back to Shibuya, not bothering to give anyone a head’s up first. Trying to sort things out with Shiki and Beat right now’s just more stress than he needs, especially when he can wait a week or two and actually have room to process it, however it goes, but Joshua … Josh is probably still happy with him right now. He’d’ve never thought that Joshua would be the _low-stress_ option, but there you go.

No one meets him at the station, of course, but Neku sort of wonders if Josh had even noticed he’s there. He assumes so, but even his clairvoyance has limits if he doesn’t know to check. Maybe he can surprise him in his base again, in better circumstances this time. 

That in mind, he plods down to the sewers and eventually finds where the door to the lounge should be. ‘Should’ being the operative word; there’s nothing there he can see, but it definitely _feels_ right. Did Josh vanish the door?

Fuck it, let’s go for broke. He’s going to feel very silly if it doesn’t work, but hey, what else is new? 

“Shibuya,” he says out loud, tentative but putting effort into the idea, “I don’t mean any harm, but I want to prank Your composer. Can you help me?”

Nothing for a moment, and then the door fades into view. `Young conductor,` Shibuya says in a voice like cars and crowds and the security of a land always in flux, `for you: anything.`

Neku stops breathing for a moment. The city is –

`You returned My composer to me,` Shibuya continues, `and We have long memories. Do as you will, little monkey.`

Neku’d bow, if he knew where _to,_ and settles on one of the walls. “Thank you very much,” he manages, and heads into the lounge. 

It’s still too bright – it’s probably always going to be too bright – but he adjusts almost instantly, Shibuya still ringing in his ears, and the mood goes tense as soon as he opens the door. Tense, but not dangerous; Shibuya’s claimed him as surely as any of the reapers, and he belongs here.

“Incoming~!” calls Lollipop, and Joshua swears and vanishes, power going into a high-pitched whine until it’s out of Neku’s sensory range. 

“It’s just me, ” Neku replies, swapping out his shoes and then walking over. Joshua fades back onto the couch, across from Lollipop and the tryhard. She’s preoccupying herself with going over the paperwork spread across the table, but Neku deeply suspects it’s a feint to hide her own laughter. 

“That was not very nice,” Joshua sulks. 

Neku coughs. “But your face was priceless,” he says, and honestly, Neku feels like he can take revenge like that any time he wants. “Besides, Shibuya said I could.” Well, okay, not _exactly,_ but close enough. 

“Really,” Joshua says levelly, raising his eyebrows, and then he beams. “Shibuya actually spoke to you?” he checks. “ _Very_ good. In that case, I suppose I can forgive you.”

“He’s just cranky because we need to have the budget in by Monday,” the annoying kid explains. “And if _you’re_ here, he’s hardly going to get anything done.”

Neku flushes, but at least Joshua pointedly watches some of the fish go by, too. 

Lolly-Kariya clears his throat. “What Coco isn’t saying is that she’s the one with the best head for numbers out of all of us,” he drawls, “so the only thing he’s here for is signing off on everything.”

“I read it first!” Joshua huffs indignantly. “Neku, tell them I check it all.”

Like Neku would know? “Uh, I’m not getting into your weird dead people bickering,” he states, and Coco gives him a thumbs-up.

“See, Josh?” she says gleefully. “Not even the kid’s on your side on that one.”

Harsh, but Joshua just puts a hand over his face and shakes his head. “I have been betrayed,” he says, woefully, though Neku thinks he’s stifling a laugh. “Completely and utterly betrayed.”

“It happens,” Neku tells him, plopping down next to him to pat him on the back. “You probably deserved it, if it helps.”

“And after everything I’ve done for you, too.”

It could so easily be biting, all of it, but instead it’s comforting, just banter between friends, and Neku feels heartsick that his own are upset with him. He hopes desperately that they’ll forgive him, but if not ….

Joshua and the reapers exchange a glance. “We’ve probably got this covered,” Kariya says finally, “if you want to do something with him.”

“I can fake your signature on the inner bits,” Coco chirps. “The budget’ll be fine.”

Joshua looks at him, imploring.

“It’s up to you,” Neku says. “I don’t want to interrupt anything if you’re busy.”

“That would be good, then,” Joshua says quietly. “Thank you, Coco, Kouki.”

“Anytime, boss,” Kariya replies, and Joshua stands up, offering his hand to Neku. Neku takes it.

“Text me if you need me,” Joshua tells them, and they return two “aye, aye!”s. “Neku? Shall we?”

“Yeah, let’s,” and they do. 


	11. Chapter 11

Joshua turns out to be leading him to a sort of study, a desk on one end and a reclining couch on the other, and Neku … Neku thinks he sees a spot for a fold-down bed and some heat lamps. 

“This was Megumi’s,” Joshua says, infinitely tired, and Neku shivers.

Megumi Kitaniji. No wonder it feels haunted by a ghost.

(They’re all ghosts, a voice in the back of his mind reminds him. Kitaniji’s just one of the ones who’s finally dead.)

“Why did you bring me here?” Neku says, and Joshua doesn’t look at him. 

“I thought … it doesn’t matter what I thought,” Joshua murmurs, and Neku gets it, a little. 

“I know you miss him,” Neku says. “It’s okay.”

Except it isn’t, and they both know that. “I didn’t even like him,” Joshua says. “I didn’t like him, and I doubt he would have liked me, if he ever saw past the title to the being that was once Yoshiya Kiryu, and he’s happier now, anyway. Years of faithful service and I repaid him with –”

“He died protecting what he believed in,” Neku says, and it’s a strange reversal. “You can’t fault him for that.”

 _But you can fault me,_ Joshua doesn’t say. “Why are you here, Neku,” he asks flatly. “You can’t expect to end up much better than he did.”

And he wouldn’t have, a few years ago, but things are different. “You won’t destroy me,” Neku says, and Joshua barks a laugh.

“That would be a first.”

“You fixed Shibuya,” Neku offers. “Maybe some of the damage was your fault, but it was still better afterward than before you started.”

Joshua chuckles. “Perhaps,” he says, “but I did a lot of damage in the breaking.”

He did indeed, and much of it was to Neku personally. “I don’t,” Neku starts, not really sure what to say, “I don’t really hold it against you, anymore.” Joshua jerks around to stare at him. “I don’t forgive you, exactly – a lot of the things you did were pretty unforgivable – but you’re doing a better job making up for it than I ever really expected.”

“Neku ….”

“So don’t … don’t forget about what you did, and don’t _ever_ pull that shit again, but you don’t need to – I don’t want you to hate yourself over it,” he blurts out. “It’s not okay, and it’s never going to be, but – that’s over now. We can put it behind us, can’t we?”

Joshua chokes out a laugh-sob and buries his head in Neku’s shoulder, shaking. Not crying, but – he probably would, if he could. “You’re a better friend than I deserve, Neku,” he mutters, and Neku just kind of – pats him, awkwardly. Not a hug, but not _not_ a hug, and Joshua’s so stiff. “Your friends won’t be so generous, you realise.”

“So fuck them,” Neku says frankly. “You hurt _me,_ not them. They were dead already; if you did nothing, they’d – they’d’ve stayed that way. And it _sucks,_ but even with your fucking bet … yeah, they got hurt, but it’d’ve gone about the same with some other composer. It’s not their call, and somebody else might not have brought Rhyme back.”

“Little point in raising one Bitou without the other,” Joshua notes, pulling back a little. Just enough to turn around and let Neku rest his head on him. “You really mean that, don’t you.”

“Yep,” Neku says. “ _You’re_ the composer here; can’t you tell?”

Joshua laughs, leaning back into Neku as Neku puts his arms over Joshua’s shoulders and settles his weight down on him. “I suppose, yes,” and: `Does that imply you're giving me permission?`

“Standard ‘don’t be a jerk’ rules apply,” Neku warns, “but yeah, sure. So what do you want to do?”

Joshua wiggles his hips and waist against Neku, which, uh, is a bit forward, considering they’re in the room of a dead guy. (Technically everywhere here’s in the room of a dead guy, but Shades is a _little_ more dead than everyone else.) “I was thinking …” Joshua trails off.

“Yes?” Neku says, preparing to wince. Joshua thinking is never a good sign.

“Since you’re here, would you mind if I get started on preparations for the next Game?” he says finally, and Neku blinks. Not really what he expected, but …. “It’s a bit early – today was day six, and then we’re off for two weeks – but if you’re amenable, I’d like for you to ….”

“You want me to see what it is you actually do,” Neku concludes. Rrrrreally not what he was expecting, and a bit dark for right before exams, but he takes a deep breath. “I can … I can see what I can help with, I guess. – Did you go on break just for me?”

Joshua slides out from Neku’s arms and shakes his head, striding over to the desk and tapping out a rhythm. A stack of papers appears in the air before him, and he spreads them out on the desk and piles them back up, taking a few to make a separate stack. “No, Tokyo UGs all generally time our Games to conflict with school as little as possible. Most reapers don’t keep up a façade of humanity enough to actually complete school, but enough do that it’s easier to account for them than not.”

“Are they all around our ages?” Neku asks. “Shades seemed _kind of_ old, but ….”

“Mid-twenties, yes. Megumi was my oldest, physically, and Coco’s the youngest,” he says briskly, handing Neku part of the smaller stack as he takes the larger one for himself. Neku glances at it: biographies, or maybe obituaries. “As people age, their personalities are more set; those who only are given the options of reaperhood or erasure, without the choice for reincarnation, are people with the _capacity_ to be worthy, but for one reason or another, they aren’t there yet.”

“Like Beat and I,” he says, and Joshua nods.

“Those right there are some of the Players who aren’t currently resurrection candidates, but can get there with some work. I want you to determine their entry fees.”

Well, _fuck_. Neku stares at the packets with dread, and flips through. It’s only two people, but …. Fuck.

“Too much?” Joshua murmurs, and Neku shakes his head.

“I just – fuck,” Neku says. “What’re the ones you’re holding?”

Joshua sighs. “The ones whose fates are more or less decided,” he says. “Erasures, mostly, but even if most of them are only going to enter the Game to immediately be erased, they still need entry fees. Just in case.”

Neku glances at the summary on top. “What if I get it wrong?”

“I’ll tell you what I would do,” Joshua promises. “And if both of us are wrong … well, it happens.”

“No pressure, huh,” Neku manages. Somebody’s life, distilled into a report for the UG to read and process, and that’s – sick. Everything they’ve thought and done, all condensed for bureaucracy.

Better than no evidence they were there at all, and Neku settles down to read the first one.

And read.

And read.

By page ten, he starts flipping through to see how long it is, but – it doesn’t end. Not for a _long_ while.

“They cover the entire life and relevant history,” Joshua says eventually. “Everything someone would need to know to understand that person. You likely only want to read the first page summary.”

“ _Now_ you tell me,” Neku grumbles. It only feels and looks like a few pages, but if that’s the case …. “Does anyone even look at the rest?”

“No one we know,” Joshua laughs. “These will all go to the Higher Plane eventually; I’m sure there’s an angel somewhere assigned to read them.”

The Higher Plane, huh. “What do they do?”

“Analysis, administration – everything, really, though it’s all beyond my pay grade.” Joshua shrugs, casually marking the packets up. “I’m sure Sanae knows more, though he’s hardly likely to share. _I_ don’t have clearance to interact with other angels, much less you.”

Neku blanches. “I think I’ll pass.”

Right, got to focus on this assignment.

The first guy … he looks like a total loser, even if he _is_ great at cosplay, and Neku wonders why he’s one of the ones Joshua thinks might have a shot. Egotistical, cowardly, self-centered, manipulative – he’s a complete fucking asshole and Neku’s sure half his friend group didn’t miss him at all. And then Neku sees his age and takes a deep breath. Yeah, this guy looks terrible – and seriously needs to shut up about military history, damn – but he’s _thirteen_ and with a shitty racist rich family.

Well. No one said this’d be easy. “Maybe for the first one, take his status? Then he can’t keep using it as a reason to be an asshole.”

“He’s dead,” Joshua replies. “He _has_ no status.”

Touché. “His _memories_ of his status, then.”

Joshua hums. “I’d lean more towards his family history. I’m sure he’d have nearly as much hubris if he were no one of note.”

“Yeah, probably,” Neku concedes, sighing. “He seems like the type.” And now for number two – fucking _hell_.

Who throws one of their friends out a window?! This brat, apparently. Shitty mom sent her young daughter out to get money for her drug habit and _damn_ is that kid a piece of work. She’s smart and skilled, but she turns all of it to – well, shoving her friends out windows and throwing acid in her best friend’s face as revenge for them _both_ blowing up a bomb. Fucking hell.

“Joshua, are you sure this girl was in the right pile?”

“Absolutely,” he replies, smirking.

“Can we just wipe her personality and start over?” he says desperately. “Because unless you can convince her other people have feelings, I don’t see _how_ we’re supposed to fix this.”

Joshua chuckles. “Try thinking outside the box,” he suggests, and _wow_ is that helpful! Neku had been keeping all his thoughts _inside_ the box; now he just needs to open it and look out there, and there it’ll be! Thanks, asshole, and now Joshua’s completely laughing at him. “Cheating is only cheating if you get caught, Neku.”

Oh, and that helps. “You’re really an asshole, you know,” Neku replies conversationally. “The only thing this girl actually values is her grandma’s journal, and I _don’t_ think taking that’s going to help make her a better person.”

“No, probably not,” he concedes. “What do all Players get?”

“… Player pins?” But what does the Player pin have to do with it? It just … allows Players to scan …. “You make the player pins, right?” Joshua nods. “Can you make one that’s a bit … different?”

“Keep going, Neku. You’ve nearly got it.”

What she needs is some _empathy,_ some ability to understand that actions? Actions have consequences. “Make her one that has her feel people’s emotions,” he decides. “Maybe even one that bypasses the player pin’s protections, or else she’ll walk all over her partner, but the fusion pin might do enough for _that_.” It certainly did for Neku, anyway: a lot harder to be a jerk to his partners when he knows he needs to get along with them. “Then the main thing you’d have to worry about is her swapping it for someone else’s once she realises hers is bugged.”

“… which we can ban for that specific Game,” Joshua finishes. “Bravo, Neku.”

Neku exhales, long and drawn out. “And you do this all the time,” he sighs. He’s sure Joshua specifically pulled that second one for him _because_ it’d be hard, but he’s equally sure she’s not the first case. Fucking hell.

“Among other things, yes,” Joshua says, taking the packets back and conjuring some notes on them with a flourish of his hand, before vanishing the whole collection. “I’d prefer to delegate entry fees to you eventually, though for now, Yashiro has been delighting in handling the rough drafts.”

Neku nods slightly. That … he can’t say that sounds _appealing,_ but Joshua’s clearly in no rush to pile work onto him, and if he hates it later as much as he does now, he can always re-delegate them. “Are you going to expect me to watch them Play?” he says finally, because he’s – he’s not sure he can handle that. “Not these people specifically, but ….”

Joshua looks up, startled. “No, not particularly. That sort of thing is best left to the harriers and wall reapers, and you would likely be too biased, besides. You can if you insist, but I hardly recommend it.”

But shouldn’t he know how they turn out, he thinks, and then shakes himself. No, it’s not worth it; the answer’s likely to be ‘poorly’, but at least he’ll’ve given them a fighting chance. “I don’t like this,” Neku says, and it’s the understatement of the year.

“I’m glad,” Joshua replies, and that’s – that’s something, he guesses. “Neku, even if they lose – their souls will be more refined than if they hadn’t played at all. The effort won’t have been wasted, and perhaps their next incarnation will have better luck.”

“Like Shades,” Neku mutters, looking around the room. Even if it’s the only real place to work in Joshua’s pad, it’s _creepy,_ hanging around in the room of an extra dead guy. “Can we go somewhere else? I need air.”

“As you wish,” he says, and they leave the room exactly as they found it.

* * *

“I don’t get why you keep it like that,” Neku tells him as soon as they’re back in the lounge. Coco and Kariya cleared out sometime, leaving only a _ton_ of paperwork, and Neku’s a bit grateful. “What do you usually do with a reaper’s things?”

“Donate them to charity,” Joshua says absently. “Their friends have first claim, really, but after they’re through – off to charity it goes.”

“And you haven’t done that with Shades’s stuff because …?” Grief, Neku assumes, but he wouldn’t have thought Joshua really felt _bad_ about it until a while later …. Too busy not thinking of everything else, maybe.

“Minamimoto was his only friend,” Joshua says shortly.

“Ah,” and – “ _ah._ ” That … that actually explains a lot. Even for Joshua, that’s a bit much. Neku just hopes Pi Face didn’t take any of it personally. Well, it’s Pi Face. What can you do? “Do you people … throw funerals, or something?”

“No.” Has he _considered_ – “I suppose we could open a bottle in his honor, if you wish.”

Yeah, because _Neku_ is the one who knew the guy. “I still don’t know my alcohol tolerance,” he warns. “Probably not the best time to find out, either.” Plenty of time to get drunk _after_ exams.

Joshua rolls his eyes, and Neku bristles. “Have a sip, then.” He strides over to the bar and scans for something appropriate, settling on a small bottle of pomegranate wine and levitating two glasses as he walks back to the table. The first glass, he only pours a tiny amount, and the second one he fills. Neku takes his cup, and they toast. 

“To Megumi,” he says, “who was a good man, even if hardly anyone appreciated him, and I’ll always remember his complete lack of irony.”

“To Kitaniji,” Neku says, and _clink_. The pomegranate wine tastes kind of like pomegranates. Neku isn’t sure what he expected.

Neku watches him stand up, curious as to if he’s got a family shrine. He’d never really thought about it, but Joshua briskly walks over to one of the house plants and pours the rest of the bottle into it. As good an offering as any, Neku supposes, and Joshua gazes down at it, something indescribable on his face. “You know,” he says, “his headphones were his entry fee? They were his working set; he especially liked them during meetings.”

“Meetings?” Neku echoes, and Joshua nods. Holy shit, now _that’s_ not giving a fuck about your job. “I got to say, I never wore mine in class.”

“The benefits of rank,” he murmurs, and he downs his glass, turning back to Neku. “That’s that, I suppose,” he says, and he sounds – relieved. Like he’s allowed to regret the whole thing, now, even if it’ll never be okay.

Closure, not forgiveness.

“So Neku,” Joshua says slowly, “is there a reason you’re here today?”

“I can’t wonder how you’re doing?” Neku replies, a bit snippy, though he doesn’t really know, either. He just … wanted a break from schoolwork and his schoolmates, he supposes, and whatever Joshua’s faults, he _is_ that. Maybe not a break from stress, but Neku’s other problems hardly ever are life-and-death. “I just wanted to see you, I guess.”

“There’s a thought,” he says, dubious, but there’s not many other reasons he could be here right now. What does Joshua really have to offer him that Neku can’t get elsewhere, Neku thinks, and Joshua winces. 

So there aren’t many reasons to lie about it. “I like you,” Neku states. “I don’t really know how to convince you it’s true, but it’s well past the point where I’d bother if I didn’t, isn’t it?”

“I can hardly argue about that,” Joshua says distantly, and he moves to lean on Neku’s shoulder. “It still seems odd.”

Yeah, that kind of thing always is. “So it’s okay,” he stresses, gently nudging Joshua’s head off his shoulder and onto his lap. Even if Joshua’s impossibly light, the idea of weight on his arm’s uncomfortable, and this way, he can run his fingers through Joshua’s soft hair. Joshua groans and pushes back, curling up a little onto Neku as Neku sprawls out so he’ll fit, and it’s nice. “I like your company.”

Joshua chuckles, wrapping an arm around Neku’s back, though Neku suspects that’d be uncomfortable for long. But then, it’s Joshua, so his circulation hardly matters. “I like _you,_ ” Joshua says truthfully. “Kouki thinks our association may no longer be quite so conspicuous, if you wish to go somewhere.”

Wait, really? “Would you want to go somewhere new? Like, _not_ in Shibuya?” he says, and Joshua tenses.

“Maybe one day,” he concedes, and he sounds so tired. “Leaving my district, even if only for a little while – you don’t know what you’re asking of me, Neku.”

Vulnerability, and change. Neku thinks he has a better idea than Joshua knows, even if he does read minds. “Maybe one day,” Neku echoes, and he’s fine with waiting, really. They’ve got time. “I’d be fine staying the afternoon in, if that’s all right with you.”

Joshua tilts his head to gaze up at him, eyes half-lidded. “Anytime,” he says lazily, nudging Neku’s hands with telekinesis to have him pat his back and massage his scalp. Neku indulges him, and it’s sort of funny how Joshua’s similarly demanding regardless of shape. “I’ll have you know I make a perfect dog.”

“I’d give you a snappy comeback, but I think they about write themselves, Josh,” Neku drawls, and Joshua snorts.

“The higher a monkey climbs, the more he shows his behind.”

Neku stares at him for a moment, then flips him off. “If you think I’m going to listen to this doggerel, you’re barking,” he growls.

“Oh, Neku,” he sighs condescendingly, “I’m just monkeying around; you don’t have to ape me. Even monkeys fall from trees, you know.”

Neku glares down at him a little longer, then stands up and panics momentarily as Joshua falls off the couch, elbow first. That looked _painful,_ but right: it’s Joshua, and he’s fine, so Neku smirks at his wounded pride. “I’m gonna take a shower,” he says, nudging Joshua with his foot to see if he’ll get up instead of just sulking. (All signs point to no.) “While I’m out, remember: no dogs on the couch.”

Joshua scowls and jerks up, fists clenched. “It’s _my couch,_ you ingrate!” he howls, and Neku laughs as he goes to clean himself off.

Sucker.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No prize to anyone who figures out who the nameless OCs are. >_>
> 
> Guess who's fallen into [Flight Rising](http://flightrising.com/main.php?p=lair&id=203059)? Totally more important than working on this fic's sequel (in which Neku and Joshua go on a roadtrip and a good time is had by all, by which I mean 'it's all schadenfreude all the time') or doing last-minute revisions. Shhhh.


	12. Chapter 12

There’s a dog on the couch when Neku gets back, of course, and Joshua’s precisely large enough to barely fit on it as he lies on his back and wiggles, feet up in the air. Joshua rolls onto his side once Neku’s seen him and perks his head up. `Took you long enough,` he says, huffing a bark.

“Your fault for stocking my hair gel,” Neku replies, and he’s not sure if he’s weirded out or touched. He’d never asked Joshua to do that, and he’d also never told Joshua the brand, but … no reason he couldn’t have checked sometime while Neku was still staying in Shibuya. “Thanks for that, by the way: I feel weird with my hair down.”

A moment’s pause, then: `It isn't a problem,` he says, and Neku’s sure he’d been worried if he’d overstepped. Eh, it’s a little creepy, but only a little, and he waited long enough Neku doesn’t think he seems desperate for Neku to move in with him or anything. Neku probably isn’t going to anytime soon, anyway.

“You _aren’t_ hoping I’m going to, are you?” Neku checks, looking down at him and deigning to rub his belly. Joshua moans and oh, hell: Neku hopes he's not doing anything weird. Or, well, weirder than the situation is inherently.

` You're at school for the next few years, aren't you?` he replies rhetorically. `You're welcome whenever you like, of course, but I like my privacy and this location is hardly convenient for you.`

Well, it is in a sewer. “I can’t tell if you’re disappointed or not,” Neku admits.

`Not particularly,` he says, shrugging. `That you're willing to visit me on your own accord is novel enough, I suppose.`

“Oh, good,” Neku says, relieved. “I didn’t know if you were trying to imply something.”

Joshua leans so Neku pets him more firmly, and thumps his tail against the couch. `That you belong here as much as you wish to,` he says, and Neku smiles. It’s good to be welcome, even if, uh, he’s welcome in the headquarters of a group of dead people, and that should worry him more than it does. But even if they’re all dead, none of them are bad, and Neku’s not offended to be counted among them.

Joshua moves back slightly and statics back into the human teenager, and Neku’s left with his hand floating in the vicinity of Joshua’s shirt before Joshua imprints a suggestion to lie down next to him.

Neku instead merely sits so Joshua can curl around him, and Neku rests his hand on Joshua’s neck. Joshua shudders, and Neku inhales sharply, remembering – well, remembering some of the things Joshua’s into, but Joshua simply watches him and smiles. “I’m just as content doing this, Neku,” he murmurs, and Neku allows himself to relax.

“Good,” Neku manages, “because I’m – really not up for that, right now.” Intentionally hurting people – Neku doesn’t ever want to become someone who can do that lightly.

Joshua gently offers him a memory, and Neku accepts.

> A need to test both their limits; to show Neku in the strongest way he knew how that Joshua trusts him, or wants to trust him; to push Neku past where he’s sure Neku will reject him. Joshua was certain, so certain, that Neku’d either throw him out or hurt him, and that he didn’t ….

“It was enough that you did it the once, Neku,” Joshua murmurs, coiling around him. “If you wish to repeat it – you need only ask. I shan’t ask you again.”

Neku ruffles his hair. “I can’t say I enjoyed the experience,” he admits, “but it _did_ mean I had to process some things, so – thank you for that, I guess.”

“The pleasure was all mine, I assure you,” and the sensation of Neku’s hands around Joshua’s throat flashes through his mind for a moment. Just a moment, and Neku knows it isn’t, was never real, but Joshua sighs so completely satisfied that Neku forces himself to breathe. “I still have no intention of hurting you, you know.”

“Yeah, I know,” Neku says softly, and Joshua bends his head forward and slides Neku’s shirt up to lay a kiss on his hips. Neku moves his arm back around Joshua’s head, protective in a warped sort of way. “I just sometimes wonder what else you’re into,” he admits, and Joshua slides back to lean against Neku’s elbow.

“Control,” he says simply. “Having it, fighting for it, giving it up of my own will – that all matters more than the acts involved. If you wanted to tell me what to do, that would be nice, I think.”

Neku jiggles the arm Joshua’s head’s resting on, and is amused by Joshua’s scowl. “And you’d listen to that, I’m sure.”

Joshua pulls himself forward, and that’s more weight than Neku wanted on his hand, even if it isn’t quite real. “As much as you would if the positions were reversed,” he says, sliding off and through Neku’s arm to sit next to him, legs on Neku’s lap. “I’m not interested in perfect obedience, on either side. Much more fun with a touch of mystery, wouldn’t you agree?”

“Is that what last time was about?” Neku asks, sliding his hands under Joshua’s back and thighs to move him onto Neku proper, though of course Joshua darts a kiss onto Neku’s jaw and grinds his ass against Neku’s shorts. Neku grunts, though he tries not to, and there’s no way Joshua didn’t catch that.

Joshua doesn’t repeat it, though, and he’s so _light,_ just solid enough for Neku to feel pressure at all. Like spooning a ghost. _Exactly_ like, even. “I wanted to make you feel good,” he says into Neku’s ear, and: “I wondered if you would let me.”

“I had a good time,” he says, or tries to, but what comes out is: “I had – aaah! Fuck, _warn me_ before sticking your tongue in my ear!” which the bastard doesn’t even stop doing, even though it’s _cold_ and _wet_ and – actually, Neku kind of likes him nibbling on the shell there, but _wet tongue in his ear_ is still one of the worst sensations in the world.

` Worse than being shot?` Joshua says, but at least _then_ Neku doesn’t get up afterwards! Joshua snorts, and it tickles against Neku’s scalp as he keeps sucking on his ear and slowly moving down to his neck.

“You left a hickey last time,” Neku grumbles, and Joshua pauses for a moment, then redoubles his efforts.

`Nothing visible,` he promises, `but if you don't want to sound like Shibuya, you'd best not come here at all.`

Neku moans as Joshua teases at a particularly sensitive spot, and Joshua grinds down again. “Hey, hey, I go outside, you know!” Neku squeaks, but Joshua just laughs.

`Neku, dear, I meant that literally. Anything I did after you worked in my studio or had Shibuya unlock my door is simply icing on the cake; the only way someone'll hear if we're fucking is if they pay attention to _me._`

“So you didn’t …,” he manages, and Joshua mercifully pulls away. Neku tries not to squirm, uncomfortably aware of his own arousal, but Joshua seems only the usual level of smug.

“I sound like Shibuya,” Joshua purrs, “and _you_ sound like Shibuya, and though I may burn off traces of other districts – it’s all Shibuya, in the end, and no one should bat an eye at that. But a skillful reaper might hear where I sound of _you,_ and really, Neku: you should be more careful about that sort of thing! _How can I face anyone with a hickey._ ”

Neku rolls his eyes. “Your point is made,” he concedes. “Now get back to work.”

Joshua gleefully resumes sucking on his collarbone, and Neku sighs in contentment. `Where do you want me, my dear conductor?` he says, sliding his butt against Neku’s erection, and it was _really_ too much to hope he didn’t notice. ` I'm clairvoyant, Neku: of course I knew.`

Yeah, but he didn’t have to admit it, and Neku’s thrown too off-base to properly think about the question. Joshua indulgingly tosses him a few images, tempered with his own commentary, and that guy is _way_ too gleeful about giving blowjobs. Neku likes going down on people too, and Beat certainly appreciates it – he cuts off the thought before it can get too painful, and Joshua rests his forehead against Neku’s own.

“Neku,” he says, serious, “you have a way of bringing out the best in some of the most unlikely people. Daisukenojo may forgive you, or he may not, but rest assured: I will stand by you for as long as you’ll have me.”

“Thanks, Josh,” he murmurs. “That means a lot to me,” and he pulls him in for a kiss, trying not to think of who _else_ Joshua would stand by. Hanekoma, too, is out of his control, and Neku doesn’t want to pull Joshua between the two of them until he has to.

And Joshua’s gentle and sad this time, letting Neku take the lead, and Neku eases his mouth open as he tries to run his hands up Joshua’s shirt. Joshua obligingly turns, resting his knees to Neku’s sides as he brackets Neku’s head with his hands. `I love you, Neku,` he says, `for whatever that may be worth.`

The love of a city-god; the love of his former murderer. It _isn’t_ worth that much, but – Joshua the person, _that_ might go somewhere. Maybe. If they work at it.

` They're all the same, Neku,` Joshua says. `It's all just me.` And even so, Neku thinks that’s not quite right. Different facets of the same person, but Neku suspects Joshua hardly used to show the last one, and if you change one, you change the whole.

None of them are the same people anymore, and even if Neku thinks that’s a _good_ thing, his face is wet and Joshua pulls his head back to rest it on Neku’s shoulder. “Oh, _Neku,_ ” Joshua says, and it’s not mocking, not mocking at all.

“I just wanted everything to work out,” Neku manages, and Joshua pulls him into a hug as he shakes. “I just – there _should_ be a way to get everything to work out, if only I could find it –”

“There isn’t,” Joshua says shortly. “There never is.”

But Neku _wants_ there to be. He won’t say that, though. There’s no point, and all they can do is try. Joshua holds him as he cries, and even if he’s cold and stiff and all made of angles, Neku’s glad he’s there and not a dog. Joshua jumps a little as Neku thinks that, but it’s not like hugging the dog is _bad,_ per se. He just … wants some human contact, sometimes.

Joshua conjures a damp washcloth and dabs it at Neku’s face, then gives him a tissue to blow his nose in. Neku smiles at him weakly, and Joshua looks so relieved that Neku bursts into tears all over again. “It’s okay,” Neku manages, laughing a little. “It’s just – your face –”

“What _about_ my face?” Joshua sulks, brow furrowing into a pout. Neku laughs again.

“Nothing, nothing,” Neku says, and: “You’re just not very good at not looking like an asshole, that’s all.”

Joshua’s face screws up at that, not sure if he’s offended, but eventually he settles on scowling. “There’s a reason for that,” he says, and Neku snickers.

“You said it, not me,” he replies, and Joshua backs up enough to rest his head under Neku’s chin. Neku sets his hands on Joshua’s back and rubs at his shoulder blades, absently wondering where his wings go the rest of the time.

Joshua pulls back slightly and nudges Neku’s hands lower, down to his waist. “They’re at my natural frequency,” he murmurs, “but it’s – disorienting, to have you trying to butt up near them.”

“Like walking through people in the RG,” Neku guesses, and Joshua nods slightly. “It’s like that all the time for you, isn’t it,” he adds, and he wonders – not for the first time – what Joshua _really_ looks like.

Joshua hums neutrally. “Sanae senses me properly,” is all he says, and Neku just thinks: _fucking Hanekoma_. There’s no point getting jealous over him, but Neku is anyway, and he hears/feels Joshua’s defensive flash of protective anger. Neku doesn’t plan on getting between them, honestly he doesn’t, but he just – wishes Hanekoma was anyone else.

Joshua mentally backs away from him, an undertone to Neku’s senses he can only identify by its absence, and Neku sighs. “Sometimes people need to complain in their thoughts, Josh,” Neku says. “It doesn’t mean they’re going to do anything about it.”

“I’m the composer; I’m well aware,” he snaps back. “I still don’t like it when it’s about someone I care about.” Joshua hunches up, then slides off Neku. Neku lifts a hand, thinking of pulling him back, but Joshua simply settles back down on Neku, his back to Neku’s chest this time, and Neku sighs in relief. “Finally, I have a conductor who knows of my producer,” Joshua mutters, “and they can hardly stand one another.”

That’s probably because Mr H is an asshole, Neku thinks, but he can’t put Joshua in that position right now. Not while Neku has a rift with his own friends and they can keep from pushing it a while longer. “I’m glad you’re talking to your reapers now,” he says instead, and it’s true. It’s just not the whole truth.

“They’re fond of me,” he replies, and he sounds so _mystified._ “I’m never going to be one of those composers who spend all their time down here, mind you.”

“There are composers who do that?” Neku repeats, and he hadn’t thought ….

Joshua shrugs. “Not many, I don’t think – it’s not safe, for _anyone,_ and it’s hardly efficient – but I met one who keeps his shop sigiled and all his reapers know who he is. His UG was very … peaceful.” He sounds wistful, and Neku kisses his neck, then moves onto sucking on it as Joshua moans in contentment. Joshua’s mind settles back into its usual place at the edge of Neku’s awareness as he does so, which is a good thing: Neku’s mouth’s a bit occupied.

Neku brushes his teeth against Joshua’s skin, and Joshua squirms. “You can bite me,” he murmurs, voice a bit husky. (Heh, husky.) “I – like pain, so long as you …” and he trails off, projecting his meaning rather than try to force it into words. So long as it’s personal; so long as Neku stays with him; so long as Neku pets him and tells him he’s done a good job, and Joshua reinforces it with the word _aftercare_. Neku might look it up later, but for now he’s just concerned with _Joshua,_ and Joshua wants him to –

“Get off me,” Neku says instead, and at Joshua’s surprise: “You wanted me to tell you what to do earlier, didn’t you?”

“Yes, but …” Joshua starts, then he leaps off Neku’s lap and stands up, gazing down at him. “And what do you want from me, conductor?” he says instead, smile sly. If Neku’d seen it a while ago, he’d’ve wanted to introduce it to a fist, but now – now it still wants a fist, really, in more ways than one, but Neku won’t indulge him.

Neku’s not sure _what_ he’ll indulge him with, but he can probably wing it just fine. “Take your shirt off,” he says, and Joshua lights up as he eagerly undoes his buttons, not really trying for a show but somehow ending up sexier than if he had. Neku watches him, trying to seem dispassionate, but he can’t quite keep the smirk off his face and he’s not sure there’s much point in trying. “What do you think I should know first?”

“I don’t want you to go down on me,” Joshua says immediately, and he reaches behind him to conjure a bag, which he sets on the table in front of Neku. “These are for you; they respond to music and intent, and should be finely tuned enough that you can control them by yourself.”

Neku glances in the bag, though he already suspects, and – yeah, his face heats up. It’s a set of sex toys, reasonably thorough, and the bases all have a design etched into them that reminds him a little of Reaper Creeper. “Did you make these yourself?”

“They’re an open secret throughout the UG,” he says instead, and that isn’t an answer.

Neku kind of wants one, right now, and Joshua _did_ want him to be in charge. “I asked you a question,” Neku says, testing, and Joshua’s eyes glint.

“So you did,” he says, and Neku glares at him. “What answer were you looking for, my dear Neku?” he lilts. “Were you hoping I spent time crafting them myself, perhaps? Or is it –” Neku gives him a withering glance, and Joshua trails off. “I bought them, if you must know. There’s a composer not too far from here who does them on mail order.”

Neku looks in the bag again and taps his foot, willing the set of anal beads to move, and they do. That’s kind of neat, but also not at all what he’d been thinking about, so he closes the bag and sets it aside. Maybe some other time. “Why don’t you,” Neku starts, and stops, not quite sure what he wants, then finishes: “get me some coffee.”

Joshua perks up and then crosses his arms in a huff. “Why should I?” he says, and Neku grins broadly.

“I guess you don’t _really_ want me to tell you what to do, do you?” Neku says, and Joshua stares him down with all of his standing height. Even with that, he’s not that impressive, and Neku just smiles. “I guess I won’t _really_ ask you to get me off after all,” he adds, and Joshua crumples, defeated.

“And what kind of coffee does your delicate ego require, Neku?” Joshua sulks. Is he actually going to do it? This is incredible.

Neku pretends to think about it. “I heard a Starbucks opened up recently,” he says, and Joshua _winces._ “I’m joking; do you have a coffee maker?”

Joshua sticks his tongue out at him, then hops to. After a few minutes – Neku suspects he cheated some of it, because of course he did – Joshua comes back with two cups of coffee. Neku sips his and makes a face: “You put way too much sugar in it.”

“Your fault for not specifying,” Joshua replies brightly, but it _is_ still pretty drinkable. “You know, you’re lucky I didn’t throw you out for trying that.”

“My mind went blank,” Neku says honestly, sipping his coffee-flavored sugar tar. Or possibly slurping it. Neku attempts to make this look sexy, but it was doomed from the start. Neku … Neku dramatically laps the sugar tar, and Joshua at least looks amused, so that’s something. “I’m kind of thinking we should try that some other time.”

Joshua’s shoulders fall, a bit disappointed, but not very. “If you’re not into it, you’re not into it,” he says with a sigh, shrugging.

“I kind of like the idea,” Neku corrects. “I’m just not feeling it right now.” He glances down at his coffee-ish beverage, then sticks his finger in it and licks the sugar off. It’s kind of cavities-in-a-cup, but in a nice way. “So why don’t you get up here and take my shirt off, too,” he says, and Joshua rolls his eyes before pouncing on top of him.

Neku grunts at the expectation-of-weight, even though Joshua’s just as ghost-light as ever, and Joshua slides his fingers under the hem of Neku’s shirt to ease it up. Neku watches, completely fascinated: Joshua doesn’t seem to grasp how getting the sleeves off his arms and above his head is supposed to _work,_ and instead pushes his face close to Neku’s to try to block his vision. _Yes, you may,_ Neku thinks, pulling him down to kiss him, and he’s tangentially aware of Joshua convincing the shirt to go through them both rather than ask Neku to cooperate.

“Actually,” Neku pulls back to say, changing his mind _again,_ and he can hear Joshua groan in frustration, “I _do_ know what I want from you.”

“Yes?” he says, intent.

Neku glances down to where Joshua’s crouched over him again. “I want you to get us both off,” he says, trying to offer Joshua the image, “and then we’re going to get a nice dinner out, and you’re going to pay for it.”

Joshua lifts it from Neku’s mind, then beams. “Deal,” he says, sliding Neku’s pants down just enough to get his cock out, and Neku tries not to jump at his cold hands. It’s just what Joshua’s like, and even if it’s a bit uncomfortable, Neku’s getting used to it and he warms up quickly enough. Joshua rubs at the foreskin, not so much aroused as just curious, and Neku shivers.

“Wouldn’t have thought you’d go along with it that easily,” Neku says, because he’s never seen a battle he’d win gracefully.

“If I’m paying, I’m picking where we’re eating,” he replies, and that’s – that’s fair. Joshua slides his own equipment out, and next to Neku’s, it looks – dainty.

How a cock can be dainty, Neku isn’t sure, but that’s definitely the word for it, and Neku’s left with the horrifying mental image of Joshua either spending a lot of time grooming or Joshua freaking _cheating_ it and – he does. He totally does, doesn’t he.

“I don’t know why you’re surprised,” Joshua mutters, “or how it took you this long to notice I’m exactly as sexy as I want to be.”

“Everything makes sense now,” Neku says distantly, trying to keep a straight face. Of course he does. He raises the dead; he can totally manage impeccably luscious pubic hair. _This guy._ “You’re my unrealistic standard for beauty,” he adds, and Joshua grins.

“I’m afraid no one else will ever match up,” he says sadly, resettling himself above Neku. “Your entire sex life, forever being compared to one perfect and magnanimous composer.”

Neku is reasonably sure neither of those words actually describe Joshua worth a damn, but arguing is for some time Joshua’s short-but-definitely-there nails aren’t resting on somewhere sensitive, just firmly enough that Neku is extremely aware of them. Maybe that’s why Joshua hates _receiving_ oral: it’s a lot harder to be a brat if you need to worry about someone biting you somewhere _really_ unfortunate in revenge, and Joshua can even recover from it.

“That’s plausible,” Joshua says, doing something Neku can’t see that kind of tickles. “You’re wrong, but that’s plausible.”

“Josh, what are you even doing?” Neku says, pushing him out of the way, and: “For the love of God –”

“Yes, that’s me,” Joshua chirps, and Neku shoves him off. When did he even take out a marker to draw faces on their dicks?! A smiley face for Joshua, and a scowl for Neku, and he’d even tried to get their hair styles to be right.

That is _so_ not right, and he’s trying to be pissed but he just can’t manage it. “Why are you always so weird?” he blurts out.

“It’s art,” Joshua explains, climbing back onto him, and Neku pulls him down so his face bangs into Neku’s chest. Joshua squawks in dismay, then licks Neku’s nipple as revenge, which _augh,_ cold. Neku lets him back up, but Joshua looks so proud of himself that Neku just has to shake his head.

“You’re impossible,” Neku states, but Joshua just grabs both their dicks to mash the faces together. Neku tries really hard not to grin.

Joshua looks down and sighs. “Next time, I should make them little outfits.”

“This idea is half-cocked.”

“Give the heads little hats,” Joshua adds, ignoring him.

“You could do a puppet show.”

“We should make finger puppets,” Joshua says, and for a moment, Neku’s not sure if he’s earnest at all.

What is he thinking about; of _course_ Joshua is. Joshua is usually earnest; he just pretends he isn’t. “I can’t say that’s a bad idea, but maybe you should do that sometime you’re _not_ going to have sex with me,” Neku suggests, and Joshua actually looks sheepish.

“Of course, Neku,” he says, booping their dicks together one last time before gently but firmly grasping them both in one hand. Neku is nearly certain he’d even made a sound effect for it.

Joshua’s so much gentler and slower with them both than Neku ever is with himself, but Joshua also hasn’t had to share space with anyone in a _long_ time, and he shows it, too. He’s so fucking _loud,_ like Neku could ever forget he’s there otherwise, and Neku kisses his forehead.

Joshua jerks up and smiles at him, a bit shy, before returning his attention to what he’s doing, and Neku brushes Joshua’s hair out of his eyes before grasping his thighs to pull him closer. Despite his lack of weight, he’s strangely immobile, and Neku moves one hand up to his waist while sliding the other down Joshua’s waistband to squeeze his ass. Joshua pushes forward, startled, and loses his balance, flopping onto Neku completely, thumb still running over their cocks.

“Hello, Neku,” he says, ever friendly as he grinds on Neku. “Nice day, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, it is,” Neku replies honestly, casually exploring Joshua’s buttock and letting his fingers linger at his asshole. “You still have work to do, though,” he adds, and Joshua smiles at him.

“I suppose I have to do a good job, then,” he says, pumping them with his hand as he presses down on Neku. Neku tries to arch up, but there’s not really anywhere to go, and the added pressure makes it hard to breathe. Joshua just watches him, and even if he’s flushed and breathing heavily (unnecessarily), he still only looks as amused as he always does, even as Neku’s straining for release. _Cheater,_ Neku thinks, even as Joshua’s very vocally into it, and Neku cups Joshua’s balls as Joshua pushes down to kiss him, Neku coming first as that pervasive sense of _Joshua_ picks it up and magnifies it, sharing in it as he hits Neku with an imprint and flops down bonelessly on him.

No words, just Joshua’s sense of _Neku,_ this sad angry teenager who managed to pull Joshua out of his shell, and Neku kind of wants to cry. It’s maybe not appropriate, but Joshua trusts him so much, has put so much weight on him, and it’s – overwhelming, really. Neku’s just one person; he can’t _be_ everything.

But Neku strokes Joshua’s hair as Joshua snuggles with him, and Joshua sends another imprint, with the intricacies that’d gone over his head. Joshua doesn’t really _expect_ him to, anymore; maybe that was what he wanted, to be able to define his world around Neku, but it’s bigger now. Maybe not much bigger, maybe still smaller than Neku can handle and still likely to go crashing down, but still: it’s bigger, and growing bigger still.

` I love you, Neku,` Joshua says, lightly teasing Neku’s neck with his teeth as he presses against him, and maybe Neku doesn’t feel the way Joshua does and maybe he never will, but he still smiles and pulls him close and says:

“I know, Josh. I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how to classify this NSFW. That is definitely some nsfw.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for altered mental states and Hanekomas! Also wow this chapter was 10k before I split it just now, damn. Looks like you get a triple update today! Happy Thanksgiving! A cat is helping me type this note!

Neku’s the one who wants to move first, of course: he’s sweaty and gross. He stretches out and displaces Joshua enough that Joshua looks down at the come sticking to Neku’s chest and scowls.

“That’s disgusting,” Joshua says, and even if it’s really Joshua’s fault it’s there at all, Neku can’t really argue with that. “Humans are disgusting,” he adds, and _that’s_ not fair.

“I’m gonna take a shower,” Neku says, and tries to get up. Keyword: _tries,_ as even with Joshua murmuring imprecations about bodily fluids, Joshua doesn’t actually want to let go of him enough to _fix the problem_. If it bothers him so much, he could lick it off or something; Neku _knows_ Joshua’s got a bit of an oral fixation, but Joshua just glares at him in disgust instead. “Josh, _move_.”

“You’re comfortable,” Joshua grumbles, but Neku nudges him with his elbow and Joshua slides off, mock-offended. “It’s not my fault your body is disgusting,” he adds, and Neku rolls his eyes.

“Actually, if you think about it, it is,” he snaps back, picking up his crumpled shirt.

Joshua sticks his tongue out as Neku goes. “See if I ever revive you again!” he calls, but Neku just laughs.

Neku’s even cheery enough that the fish don’t creep him out as he goes to clean off, which is nice. It’s still _weird,_ but that’s just what Joshua’s place is like, and he waves at a particularly interested-looking fish before hopping into the shower. The hot water and quiet room’s nice enough that he takes the liberty to sing a bit as he relaxes, and the acoustics are actually surprisingly solid.

Well. It is Joshua. If he doesn’t want his shower to echo, then by god is it not going to echo. The only problem’s that he’s uncomfortably certain Joshua knows about it, but as soon as he thinks that, Joshua projects contentment at him. Neku can sing in Joshua’s shower _all he wants_ and that’s just fine.

Joshua’s sprawled over the couch when Neku gets back out, and he’s as irritatingly flawless as ever. 

“Hey,” Neku says, a little awkwardly, but Joshua just beams at him and it’s okay, really. It’ll be okay. 

“Def Märch has a show today,” Joshua says, trying to be casual, but his hands are tight and Neku hears Shibuya coiling around him. “Would you like to go?”

Neku doesn’t have a ticket, but he shakes himself: he probably doesn’t need one. Hell, he’s going to be their _boss,_ or at least supervisor, and he’s yet to meet a reaper who doesn’t like stockpiling favors. “You’ll be going, right?” Neku replies, and Joshua pauses. Neku thinks he’d _like_ to, but being the composer …. “I figure it’ll still be in Shibuya?”

“It’s at A-East,” he confirms, but he’s still thinking about it. Joshua … really doesn’t get out much, does he, and Neku is so glad once again that he couldn’t shoot, all that time ago. “I’d like to,” he says, but Neku can hear a ‘but’ coming. 

“Let’s get dinner, and if you decide you just want to watch it from afar, that works, too.” Nicer if Joshua’s actually there with him, but taking him to a show by a reaper band … yeah, maybe not the best idea.

“I’d like that,” Joshua replies, relieved, and Neku smiles at him. They can work this out.

Neku turns to get ready to go, figuring he’ll leave the bag of – haha, goodies, even if Neku has no clue which of those he’d want, if any, and Joshua stretches out and swaps out his outfit. It’s a bit painful to watch him do it straight on, his brain trying to reject this altered reality, but out of the corner of his eyes is fine, and Joshua winks at him once he’s dressed more appropriately. Tigre Punks, a short skirt over black ripped pants with some extraneous chains near the waist, and a leather jacket over a partly unbuttoned shirt that resembles his standard, and Joshua swipes his hair back. 

“I can’t believe I’m the one of us who looks respectable,” Neku says, and Joshua laughs. It’s true, though: they look like a pair of delinquents going about town instead of actually _studying,_ and Neku’s okay with this.

“Shall we go?”

“Let’s.”

* * *

The moment they’re above ground, Neku’s kind of amazed at how much Joshua’s mannerisms change. The honest amusement makes way for a sly smirk, and Neku can’t even spot the actual difference. It’s just this massive shift from enjoying Neku’s company to not giving the slightest fuck about anything; nothing can hurt Joshua and there’s no point in trying.

He’d known Joshua had a mask up all the time, but maybe seeing him with it down for a while let him think it was gone. Neku doesn’t need his headphones all the time anymore; why does Joshua still need his biting apathy? Who’s he trying to fend off?

Joshua quirks an eyebrow at him and Neku flushes. No clue how much of that he was listening to, but Neku’s not going to find out either way.

Joshua takes the lead as they walk, and Neku relaxes a little, even as he keeps straying just a _bit_ too close and Neku hears a faint hum, like it takes active effort for Josh to remain RG. This _really_ isn’t where he belongs, is it, and he’s … he’s down here because Neku wants him to be, at the end of the day, but just because he wants to be with Neku doesn’t mean he likes it.

Neku brushes his hand against Joshua’s elbow when they stop to wait for the light, and that – that helps, or seems to. Certainly _Neku_ feels calmer, and Joshua’s slight projection of _stay away from me_ shuts off as he snaps back down to firmly match Neku in the RG. Still flighty, but … better.

So strange, all these things he catches from their recent link, but he already doesn’t know how he got by without it. They both stop for a moment to watch a reaper on their rounds – end of day six means no more Players to erase this pay period, so the Noise is theirs to clear – before Joshua pulls him off to Dogenzaka.

Ramen Don. _Of course_ they’re going to Ramen Don; Joshua’s kind of a cheapskate, isn’t he. Neku tries to work up an appropriate amount of ire, but honestly he can’t blame Joshua for this choice: Ramen Don is fucking delicious.

Joshua doesn’t send him a _damn right,_ but it’s a near thing.

Ken Doi’s as happy to see them as ever, and Neku can nearly relax as they claim a seat near the back. “What’ll it be for you kids today?” Mr Doi says, a twinkle in his eyes, and Neku barges in before Joshua can volunteer them for something. 

“The usual, sir,” Neku says politely. “Shoyu for me, and shio for this guy.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t try your experiment last time,” Joshua adds. “I’m sure it was delicious.”

“It’ll be out in a minute,” he says kindly, “and don’t worry about it, Joshua: I saw what kind of mood you were in. Doing better today, though?”

Neku glances at him, a bit curious, but Joshua just smiles. “I have been so far,” Joshua replies. “And you?”

“Can’t complain. My little protégé’s cleaning up around back, but I’d like to introduce you two, if that’s all right.”

Joshua’s smile goes the slightest bit more frozen, but Neku grins. “We’d love to,” Neku says, and Ken Doi nods and heads off to get their food.

“You do know who also works here, don’t you,” Joshua murmurs, and Neku shakes his head. Should he? “I suppose you’ll see soon enough.”

Well, that was foreboding, but ramen was Joshua’s idea, so it can’t be too dangerous, Neku figures. What he’s really wondering about’s the last time Joshua was here. He’s glad Joshua still buys food from this particular nice old man, but ….

Oh. Right. “This where you met Kariya?” he asks, and Joshua nods slightly. That about makes sense then; Neku’s run into him here himself, and on better occasions. Kariya’s pretty decent as reapers go, but still not someone Neku’d like to run into by surprise.

Not nearly as bad as – “Aw, do I half tau?” Oh, fuck. Neku cannot possibly be hearing this right.

“These kids saved my shop!” Ken Doi says proudly, and – yeah, that’s fucking Pi Face in an apron and gloves. How the hell is he even allowed in a restaurant? Aren’t there food safety laws?

Joshua leans in close to Neku, coincidentally hiding his face. “Mr Doi makes him wash thoroughly before he’s allowed in the kitchen,” he murmurs, and that makes Neku feel better.

For about half a second, before he realises he’s _stuck in a restaurant with a homicidal reaper_. Neku’s about 80% sure Pi Face won’t try to seriously harm _him,_ but Joshua … Joshua is another story. “You couldn’t have _warned me_?” Neku hisses, his goodwill evaporating rapidly.

“He can’t do anything inside the shop,” Joshua explains, “even if he does end up recognising me, which he shouldn’t.”

Oh, good, Neku thinks, before realising: “Why are we whispering?” Joshua is _telepathic_.

But it’s too late. It’s too late. “Hiya,” Pi Face says as he expertly sets their dinner down on the table. “Here’s your parabowlas! Pops says you helped him out of a tight spot?”

That pun was so bad, it kind of … no, it’s still bad. Neku squints at him. “Yes?” he hazards.

Pi Face stares at them, then slams his hands down on the table. Joshua catches both bowls before they can spill, though. “Hey!” Pi Face yells, and the rest of the store turns to see the commotion. Neku slinks into his seat. “Since when do your lines intersect with Pops?!”

Oh god. “Since … a while?” Neku says, but Joshua just _has_ to butt his head in. He has to be aware that Pi Face wants his job. There’s no way. There’s just no way.

“Oh, I’ve been a fan of the father of Tin Pin for a long while,” Joshua says helpfully, and Neku just _stares_. What? “I’d be happy to challenge you at the slam tables, if you’d like.”

Pi Face waves his arms around dramatically; Neku lifts his bowl of ramen off the table in case he trips. “You!” he yells, and Neku winces. “I like your _style_.”

“I’ve always prided myself on how my form meets function,” Joshua adds, and Neku groans, hiding his face in his noodles. Please no.

“ _Slam on,_ ” Pi Face growls, but Ken Doi raps him on the shoulder.

“You’ve still got work to do, Junior!” he says heartily, and then turns to Joshua and Neku. “Eat well, kids; you can always play an old man’s game some other time, eh?”

Neku … Neku doesn’t know what to do with any of this, but at least the food’s good and it doesn’t seem like there’s going to be a fight. Joshua and Pi Face end up agreeing to duel at Stride ‘where t = 1 week’, which, seriously, what the fuck even, but no bullets were involved, so that’s good. Neku honestly has no idea how much of who they are even sunk into Pi Face’s head, but what else is new?

Eventually, they finish eating, and Joshua settles their tab with some weird barter approximation of payment, which … probably isn’t how these things _should_ work, but it’s Joshua, and everyone seems happy. Even Minamimoto, and _he_ just ends up waving to them and telling them all about they’d better exponent the power of his new pin deck, because he’s worked hard on it.

“I still don’t get why we were whispering,” Neku confesses.

* * *

The concert is – wow, fucking incredible. Neku and Joshua end up just sneaking in by hopping into the UG and back down, but any vestiges of guilt from doing so vanish the moment 777 sees them and waves at them, specifically. It’s neat to be friends with the band, sometimes, and the concert’s right before exams so most of their usual audience is too busy studying. Probably why Joshua suggested it, really: they’re not taking any seats people’d’ve actually used, and Neku buys some merch, just in case.

Neku’s phone buzzes, though he’s sure he’d turned it off, and he checks it to see: `We got a favor to ask of you and the boss. No rush; can't be done this season anyway. Just keep it in mind, yeah? -- 777`

`OK,` Neku types back, then shows the message to Joshua. Joshua shrugs; if he knows, he isn’t sharing, and it really probably _isn’t_ anything pressing.

God, Neku’s first official text as Shibuya’s Conductor, and it was two fucking letters. His face burns, but Joshua grabs his shoulder and the band starts and –

– he knows intellectually that the kind of stuff Def Märch does _totally_ isn’t his style; it’s the sort of weird experimental shit that he kind of ends up laughing at sometimes, when he’s alone, and they’re still using that goddamn megaphone as a prop, even if they’ve gone back to singing properly and 777 can actually do some amazing things with a guitar –

– but it doesn’t _matter_ ; there’s just him and the music and the energy of the crowd and everyone there wants to be there. They all want to be there and they all want to just be able to forget for a few short hours their worries and their responsibilities and _that’s what music does,_ that’s what the band is here for, just to have a good time and relax and have some reason to see other people –

– but there’s something missing here, something important, and Joshua presses up to Neku and invites him to dance and he’s almost got it. Almost, but not quite, and maybe neither of them know the same dances, but they move and Joshua’s a vortex, a funnel cloud for all the stress and anxiety they’re concentrating, and Neku’s the only point Joshua can touch down without destroying everything. And that’s terrifying, and Neku knows there’s some reason Joshua shouldn’t be here –

– but it doesn’t matter, nothing as complex as that matters, and all Neku needs to do is keep Joshua from touching anyone else. Neku can channel it, he knows he can, and the reaper band can divert it in their own way, but Joshua’s the gravity well and he’s out of place. He’s out of place, but that’s okay. It’ll be fine.

“I got you,” Neku says, imprints, thinks, and he pulls Joshua back down to the RG, tethers Joshua to the reapers, and waits for the storm to pass.

There’s no way they don’t know; there’s no way the whole _district_ doesn’t know, but Def Märch just keeps on playing and doing their part to keep the music going. Joshua might not be safe here or anywhere, but Neku’s got him, and Neku’s not going to leave him to fly alone.

So maybe Neku’s never been the biggest fan of their sound. It doesn’t matter; BJ and Tenho are in top form and it’s beautiful, in its own way: all these people coming together for a gig and Joshua’s doing what a composer should, taking all these disparate pieces and making something new, but they don’t – they don’t _ever_ work up close, and Neku’s starting to see why.

“You’re beautiful,” Joshua says, once they stop playing and the setlist is finally done and they can all start returning to solid ground. “Neku, how did – everyone is so _beautiful,_ ” he says, and it’s like it’s never occurred to him before.

“Yeah,” Neku says, trying to pull him along. They need to get out of here. They probably saw that display in _Hokkaido._

“You’re wonderful,” Joshua adds, and he might be following where he’s led, but Neku needs to grab his sleeve every few seconds to keep him from wandering off. “This is wonderful, Neku.”

“It really was,” Neku says, “but we need to _go._ ”

Joshua digs his heels in and Neku nearly trips. “The world is wonderful,” he states, and: “Neku, we need to tell _everyone_. Neku, do you – do you think Sanae knows, that the world is wonderful? Has he told people?”

“I think that’s his entire career,” Neku snaps, turning back to bodily lift Joshua up and carry him on his back. Blessedly, Joshua deigns to put his arms over Neku’s shoulders so Neku can carry him piggy-back. Cursedly, Joshua _also_ deigns to nuzzle Neku’s neck, and Neku seriously does not need this right now. He needs to get Joshua _home_ and he needs to get him home _now_.

“Neku, I’m already home,” Joshua says plaintively. “The world is home, and it’s _wonderful,_ Neku, you really – feel how wonderful it is, Neku, feel how happy everyone could be, if they worked together,” and it’s only Neku’s determination that keeps that imprint from leaving him exactly as blissed out and incompetent as Joshua himself. It can’t stick without something to stick to, but even then, Neku loses himself for a few seconds in Joshua’s universal goodwill.

This guy is so, so dangerous, and he doesn’t even have to want to be. Neku needs to get him home _now,_ and Neku nearly cries with relief when Hanekoma meets him near 104. Not that Neku’d called him, but, well –

“What the hell did you let him _do_!?” Hanekoma roars, and Joshua just waves as Hanekoma wraps his power around the three of them and transports them back to the lounge. 

“Hello, Sanae,” Joshua says as Neku lets him slide off and onto a couch. It takes him a few tries to sit up, but he manages it eventually. “I went to a concert, and it was _wonderful._ Neku is wonderful.”

Neku _finally_ lets himself actually breathe. They’re safe. Ish. “I don’t know,” he blurts out. “He suggested I go with him, and then it started and he was like _this_.”

Hanekoma looks between the two of them, and Neku’s uncomfortably certain he’s scanning one or both of them, only he can’t _do_ anything about it, but eventually he sighs and nods. “Not your fault, Phones,” he says, though Neku suspects he wishes it were otherwise. “The boss should’ve known that a restaurant’s one thing, but a _concert_ – well, you see.”

“It was wonderful,” Joshua says, but Neku tries to shush him.

“See what?”

“Creativity and imagination,” he says flatly, and at Neku’s blank look: “They’re what fuel all reapers, but with that many people ….”

He got high, Neku concludes, and Joshua hits him with an imprint that’s strong and subtle enough that Neku’s sitting next to him without him really thinking of doing so. Well, okay, Neku thinks, but then Joshua’s pulling him close and telling him how wonderful he is, and, uh – well, not really much Neku can do about it. “It was a small gig,” Neku says, in Joshua’s defense. “He didn’t tell me this would happen.”

“He probably didn’t know,” Hanekoma concedes. “He’s never been out much, and he’s a lot older than composers usually get, so he got hit hard. You take care of him, all right?”

“Yeah, I will,” Neku says, and: “Hey, Mr H?”

“Yeah?”

No good way to put this. “Why are you doing this?” he says, and Neku’s not really sure what he means by it. Trusting Neku with Joshua; setting them against each other; _screwing over Shiki yet again_ …. There’s so much, and Neku doesn’t really understand it.

And Hanekoma just looks at him like the answer’s obvious. “I love him, Neku,” he says simply. “Might not always seem like it, but I’ve known this kid a _long_ time and I ain’t about to let anybody else hurt him. Might be cruel, but shit: I figure he’s gone through too much to not always know who his friends are, and I ain’t about to let Shibuya go to the dogs if I can do a damn thing to avoid it. Capisce?”

That doesn’t … Neku doesn’t know _where_ to start with that, so he lets it go for now. Neither of them are the one who needs to hear it, anyway. “Yeah, I guess,” he says instead. “See you, Mr H.”

“See you, Phones,” he says, and he’s gone.

Neku’s left staring where he’d stood, and Joshua pulls him closer, patting him absently.

“Neku?” he says, a bit worriedly. “Neku, why do you sound sad? The world is _wonderful,_ Neku: you should enjoy it! Live a little, Neku; it can’t be that bad. We can work past it, whatever it is; you’re amazing. You can do anything, Neku; I love you.”

Neku sighs and pushes a lock of Joshua’s hair back behind his ear. “You are _really_ fucking stoned, aren’t you,” he says, and Joshua flops bonelessly onto him.

“I’m not stoned,” Joshua pouts, but it’s the biggest lie Neku’s heard all day. “I just finally realised how wrong I was and how absolutely perfect everyone is. People are wonderful, Neku, and we all just need to embrace the … the _wonderfulness_.”

“I kind of wish I could record this.”

Joshua snaps up. “Neku,” he blurts out, “Neku, we need to tell _everyone_.”

Oh god. Joshua pulls out his cell phone and snaps three pictures of them both before Neku can wrestle it out of his hands, but _fucking hell_ the guy’s still got enough control over his telekinesis to send them even as Neku tries to shut the damn thing off. He’s doing this for your own good, Joshua, but hell, playing keep-away with a god’s a bit past Neku’s capabilities, and Joshua looks so _woeful_ whenever he tries.

“Neku, if I don’t tell everyone how great they are, how will they know I appreciate them?” he says. “They’re – they’re all _wonderful,_ and they do _such_ a good job, and I’m so proud of them, every last one of them. They’re so great. You’re so great, Neku, and we would be so great _together,_ and you would be _beautiful_ with wings, you really would.”

Neku groans.

“You’re beautiful _now,_ of course, Neku,” Joshua adds quickly. “You don’t need wings to be amazing, but sometimes I think about you with them and – _Neku_.” He lays a kiss on Neku’s nose, but he doesn’t really move back, either, and Neku carefully slides him back down, though that just means Joshua’s nuzzling him again. “You’d – they’d let you skip right to feathers, if you wanted, Neku, but it’d be a waste, a total waste, Neku, you shouldn’t let them do that,” and Neku tenses, not quite sure what Joshua’s saying. “The world is wonderful, Neku, but _Tokyo_ is wonderful, too, don’t you think, Neku, don’t you love Tokyo? And _Shibuya_. I love Shibuya. I don’t know why I thought I didn’t, but you taught me, didn’t you, Neku? You love Shibuya too, and Shibuya loves you, and Tokyo ….”

“I love Tokyo,” Neku says, and that seems to be the right reply. Joshua’s always so talkative, but this … this is more than a bit disturbing. “Josh, are you – going to be okay?”

Joshua furrows his brow. “I _am_ okay, Neku,” he says, which … no, Neku’s not really convinced. “I’m just also – Shibuya, Neku, I think I burned away my own insecurities and I feel _great,_ Neku, I don’t know how to make you begin to understand how great I feel, how wonderful everything is. Maybe it won’t last – few things do, Neku, but that’s all right; they’re beautiful as they are – but I _get_ it, Neku; I feel what it’s all really _for,_ and you should too, Neku, don’t you think so?”

Neku feels Joshua pressing at the edges of his mind, but he holds him off as best he can (not very well; the guy is like a truck) and says: “No.” Joshua pulls back in confusion, and Neku adds: “Josh, I’m sure it’s great; the world _is_ great and I’m glad you’re happy. But no.”

“I _am_ happy,” Joshua says with conviction. Neku rolls his eyes. “Are you sure, Neku? It’s – I feel _everything,_ Neku; Shibuya has so much possibility and we – we can make it _real,_ Neku. I love you, Neku; can I – can I make you happy? Please, Neku.”

And Joshua’s on Neku’s chest, eyes wide and face intent, and Neku doesn’t think he just means the imprint. “Josh, you’re … I don’t think you’re really okay right now, Joshua,” he says carefully, and Joshua leaps off him and onto the other couch.

“I upset you,” Joshua observes distantly. “I’m sorry, Neku; I just – it’s all beautiful, Neku, and _you’re_ beautiful, and I love you, Neku. You’re wonderful, and I –” He cuts himself off, and as Neku tries to figure out what to say, he vanishes.

Well, fuck.


	14. Chapter 14

Joshua can’t actually have left; Neku’s pretty sure the lounge would feel different, if he had. Instead, Neku just gets the sense he’s hiding, and he waits for his heart rate to calm down. Whatever that concert did to Joshua was _terrifying,_ in its way, all his complexities smoothed down to an earnest need to be useful, and Neku feels a little like he dodged a bullet.

He dodged it by letting it hit Joshua instead.

“Joshua?” he says to the air, hoping serving as Shibuya’s conduit didn’t fry Joshua’s clairvoyance as well as everything else. “Josh, I’m not mad at you, so you can come back, if you want to. Let me know if you’re okay.”

Neku checks his phone, and again when there’s still nothing there. Fucking hell, Joshua.

His phone rings and he picks it up without checking who it is.

“Phones?” says Hanekoma, and that’s not really who Neku wanted, but he’ll take it. “I found Josh, and he’s in a bit of a state. I’ll send him back once he calms down; _don’t_ go anywhere and don’t let him go anywhere without telling me, either. I can get his head on straight, but even I gotta know first, you get me?”

“Thanks, Mr H,” Neku says, and Hanekoma hangs up on him.

Leaving Joshua with Mr H like this grates on him, but what the hell can Neku do? Neku can barely keep Joshua from steamrolling him; who knows what could happen if Joshua got it into his head to imprint anyone else. Even if he means well, he’s got more strength than sense and _somebody’s_ got to stay sober.

God only knows what Mr H’d do with him like this. Neku seriously can’t think of any better options, but _fuck._

He gets up and starts pacing, and since he’s got fuck-all else to do, he starts checking the rooms Joshua’d left attached. Nobody in the bathroom, nobody in Joshua’s bedroom, and then everything else is gone for now. Of course it is.

Right around when Neku’s considering storming down to CAT street to find Joshua himself, Hanekoma’s orders be damned, he goes to get himself a soda from behind the bar and finds himself by the CAT mural.

Of _course_. He hurries past it and to Joshua’s throne room, and finds them both deep in conversation, though it’s a bit one-sided.

“Sanae, I don’t _want_ to stay here all the time,” Joshua says earnestly. “Shibuya is wonderful, and the people are wonderful, and Neku is wonderful, and I’m not going to go anywhere alone, Sanae, you _must_ know that –”

Hanekoma cuts him off tiredly. “Josh,” he says, and Joshua actually pauses, which is a minor miracle, right now, “the people might be great, but the best way you can serve Shibuya right now is to _stay here and calm down_. You’re a good composer, Josh; you don’t need to ruin it by giving people a chance at you.”

“Neku was with me,” he replies, and Neku’s not sure how great of a defense that is if Neku can’t even keep Joshua from – whatever this is. But staying down here all the time isn’t right, either …. “Neku was with me, Sanae, and I trust him, and I trust Kouki, and I trust Coco, and I can manage my reapers just fine, Sanae, you _know_ I can.”

Neku sighs and walks over, putting his hand on Joshua’s shoulder, and loses himself for a moment. Joshua’s _vibrating,_ he’s honestly vibrating, and here in the heart of his domain, Neku can see what he’s sending for everyone in Shibuya, the pure beauty of their creative potential, a belief that everything will work out all right in the end, the need to make it so. It’s wonderful; it’s the honest version of what Kitaniji had tried, not forceful, merely pervasive and somehow _right_ ; but it isn’t Joshua at all.

He’s still there, even if Neku can hardly sense him at all under the sheer optimistic goodwill of Shibuya, but he’s not the one driving and Neku baps him on the head.

“Hello, Neku,” Joshua says, still just as bright, and Neku shakes his head. He’d hoped.

Hanekoma clears his throat. “You’re just going to have to wait for that to burn off, Phones,” he says. “It’s his first time serving as conduit directly, and he _really_ should not have done it at all.”

“He going to be all right?” Neku says, shoving his hand over Joshua’s mouth. Joshua actually acquiesces, and just leans against Neku, comfortably buzzy.

“Yeah, he’s fine,” he replies, looking them both over. “Only danger’s that you’d brought him out at all. Kariya? _Minamimoto?_ The boss is _not_ making good decisions lately, Phones, and you ain’t doing much to stop him, either.”

He’s been happier lately, though. Neku can tell that much, even if he’s not living here. “They’re his decisions to make,” is all he says, and Hanekoma looks at him and vanishes.

“I love you, Neku,” Joshua says, hesitant even in the sudden onset of his uncharacteristic joy. “You’re wonderful, Neku and I really do mean that; even the tired me thinks so. You’re –” and he trails off, laughing softly at his own ineptitude.

Neku laughs, too, and ruffles Joshua’s hair. “I know, Josh. You’re pretty great, too,” he says, and Joshua’s bouncing the whole time Neku leads him back to the lounge.

* * *

“Are you mad at me?” Joshua says, and Neku rolls his eyes.

“No, Josh, I’m not mad at you,” he snaps, and he wishes the mind-reading would mean he’d stop _asking_. Then again, maybe that’s why he’s having trouble believing it, because Neku wants for this to wear off yesterday.

“I’m sorry you’re mad at me,” Joshua says, and Neku squints. He’s going to have a headache at this rate, and the damn cyan lights aren’t helping. “You’re _wonderful,_ Neku, and you should be happy; I want you to be happy; is there anything you need, Neku? I could get you something, Neku.”

“I’m fine,” he says shortly. “Josh, just – come here,” he instructs, patting the couch, and Joshua leaps to sit next to him. Neku stifles a sigh and pulls his head onto his lap. “Could you just – be quiet for a while?” he says, and Joshua nods sharply, a ridiculous grin on his face, and Neku runs his fingers through Joshua’s hair.

Joshua hums his appreciation, and Neku cracks a smile despite himself. It’s _really_ fucking hard to stay irritated at him right now, especially now that he’s finally shut up, and even if Neku knows some of it’s that Joshua’s projecting his uncomplicated happiness for all to feel, it’s still … nice.

It _is_ nice, Neku realises, and Shibuya – Neku thinks Joshua managed to wipe away most of the district’s test anxieties with his mistake. Neku really fucking would’ve wanted to _know ahead of time_ that that could’ve happened, but the city’s cleaner now, much of the Noise cleared away by the composer’s immediacy. He might be in no shape to work now, no shape to do much of _anything,_ but Shibuya’ll be a brighter place, if only for a little while.

“You did good, Josh,” Neku says, and Joshua stares at him in amazement. “You did good.”

“You did half of it,” Joshua notes, and Neku’s hand freezes in surprise. He did; he brought Joshua to ground and kept him from doing anything irreparable, which, given how much control he’s got right now, is probably a feat in itself. “You deserve a reward,” Joshua adds, and he slowly pulls himself up, awkward and gangly, to press his lips against Neku’s own.

Neku’s not sure if this is right or not, but he kisses back, even as Joshua’s sloppy with his tongue. Sloppy, but happy about it, and his simple joy’s contagious, even as Joshua pushes him down and fumbles at Neku’s shirt.

“No,” Neku says, gently pushing him away. “I don’t want you to do anything you’re going to regret,” he adds, and Joshua’s face falls.

“I want to make you happy,” he sulks, and Neku chuckles. “I don’t think that would bother me, you know.”

“Probably not,” he concedes, “but it would bother _me,_ so we’re not going to, okay?” Joshua’s still frowning, but he nods anyway, and Neku relaxes. Even if Joshua’d probably be fine with it, Neku’d still feel like he was taking advantage of him, especially since they hadn’t even known he’d be left like this. “Come on: let’s go sleep it off.”

“I don’t _want_ to sleep it off,” Joshua says, but he gets up and follows Neku to Joshua’s own bedroom anyway, then strips unconcernedly. Neku pointedly doesn’t watch, but Joshua shifts his weight from one foot to the other and back again, marveling a little at the pointless physicality of the action, and Neku snickers. “Look, Neku,” he says, “I can pivot, and watch what happens.”

“I see that,” Neku says, watching the crease between Joshua’s butt and thigh level out as he shifts his weight to that side, and then back to a slight angle as his weight moves away. “Do you have any pyjamas I could wear? And put some pants on; I’m getting cold just looking at you.”

Joshua lets out a whine, but he does conjure a fuzzy pair of shorts, then throws a pale orange set of PJs onto Neku’s face. Jerk, he thinks, not unkindly.

“Muscles are strange,” Joshua says, and as Neku tries to decide whether to change here or in private, Joshua simply slides into his bed and smiles at him. “You’ve nothing I haven’t seen before, you know, Neku.”

Neku sticks his tongue out at him and changes hurriedly. It’s true, not least because Joshua probably knows what everyone in Shibuya looks like naked, but he still didn’t want to be reminded. “I just didn’t want to give you any ideas,” he says, and he jumps onto the bed. Joshua snorts at him, and sadly Neku doesn’t bounce, but fucking wow is this bed soft. And huge.

Mostly huge, really, though it’s smaller than last time, sized for the plausibly-large dog Neku sees more often rather than the bus-sized monster Joshua’d been. He probably has less to prove, this time.

Joshua watches him, expectant, and so Neku body-slams him. Joshua yelps, though Neku suspects that’s only because Neku wanted him to, and then hugs Neku tightly enough it knocks the wind out of him.

He may have miscalculated.

“Okay, Josh, let me up,” he manages, and Joshua lets go hurriedly, wide-eyed like he’s afraid of overstepping, and honestly that’s a definite concern. Neku smiles at him, though, and slides into bed next to him, facing away so – countdown to Joshua clinging in three, two –

He just barely gets to two before Joshua buries his head in Neku’s shoulders, Joshua’s hair tickling his neck, and Neku shudders. Joshua backs off immediately, so Neku turns enough to wave him over, and Joshua inches back to drape his arms over Neku’s shoulders, though that’s not exactly comfortable. The contact is nice, though, even with the circumstances, and it’s Joshua whose arm would fall asleep, so Neku clasps Joshua’s hands in his own and tries to doze.

Keyword: tries; Joshua’s energy’s a bit infectious, and even with him trying to be quiet, he still keeps humming and nuzzling Neku, which isn’t _unpleasant_ but also isn’t conducive for _sleep_.

“Josh,” Neku says tiredly, and Joshua freezes.

“Yes, Neku?” he replies, craning over to rest his head on Neku’s shoulder.

“Can you – stay still for a while?” Joshua isn’t exactly going to sleep it off if he doesn’t sleep, after all, and Neku’s depressingly certain that he’d follow Neku around for as long as Neku’s conscious. “You’re keeping me up.”

Joshua manages to hold himself still for a minute, but even with that, Neku can feel the energy vibrating off him, and Neku sighs. “I’m sorry, Neku,” Joshua says, still so earnest, “but everything’s so _wonderful_ and I _have_ to share it, Neku; it wouldn’t be right not to. Is there anything I can do for you, Neku, to help you sleep? I won’t go anywhere without you, Neku; you don’t have to worry about that, but I don’t need rest right now, Neku, I really don’t.”

Neku can imagine the next few hours with Joshua bouncing off the walls, and he’d really rather not, thanks. “It’d make me happy if you rested, Joshua,” he says, and: “Definitely _don’t_ watch me sleep.” Joshua digests this, then nods fervently, so at least Neku’s got that down.

“Do you need anything, Neku?” he says again. “I wouldn’t mind if you took care of yourself in here, Neku, you know; I just want you to be happy, Neku,” he adds, and Neku nearly turns him down again.

Nearly. It _would_ help him be actually tired, though, and the sooner he gets to sleep, the sooner the world can get back to normal. “You have to promise not to help,” Neku says firmly. The last thing he needs is for Joshua to sober up and get the wrong idea about things; maybe if they’d known going into the show that Joshua’d get into a bit of a state, it’d be different, but they didn’t and it isn’t.

Joshua butts his head up against Neku, affectionate. “I won’t, Neku,” he promises, and Neku mostly believes it. “Can I stay here, though, Neku? I really do want you to be happy, Neku, you know that, don’t you, Neku?”

“Yeah, I know,” Neku replies, and he does know, really. It’s even just as true the rest of the time, though currently Joshua’s, uh, more fixated than usual.

God, this is well beyond awkward; he can’t get Joshua’s earnest staring out of his mind, even with Joshua obediently staying behind him. Neku sort of likes the idea, though, even if it’s – probably the most awkward thing he’s ever thought of doing, but he’s uncomfortably aware of Joshua’s focus on him and weirdly shy.

Apparently having slept with somebody multiple times doesn’t make it any less awkward knowing they’re aware you kind of want to fap before bed. Who knew?

Neku sighs. He feels weirdly like he’s being expected to perform, and that’s not what either of them want, so he rolls back over and lazily looks Joshua in the eyes. Neku’s seen him this intense and bright and earnest before, but it’s not really _prompted_ by anything, and it looks – wrong. His eyes have lost some of the glassiness, though, and Neku’s _pretty_ sure he’s actually alert, not just faking it.

‘Pretty sure’ is not a great metric. “Josh?” he says, serious. “Are you going to remember any of this later?”

Joshua hums, thinking about it, and the tune keeps wavering. It’s regular, though, and probably intentional; it’s just _odd,_ and Neku doesn’t like it. “I’m not like that right now, Neku,” he says eventually. “Sanae was right, Neku, though he usually is; you don’t mind, do you, Neku, that I trust him? I know you don’t like him, Neku, though I wish you did; you’re both _wonderful_ and I don’t know what I’d do without either of you, I really don’t, Neku –”

“I don’t mind,” Neku lies, and Joshua freezes. Neku does mind – he minds very deeply – but pulling Joshua between the two of them would destroy him, and _that,_ Neku doesn’t want. They can – they can pretend to get along, if they have to, and they do both value Joshua, even if Neku thinks Hanekoma does for all the wrong reasons.

But Joshua isn’t Joshua’s only concern, and Hanekoma … Joshua needs him there, even if Neku hates it. Neku’s just going to have to deal with it. And Joshua just stares at him and bursts into the brightest smile Neku’s ever seen, and yeah, fuck.

This guy’s a disaster, and Neku probably loves him, too, even if this is _really_ not the brightest decision he’s ever made. They’ll work it out.

“You didn’t actually answer me,” Neku says eventually, burrowing his head into Joshua’s chest and laughing a little, which actually takes a bit of effort since Joshua keeps trying to do the same sort of thing to _him_. Joshua gives in first, though, and sets his chin on Neku’s head, rumbling all the while.

“What?” Joshua says. “Oh, Sanae said that I should be fine; he just doesn’t think I should try to do any work, and I’m not, Neku; I’m with you, and that should be perfectly fine, so long as you’re fine with it. I’ll remember this and everything, Neku; I just feel too wonderful to concentrate, I think. Do you understand that, Neku, what that’s like?”

“Not exactly,” Neku replies honestly, but it does kind of make sense, and he pulls himself up enough to peck Joshua on the lips. Joshua doesn’t react for a moment, not until Neku’s already starting to pull back, but he then crashes his face into Neku’s ineptly and it’s nice. Neku _is_ actually kind of tired, and Joshua seems – if not well, at least approaching lucid, and Joshua lightly nibbles on Neku’s tongue. Not enough to hurt, just enough to remind him of his teeth, but then Neku remembers Joshua likes pain and bites him back, hard. Joshua jerks, startled, but there’s no blood (of course there isn’t) and Joshua redoubles his efforts, kissing Neku firmly as Joshua’s hands wander downwards.

Joshua’s fingers linger at Neku’s waistband, but Neku catches him and directs him up his shirt, grabbing his hands for a moment when Joshua tries to jerk back. _Above the waist only_ isn’t the same thing as _not at all,_ and Joshua’s eyebrows shoot up in joyous surprise as Neku directs him to feel up his back, Joshua carefully exploring Neku’s shoulder blades.

No wings, not yet anyway, and it doesn’t take a detective to figure out Joshua wishes it were otherwise, but – but Neku’s okay with that, he thinks. None of the reapers are bad people; Neku could fit in with them, if he wanted. They’d welcome him enthusiastically, if not gladly, and he’d always have the safety net to go with the tightrope.

The option’s there, if he wants it, but for now … for now he’ll pass. They’ll welcome him, but they’ll wait for him, too; Neku doesn’t have to pick just yet. He’ll have to pick sometime, of course, but it doesn’t have to be soon.

(Joshua would like it to be soon, though, and Neku doesn’t even judge him for it. Of course he does. Neku still won’t do it for anyone other than himself, though, and Joshua knows that, even approves.)

Joshua presses down lightly between Neku’s shoulder blades, and Neku hunches forward, not entirely pleasantly. It’s right where Joshua’s scapulars and mantle would be, and Joshua lightens up to tickle the area before venturing back downward like he hadn’t done it at all.

“I still see where we tied you to Shibuya, Neku,” Joshua says, tracing either side of Neku’s spine, and the hair on the back of Neku’s neck prickles. “I think if I –” and he whistles on an exhale, and Neku thinks for a moment he’s trying to imprint him again.

But no, Neku’s aware of the energy tangled around Joshua without having to feel it himself, and he feels like he’s falling, Neku’s limbs scrabbling for purchase. There’s none to be had, though, and Shibuya catches him before whatever’s got Joshua can burn him up.

He can’t fix this – he probably couldn’t fix this even if he _did_ have wings – but he can conduct, and Shibuya can follow. Joshua’s the only one within reach of the real problem, right now, and it’s hard to undo a knot when it’s still wrapped around something, but neither Joshua nor Shibuya _want_ him to be caught, and every little bit helps.

He can’t fix this, but he can still help them find a stray loop, an instrument playing too loud, and even out that little bit of the composition. It’ll be easier once Joshua’s asleep – Shibuya can handle it, then – but for now, Joshua’s wound too tight to even manage that much. Slowly, Joshua’s buzzing evens out to a comfortable hum, and Neku returns to himself.

He’s not unscathed – he feels giddy, and yes, like the world is absolutely wonderful – but Joshua stares at him with a pure joy and it’s all right, really. They’ll both be fine in the morning.

Joshua’s still watching him, and Neku flushes. He feels kind of tingly all over, and it’s not unpleasant, but it’s not _right,_ either, like the numbness before moving an asleep limb. Neku looks at him back, a bit wary, and Joshua crashes into him, all momentum with no weight behind it as he rolls Neku over to look down at him, and whatever’s in Neku’s face must’ve been what he wanted, because he then collapses awkwardly onto Neku.

Neku pats him on the back, marveling a little at his weightlessness, then lowers his hands to grope Joshua’s ass. Or his fuzzy shorts; Joshua doesn’t really _have_ much of an ass, and in response to that, Joshua rolls back over to pull Neku on top of him, deceptively strong. Neku takes one look down at him and grabs a pillow to put it over Joshua’s _face,_ if he’s gonna be like that, and Joshua flails.

Nah, dude, if you wanted to be under Neku, you’re now gonna have to also be his pillow, because Neku’s not moving. He worries momentarily about letting Joshua breathe, but right, he doesn’t need to anyway, and Neku pins his arms down, too, just for the hell of it. Joshua grumbles something, but it’s muffled by the pillow and he’s not putting in the effort to make himself understood anyway, and Neku – … huh.

_Huh._

“Are you all right down there?” Neku checks, an idea half-formed in his head, and Joshua gives him a thumbs up.

“I’m absolutely wonderful,” he replies, or tries to; it’s too muffled by the pillow to be actual words, but hey, telepathy. Joshua still isn’t actually sober, but Neku isn’t really sure he is either, by this point, and this – this wouldn’t be anything dangerous. And Joshua likes power plays, he’d said so, and he could get out from Neku’s crappy attempt at pinning him at any time. Hell, you wouldn’t even need to be Joshua for it; Neku’s just got his arm and shoulder holding him, and his head weighting the pillow down, and Joshua only breathes as a formality anyway.

It should be fine. Joshua’d probably want him to do it, anyway, only Neku’s not gonna tell him what he has in mind, and Neku slips his other hand down his pants, pulling his cock out. It’s halfway hard already, and Neku gently grasps it, tilting his head so he can watch what he’s doing.

Joshua gives him another thumbs-up. “You’re not going to let me watch?” he whines, mock heartbroken, and Neku shoves his weight down on him. No, he isn’t, and Joshua whines further.

“No cheating,” Neku adds, and Joshua stills. Neku … Neku bounces his hips, a bit curious, and Joshua grumbles. He’ll take that as agreement, though there’s probably no way Neku’d know either way. It’s the _idea_ of the thing, though, and they both know it.

He’s too tired to do much, so he simply rubs at his cock and thrusts into his hand, and even if he’s not actually doing anything _to_ Joshua, he keeps straining upwards against the pillow, still letting out a whine of frustration, but he grinds far enough down for the head to brush against Joshua’s bare stomach, and Joshua jumps a little.

He’s reading Neku’s Music, he realises; even if he’s obeying enough to not _watch,_ Neku didn’t tell him not to _listen,_ and it’d hurt him to try, anyway. Of course he doesn’t always care if Neku touches him back; he can feel what Neku feels, if he wants, and Neku slides his arm over to keep the pillow pinned down so Neku can kiss Joshua’s clavicle, and Joshua groans.

“I figured you out, brat,” Neku murmurs, and Joshua shudders. Neku grips his cock harder, his skin clapping softly against his own skin as he touches himself, and Joshua strains a little. Neku senses him there, now, just as subtly right as always, and Neku calls him down. He’s still keeping some distance, and he always will be, but like this Neku can sense his earnest praise.

 _Like that, Neku; you’re perfect; you’re wonderful; you’re beautiful; I love you; stay with me;_ an endless litany that leaves Neku’s ears red and Joshua bashful, but Neku doesn’t back away and that’s enough for right now, Joshua’s refrain tainted with relief. He’s already so afraid to care; Neku doesn’t ever want to make that worse, and Joshua chokes out his name as Neku shudders and comes. He doesn’t have much left today, but what he does lands on Joshua’s chest, and Neku gingerly removes the pillow from Joshua’s head and nuzzles Joshua’s neck without letting his PJs touch it.

“I’ll be really proud of you if you leave that there until you wake up,” Neku says casually, and Joshua stares at him, wide-eyed.

“Neku,” he manages, like _he_ was the one who just got off, and Neku pulls himself off Joshua to lie beside him. “You ….”

“I already knew you read my mind,” Neku says, and his pyjamas are now all sweaty. He just wants to sleep now, though; he can clean up later if he needs to, and it’s not like he actually has to worry about the sheets. “That’s just another aspect of it, isn’t it?”

Joshua nods slightly. “It’s nice,” he says, and: “do I have to keep your weird bodily fluids on?”

Neku snorts and mumbles: “Not if you don’t want to.” Neku’d just wanted a bit of revenge for the cracks about it, but Joshua nods again and leaves it there, perturbed but accepting the challenge, and Joshua flushes when he realises Neku’s watching him.

Everything’s all right, and Neku’s still smiling when he dozes off to sleep.

* * *

Neku wakes up alone.

It’s Joshua’s bed – it couldn’t _not_ be Joshua’s bed; it’s too soft and Neku’s pyjamas are unfamiliar and there’s no other reason he’d be sleeping under the stars, clearer and brighter than Neku’d ever seen them – but Joshua’s not there and Neku panics a little, though he’s not sure why. There’s plenty of perfectly fine reasons for Neku to be alone, and –

Joshua statics in next to him, groggier than Neku’s ever seen him. “It’s too early to be down here,” he grumbles, and Neku stares blearily at the sweat and everything else that’s dried on him, before Joshua glances down and fuzzes out back to his perfectly clean self, too confused to be embarrassed. “Neku, don’t take this the wrong way, but _please_ go back to sleep; down-tuning is _awful_ and I never want to do it again.” And with that, he statics back out, though Neku is pretty sure he’s still nearby.

Neku scrunches his eyes shut, then pulls himself out of bed. More sleep sounds like a great idea, but first … first Neku needs to feel a little less gross. Neku plods off to the bathroom, not bothering to turn on any lights, and rinses and takes care of business, before plodding back to Joshua’s bed.

He could put his newly-clean PJs back on. They’d be comfortable.

He can also just not do that; the sheets are clean, too, and fuck it, pyjamas are too much effort.

“Night, Josh,” Neku says, looking where he thinks Joshua might be, and he settles back in to sleep.

`Sleep well, Neku.`

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bodily fluids kink, masturbation, exhibitionism, and still the altered mental states. :V


	15. Chapter 15

Joshua’s once again not there when Neku wakes up, but that’s okay. He wasn’t there when Neku fell asleep, either, and there’s no longer the vague sense of urgency to keep track of him.

Neku stretches and yawns, uncertain of the time. It’s probably pretty early, though, and slowly the familiar hum of Joshua’s power fades in at the edge of his hearing, even if Joshua himself remains invisible. 

“You going to show yourself?” Neku says, and he’s clobbered by a pillow for his trouble, like it’s _his_ fault it’s the ass-end of dawn. On a Sunday, even, though Neku suspects Joshua doesn’t particularly care about the days of the week.

` Down-tuning is the worst idea I ever had and I never want to do it again,` Joshua moans, and he sounds strangely wobbly. Neku tries to look in the direction the phantom sound comes from, but the closest he gets to seeing him’s a blur out the corner of his eye, and Neku’s head hurts from trying. `I hate your frequency and everything it stands for, Neku. Fuck the Realground.`

Neku chuckles, blinking hard a few times to keep the budding headache from sinking in. “Fuck the Realground, or _fuck_ it?” Neku says, and Joshua hits him with another pillow as Neku laughs at his pain.

` I'd have been perfectly fine at my natural frequency, Neku,` he sulks. `This headache is your useless plane's fault.`

Poor baby. “If you come down, I’ll make it worth your while,” Neku says, and Joshua’s thinking about it.

`No,` he settles on, dumping a bucket of water over Neku, and _wow, asshole!_ ` It's Day Seven and a _Sunday,_ Neku, and I need to send the budget in tonight, and I'm behind and my _wings ache,_ Neku. Your frequency is terrible, Neku, this is completely your fault.`

Like hell it is. Neku picks a direction to point at and yells, “The concert was _your idea,_ asshole!” before looking around for something to towel off with. It is way too damn cold in here to be soaking wet, and thanks again, Joshua, Neku needed that to help wake up in the morning.

Joshua sighs. `See what I mean, Neku? You even _stay wet._ What is this?` and there’s a clapping sound and Neku shuts his eyes instinctively, reopening them to find himself dry, which … is nice, but Joshua _shouldn’t have dunked him in the first place_. ` What is even the point of the Realground, Neku. I hate it.`

Neku rolls his eyes. He’s such a whiny bastard sometimes, and Neku’s not going to deal with this right now. He pulls himself out of bed and storms out.

Then comes back to put some pants on.

 _Then_ storms out.

* * *

Joshua’s on the couch by the time Neku’s clean and dressed again, and Neku’s half-tempted to ignore him and just walk out, but he’s got breakfast on the table and Neku’s starving. Doesn’t mean Neku’s ready to forgive him yet, though.

“I’m sorry I was pissy,” Joshua mumbles around his pancakes. Neku grunts in reply. “I overextended myself last night, trying to do my usual work at your frequency, but it would have been much worse without you to balance me. Thank you for that, by the way.”

Neku nods acknowledgement and starts to eat, not willing to look at Joshua. “Did you know that would happen?” he says levelly, and he knows Joshua doesn’t want to look at him, either.

“I’ve only seen that happen to very young reapers,” Joshua murmurs, shame-faced, “and not nearly as badly as that hit me.” He sighs and sets his plate down, then looks up at Neku, pushing his hair out of his eyes. “Apparently age means little in the face of inexperience, and with my vibe being as strong as it is … that could have gone very badly. I am deeply sorry, Neku.”

“Well,” Neku says, finally looking up, “no one was hurt, so it’ll be okay. I’m not happy with you, though.” Joshua nods faintly, and Neku adds: “ _Don’t_ spring that on me again.”

Joshua rolls his eyes and goes back to attacking his pancakes in frustration. “House arrest yet again, I see.”

“No, look,” he says, and then he pokes Joshua in the arm. “ _Look_ at me, Josh. I’m not mad because you got – overwhelmed. That’s all right. We can work that shit out. What I’m mad about is you didn’t warn me anything could happen _at all_. You need to _tell me things,_ Josh.”

“I’m trying,” he says, and at Neku’s incredulous glare, continues: “Neku, I honestly am trying. Much of this is as new to me as it is to you, and I’ve been the composer for so long that I simply don’t think of what it takes to live and work in the RG. As a human _or_ a reaper, Neku.”

“Then you need to find out,” Neku states, and Joshua flushes. “Do any of the reapers handle – orientation, or whatever? Or do you all just leave the new kids to flounder, and if you’re doing that, _that_ is going to change, Josh.” It was bad enough when Neku was thrown into the Game without having heard the rules, though what’s worse is he remembers learning them _and then he lost his memories right afterward._

Joshua’s shoulders tense. Old wounds; Neku needs to let that go. “Coco explains things to the new recruits,” he admits. “I’ll – I’ll talk to her, I suppose. Not as though I really _needed_ my dignity ….”

“Join the club, Josh,” he says, and Joshua chuckles. “I’m proud of you, by the way,” he adds, remembering what he’d said, and even if it was a joke, it’s still true. “I know you’re – finicky,” and that’s an understatement.

Joshua’s brow furrows, and then he realises what Neku’s talking about and preens. “It’s actually more difficult for me to collect dirt, Neku,” he says lightly. “I’m clean by default, as I should be.” Lucky bastard, Neku thinks.

But at least Neku can go to a concert without becoming higher than a Pork City penthouse. “Was that okay, by the way?”

He quirks a brow. “It was amazing, Neku,” he says honestly, and Neku smiles shyly. “You’ve permission to take me at my word if you find me in that state again, by the by, though be _extremely_ careful with my wings. But your concern was appreciated.”

“No wings while high, even if you say it’s fine,” Neku repeats, and Joshua shrugs. “I just didn’t want to –” and he trails off. Joshua was _really_ not all there.

“You did well, Neku,” Joshua says, and it’s funny how hearing something nice from this guy still makes his ears hot. It’s not even like Joshua’s shy about saying it, either; he just always seems like a hard person to please. “You –” he starts, then changes his mind. “I trust you, Neku,” he says finally, shaking his head. “You could likely do much better than trusting _me,_ but I trust you. Do what you think is right, and I –”

Neku smiles at him softly. “I make mistakes a lot, too, Josh. Just – … we’ve got to do better. Both of us.”

“We do,” Joshua agrees, and Neku relaxes. Never any telling how Joshua takes criticism, though he always does much better with it than Shiki probably thinks …. “Miss Misaki and her girlfriend are very busy, at the moment,” Joshua says carefully, “but I suspect the Bitous would like to see you. If you’re amenable.”

“Course I am,” Neku says, brightening. “Do you – do you know how they feel about things? _Don’t_ actually scan them, but ….” Joshua’s checked Neku’s moods dozens of times, though at the time, Neku’d have been furious to find out. But glancing at someone’s emotions to work out how mad they are at you … that would be really useful, and it’s not really – it might not be fair, but it _is_ trying to minimize harm.

“Rhyme doesn’t know,” he says after a moment, thinking. “She knows you and Shiki are fighting, of course, but Beat hasn’t told her why. She would take it well if you told her, however. Comparably. 

“Daisukenojo blames himself for not convincing you your association with me is unwise. You absolutely should talk to him sooner rather than later.

“Miss Misaki is certain the blame lies entirely with me, though I suspect part of that is to save energy for her own concerns. You – I can’t give you any advice, I’m afraid. The longer you wait, the worse it’ll be, but I think the damage is already done, with her. Does that answer your questions?”

Neku mulls it over. “Yeah, thanks,” he says, and Joshua’s shoulders slump with relief. He really likes seeming useful, doesn’t he …. “Hey, Josh? If you know there’s something I could do to help, you can tell me, you know. You don’t need to – _how_ you know is sort of weird and creepy, but I’d still rather have a heads-up and be able to do something. It doesn’t bother me so much, anymore.”

“They might be less amenable, if you tell them,” Joshua warns, and Neku sucks in a breath. He hadn’t really thought about that, though he should have: just because _Neku_ trusts Joshua doesn’t mean everyone else does. “I can keep you informed if you wish, but you of all people should know my grasp of privacy concerns is – lacking.”

“Yeah,” Neku concedes. Joshua does try, Neku knows that, but it’s still pretty different for people who aren’t used to that, and everyone’s uncomfortable enough with Joshua as it is. “Let me know if something’s dire, then, and I guess I’ll just ask you if there’s something else I could help with sometimes.” Then it’s Neku’s fault if they screw up, but it’s not like Joshua didn’t warn him. 

Joshua nods, decisive, and that ever-present smile’s just the slightest bit brighter. Maybe Neku should ask him for help more often; they’re friends, after all. “I’ll call you, Neku, though it’s your own fault if I take advantage of it,” he says, grin widening as he flips his hair back.

Neku sighs. “You’re going to have me fix your internet, aren’t you,” he says, and Joshua’s eyes light up. Augh, no, that wasn’t a suggestion.

“Excellent idea, my dear conductor!” he says, and Neku groans. “Unfortunately, I _do_ have quite a lot of work to do today, so if you don’t mind …?”

“Yeah, I’ll clear out,” Neku says, gathering his stuff, and Joshua salutes.

“I’ll be overrun with reapers most of the day,” Joshua notes, “but you’re welcome any time, Neku, though I may not be fit company this evening. Best of luck on your exams, and in all things.”

“You too,” he says, and Joshua’s gone. Neku finishes eating and packs up to go, turning back to check for Joshua before stepping out the door. The lounge doesn’t feel empty without Joshua there, though Neku’d half-thought it might; it feels _expectant,_ and Neku remembers again it’s the seventh day. He might have to check if Joshua revives anyone, later, though that might be a question best left unanswered.

Nah. Joshua wouldn’t tell him if he didn’t half-expect Neku to ask, and Neku’d wonder about it otherwise. At least this way he’ll know, even if the answer sucks.

* * *

Beat’s up early, which means he manages to wake up just enough to answer the phone when Neku calls. Neku even manages to get words out of him, even if most of those words have to do with not meeting up for an hour. Fine by him, he figures, and Neku enjoys walking through the same old streets of his childhood.

The streets like having him back, too, and the whole district’s tense from the Game. Day seven, huh. He wonders who’s Game Master this time.

The Players wake up not long after Neku starts paying attention, their presence lending the Shibuya’s song a familiar urgency, and the hair stands up on the back of his neck. He’s been the prey before himself, too many times for him to ever forget, and even if he’s not Playing, it’s still his job. He’s not ever going to be free of it again, not really, anyway. Even if Neku decides to quit, even if Joshua lets him.

He might not be stuck in Joshua’s UG, but the UG overall … it was his entry fee. There’s no changing that. Neku scans the crowds, and – there. Red hoodie standing around the entrance to Center St, shuffling and yawning and looking like they wish they were anywhere else. Neku waves and meanders over, trying not to laugh.

Neku glances around for somewhere to sit without any luck, and the reaper straightens. “Morning,” Neku says.

 _Who, me?_ the reaper thinks, looking around, then turns to Neku. “Hey,” she (?) says, defeated, and Neku shrugs apologetically. “If you want past this wall,” she starts, and Neku shakes his head. “Thought you were a bit early to be a Player. There something you want?”

“Just killing time,” he says. “Do we always run our Games this early?” They seemed later while he was Playing, but it’s been a while ….

“Only on weekends,” she says tiredly. “Pain in the ass, really; I ain’t even got breakfast yet. Hey, you mind nabbing me something?”

Neku sighs. “You going to eat it this time?” he says rhetorically. “Yeah, sure.”

“You know how it is: gotta get some food into them _somehow,_ ” she says, and realises: “wait, the hell are you?”

“Your new conductor,” he says flatly, and she stares at him with disbelief and dawning panic. “I’m not offended or anything; I’m just bored.”

“Never mind about the breakfast,” she says hurriedly anyway. “I don’t – I don’t mind the early mornings, either, even if I ain’t _scheduled_ for weekends. We cool, right?”

Neku holds up a fist, and she carefully bumps it. “The composer’s the one who actually _plans_ this stuff,” he explains. “I’m still learning the ropes,” and the fact bothers him less than it should. “If you and anyone else put together a list of complaints, I’ll bring some of them up with him; he’s not a bad sort, really. Just pissy.”

She stares at him, and Neku shrugs helplessly. A lot of the reapers – they’re running as scared as the players, sometimes, and that’s not right. It doesn’t seem like it’s what Joshua wants for them, either, if Coco and Kariya are any indication; just because they need to do their jobs or get erased doesn’t mean Neku ever wants them to be _scared_ of him, and if Joshua objects to that … then Neku’s going to have a problem with Joshua.

But Neku doesn’t think he will. “We won’t hold any of it against you,” he adds. “I’m – I don’t know how Kitaniji ran things, but I want a Game where the reapers can trust each other, even if you’re all competition. So let me know what bugs you all, and I’ll see what I can do, all right?”

“Right, boss,” she says faintly, and Neku smiles. He does end up picking her up some food – an egg biscuit off Sunshine’s breakfast menu, which she _actually eats,_ a minor miracle in itself – and they make awkward small talk, with Neku checking his phone as she scans around to make sure no Players are coming yet. Neku vaguely wonders if they got lost, or if this GM likes sending them on a different route than the one Neku’s used to, but it’s not worth asking.

He tells her a bit about the friend he’s going to meet up with, too, and even if she doesn’t care much, she perks up when he mentions that Beat’d been a reaper and shows him the pin he’d made. _I Live For Food_ is such a freaking _Beat_ pin name, and a curry rice pin … geez. What a dweeb. Neku kind of loves him.

Neku clears out eventually, and even if he’s pretty sure he was a bit annoying, neither of them had much better to do, anyway. This way he at least gets another reaper who both knows who he is and isn’t terrified of him, and that’s worthwhile in itself.

`I hope youre not expecting much,` Neku texts Joshua as he walks over to Mexican Dog to meet Beat. It’s not like Joshua gave him any good conduct tips for conductors, and Neku has no interest in the serious villain schtick Shades’d done.

`You're doing an excellent job taking up Megumi's mantle, my dear Neku,` Joshua replies, and Neku wonders what world he’s from. `Continue as you have, and you'll do well enough, I'm sure.`

Well, even if Joshua’s full of shit, nothing Neku can do about it, and Beat gets to the place at almost the same time as him. “Hey, Beat!” Neku calls, and Beat looks around baffledly. Neku tries waving him over, but – ah, he taps his foot and drops his frequency slightly. He hadn’t even realised he’d gone up at all.

“Heya, Phones!” Beat says, pulling him into a hug, and Neku claps him on the back, keeping his hands low. “How you been?”

Beat’s no reaper, but it _feels wrong_ that he isn’t, after the night Neku’s had, and he’s more relieved than he’d expected as he delves into his past few weeks. Beat knows a lot of it already, but it still helps to rehash his time at school as they pick up some colas and chili dogs and find somewhere to sit. Beat tells Neku a bit about how he’s been doing, too, but there’s still that _distance,_ and eventually Neku has to ask …

“Beat? I know I kind of dropped a lot of stuff onto you last time,” he says, and Beat winces. “Are you – are we okay?”

“You kinda did, bro,” Beat admits, and Neku stirs his soda unhappily. “Your reaper friend seemed okay, but dude, that is that is some _nasty_ shit you’re getting yourself into. You sure about this?”

“Josh isn’t a bad guy,” Neku says, and even if he’s less than sure about the rest of it, this he knows. “And nobody’s – I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to. The composer’s been pretty clear on that point.”

Beat rubs at his head, careful not to get any chili on him, and Neku kind of wants to pat him on the shoulder. Probably wouldn’t be appreciated right now, though. “Neku, you know even if _you_ don’t want to do something, somebody else is going to, right? It ain’t like – people die, Neku, and even if you ain’t planning on being the one to kill them, that is some _heavy stuff_ to be involved in.”

He’s already involved. Even if he broke with Joshua right now, went and moved to somewhere nobody gives a single fuck about the Shibuya composer, he’d still know about the UG, still see the occasional Player, still know when somebody’s chomped by Noise. And he could ignore it, but then he’d know he’s ignoring it.

He’s not going to tell Beat that right now, though. It’d give the wrong impression, and Neku honest-to-god _likes_ Joshua, likes all these bitter little bastards who see some of the worst humanity has to offer and keep going, shoveling some of the shit out in their own little ways. And maybe they’re all selfish vindictive jerks at times, but Neku’s got more than a bit of that himself, and there’s a kindness there, too.

They aren’t evil. They aren’t even leaving the world a worse place than they found it; they’re fixing shit in ways an angry bitter teen can understand, and just because they know how to get people like the old Neku to do what they need doesn’t mean they’re all assholes. They’ve been there; they know how hurt kids think, sometimes.

“They’re already dead,” he says instead, quietly, “and the reapers fix what they can. A bunch of them are jerks about it, yeah, but the composer – he’s just trying to pick the best of a lot of bad options. It’s nasty, and sometimes he fucks up. He _did_ fuck up; he fucked up real bad with the Game we were in, but he’s not ever going to do that shit again.”

Beat doesn’t even say anything to that, just furrows his brow, and that says enough right there. _How do you know that,_ what makes Neku so sure? What makes Neku think he’s not just using him again, making Neku believe what he wants so he can get what he wants from Neku? He’s done it before.

“I trust him,” Neku adds, “and I’m – I’m not going to leave him alone, okay? He’s been doing a lot to fix himself, and he’s been alone for a long time, and – he likes me. I like him, and I can … I could help him, and it wouldn’t destroy me. He doesn’t want it to, anyway.”

Beat looks at Neku’s face and sighs. “Neku, I trust you and all, and I really fucking hope this works out for you, but I can’t be involved in this shit.”

“I’m not asking you to,” Neku starts, but Beat shakes his head.

“If I’m worrying about you, bro, then I’m involved. I can’t not be, and I can’t – I can’t deal with that, Neku,” he states. “That was – that was the worst week of my life, you know? And here you are getting in with this shit when you got _options,_ man, you got your whole life ahead of you; let it go. It’s not your problem; don’t let it be.”

Neku groans and buries his face in his chili dog, not sure what to say. Josh isn’t trying to take away his options; Neku’s still in school, for fuck’s sake. He’s not dead, and even if he were, plenty of reapers manage to get on with their lives. Figuratively.

“You got finals this week, bro,” Beat adds, and Neku winces. “I _know_ you, dude; you wouldn’t be here and up this early if you didn’t stay over at Josh’s last night, and you got better things to do right now than worry about dead people.”

“I wasn’t worrying,” he lies.

Beat leans back. “So you _did_ stay over with him again,” he concludes, and shit, caught. “I get enough of this from Rhyme when she’s up too late playing games instead of studying; I don’t want to be worrying about you, too, Neku, and you’re in a _lot_ deeper shit than she is. Look, bro: I care about you whatever you pick, but if you’re gonna keep being involved with this, I don’t – I don’t think we can be dating, man. Sorry.”

Neku stares at him, then bursts into tears. It’s not dignified, and Neku’d like to be dignified, but this is his first break-up, okay, let him – let him be undignified. “I’m sorry,” he manages, “I just – I thought it could work.”

Beat looks at him, then gingerly pulls him into a hug. “I ain’t mad at you,” he mumbles. “Neku, don’t ever think that I’m mad at you or I don’t love you or anything like that. I just – I spent a lot of the past week freaking out about that, you know? And I just – can’t. And it don’t mean I don’t love you, ‘cause I _do,_ bro, you’re my best friend, but – this is –”

“It’s too much,” Neku finishes, and Beat nods jerkily, and Neku’s getting Beat’s shirt all gross. This is _so_ not dignified, but Beat just holds him there and lets him cry, and even if Neku knows he’ll be mad later, it’s – it’s nice.

It’s what friends do, and Beat’s his friend, and Neku hurt him enough for him to have to do _this,_ and – everything sucks right now. This sucks; this sucks _so bad,_ and Neku’s kind of glad Beat waited until they met in person to break up with him. It’d be so much worse if he’d done it while Neku was on campus; even if he likes the people’s he’s met, he doesn’t know any of them well enough to cry on them, and crying alone would just – suck.

This already sucks.

Neku’s glad he ate already, because he isn’t really hungry anymore.

He pulls away and wipes his face off, and Beat gets him some water so he can clean up. “So, uh, I guess I’ll see you around?” Neku says, for lack of anything better, and Beat nods jerkily.

“Yeah,” he says, “yeah, I guess, Neku. Good luck this week.”

Fucking hell.

* * *

Neku picks up the phone and dials. “Josh?” he says without preamble. “Beat just broke up with me and I don’t really want to walk –” and he closes his eyes and he’s back on Joshua’s bed. Josh isn’t there, though, and – right, Game day.

`Most of the reapers are in the lounge by now, Neku,` Joshua says, and Neku really fucking wants to kick them all out so they can cuddle out there. It’s selfish. `It'll be a while before I can attend to you, but … here.` The blankets wrap themselves around him, and a table appears next to him. Hot cocoa, it seems like, and even if Joshua is busy right now … he cares. Neku knows he does.

“Good luck, Josh,” Neku mutters, and buries himself in the blankets and cries. Joshua keeps imprinting him with love and support, but Neku wants _Beat_ right now, and for Shiki to not be mad at him, and – Neku wants a lot of things. It’d be so easy to blame Joshua for Neku not having them, too.

That just makes it worse, because Beat and Shiki _would_ forgive him if Neku told Josh to fuck off, and Neku is not! going to! do that! It’s not his fault he sees Joshua as a person instead of a title, and it isn’t _bad,_ either! – Joshua’s imprinting redoubles, and a bit of faith would be nice, Josh. Neku’s not mad Josh thinks Neku’d pick them over him, but it still stings.

` I have little enough to offer you,` Joshua warns, and Neku’d shove him down onto the bed if he was here. Joshua might not have much to give, but Neku _wants it,_ wants the snarky little bastard for all he’s worth. Joshua barks out a startled laugh, and Neku wants to _push him down and kiss him_ and not let him up until at least one of them’s too tired to move. ` A nice thought, but I am **working,** Neku,` Joshua replies, and does Neku sound like he cares?

– he does care, but it’s the volatile type of caring where he wants to fight or cry or fuck until he doesn’t have the energy for anything else, and he has **nothing else to do right now!** Joshua lets out a strangled sound as Neku sobs furiously into a pillow, and it’s got to be hell on him, knowing Neku’s upset when he can’t do anything about it, but it’s kind of hell being _Neku_ right now and at least they know Joshua wants to help. They both know that, and maybe it doesn’t fix it, but it – helps, a little.

Neku is more than a bit tempted to try touching himself angrily until Joshua gives up and joins him, but Joshua’s job is important and that’d be as bad in its own way as trying to force him to quit. And how selfish is Neku, to put himself over whoever’s still Playing, like Neku’s _feelings_ matter more than people’s **lives?** How fucking selfish is that?

No wonder Beat broke up with him, if that’s the kind of person Neku is. No fucking wonder –

`Neku,` Joshua says patiently, `you're upset. You're allowed to think uncharitable things when you're upset; heaven knows I do. It's okay.`

“It’s fucking different when the person you’re thinking ‘uncharitably’ towards can _read your fucking mind,_ ” Neku snaps, and Joshua recoils.

But he doesn’t leave, though. Not more than he was already. `I would be a poor composer indeed if I did not understand the difference between thought and action, Neku,` he says. `You may be as angry with me as you'd like.`

Glad he’s got your permission, asshole! And Joshua just sighs and sends him more assurance. Joshua loves Neku, and he won’t hold it against him if Neku blames him for what happened. It’s Neku’s right, Joshua thinks, and Neku can’t help but think Joshua’s too good for him.

Why would anyone want to date Neku when this is what happens when they _stop_? He throws another fucking tantrum like a five year old.

` And yet you confine your raging to yourself and to those who will not be damaged by it, Neku.`

“Stop being so fucking calm about it!” Neku yells, and Joshua – the faint hint of Joshua’s presence vanishes.

Now he really _is_ alone, like he deserves, and he punches the pillow and cries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaaaaaaangst. Sorry about the lack of update last Monday; I was sick and not up to looking over aaaaaaaangst. Aaaaaangst!


	16. Chapter 16

Joshua shows up again eventually, tired and exhausted, and even so he lights up when he sees Neku. Neku smiles back, even if it's just for show: Joshua doesn't need to feel like Neku's mad at him, not right now, and even if it's no secret, he hopes the effort's appreciated.

Neku’s still upset, of course. Not even a bath and shower fixes that, especially not with only Joshua’s crappy computer for company, but seeing Joshua so relieved to see him – that helps a little. Still sucks, though.

“I love you,” Joshua says, and Neku can believe it. It doesn’t fix anything, but Neku believes it, and when Neku pats the area next to him, Joshua carefully sits down and pulls him into a hug. “I love you, Neku, and the last thing any of us want is for you to be hurt.”

“Bit late for that,” Neku snaps, and Joshua winces. Fuck. “I’m sorry,” he says wretchedly, “I just –”

“You’re upset,” Joshua finishes. “There’s no shame in that, and I – you have more than enough right, to be angry with me. I won’t hold that against you.”

Neku sighs and rubs at his head. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Josh,” he says. “Just because there are plenty of things I _can_ be angry at you for, doesn’t mean it’s okay when I take things out on you that really aren’t your fault.” Joshua shrugs, not arguing, and it really just makes Neku feel a bit worse. “How did –?”

Joshua shrugs. “Minamimoto survived his run as GM, and one former Player is now back in the land of the living. It was a Game, in other words.”

 _One,_ he said, and that means … he erased half a partnership. “Fuck,” Neku says, and Joshua inclines his head. “What do you do when –” and he trails off.

“When I split partners like that?” he finishes, and that’s one way to put it. “Leave them thinking the Game was a dream. That partnership had _not_ been mutually beneficial, Neku.”

He doesn’t doubt it, but it’s still awful, and Neku flops down onto the bed with a groan. “The world is terrible,” Neku says. “I don’t want to have to think about it for a while.”

A hum of acknowledgement, and Neku closes his eyes instinctively as a large weight settles onto his stomach. `As you wish,` Joshua says, his head almost too big to fit on Neku's torso, and Neku reaches to scritch behind his ears as he licks at Neku's face. Varying his size is just one of his composer tricks, he supposes, but ….

“Hey, Josh,” he muses. “You can take memories, right? I just need to get through finals, but –”

`No,` Joshua growls, folding his ears back. `Too many variables, Neku; I don't touch memories that aren't directly involved with my UG, and for good reason.`

"It'd only be for a few days," he counters, but Joshua barks and puts a paw on Neku's face, the pad covering his mouth.

`And if you text your friends as if nothing had happened?` he says, and Neku freezes. `Neku, I may have a great deal of power, but actions have consequences. Do not ask me this again.`

Neku stares at him and wilts, and Joshua’s hackles slowly go down as he relaxes to his ever-present grin and licks Neku’s hand in apology. “It was just a thought,” Neku murmurs, and Joshua’s watching him, so serious. “I just – was hoping there was something you could do ….”

`Nothing I haven't tried already,` he says briskly, returning to human form with his head on Neku’s chest. Joshua doesn’t appear to be wearing a shirt, but that’s okay. “I can give you my company and imprints of my thoughts; that’s all, I’m afraid.”

“No magic solutions, huh,” Neku concludes, and Joshua shakes his head. Neku runs his hand along Joshua’s neck, letting his fingers linger along the carotid, and Joshua shivers. No pulse, of course, but then, there wouldn’t be ….

Joshua’s full attention’s on him, expectant, and Neku’s throat runs dry. He’s angry and sad and upset and he wants _some_ kind of distraction, but Joshua’s regard is heavier than he remembers, and Joshua relaxes bonelessly onto him. Neku could use him; Neku could use him for anything he wants, and it’s terrifying. This cold bastard at Neku’s beck and call, and Joshua’s already erased one person today.

Neku isn’t ever going to use Joshua like that. “I trust you,” he murmurs, pushing some of Joshua’s hair back behind his ears, and Joshua shudders. “I had a bad day, but it’s still not your fault, and you – you were busy, too, weren’t you? But would you want to ….”

“I’m tired,” Joshua admits. “I won’t say no, but I’ve little interest in leaving here today.”

Neku nods slowly, thinking it over as he massages the back of Joshua’s head and Joshua groans pleasantly. He should probably head back and do some last-minute studying for art history, but he doesn’t really want to. Fuck school; he’s in no mood to have to think about anything, and there’s one way to burn off some energy …. Neku lowers his hand again to the back of Joshua’s neck and watches him swallow.

“Nothing kinky today,” Joshua adds, and Neku’s not sure if Joshua wants to pull away or push into it. Neku makes the decision for him by scritching his neck and slowly moving to rub at the top of his shoulders, and Joshua closes his eyes, hardly moving even as Neku slides him down so Neku can sit up. Neku kind of wants to pull him up and kiss him, but seeing Joshua with that mix of pleasure and trepidation … Neku likes it, and Joshua’s smiling faintly even as his brow furrows.

Nothing kinky today, he’d said, and Neku doesn’t really want to indulge that particular fetish of Joshua’s ever again, but … hinting. Hinting at it is nice, and they both know it _could_ be real. “I could get you off just with this, couldn’t I,” Neku muses, and Joshua inclines his head.

“I’m rather easy,” he admits, “but I doubt you would have much fun that way.” Point taken, but it doesn’t stop Neku from petting his neck and Joshua doesn’t move away, just keeps pushing back into Neku’s touch and squirming a little. Neku might want _himself_ to be left exhausted and spent, but it’s – interesting, working Joshua up without ever really planning on doing anything with it, and Joshua definitely doesn’t seem to mind. Neku half-expects Joshua to go for his own pants, but he doesn’t, just keeps his head in Neku’s lap as Neku massages his neck, and Joshua can’t quite keep still.

Neku pulls his hands back experimentally, and Joshua whimpers, his eyes opening to give him the puppy face. Neku chuckles and resumes petting him. “I really hope this isn’t what you get when you’re a dog,” Neku mutters, and Joshua closes his eyes again.

“Your – intent is different,” he says, voice rough, “so of course the outcome is, too.” That makes sense, Neku supposes, so he works back down to the bump of Joshua’s spine, a bit above where his wings would attach, and Joshua pushes into his lap with a whine. That seems promising, so Neku presses a bit harder and – Joshua vanishes, then reappears draping himself behind Neku, his head on Neku’s.

“Too much?” Neku guesses, and Joshua vibrates with his responding hum as he puts his arms over Neku’s shoulders.

He’s strangely comforting, and Neku feels Joshua wrapping his power around Neku’s without quite touching, leaving a spot for him to escape, if he wants to. He doesn’t. “You did just fine,” Joshua murmurs into his ear. “Just fine,” he repeats as he nuzzles him, and Neku relaxes even as Joshua carefully pulls Neku’s shirt off without moving either of them, just phasing it through.

Neku half-expects him to start sucking on his neck, but he doesn’t. Maybe Joshua’s finally caught on that it’s way more his thing than Neku’s, though that’s unlikely, and Joshua laughs. He even remembers to exhale with the sound, his breath rustling Neku’s hair, and he shifts, pulling Neku onto his lap. Neku leans back into the contact, and even if Joshua’s unnaturally still, Neku can hear/feel him vibrating with Shibuya’s power, familiar in its rhythms. It’s comfortable, and Neku grinds his ass down on Joshua almost to see what happens.

He slips away, that’s what, and Joshua chuckles as he gently sets Neku back on the bed, fading down and away. Neku glances behind him, a little concerned, but Joshua simply takes the moment of confusion to reappear in Neku’s lap like he’d never left. “I love you,” he says, gazing up at Neku for his acknowledgement, and Neku nods. Yes, he does, and Neku’s fine with it.

Joshua goes slightly pink, and pinker still as Neku strokes his face, but he’s happy and Neku feels peaceful, Joshua eager to spread his mood. Neku almost doesn’t hear his buttons click undone, and he glances down to see Joshua sliding his cock out, slowly enough to be sure of Neku’s approval. Neku lets out a chuckle of his own, and he buries his fingers in Joshua’s hair as Joshua fidgets upward to get at his cock, too lazy to use anything other than psi.

There’s something to be said for the clumsiness of fingers, but this is nice, too, the cool air making Neku shiver as Joshua rearranges them both for ease of access. “I should get you off first all the time,” Neku says casually, “if it leaves you this accommodating.”

“Mm, I’m rather selfish,” Joshua muses, glancing up at him. “I might just kick you out after I’ve got mine,” and he gives Neku’s length a firm lick. Neku tugs on his hair to keep from recoiling – ugh, cold! – but Joshua yelps and it’s not the good kind of pain. “Be _gentle!_ ” he squawks, and even though he doesn’t need his mouth to talk, he lightly presses his teeth against Neku’s shaft and Neku nearly jumps.

It’s not painful, but _fuck_ does Neku not want anything to even _resemble_ biting down there. “I’m _sorry!_ ” he wails. “Just _stop being cold!_ ”

Joshua turns his head to glare up at Neku, which, what? Neku knows he can be warmer. “I don’t want to,” he says primly. “You know who I am; either accept it, or leave.”

Fuck that, he starts to think, _Beat’s_ never – and he cuts himself off. Joshua doesn’t deserve that, and even knowing Neku didn’t say it doesn’t make it all right, and oh _fuck,_ he’s not _dating_ Beat anymore, and – Neku kind of wants to cry, actually, and Joshua’s looking up at him, stricken.

“I hadn’t intended to –” Joshua starts, but Neku cuts him off.

“No, no, I was out of line; I’m sorry; I know you don’t like – pretending –”

They stare at each other for a moment, both trying to apologise, but then Joshua gently nudges Neku’s cock with his nose and Neku smiles. He likes Joshua, really, even with his idiosyncrasies, and Neku knows it bothers him to act like other than he is. He’ll get used to it eventually; Neku knows he can’t expect the composer to be **normal** and they both want a middle ground.

He moves his hand back to pet Joshua just as Joshua turns back to ease back Neku’s foreskin, and Neku groans. It’s still strange and not-quite-right, but it’s _Joshua_. Of course it’s a bit disturbing. Joshua goes boneless at that, his attention where Neku’s touching him even as he tries to work him over. 

He’s still unnaturally cool, but it’s not uncomfortable, Joshua picking up some of his body heat, and it’s nice. Lazier than Neku’d really hoped for, but nice.

`I'm not one for working up a sweat,` Joshua says sleepily, and Neku makes a face. He might be lazy, but he’s got to put some effort into it _sometime_ and – Neku jerks up for a moment, spotting a flash of white above Joshua, but Joshua pays it no mind as he nudges Neku back to grasp his dick in his hands and mouth at his balls.

Neku jumps, but he has the presence of mind to let go of his hair, this time, and Joshua sends him a flash of gratitude. It’s all over from there, Joshua pressing his face against Neku’s perineum as he levitates Neku’s ass off the bed, and Neku reaches down to guide Joshua into doing what he normally does for himself. Joshua’s fingers are delicate and bony under Neku’s own, and it’s not long before Neku has to hurriedly jerk them up to keep from making a mess.

He forgot who he was dealing with here, though, and he basks in the pleasure before cracking his eyes back open. Joshua’s tapping his wrist impatiently, and Neku follows his gaze to where his come’s hanging in the air. “I believe that’s yours,” Joshua says with evident distaste, and Neku’s not sure if he wants to laugh or scream.

They both take too much effort. “Gee, thanks,” he mutters, but Joshua’s still staring at him. “You can get rid of it, if you want.”

Joshua snorts, and it vanishes. “Seeing as you saw fit to critique _my_ body, I thought you might enjoy the results of yours,” he drawls, and Neku glowers at him. Is this really the time for that?

Yes, apparently. “You don’t diss my bodily fluids,” he says, “and I won’t diss your body temp, how about that.”

Joshua nods sharply, letting his head fall back down, and it’s not long before Neku’s playing with his hair again, enjoying Joshua’s reassuring rumbling. He’d wanted a workout more than a lazy blowjob, but Neku suspects it won’t be long until he’s up for another round. It’s funny: any other time and he’s done after one orgasm, but stick him with Joshua and he’ll be up for more until he’s satisfied. Wonder if that’s the bastard cheating again.

Joshua hums questioningly, but Neku swats at his face: he doesn’t really want an answer to that. If being with the composer means he can fuck until he’s bored, so be it. Plenty of weirder things he could point out.

“It’s creative energy,” Joshua murmurs. “Not sex itself, though that too can be, I suppose, but – wanting to share your body with someone. The more trust, the better. Cuddling is good, too ….”

Cuddling _is_ good, but Neku still wants a good hard fuck, which that wasn’t. It was nice, but Neku pulls himself up and stretches as Joshua eyes him with sleepy interest.

“What are you thinking?” Joshua says, sprawling over the bed, and Neku raises an eyebrow. “I’m clairvoyant, not omniscient,” he adds. “Just because I can read your mind doesn’t mean it makes sense to me.”

“Scanning really doesn’t solve everything, does it,” Neku says, and Joshua nods vaguely. Wouldn’t be much point in hanging out with him, if it did. “That was nice, but I want to be left _exhausted,_ Josh, not just pleasantly buzzed, and not like you did with the toys.”

“Toys are nice,” Joshua says seriously, and they are, but …. “I like my space, Neku; anal doesn’t really go along with that.”

Neku could’ve sworn he’d suggested it before, and Joshua shrugs. … Neku’d also _declined,_ though, so maybe it was just – breaking the ice, or whatever Joshua had thought he was doing, not a serious suggestion. That would be like him.

Neku sighs. “Toys are fine, I _guess,_ ” he concedes, “but I want to actually get you off this time, all right? None of that aloof unaffected bastard routine.”

“That sounds nice,” Joshua says, making no move to actually get his stuff.

Neku frowns. “I’m not – pressuring you, am I?” he checks, and Joshua blinks slowly.

“No, it’s fine,” he says, smiling faintly. “I’m simply tired, Neku: I hope you’re intending to do most of the work.”

Neku watches him, a bit worried, but Joshua just smirks and mentally nudges him. Neku’s not sure whether he or Joshua moves him on top of Joshua, but it doesn’t matter as Neku gazes down at him and lightly kisses his forehead. Neku shifts and Joshua vanishes his own pants, then slides his hands down Neku’s waistband and caresses his ass.

Joshua’s still sleepy and not all there, but he seems fine. It’s probably just a consequence of ending a Game, and the thought’s less distressing than it should be. One person has their life back again: that’s the important part, and Joshua brightens a bit that Neku doesn’t move away.

It’s terrible, but every option is terrible by the time they get to Joshua. It doesn’t mean Joshua’s a terrible person for picking one, and Neku … Neku trusts him. Maybe he shouldn’t, maybe it’ll go wrong, but it’s his decision to make and Neku kisses Joshua gently on the lips and Joshua melts underneath him.

(Not literally.)

(He probably could, though. If, you know, if they were into that, and Neku has the uncomfortable suspicion that Joshua doesn’t think that’s a bad idea, either.)

“I’m glad you’re here,” Joshua murmurs into Neku’s mouth, and Neku presses his forehead against his. Neku is, too, and not just because there are so many things he doesn’t want to think about. They don’t matter right now; it’s just him and Joshua.

(They always matter to Joshua, though, and that’s just one of the things about him. He wouldn’t _be_ Joshua if he could let everything else go for a while, and that’s just the way he is. It isn’t bad, either, even if Neku couldn’t live that way. It’s okay.)

Neku grinds down on Joshua and Joshua groans, pleased, as he ineptly tries to push down Neku’s pants in the process of firmly groping his ass. Neku cants up to give him space, and Joshua levitates Neku’s legs the rest of the way to remove them, weirdly proud. Neku sticks his finger on Joshua’s nose, and Joshua goes cross-eyed, baffled, until Neku leans in to kiss him again.

What a dork, Neku thinks, and he cheerfully wants to claim all of Joshua for himself, starting with his mouth, and Joshua yields to him in happy confusion. Not all of Joshua has caught up to the program, but that’s all right, as Neku reaches down to cup his balls and Joshua hesitantly redirects him to his asshole. All right, then, but Neku hasn’t clipped his nails recently and Joshua _still_ hasn’t procured any lube, so Neku just massages the outer area as Joshua squirms under him.

“I got my stuff,” Joshua says hurriedly, letting go of Neku’s thigh to gesture to a bag next to them both, and Neku groans in dismay.

 _Go back to what you were doing,_ he wants to say, but what comes out is: “Thanks.” Neku grudgingly looks through the bag, leaving against Joshua to grind against him in his own disappointment, and pulls out two similar-looking dildos. “You got any preference?”

Joshua nudges him to show off their flared bases. “That one, you program to thrust, and that one to vibrate,” he says, pointing at the markings, before taking the vibrating one for himself. “I don’t know your own tastes, mind ….”

“They’re yours anyway,” Neku notes, but a thrusting dildo sounds nice, especially if Joshua can control it. “How do you program them?”

He holds it up and whistles a tune, then presses on the sigil on the base, and Neku watches in fascination as it vibrates out the melody. “Higher pitch makes it stronger. Simple, really. Any reaper can use them.”

Lucky bastards. Neku hands Joshua the one he’d picked for himself, too, and he examines them before whistling them clean. “They’re pure silicone,” Joshua adds, “so you can boil them clean, especially since they don’t have any actual vibrating parts. This is easier, mind.”

Neku rolls his eyes. “Thanks, teach.”

“The composer who makes these doesn’t have a wide selection, Neku,” Joshua chides. “It’s useful information.”

Neku’s still kind of astounded there’s a composer who freaking makes sex toys, but then again, there’s clearly a market. Especially since composers don’t generally get out much, and Neku stares at Joshua in horrified amazement. Does he have these because – and Joshua looks as nonchalant as anyone completely nude possibly could, and Neku’s trying hard not to laugh. It’d get him kicked out of bed, but it’d probably be worth it.

Joshua’s eyebrow twitches. “Thank you for reminding me of my years of sexual frustration, Neku,” he says, grimacing, and Neku’s in for it. “That was absolutely lovely of you, and if you don’t get a move on, I’ll let you know exactly how it felt, too.”

Neku tries to keep a straight face as he gropes Joshua’s dick in apology, but then Joshua quickly wipes some cold lube down Neku’s ass crack and that’s _still annoying, Joshua!_ and now Joshua’s laughing at _him_. Neku glowers at him as only an offended monkey can, but Joshua’s just as innocent as can be as he tilts up to suck on the corner of Neku’s jaw.

Oh, _hell_ no. He’s not going to get away with it that easily. Neku resettles himself over Joshua, lifting his hips enough for Joshua to set the dildo between their legs so that the lube-wet head brushes Neku’s asshole, and Neku glares down at him as Joshua expertly inserts his own dildo up his ass, moaning as he takes the length slowly but surely in one solid thrust. That’s _Neku’s_ job, to put that look on his face, and Neku’s half-tempted to pull it out and do it properly, but then he realises that Joshua hasn’t actually turned it on yet.

Maybe he’s leaving that for Neku to do, and Neku smirks at him and presses Joshua’s cock down to his chest. Joshua’s beautiful like that, worriedly expectant with his arousal, and Neku kind of wants to keep him like that forever. “You’re mine,” Neku says firmly, “even if – even if. You’re _my_ jerkwad, Joshua, and I don’t _care_ if people who barely know you think it’s a bad idea. I’m not ditching you, okay?”

“Now how can I argue with that,” Joshua replies, dazed, and Neku yelps as the dildo rams into his ass. He moves with it at first, slamming down onto Joshua, but then he works up the nerve to push back onto it and let the head slide into his asshole. It’s strange, and definitely doesn’t feel like a real cock, but it’s not bad, and he has to remind himself to breathe as it works its way in, leaving him feeling comfortably full, and Joshua’s holding him and watching his face.

Neku smiles at him – he’s fine – and Joshua beams, pulling him close. It’s funny how he’s so touchy and yet tries to be aloof, but Neku supposes there _is_ something very trapped about being tangled up in someone when one person’s actually in the other. Neku grinds down on him, wiggling his buttocks, and Joshua pulls him close, just in time for the dildo to pull most of the way out and slam back into him, hard enough Neku nearly could come from that by itself. But he doesn’t, and Joshua keeps the next few slow and gentle, and Neku isn’t sure how to predict it, when to press back into it and when to thrust down onto Joshua.

It’s a little bit like a threesome might be, he suspects, and Joshua doesn’t stop him when Neku reaches down to grip them both, his hand and their cocks already slick with lube though Neku’s not sure when Joshua managed that. Joshua guides him into another kiss, and Neku belatedly remembers to turn on Joshua’s vibrator, not bothering to give it a real pattern, and Joshua arches up. From there, it’s a race to the finish, Joshua having him pounded hard as Neku keeps shutting off his vibrator whenever his moans reach a certain volume, and Joshua’s keening as Neku breathes hard, mostly silent.

Joshua fucks him through his orgasm, and Neku clings to him, both spent, and this – this is what Neku wanted, had been hoping for. Neku pulls him into a hug, unwilling to really move, and grips his back. His hands brush against something soft and fluffy, and Neku just about realises they’re his wings when he grasps them tightly and –

 _fear pain confusion **SCREAM**_ –

everything blacks out.

* * *

When Neku comes to, they’re both fully dressed, and it takes Neku’s eyes a minute to adjust. They’re in the lounge, and Joshua’s worried, looks like he has been for a while.

“Neku,” he says, and more surely, “Neku. Do you hear me?”

“Y-yeah?” Neku manages. Everything hurts. More than that, everything _feels like_ it should hurt, but it’s – distant, unimportant. Like it happened to somebody else, and the bottom falls out of Neku’s stomach. “What happened?” he says, but he has an uncomfortable suspicion he knows the answer.

“You grabbed my wings,” he replies, feigning calm and not doing a particularly good job at it, “and I – panicked. Neku, I –”

“You panicked?” Neku echoes, and _please_ may he be wrong – “Am I dead?”

Joshua freezes, and _fuck_. “Not on purpose,” he blurts out. “Neku, I swear to you, I didn’t mean it – I didn’t realise – Neku, I am _so sorry,_ and if there is anything I can do to make it up for you –”

He’s dead. Neku is fucking dead. Neku is fucking _dead_. “Revive me,” he growls, and when Joshua opens his mouth, he says it again: **“Revive me!”**

“I’m sorry!” Joshua squeaks. “Neku, I am _so sorry,_ I promise I didn’t mean it; I didn’t realise it was _you_ ; I should have but it’s been a long day and I wasn’t expecting it and –”

He’s not listening to a word Neku’s saying, is he. “Joshua?” Neku says, and Joshua stops to look at him. “Joshua.”

“Neku,” Joshua says, voice small, and he buries his head in his hands. Neku thinks he might be crying, or what passes for crying when you hate bodily fluids as much as Joshua does. He’s shaking, and Neku … Neku goes and pats him on the shoulder.

Neku just fucking _died_ and his killer is more upset than Neku is. Something has gone wrong in his life. “Joshua?” Neku says again, and Joshua looks up at him, warily. “I believe you,” he says carefully.

“You do?” he says, and he’s so relieved he buries his face in Neku’s shirt. Neku runs his hands through Joshua’s hair, and he’s _so glad_ right now that Joshua’s easily grossed out because otherwise Neku’d need a new shirt. “Neku, I –” he starts, then pulls himself up a little, though Neku doesn’t let go. His face isn’t red at all, though his eyes are wide, and he looks up at Neku like he’s not sure if the light at the end of the tunnel is the oncoming train. “Neku, you – why did you grab my wings?” he says eventually, evenly, and Neku shrugs.

“They were there,” he says honestly, and said like that, it sounds like a **really** bad idea. Joshua keeps staring at him, then buries his head in Neku’s chest again. “I’m sorry,” he adds, though it feels like it’s Joshua’s fault, all told.

“I could have erased you,” he mutters. “After everything, I _still_ could have erased you, because – Neku. You never grab someone’s wings without permission.”

Yeah, he’s got that.

“I have told you that,” Joshua says slowly, patiently. “I have told you that _multiple times,_ I believe, and – Neku. You never grab someone’s wings without permission.”

Neku winces. “I thought it’d be fine,” he says, and Joshua stares at him levelly. Well, yeah, he knows _now,_ but – “You’ve let me at them before.”

Joshua buries his head in his hands again, though it’s probably for a different reason. “You _know_ that’s my soul,” he mutters, “and you _know_ they’re delicate. Please tell me you at least remembered I told you –”

Not to touch them when he’s high, yeah, Neku remembers, but he _wasn’t_ high, now was he?

“Any time you don’t have my full and complete consent, Neku,” Joshua says flatly. “You just – you just don’t, Neku. I’ll – I’ll gladly let you do what you will, but you do need to ask. Every time.”

Yeah, Neku’s – Neku gets that, now. “I’m sorry,” he says, and he means it, even as Joshua’s looking at the floor in his own apology. “Can you revive me now?”

Joshua jerks back up and starts swearing profusely, flopping onto a sofa to scream into a cushion. **_“The budget,”_** he moans, and oh, shit. “Neku, now is _not_ a good time; I can fit you in as a reaper, but another resurrection – can you last until next week?” he says desperately.

“I have finals,” Neku says, and oh, fuck, he has _finals._ He has finals and Beat broke up with him and he is **dead.** He is actually literally dead. Fuck his life.

“You have finals,” Joshua echoes. “Okay. Right. I can rush through the paperwork for a temporary transfer, with complete access through Tokyo, right after I finagle the budget to put you on the payroll, and you can get on with your life until I can afford to revive you. Is that okay?”

“No,” Neku says, because really, nothing is okay right now. Everything is awful and Neku is dead. Neku is dead from _sex._ (Well, cuddling after sex. Close enough.) Neku is fucking dead … from **fucking.** What the hell is his life? “I guess. Are there any other options?”

A long drawn-out sigh, as Joshua lists off on his fingers: “Unless I erase most of my reapers to raise you right now, your options are ascension or erasure, so **no,** Neku, there aren’t, not if you want to continue your schooling.”

Who said he wants to? (No, he does; he just doesn’t want to have to do anything.) “What’s ascension?” he says instead, and Joshua’s wings slide out, feathers puffed up in distress.

“I suspect you’d be approved for angel-hood the moment I asked,” he says, flapping demonstratively, “but seeing as training takes a decade minimum, I can’t see you taking it at this point in your life. Or death, as it were.”

Too soon, Josh, too soon. Neku takes a deep breath and exhales slowly, letting that sink in. They’ve really fucked this up. “Reaper it is, then,” he concedes, and may his friends forgive him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blowjobs, anal play, sex toys, and a terrible cliffhanger.
> 
> I'm considering updating again on Wednesday to apologise, but I don't know how many of you read during the week! Clearly you should all say hello. Or not, and wait until Friday. It's not that big of a deal either way, I don't think.


	17. Chapter 17

Joshua doesn’t turn him immediately, though. It might be easier if he did, but instead he pours over paperwork as Neku tries to relax on the other couch, and it’s awkward. Their pact is active once more, and Neku feels it ringing through the air, Joshua’s presence weighty in a way it hasn’t been in a while.

But then, Neku hasn’t been dead in a while, either. Joshua could crush him without even trying, if he wanted. He already has once today, and that wasn’t even intentional.

Neku sighs and raises his feet onto the glass table. Joshua’s eyes flicker upwards, but he doesn’t pause in whatever he’s doing. Eventually he stops and sets his pencil down, smiling up at Neku, uncertain. “Are you ready?” he says. “I believe I have you set to feed directly off your district, rather than your own account; you won’t have any required assignments.”

“Do I have to do anything?” he says after a moment, and Joshua shakes his head. “Then yeah, go for it.”

Joshua nearly does, then pauses. “I usually have people unconscious for this,” he warns. “This may be unpleasant.”

Nothing about this situation’s pleasant, though, so Neku’s less put off than he could be. “I’d rather know what you’re doing,” Neku says, and Joshua nods. He’d assumed as much, and – Neku’s glad he’s already sitting down, as Joshua’s power flattens him, the pact ringing in his ears as the glass table and slowly the rest of the room carries the same note. Joshua’s behind him fast as light, tracing out the shape of wings, larger than they need to be so they can condense down into the core of Neku’s being.

It doesn’t hurt, but it feels like it should, their pact and later binding allowing Joshua to hold off the strain, and Joshua pulls together the cacophony of Shibuya’s song around themselves. Neku could get lost in it; Neku _should_ get lost in it, only there’s Joshua to remind him he still has another role to play. There are enough musicians in the orchestra already; Neku’s place is in the center.

He doesn’t _want to,_ though, but what he wants no longer matters in the face of his district’s pure desires. And beyond his district is another, and another, all throughout the world and beyond, each cell self-contained and indistinct even as it works as a greater whole.

It’s too much. Neku is nothing in the face of it all, but it all works to serve the individual, in the end. The whole may be greater than the sum of its parts, but it’s nothing with a hole in the score, and Neku –

Neku comes to again slowly, impossibly small, but that’s as it should be. He doesn’t need to be big to keep his world turning, and with his own, the rest of it, too. Joshua’s licking him, and of course it’s Joshua; Neku has no idea how he could have ever not known. Neku may be smaller than the dog’s least tooth, but he would know his composer anywhere.

`You're beautiful,` Neku says, climbing up his fur with his agile hands, his tail keeping him balanced, and Joshua laughs and the world changes.

 _Space_ doesn’t matter here, nor does time; all that matters is Shibuya, and Joshua, and the little specks of soul that are under their purview, and they’re all so _loud_ and yet each and every one of them is important. They’ll never all work together, but that’s all right; that’s what happens, and they and the reapers are here to guide them as best they can, and Neku for a moment wonders where Hanekoma is, too. Neku may not like him, but – Joshua alerts him to the edges of their territory, Hanekoma’s power permeating the firmament of their little world, too subtle for him to spot it by himself.

Joshua is beautiful, he’s the most beautiful thing Neku has ever known, and _Neku_ is beautiful, and – everyone is beautiful, in this world; they can help people see it as wonderful as it is, and then it’ll be even greater. They can do anything together, and Neku feels them fall into perfect synchronisation and Joshua pulls him down.

He’s back in his body, then, cold and sweaty, and Neku’s going to be sick. Joshua holds him through it, and it’s nice, his power wrapping around him and reminding him of that perfect moment, but Neku can’t – Neku can’t _live_ like that. Nobody can live like that.

“I warned you,” Joshua murmurs, rubbing the top of Neku’s shoulders, and Neku melts into it. He gets that, now: just close enough to his wings to be sensitive without the kneejerk _no, bad, wrong,_ and Neku knows with certainty he’d fight anyone who tried to mess with them. Joshua doesn’t seem even vaguely threatening, though, and Neku notices after a moment there’s no weight on his back, though he feels them tense. “Becoming composer’s a little bit like that,” he adds, “only it doesn’t stop.”

“You just get used to it?” Neku says, and he feels rather than sees Joshua nod. “Shit, no wonder you suck at privacy.”

Joshua shrugs: _it is what it is._ “I put your wings away for you, Neku. Don’t let anyone else touch them.”

“Just you, huh,” Neku says, and Joshua winces.

“Or no one, if you’d rather,” Joshua concedes, but Neku’s already in agreement. “You’re young and inexperienced enough for it to be extremely dangerous; you’re liable to hurt either yourself or others.”

Neku already got that, thanks. Joshua only, if anyone, and probably not even Joshua for a while. “Do I need to be careful not to brush into anyone?” he checks, and Joshua shakes his head.

“Intent is what matters, Neku,” he says. “If you hadn’t _wanted_ to touch mine, you wouldn’t have, and like as not the only reason you could find them is I already respond to you. Your vibe is sufficient to keep them safe on your own, my dear conductor; I only wish to make sure.”

Neku nods slowly, then barks a laugh. It isn’t a new endearment, but – Neku really _is_ the conductor now, isn’t he. He’s dead, Beat’s broken up with him, and Shiki’s probably still pissed at him. What the fuck else does he have to lose? “Hey, Josh,” he says. “Fuck school; I’m taking the job.”

And Joshua’s staring at him, but then he inclines his head, and – well, that’s that, then. “I see,” he replies, and: “Come along, then.”

* * *

Neku wakes up in Joshua’s bed again, and that in itself is nothing strange. He’s comfortable to be near, even if it’s too damn early to be awake, and he cuddles around Joshua as best he can.

“Time to get up, my dear conductor,” Joshua says, shoving him out, and _hey!_ “Get dressed; I’ve an important duty for you today.”

Neku groans, but then Joshua’s literally pushing him out of bed and towards the shower, and he can take a hint. “Enough, already!” he yells. “I’m moving!” The fish have no sympathy.

Neku showers briskly, and apparently being dead doesn’t stop him from noticing temperature. Maybe Joshua’s just a jerk, keeping the place cool all the time, but it means Neku wakes up quickly, and out in the lounge, Joshua’s already got breakfast for them both.

“Eat, eat,” Joshua orders, and Neku glowers at him.

“What time is it?” Neku says, and Joshua rolls his eyes.

“It’s breakfast,” he says. Neku digs out his phone: it’s not even six yet! “I don’t know what time your exam is, so I decided to wake you up early. Kouki will be here in a few minutes to escort you.”

“I don’t need an escort,” Neku grumbles, checking his texts. Looks like Shiki and Beat’re both worried about him; they probably should’ve thought about that _before_ ditching him. “And I don’t need the exam, either; what the hell do I need an art degree for?”

Joshua stares at him. Neku stares back; two can play at this game, after all. Eventually, Joshua sighs. “Neku, I know you’re upset, but you would regret this later,” he says patiently. “Continue with your life, such as it is; I can revive you in a few days, or you can continue on as a reaper, but I have no intention of letting you destroy yourself over a few setbacks. There are people who care about you, Neku; do not disappoint them.”

Who the fuck does he think he’s kidding? Neku already did. “They’re not going to forgive me for this,” he states. “They were mad enough about you _before_ you killed me; this ain’t gonna help.”

“And so you’re giving up without a fight,” Joshua concludes. “I seem to recall someone saying he ‘couldn’t afford to lose’, hm?”

“That was different,” Neku growls. Shiki’s _life_ was on the line. The only one who’d be hurt here is Neku himself, and Neku can make his own choices.

Joshua sighs. “Daisukenojo would hate himself if he found out you gave up simply because of this, Neku,” he says, and Neku winces. “He doesn’t want to hurt you, and neither does Miss Misaki. You’re going to your exams if you have to be dragged there.”

Bit late for that, he thinks, but everything Joshua’s saying makes _sense,_ damn him, and Neku furiously shoves food in his mouth. Fine! He wants to get Neku a babysitter? Neku’ll have a fucking babysitter, and he’ll take his exams, and if he fails them all, it’ll _serve them all right_. Joshua chuckles, and Neku flips him off.

Fucker.

Neku even tells him exactly what he thinks whenever his mouth isn’t full, and imprints it the rest of the time, but Joshua won’t give Neku anything _back,_ damn him! He’s always got to take the high ground, that asshole, and it’s fucking irritating.

“Then you’ll be glad to spend the rest of the week away from me, won’t you, Neku?” Joshua says blandly. “Seeing as you have exams and all.”

Neku could punch him. Neku _wants_ to punch him, only he’d probably enjoy it, and that’s too much effort, apparently. You’d think being dead would make you less sleepy, too, but Neku’s tired and angry and keeps yawning, and he still – he storms off to the bathroom and washes his face.

Being dead like this is hardly a change _at all,_ actually; he tries holding his breath and can only manage as long as usual before he needs to breathe again, and that’s – _Joshua_ doesn’t breathe usually, so why does Neku? It’s weird, and he doesn’t like it. He’s half-tempted to hide up in the bathroom and just … not come out … but Joshua wouldn’t let him do that, would he.

What a fucking asshole. This is what Joshua _wanted,_ isn’t it? So why the hell can’t he just let Neku go along with it? He’s got nothing to lose.

Neku’s wings flare out and he punches a wall, fracturing the plywood. He looks at his hands, checking for splinters, and he’s got _claws_ now, how fucked up is that? He slashes at it for good measure, and then again, trying to get a handle on his new strength. On a hunch, he tries scraping at it instead, and then spends a good ten seconds trying to get unstuck from the cheap material.

It feels good to break something, even if Joshua can repair it like it’s nothing, and he snarls at himself in the mirror. Some of his teeth look sharper now, but fuck it.

If that’s how it’s going to be, that’s how it’s going to be, and he storms out.

* * *

Kariya’s already in the lounge, quietly speaking with Joshua, and Neku flips them both off.

“Hey, assholes,” Neku growls, but they just turn to him with tepid interest. “Can you save your talking about me to when I’m _in the room_?”

“I was merely explaining the circumstances to Kouki, Neku dear,” Joshua says, briskly walking over to him, and Neku glares at him before he can try to dust him off. “Property damage looks lovely on you, by the way. Very mature; I’m impressed.”

Kariya glances between them and stretches out, his arms behind his head. “Kids these days don’t respect their elders at all, do they,” he grumbles. “Saddle up, monkey boy.”

Why isn’t anyone paying attention to what _Neku_ wants to do? “I’m coming, I’m coming,” he says instead, and Joshua gives him a quick hug, forcing Neku’s wings invisible again in the process. Neku wasn’t exactly in a hug sort of mood, but he hugs back anyway and Joshua nuzzles him. Yeah, okay, he’s not all bad.

He’s still an asshole, though, even as Joshua murmurs into his ear: “I love you, Neku; do well.” Neku flushes and nods: he will, and Joshua pats him on the back twice before letting him go.

And they’re off, Joshua chuckling softly as they leave, and the sewer seems less … sewer-like than Neku’d seen it last. It’s the same place, but it seems … cleaner, somehow, and Neku can’t smell a thing. “You don’t have to do this, you know,” he tells Kariya, following behind him, and Kariya laughs.

“Actually, I do,” he says easily. “The boss’d find out if I didn’t, and he yells a _lot_ longer than you can, let me tell you.”

“He does have quite a mouth on him,” Neku agrees, then slams his mouth shut. That’s, uh, that’s probably too much information, but either the reaper (the _other_ reaper, he reminds himself; better get used to it) doesn’t notice or doesn’t care. “I don’t even know why he thinks my life is his business.”

“He’s a brat,” Kariya agrees, and they’re already most of the way to the train station. It’s kind of incredible, but that’s what happens when Shibuya’s in a mood, Neku supposes, and he watches Kariya tap his foot and fade out, wings vanishing. Dropping down to the RG, Neku realises; he still _sees_ him but Kariya seems _unimportant,_ a blank space he can’t scan. Or … not blank, actually: another part of Shibuya’s chorus, Kariya’s own thoughts hidden beyond Neku’s power to hear. He’s watching him, and Neku belatedly hops down, too.

It feels _wrong,_ and Neku stumbles. Kariya doesn’t catch him, just watches him trip, but Neku rebalances himself and – his wings can’t come out down here, can they. He’s _ground-bound,_ and that unsettles him somewhere primal, even as he readjusts to the immediacy of real life.

“You get used to it,” Kariya says, and Neku looks up at him in surprise. “You ain’t the first newbie I’ve looked after, kid: the boss said you’d had a rough week and ended up one of us, so here I am. You owe me, by the way: it’s just as early for me, you know.”

“I didn’t tell him to wake you up,” Neku says, and Kariya laughs. Like it matters? Neku’s a _reaper_ now: everything he does is Joshua’s responsibility. “Blame him for that, not me.”

“Oh, I will,” he says, and he stops Neku to hand him a ticket. “This pass is yours; don’t lose it. Not that you can, but don’t try too hard.”

“Reaper perks?” he says, and Kariya shrugs.

“Officer perks, more like,” and they both duck the pushers and make their way onto a train. Something in him wants to hop back up to the UG, but Kariya leans on him, firm and supportive in his own strange way, and it – helps, a little. This isn’t where he should be; this isn’t where he should be, and he knows exactly when they leave Shibuya because the UG is _gone,_ replaced by some _impostor,_ and Kariya leans against him a little more.

 _They’re_ still Shibuya, even if the UG isn’t, and if he listens – some of the people are, too. Not strongly, not enough to feel _right,_ but he can sense traces of all of Tokyo around them. It’s crowded, but also lonely. Not many other kids on the train at this hour, and as for dead people … well.

They pass the rest of the trip in companionable silence; Neku’s too tired to do much else. They barely know each other, and most of it … Neku remembers when he’d’ve killed Kariya in cold blood. They aren’t anything like friends, but right now, Neku’s glad there’s someone who feels like home.

The reapers aren’t bad people. They aren’t _good_ people, either, but neither is Neku and that’s … that’s just the way it is. He’s so tired, and once they get off, he – he kind of wants to cry. “I want to go home,” he mumbles, voice rough, and he doesn’t know if he means Shibuya or his dorm or – a few weeks ago would be nice. Before any of this happened, before Shiki and Beat got mad at him.

(Before he’d come clean and told them everything, and what good is a friendship based on _lies?_ He meant well, but the fuck kind of excuse is that? He was lying to them; of _course_ they’re fucking pissed.)

Kariya looks at him and ruffles his hair. They’re the same height by now, he notices; he’d always thought of Lollipop as something like an adult, but … but he isn’t, is he. He’s just like the rest of them: kids who aren’t ever going to grow up. “Kid,” he says, shaking his head, “I know you do.”

“School is _shit,_ ” he adds. “Fuck it.”

“I’ll drink to that,” Kariya says, “but you’ll feel better if you go. It’s important to you, ain’t it?”

Neku shrugs. “Only because it has to be,” he admits. “It’s not like I need it to be Shibuya’s conductor or anything, do I?”

“Nah,” he concedes, “but it won’t hurt to go for it anyway. We’ll all still be here no matter what happens, but half the problem in your Game was that the top brass was out of touch with what we were up to on the ground.” Neku jerks up. “The composer’s one thing – that’s how it’s supposed to be – but Kitaniji? Konishi? They didn’t care about the rest of us, and it showed.”

Neku’s going to be different. He’s going to try his best to care about _everyone,_ the reapers and the players, and even if he’ll need some distance, he won’t forget they’re all people.

“What were they like?” he asks, because he should know.

Kariya sighs. “Tell you what,” he says, “you tell me when your exam is, and then we go get coffee somewhere, aight?”

* * *

The café they find has a reaper tag. That’s the only similarity to WildKat off the bat, but it still raises the hair on the back of his neck to _know_ the Game’s played everywhere.

Even where Neku goes to school.

They play Tin Pin over who’s buying coffee, and Neku kicks Kariya’s ass, like there was any other way this could’ve gone. Fuck yeah, but the moment they step inside, Neku’s sense of who and what and where shuts off. He _can’t scan_ at all in here, and that’s – strange.

It shouldn’t be. He’s only been dead since last night, and it hasn’t been that long since Joshua messed him up with that binding, but suddenly being alone in his head is uncomfortable, like wearing a shirt two sizes too small, and he can’t even feel that slight discord from being _not in Shibuya_. He likes Nerima, and he should belong in Nerima, but Shibuya’s his home and there’s no shame in remembering that.

“Welcome to the real world,” Kariya murmurs, and Neku shivers as they buy their coffee and pick a seat.

Neku glances around. “Is it even really okay to talk about Game stuff here?” he wonders, and Kariya shrugs.

“Not our district, so not our problem,” he replies frankly. “Don’t go in too much about our own set-up, but anything else is fine.” Neku nods, and Kariya continues: “The thing you got to understand is that the top brass ain’t never going to be the type to stay RG any more than they have to. We got to live down here, but – they don’t. They just don’t.”

Good thing Neku’s already wrecked most of his RG life, then! Haha, _great_. “I’m listening,” he says instead.

“I didn’t know the old conductor too well,” he warns, “but he was one of the ones in love with the _idea_ of the RG instead of the actual RG. Too many people, too many things to keep track of; sometimes I thought the only way he kept our schedules straight was the Iron Maiden wrote them down.”

He’s serious, watching Neku over the top of his sunglasses as he balances a coffee stirrer in his mouth, and Neku’s watching him, fascinated. Shades being disorganised is … Neku’s barely thought of him as being a person, but he’s already glad he asked. Maybe there’s something Neku won’t screw up.

“Kitaniji _tried_ to be a good boss, I’ll give him that,” Kariya says, rubbing at his head. “He wanted all of us to have a good time, but you kind of need to know what fun is to make sure everyone else is having it, capisce? And that guy could not find a hobby if it danced around him and hooked itself up to his headphones.”

“Music’s a hobby,” Neku points out, defensive even if it isn’t about him.

Kariya waves the coffee stirrer animatedly, and Neku wishes he’d just had another damn lollipop. “You can claim that sort of thing all you want, Phones, but most people go to concerts, or are in a band, or some of that shit, you know? The boss guy didn’t actually do anything about it; he just stuck on his headphones anytime anyone wanted to talk to him.”

Neku glowers. “I’m not like him,” he states, and Kariya rolls his eyes.

“Didn’t say you were, kid,” he says easily, and yeah, sure he didn’t. “The point is, though, kid, the last conductor’s only links to the RG were reports and the math dork, and that ain’t healthy. Not even for us.”

Josh has even less than that, and _he’s_ – no, Neku can’t even say that in his head. It’s an excuse, and it isn’t even a _good_ excuse. “You want me to finish school,” he concludes.

Kariya shrugs. “Doesn’t matter to me either way,” he admits, “but the composer? Yeah, he wants you to finish school, make some friends, do something with yourself that ain’t all UG all the time. He ain’t particular; it just ain’t healthy to go straight from RG to UG like that.”

“It’s my life,” Neku says quietly, and he’s the one who decides what to do with it.

He could kick himself. What the fuck is he doing, trying to sabotage himself like this? He’s such a fucking hypocrite. No wonder Beat dumped him, if he’s pulling shit like this.

Neku pulls his phone out to check his ignored texts, and Kariya leans back, satisfied.

`how u holdin up?` Beat sent last night, and Neku put off replying _way_ too long as it is.

` Im getting by,` Neku types back, and he’ll make this be true. He might be a reaper, but – fuck, he’ll work this out somehow. He’s got to. `I got an exam in a bit but i should be ok dont worry.`

And some messages from Shiki …. Neku knows they’re still not okay, but that doesn’t excuse ignoring her, either. `i kno ive been busy but u ok????` and `hey neku` and `neku why did u turn ur phone off?????` Wait, but his phone wasn’t – oh. He was out of commission for a while there; Joshua probably declined the call.

`Ill be okay, shiki,` he types, and: `Im sorry ive been such a huge jerk to you lately. See u next week sometime?`

And then he groans, friend duties accomplished, and buries his head in his arms, lying on the table. Kariya flicks him with a straw. Neku groans louder. Just doing that took a lot out of him, and the day’s barely _started_. How’s Neku going to do his exam when he can barely manage facing his mistakes?

… One step at a time, just like everything else. “You don’t need to hang around me,” Neku says, and Kariya shrugs. “It – it was good of you to, though.”

“Blame the boss for that one,” Kariya advises, and Neku nods. Joshua really isn’t a bad guy. There’s got to be some way to convince Beat and Shiki of that if he tries, and maybe – maybe Beat’ll take him back. They can at least be friends again, anyway. Probably. “He’ll have my head if I leave you anytime soon, though,” he adds, and Neku groans again.

Kariya tags along when Neku heads back to his dorm to pick up his art supplies and history notes. Even if that exam’s not for a few days, he might as well be prepared. Kariya lingers near the door, which Neku appreciates, but even from there, he’s got a pretty good view of Neku’s room, and ….

“Nice painting,” he says, eying the wall above Neku’s desk, and Neku glances at it. “That one of yours?”

“No, it’s Josh’s,” Neku replies, and he pauses in his packing to look at it carefully. It’s of Neku and his friends as they were when they left the Game, and seeing them makes Neku’s heart hurt, but more than that – he pushes himself up to the UG, though his wings feel sluggish outside of Shibuya.

It was so much easier to actively scan with a pin, but if he’s supposed to have one, Joshua sure didn’t point it out to him. He stretches out as he thinks, and his wings go, too, as the world shifts focus. Kariya’s behind him, radiating quiet amusement even though his thoughts are a blank, and he can sense the people throughout the building, but more than that … he knows exactly what he’d been trying to accomplish with all of his work.

Not that he actually _had_ something in mind for half of it, but even as muddied as it is, he still knows what he’d meant. He returns his attention to Joshua’s painting and –

Static, and the knowledge Neku’s the only one who could access this message, and:

> My dear Proxy,
>
>> There are a great many things I could say to you, but little enough you wish to hear, I expect. The concerns of the living are very different from those of the dead, even when they intersect, but rest assured that the UG always pays its debts, and I suppose I owe you a great deal.
>> 
>> You died very prettily, by the way. I can’t say I expected you to give up at the last moment, but I must admit I’m grateful, so thank you for that. I still don’t understand why you would do that, but you always were full of surprises. What’s one more?
>> 
>> Surprises are such a rare thing once you’re in my position, you know. I don’t expect you to understand. I picked you _because_ I knew you could do what needed to be done, you know, and that you didn’t – I’m grateful, Neku, honestly. Please develop some self-preservation, though. You’ve too much talent to wait for erasure like that. I really **was** going to destroy you and my UG, you realise that? It was never a bluff.
>> 
>> I hope you’re well by the time this reaches you, but if not – things happen, I suppose. If you insist on replying, check WildKat first. Mr H knows how to contact me. If his café happens to be closed by then, well, we’ve probably both been erased. I always _did_ need to get the last word.
>> 
>> Oh, don’t be like that, dear. Composers rarely last long, and I’m far past my expiration date. Mr H hit his during the Game, too. Everything since then has been borrowed time.
>> 
>> We wouldn’t have had it at all if it weren’t for you, Neku. Thank you.
>>
>>> Sincerely,
>>> 
>>> Joshua Kiryu, Composer of Shibuya

It solidifies into a letter once he’s done hearing it recited, and Neku crumples the paper. Did he seriously – of course he did. Of absolutely fucking course he did. Neku collapses onto his bed with a groan, and Kariya pokes his head in with vague interest. Neku flips him off.

“Josh left me a note,” Neku explains, and Kariya nods faintly. “I’m going to fucking kill him.”

Kariya sighs. “ _That_ kind of note,” he says, and he plops a lollipop into his mouth. “I’ll buy you a bowl of ramen if you punch him for me, whenever you see him next.”

 _If_ Neku sees him, he thinks darkly, but – wait. This can’t have been recent, can it? It wouldn’t really make _sense_ for it to be, after all, and Neku scrolls through his contacts.

Joshua picks up on the second ring. “Your painting was booby-trapped,” Neku says without preamble.

“Ah?” Joshua says, and it takes him a moment to realise. “Oh, yes, that.”

“Yes, _that,_ ” Neku repeats. “Josh, maybe fucking _take the suicide notes_ out of things before giving them to me, okay?! You scared the shit out of me!”

Joshua sighs, and Neku could kill him. God fucking damn it! “It wasn’t a suicide note, Neku,” he says, patient. “I simply didn’t want to leave certain things unsaid if you decided you wanted nothing further to do with me after the Game. Truth be told, I forgot it was there.”

Sure he did. “Sure you did,” Neku says. “Josh, how the fuck did you think I’d feel if I’d gotten this if I _did_ tell you to fuck off?”

Silence. “Better than if I’d vanished without a trace?” he hazards. Aaaaaargh! “Neku, it’s a moot point now, anyway.”

“How did you even think I would scan for it?” Neku growls, and he gets silence in response. “That didn’t even occur to you, did it. You just made me a very nice painting and wrote me a letter and forgot to make sure I’d actually be able to get it.”

Joshua huffs. “Any reaper could have gotten it for you while it was still relevant, Neku,” he grumbles. “I didn’t code it to you until after you’d punched me in the face.”

If he thought _that_ far ahead, he should’ve actually **removed the letter** while he was at it, but maybe that makes too much sense for him. He did take Neku (extremely deservedly) punching him in the face as evidence that Neku might actually want to be friends with him, after all. “I was worried about you for a moment there, asshole,” Neku says, voice wavering. “Don’t do that to me.”

“I’m very sorry, Neku,” Joshua replies softly, and Neku growls.

“ _Stop apologising!_ ” he yells, and he flushes. Kariya’s stepped out to give him some privacy, thankfully, but even so …. “You never apologise for the right things,” Neku adds, quieter. “Just – I want to know you’re okay, Josh. That’s all.”

And Joshua sighs again. “First you want an apology, and now you want me to _stop_ apologising,” he drawls. “How am I supposed to keep track of this, Neku? It was so much easier when you accepted that an apology wasn’t going to come at all.”

“Tough break,” Neku replies, and they both laugh. He’s still upset and his heart hasn’t calmed down yet, but – it’s better. Even with the adrenaline crash. “Josh, I just – I need to be able to trust you to take care of yourself, okay? Don’t get yourself killed.”

“I won’t,” he says, and Neku wishes he could believe him, but then he adds: “I have reasons not to, now, Neku. Please take care of yourself as well.”

And that’s not what Neku wanted to hear, but … Joshua meant it. That’s the best he can hope for right now, and Neku can try his best to hold up his side of it. “I will. I’ll talk to you later, okay, Josh?”

Joshua chuckles in reply, and Neku hangs up.

Hell of a thing to find when he has an exam later, but it’ll be fine. Everything’s as good as he can get it right now, and he has time for a nap first.

“Kariya?” Neku says, stepping back out to find him. “I’m going to take a nap for a while; you can head back, if you want.”

He shrugs. “Might as well,” he concedes. “It’s your fault if the boss gets pissed, though,” and Neku can accept that.

It’ll work out. Some way or another.

* * *

Neku survives his first exam intact. (Well, no, but you know what he means.) It even manages to go mostly well, all things considered, and he texts Joshua the news. He nearly sends it to Beat, too, but … no.

Ugh, what is he even going to _do_ there. He owes Beat so much, and if Neku technically being the conductor was too much, he is _not_ going to take the reaper thing well. It’s temporary, or it can be, but the sheer fact Neku’s died again at all …. Beat and Shiki are going to be so pissed.

Neku isn’t even managing to be mad at Joshua about it, and it’s mostly Joshua’s fault, anyway. Neku’d never have died if it weren’t for him, but … Joshua _is_ trying to look out for him. Sometimes he’s shitty at it, but Neku made it to his exam and he probably wouldn’t have on his own. That counts for something right there.

(He wouldn’t have been upset if it wasn’t for Joshua, but it’s not Joshua’s fault everyone else is upset about the composer thing. It’s a bit late for him to get a career change. And he _still_ isn’t a bad guy.)

Joshua makes Neku’s life so much more complicated, but Neku … Neku can’t see a better option. He _likes_ Joshua. It’s just … Joshua’s not someone where there’s ever an easy answer.

Neku sighs into his pillow. He should probably go out and relax with his school friends, but the prospect of the reaper girl finding out he’s dead is _not_ cheering, and he’s okay, really. He’ll heal.

Joshua checks in on him throughout the rest of the week, reminding him to eat and asking about his schedule, and Neku’s sure he’d send him another babysitter if he got worried. It’s a bit touching, even if Neku kind of wishes he’d fuck right off. Neku doesn’t always want to feel looked after, but right now he keeps doing a shit job looking after himself.

There’s not a good answer to that problem, either. Life was easier when he didn’t give a shit. Letting himself backslide like he wants to would only make everything worse, though. And then the semester’s over, and that’s that, he supposes. Results will be up soon enough, but he can’t bring himself to care right now. 

It’s over with. He’s done. 


	18. Chapter 18

He needs out of his dorm pronto, even with everyone’s relief and dread flooding his senses, so he packs enough clothes for a few days and heads back to Shibuya. He might not be particularly welcome at his folks’ place, but he doesn’t need to be: Joshua has space.

Maybe he should inform him first. _Nah._ Joshua can handle the occasional surprise, and what’s he going to do? Throw him out? It’s Josh’s fault he’s even dead right now.

(And there’s another reason he wants to see him, too. Neku sure needs to breathe a lot for a dead guy. And Josh did say he could revive Neku in a week or two.)

He feels the spot of resistance again as he leaves Nerima, his wings cramping painfully as he’s pushed fully down to the RG, but he gets through okay. It’s unpleasant, but his blood just rushes through his head for a moment and it passes.

And it’s infinitely better than being trapped by a barrier he can’t pass. Thank fuck he hasn’t had to deal with any of that shit yet. Maybe he’ll get lucky and Joshua could get him a keypin, just in case. Do those things work in other UGs?

It’s funny: he learned years ago that Shibuya is so much bigger than he’d thought, and he still keeps being surprised at how _small_ it really is. The scale of the world … Neku can’t grasp it, can’t even get close. Even just Tokyo is beyond him, really. 

Shibuya welcomes him when he crosses back over, and he hops up to the UG despite himself. Shibuya resounds with an earnest joy, and Joshua follows. `Welcome back, Neku,` he sends through both text and imprint, and Neku smiles. He’s glad to be home, wherever home may be.

It’ll work out.

He takes his time meandering through the streets, enjoying the sights and the sounds, and when he tries to drop back down to the RG’s physicality, he notices he keeps himself a fraction up. Not enough to be invisible, but it **hurts** to shut out the thoughts and feelings of the people and he gives up on trying. It’s nicer this way, anyway; Shibuya wouldn’t be Shibuya without the people.

He may have gone back a lot during the semester, but it’s still different when you aren’t just passing through, and Shibuya likes him. It’s strange to think the place has an opinion, but it’s true: the lights stay in his favor and the crowds let him by, and he walks with a spring in his step even as he hardly has a destination in mind.

He ends up picking up a few CDs as he window shops, as much for something to do as anything else, and chats with the clerk. Most of the clerks he’d befriended during the Game have changed jobs by now, but everyone in the Game shops seems happy to see him all the same. Just one of those things, he supposes.

Kitaniji sold music, didn’t he. Wonder if any of it’s still in stores. Joshua would know. Neku probably shouldn’t _ask,_ but he _would_ know.

God. Fuck. Neku’s half-planning to spend a few days staying with Joshua and Joshua hasn’t even cleared out the room of his old housemate **who he murdered.** Maybe … maybe Neku better think this through more. Or at all. He doesn’t want to stay at his dorm, though ….

“Why do you have to make everything so complicated, Josh?” Neku says to the empty air, but Joshua doesn’t reply and Neku didn’t really want him to, anyway.

Everything to do with Joshua and Shades is … Neku doesn’t know how to deal with it, but clearly _Joshua_ needs to, and then Neku remembers how fucked up everything is all over again.

Joshua needs to move on, and Neku fucking has the guy’s old job. He trusts Joshua, but shit: there’s a whole pile of issues there he has no idea what to do with.

Well. He has one. `Is Pi Face in town?` he texts Joshua, avoiding his name just to be contrary. 

`Minamimoto is, yes,` Joshua replies, taking the bait, and Neku smirks. Joshua needs someone to kick his ass into gear, and Neku can provide.

He starts making his way to the sewers and looks through his phone’s contact list. It’s more detailed here in his district: it looks like he can call up a cheat sheet of their bios for their recent performance and RG life, but the whole idea of doing so gives him the wiggies. He’s just – he’s just jumping his way into being their boss, and even if what mostly matters for the position is Joshua’s trust, it’s still creepy. Fucking nepotism.

(Haha, fucking.)

`Can you report down to the lounge? Kitaniji still has some stuff there,` he texts Minamimoto, and good god but that’s way too casual to refer to anyone’s deceased friend. ( _More_ deceased.) Hopefully he won’t –

` 1 637 M36S R3M41ND3R5??? 5H17 Y34H!!` he replies, and Neku rolls his eyes. Nevermind then. He forgot that they’re all fucking _assholes_.

Well, it’s none of Neku’s business if they’re all fuckers, and he calls Joshua as he heads into the sewers. “Hey, Josh,” Neku says quickly, “you might want to –”

“– not be in the lounge, yes,” he finishes, and Neku sighs. Kind of rude to cut him off like that. “I’d appreciate a bit of warning next time, Neku.”

Joshua’s clairvoyant, isn’t he? And as far as he knows, Minamimoto can’t teleport. “It all worked out okay, though, right?” Neku says, a bit worriedly. Joshua’d said he’s welcome ….

“It did, yes,” Joshua concedes. “Minamimoto likely won’t be here until after you are, and you’re welcome as much as you’d like, but _do_ remember I like my privacy, Neku.”

“Josh, your place is my best option for staying in Shibuya right now,” Neku says. “You might want to remember that.” Just because he doesn’t _want_ to spend the next week at his dorm doesn’t mean he _can’t,_ after all.

Joshua mulls that over, though he’s not happy about it. “I may need to find you a place of your own someday, then,” he says finally, “unless you happen to enjoy running into reapers at all hours. I’m happy you’re here, truly, but it can make things more complicated.”

Yeah, okay, he’ll think about it more next time. “I’ll be there in a few,” he says instead, and Joshua chuckles before they hang up.

It’s not long before he’s at the lounge, and Neku goggles a bit at his goddamn pair of monkey slippers. Confidence is the true key to any oufit, though, and he boldly puts them on. They get a lot more traction on Joshua’s floor, he has to admit, and as generally clean as the whole place is once you’re inside, he doesn’t really want to wear his socks around here.

Especially not when Minamimoto’s coming, and Neku settles in on the couch to wait for him. Joshua’s nowhere to be seen, of course, and even though he hadn’t thought he would be, Neku’s still disappointed.

The composer doesn’t have to be visible to make his presence known, though, and a washcloth appears on the table for him to wipe his face off with. “Thanks,” he tells the waiting air, and Joshua sends him pleased amusement.

He lies back and watches the fish, contemplating putting on some music to go with it, but right now it’s probably better to make sure he can hear if anyone comes in.

“Attention all zeroes!” Minamimoto announces, his shoes clonking on the floor. “The absolute value of the party has arrived!”

Neku cranes his neck over the back of the couch to look at him just in time to see him lifted up and bodily thrown into the bathroom. The door slams shut and locks itself, and Joshua appears next to Neku.

“I’m not letting him get his filth in that room,” Joshua states, and Neku laughs.

“It can’t be too hard to clean it up,” he says, but it’s the idea of the thing. Neku wouldn’t want anyone who’d literally been rooting through trash running around his house, either. “It’s good to see you.”

Joshua smiles. “Of course it is,” he replies, and Neku rolls his eyes. “Did your finals go well?”

“Yeah,” he says, but Joshua should already know as much. Even so, Joshua beams at him once he’s said it, and Neku belatedly realises he was checking for accuracy. “What, you don’t trust me?” He crosses his arms, miffed. 

Joshua sighs. “My apologies, Neku,” he says, and he’s more sorry it bothered him than sorry he did it. “It’s very difficult for me to adjust to not knowing if someone believes what they’re saying. I wouldn’t have minded if they _hadn’t_ gone well, though.”

“So long as they went?” Neku finishes, and Joshua nods.

“You’d attended most of the semester,” he says. “It would have been a pity if you didn’t show at the end.”

But he did, and he did fairly okay. “Thanks for kicking my ass,” he says, meaning it, and Joshua relaxes just a little. He’d fucked up pretty damn badly last time, but Neku might not have shown up otherwise. Maybe it evens out.

Then again, Neku’s fucking dead. Just because he’s still breathing doesn’t make him less fucking dead, and Joshua winces. “I can resurrect you after you’re done with this,” he says carefully, and Neku’s honestly a bit surprised Joshua had meant it. He probably shouldn’t be – Joshua’s been trying not to lie to him – but given how shit everything’s been, forgive him for not getting his hopes up. 

“I think I’m okay,” Neku says, and Joshua furrows his brow. “It’s not really – it’s a change, but it’s not really a bad one.”

“Your friends won’t approve,” he warns, and Neku barks a laugh. What else is new?

“I’ll deal,” he says firmly, and Joshua lets the topic drop. Neku doesn’t even know if he _has_ living friends in Shibuya; what does he care if they can’t adjust? They’re not the ones who have to deal with it, anyway. “You should probably get going,” he adds, and Joshua fades out. 

Neku can still sense him in the general vicinity, but it’s Joshua’s own pad, so that’s no surprise. `Have fun, Neku,` Joshua adds, and Neku settles in to wait. 

Minamimoto comes back out eventually, and he looks actually _clean_ for once. He’s pretty cute, Neku realises, even if he did use Neku’s hair gel, and that pulls him back out of it. Pleasantly damp or not, it’s still _Pi Face,_ ugh, no. “So I got to divide up Megs’s stuff, right?” he says. “Where you hiding it?”

Neku sighs and pulls himself off the couch. It’s got to be done, and he taps on the wall until a door appears. “You were his friend,” Neku says, unconvinced, “so I guess whatever happens with it is up to you.”

“Sweet!” And he dives in, marking some of the furniture with sticky notes that he scribbles location names on to. Composer delivery service, Neku guesses, and Joshua sends him confirmation. 

This is so fucked up, but Neku has no idea what to do with any of it. Joshua needs to not have a whole room as a shrine to Shades, but this … Neku doesn’t think this is a usual approach to grief.

`Megumi was comfortable with his potential erasure, Neku,` Joshua says, and Minamimoto perks up even though Neku’s pretty sure that was private. `He had no regrets, nor would he have wished anyone else to.`

It’s still creepy, Neku thinks, and even moreso as Minamimoto cheers while rooting through Kitaniji’s collection of albums. Maybe it’s good his friend doesn’t mind that he’s dead – _more_ dead – and he’d been erased a while ago, but it feels callous.

But then, what do dead people need to mourn for? Maybe he really is happier in his new life. What does Neku know? 

And then a jacket hits Neku in the face. “This looks like it’s in your domain,” Minamimoto says firmly, and Neku pulls it off his head. Ugh, Hip Snake.

“Thanks,” he grumbles, and the reaper goes back to sorting through Kitaniji’s closet for stuff to steal. Uh, claim. “Do I still need to be here or are we all good?”

“We’re golden,” he says cheerily, and Joshua sends confirmation, so Neku bolts out back to the lounge.

It’s _so_ much easier to breathe out here, once he’s away from the remnants of Kitaniji’s power permeating everything, and he gets himself a drink from the bar to wash it out. He then pours himself a cup of water and splashes it on his face: he needs it.

That guy is _dead and gone,_ and Neku’s kind of glad Joshua’ll no longer be harboring a shrine to him. Maybe that room was less sterile and blank when Kitaniji still used it, but Neku doubts it: Shades just … probably was just as empty while he was still moving around. It’s kind of terrifying.

Joshua pings him, and Neku perks up. He ducks through the bathroom on the way to Joshua’s room (the better to keep Pi Face from sneaking up on him) before collapsing down onto Joshua’s bed, belly first. “I’m _so_ glad I’m not Kitaniji,” Neku says, and even if it’s tactless, he means it.

Joshua lets out a huff of air and pats Neku’s head. “I’m glad you aren’t, too,” he replies quietly. “Megumi was a good man, but not a very happy one.”

Not that Joshua was doing any better, Neku suspects. “I don’t understand it,” he admits. “Did he just … not have a life?” It’d match what Kariya said, but still. 

Belatedly, he notices his word choice. Fuck it, Joshua knows what he meant. 

“Not beyond the Game,” Joshua concedes, but it’s not like Joshua does either, really. “You remind me of him sometimes,” he adds, and it’s not just the headphones.

“You can’t replace him,” Neku says firmly, pulling Joshua into a loose embrace, and he doesn’t think Joshua has been trying. Maybe he’d like to, but some things are impossible no matter who you are.

You can’t change the past. You just have to deal with it as best you can.

“I miss him,” Joshua murmurs, and he slides Neku closer to him. “I didn’t even like him.”

And Neku hates his family, but that doesn’t stop him from wishing he had a place of his own in Shibuya. “Yeah.”

“Thank you,” he adds, “for moving his stuff out. I’ll take care of the rest once Minamimoto leaves.”

“Would he be happy?” he has to ask. It’s strange to him, but so much of this is. 

And Joshua hums, pressing himself to Neku as he weighs it out. “Shibuya is safe,” he says finally. “He served his district and he left no loose ends that could not be straightened. May we all be so lucky.”

That’s not really an answer, but that is happiness of a sort, and Neku relaxes, gently petting Joshua. Joshua’s stiff, but he sends him an imprint when Neku tries stopping. Awkward, not uncomfortable. 

“I could revive you,” Joshua notes, lazily eyeing Neku’s shoulder blades, and Neku’s wings slide out. Joshua makes no move towards them, but Neku shivers anyway, the composer’s power raw on his senses. 

And Joshua even keeps it carefully restrained. Joshua in full form would be … Neku can’t even picture it. “You could,” Neku agrees uneasily. “You’d just want me dead again later, though, wouldn’t you?”

Joshua wags his finger, and Neku stretches his wings out in unconscious response, each tine vibrating uncomfortably under his regard. “I can’t say I don’t prefer you this way,” he admits, inspecting his wings from a safe distance, and Neku feels strangely naked, “but the longer we wait, the more your soul will rehouse itself in your wings, and the harder it will be to resurrect you fully.”

So he might not be able to go back. “How long do I have to decide?” Being a reaper hasn’t been _bad,_ is the thing, and he’d just have to adjust again later. Unless this doesn’t work out; unless Joshua alienates him past where they can repair, but Neku doesn’t think he will.

But then, he didn’t think he’d ever have these problems with Beat and Shiki.

Joshua hums. “I suppose as long as it takes for your wings to shrink,” he says. “Your rank makes that difficult to predict; a wall reaper could be revived after decades, while it’s possible for me to make you ineligible right now.” Neku glowers at him, and Joshua continues, unruffled: “I won’t, of course, but that _is_ what would happen if you let me at your wings. They’re too beautiful for you to not use them properly, not if you’re trusting me to help.”

Well, that’s charming. Neku tenses, and Joshua runs his fingers along Neku’s jaw. Neku shivers, but whether from nerves or Joshua’s cold hands are anyone’s guess. “Guess I know what we’re not doing,” Neku mutters, and Joshua smiles softly, brushing the hair out of Neku’s eyes.

“I’d refuse even if you’d asked me to,” Joshua admits. “Letting someone manhandle your soul should never be done lightly.”

And yet Neku’s certain he’d provide his own wings the moment Neku asked. “I trust you,” Neku says.

Joshua snorts, disbelieving. “No, you don’t,” he says, and Neku nearly snaps down to his Noise form right there. “I’m sure you’d like to, Neku dear,” Joshua continues, unperturbed, “but I’ve caused a bit too much damage to you and yours for you to let me without resistance, and that – would end badly.”

And he wants to argue, he wants to prove to Joshua that he trusts him not to betray him – but Joshua’s right and Neku knows he’s right. Neku doesn’t **want** him to be, but – trusting somebody not to hurt you isn’t the same as trusting them unconditionally, and Neku … Neku doesn’t. Maybe it isn’t fair that Neku still has reservations, but life’s not fair sometimes.

That’s life. And death.

Sometimes people hurt people; sometimes people get hurt. You still need to reach out, though, and Joshua … Joshua doesn’t always look out for himself. “Okay,” Neku says, and Joshua unfolds his own wings, slowly and deliberately. “Do you want me to,” Neku starts, then trails off.

That’s how he died. That’s how Neku died, and – it was an accident, and they’re going to need to move past this, too. Now that Neku has wings of his own, the thought of even approaching the power contained there is terrifying, explicit permission or not, but … Joshua likes it, and he nods shakily as they resettle themselves so Neku’s sitting up and Joshua’s in his lap, with Neku’s arms shielding him from unwanted flapping.

Neku carefully puts his hand between Joshua’s wings and starts to scratch as Shibuya roars, overwhelmingly loud. It takes a moment for him to work out anything else, and he suspects he only manages because Joshua pushes it back. The whole Shibuya UG is an extension of Joshua’s will, and Neku … Neku could do anything he wants with it. It’d probably destroy him in the attempt, though.

`You would need to take it as your own UG,` Joshua says with a chuckle, arcing under Neku’s hand as he scritches between each puffed-up feather. `A good composer takes input, but it's still my composition, after all. You merely have -- creative license.`

Creative license, with a Game Neku doesn’t actually help run. “You talk too much,” he says instead, and the low sense of Joshua’s thoughts quiets down as Neku works on preening him. Nothing seems to be loose, and there’s no negative energy feeding off him, so Neku simply massages what passes for muscles as Joshua moans in apparent bliss. He can’t feel the hard bone of the reaper wings beneath the fluff, but Joshua squirms as Neku presses down to look.

He lightens up almost immediately, Joshua’s pain loud in his mind, but Joshua sends him a _why did you STOP_ until Neku reapplies pressure onto the spongy material. Their wings are delicate, and Neku _knows_ he could do some serious damage like this, but he holds steady as Joshua whimpers each time Neku has to adjust. “It’s okay,” Neku says as Joshua’s wing jerks, and again as he strains up against Neku’s other arm, and Neku finally lightens up to simply pet him.

Joshua sends him an imprint of his gratitude, and Neku’s nearly flattened by the strength of it. “Love you,” he manages, voice crackly, and Neku leans down to kiss his wing.

He’s rewarded by a face-full of feathers, but at least Joshua’s happy. _Really_ happy, he corrects, as Joshua realises that having his moaning maybe-boyfriend in Neku’s lap got certain other parts of Neku interested in the proceedings, and not even knowing they’d left Minamimoto alone in the pad dampens that. He thankfully doesn’t go for his pants, but Joshua sleepily pulls himself up, careful not to dislodge Neku from gently petting him, and leans on Neku until he acquiesces and lets Joshua flop on top of him.

He should be heavier, Neku thinks absently, but all Joshua’s weight manages is the suggestion of pressure, a little bit like having a cold lumpy blanket atop you. So not at all like a blanket, really, but Joshua nuzzles him until Neku drifts off to sleep.


	19. Chapter 19

Neku wakes up a while later, still fully-dressed on Joshua’s bed, and Joshua himself’s dangling his feet off the edge, keeping watch as he radiates contentment.

“What happened with Pi Face?” Neku blurts out, jerking up. Joshua is clearly fine, but –

“He didn’t pull anything,” Joshua murmurs, pulling himself up enough to flop back next to Neku. “I moved everything he wanted, and he’s to donate the rest, as is typical.”

So that’s fine, then. Neku hopes his supervision made a difference, at least to Joshua’s nerves, but either way, his involvement meant it got _done_. You can’t underestimate that sort of thing.

“Oh, a lot of my dorm mates went home for the week,” Neku says, “so I was wondering if I could stay with you.”

Joshua raises his eyebrows, turning to look at him. “In Megumi’s room?” he says drily.

“No!” he yelps, and Joshua chuckles. God, no, that’s not even worth _thinking_ about. Pass. “I meant on your couch, you _ass_.”

He slides into his dog form and rolls over, the better to watch Neku with amusement, and Neku’s tempted to shove him off the bed. `Oh, I suppose,` he concedes, `but you'll have to do the grocery shopping, you know.`

Neku takes his fist and grinds it into the fur on Joshua’s head, smirking at Joshua’s whine. Bratty dogs get noogies. “And why is that, Josh,” he says, faux-lightly, and Joshua quirks an ear.

`I don't see the point in buying groceries when you're the one who needs to eat,` he pouts, batting at Neku’s arm with a paw until Neku lets up. `Wings or no, your soul's still keeping your body alive, while I can subsist just fine off the district. You eat it; you buy it.`

Joshua eats food, though. Neku has _seen him_ eat food. “Explain like I don’t know anything,” he says, and Joshua flickers back to human purely so he can lecture.

“You’re still functionally alive,” Joshua tells him, pushing his bangs back as he sits up. “Your wings’ current main function is to preserve your body as you adjust frequencies, which also will coincidentally prevent you from aging beyond this point, and to do that, you need a constant influx of soul energy. Hence a reaper’s requirement for points.”

Neku inclines his head, waiting for him to continue.

“As your soul migrates to your wings, you’ll need a physical form less and less, and eventually subsist entirely on soul energy,” he continues casually, and Neku stares at him. “I still _have_ one, but it’s – easier, to leave out many of the details, and my enjoyment of food is more based on the imagination and soul used in its creation than the precise flavor. A master’s ramen will always be better than instant swill.” 

So that’s why he’s still normal and Joshua isn’t. Joshua eats souls, sort of. “You’re a vampire.”

“I most certainly am _not,_ ” Joshua says, affronted. “Humans produce more than enough to share.”

And he’s pretty sure they make blood, too, but that doesn’t make them any more eager to get chewed on. “Okay, vampire,” he says easily, and Joshua folds his arms into a pout.

“If _I’m_ a vampire, so are you,” he points out grumpily. “Simply because you still have physical needs doesn’t exempt you from absorbing and refining any energy you consume, Neku dear.”

“And whose fault is that?” he snaps, but he’s not mad and Joshua relaxes again after a moment. “You’d better not get me stoned,” he adds, recalling that fuck-up.

Joshua rolls his eyes as dramatically as he can manage, which is pretty damn dramatic, considering. “You’re young enough a concert _should_ only give you a light buzz,” he says, “but I would suggest a chaperon, just in case. Oh, don’t be like that – you’ll get used to it.”

Yeah, it’s just going to be _utterly embarrassing_ in the meantime. “So, about the soul energy,” Neku says, more serious. 

And Joshua looks at him levelly. “One reaper per pay period per ten players,” he recites off, “and one player per twenty noise. More or less.”

Neku furrows his brow, thinking about it: he’s an art student, damn it. “So you want 100 Noise from me a week?” That’s kind of a lot, but probably less of an imposition than while he was in the Game.

“If you have the time to spare? Yes, ideally, but you don’t have to, Neku: I’ve already assigned overtime to cover for you.”

Oh, that’ll go over well. “Yeah, just give them more work for their nepotistic conductor,” he mutters. “That’ll get them to love me.”

“ _All_ conductors are nepotistic, Neku,” Joshua replies, not unkindly. “They’re selected based entirely on the personal preferences of the composer; you’re merely unusual in the fact you weren’t in the reaper pool when I selected you.”

Does he not get it? “Which makes me a blatant display of nepotism,” he finishes. “Please tell me you didn’t actually give out overtime on my behalf.” Damn it, Joshua, he doesn’t need to be undermined like this. 

Joshua stares at him a bit blankly, and Neku feels him nudge permission to shuffle through Neku’s mind to make sense of this. Neku lets him, a bit bemused at Joshua’s total lack of people skills.

Eventually, Joshua inclines his head in apology. “I did, I’m afraid; I won’t repeat that mistake,” he says quietly. “However, I at least phrased it as building up a surplus in preparation for the next Game.”

So at least they _might_ not hate him. “Aren’t they supposed to be on vacation?” he recalls vaguely, and Joshua hums affirmatively.

“It was optional,” he says. “I informed them I would count their points double if they could scrounge up enough for a resurrection. Kouki and Coco likely know the real reason, or at least suspect; I don’t know who else does.”

“Okay,” he replies, and again. “Okay, I think I can work with this.” It still sucks, but he can work with this. They’re going to need better communication, but it works for right now. “Are you going to save that for if I ask to be revived?”

Joshua shrugs. “It honestly hadn’t occurred to me that you might _not,_ Neku,” he admits, and Neku’s a little proud. “What would you like me to do with it?”

“What are my options?”

Joshua holds out his hand to count off on his fingers. “I can credit it to your account, put it in the general use pool, or keep it earmarked for your resurrection until you instruct me otherwise. You’re exempt from the Noise quota regardless; it’s simply easier for all involved if you can contribute your share. In Shibuya, ideally.”

Well, _that’s_ probably not going to happen. “Not sure I can manage that,” he admits, and Joshua nods. “Try to save it for a while, but if something pressing comes up, go ahead and use it; if I get sick of being a reaper, I can probably wait a few days for you to build it back up. I trust your judgement, Josh.”

Joshua pushes his hair back, hiding a smile. “As you will, then,” he says, and now _Neku’s_ blushing, too. Heh. “You should probably pick up groceries soon; do you need money?”

Kicking him out already, huh. “I’m fine,” he says, then realises: “Do you even _have_ money?”

Joshua laughs. “Anything lost and forgotten is mine by right,” he says with ease, “and you’d be surprised how many ¥500 coins make their way into the sewers. Chump change, of course, but it adds up, and Sanae diverts some of his profits into my UG’s coffers.”

So that’s probably where their clothes money came from: it’s poop money. Maybe a lot of it just got left on the ground, but the sewers are way gross and even if Joshua’s cleaned it, it’s still probably touched poop. “That’s disgusting,” he states, and Joshua shrugs.

“The glamorous life of a city composer, I suppose,” he says with a sigh, but he’s not exactly bothered. “We get by all right.”

That still sounds kind of gross, but it makes sense in a twisted sort of way. “So I know you don’t _need_ to eat, but if I cooked, would you want some?” he says, thinking about it, and Joshua nods faintly. “Give me some money and we’ll go halfsies on it, then.”

Joshua pulls out a coin purse and hands it over. “Don’t get me anything premade,” he warns, “but I can always call in a reaper if we want something neither of us can cook, so don’t be stingy about it, either. It’ll all be eaten by _someone_.”

“Right,” he says, and Joshua leaves him to it.

* * *

Grocery shopping on a Friday evening is kind of a nightmare, but he gets through it okay. Joshua’s money all looks new and _definitely_ not gross, so he goes right ahead and leans on Joshua’s wallet. Neku’s got more life expenses than Joshua has – it’s just a fact – and he doesn’t buy anything he’d feel guilty about charging to Joshua’s account. He’d offered, anyway, and Neku’ll pay him back if Joshua wants.

After all, the money’s currently staying inside Shibuya. That should satisfy Joshua’s absurd territoriality.

Neku texts Joshua a heads-up to take the food back to his place, and then adds in a follow-up about what needs refrigeration, just in case. Joshua _probably_ knows that shit already and could find it out on his own, but he doesn’t exactly need to eat: he might not be used to thinking of preserving food as something real people do. Who even knows with that guy.

God. Staying with Joshua for a week’s probably going to be fucking **weird** without even getting into the issues with him living in an inconsistent sewer. (It’s better than Neku _always_ needing a shower afterward, though.) And Neku should probably check in with his family at some point ….

Ugh. He’s glad they’re covering his school fees – the better to show their generosity and keep from having raised a NEET – but that’s a whole other can of worms he’d rather not deal with. Maybe he can ask Joshua to convince them he’s visited and they’re satisfied with him. (Haha, no. He’s not serious, and it’d take more than mind control to get _that_ to happen. Besides, sometimes it’s better to be a disappointment.)

Hell, maybe he can get them to think he’s dead. He wouldn’t even be lying.

(That was also a joke.)

He makes his way to the park for the relative quiet, if nothing else, and absently longs for when he could talk to Mr H about this stuff. He wasn’t any more reliable then, Neku suspects, but at least the mere thought of him didn’t leave a sour note in his mouth. He wants somewhere to run to ground, some security he can’t describe, but … there aren’t many options like that for him anymore. 

He really, seriously needs to make some amends, but he doesn’t _want_ to right now. He just wants … he doesn’t know what he wants. 

Joshua’s laugh floats on the wind, and he senses the faintest suggestion of the composer’s power. He could keep himself out of it, he knows, but Joshua means well and Neku accepts the gift in the spirit it’s offered. `Sometimes this is easier,` he admits, and Neku’s vantage point drops as he scurries up a tree. 

It isn’t his Noise form. Neku knows this instinctively: Noise devote their full strength to combat, while this is for comfort if nothing else. Neku nimbly scurries up a tree, his tail counterbalancing him naturally if unfamiliarly, and upsets a few roosting birds in his search for a comfortable perch. A knothole or a box would be best, he suspects, but this is good, too. Plenty of people to watch around here, and Joshua ruffles his mane.

Tamarins like deep old growth forests, which this certainly isn’t, but that doesn’t seem to matter to him. For all that Joshua is the composer, this is Neku’s Shibuya and hopefully always will be.

`You should see your friends,` Joshua says, though he doesn’t materialise. Neku nods absently, and he has the weirdest sensation of Joshua rooting through the pockets Neku doesn’t actually _have_ right now before being bopped on the head with his cellphone.

 _Thanks, Josh,_ he thinks as he grabs it and fumbles with it inexpertly. His hands are way too small right now, but shifting back to human seems like too much work.

He’s a reaper, isn’t he? And he could use psychokinesis even as a Player. (What he actually _did_ with it isn’t something he should think about now, though. It’s over and done with and Shiki’s forgiven him for it. It’s _okay,_ or as okay as it’ll ever be.) This shit is _hard_ without a pin to focus through, though, and Joshua doesn’t help him as he tries to get the phone to hold itself up. Neku chitters in frustration and – ah, that did it.

Sound. _Music_. He should be used to this by now.

` Im back in Shibuya for the next few days,` he types. `Do you want to hang out?` His hand hovers over the recipient, but he sends it anyway. He’s got to talk to Shiki sometime, and … it’ll be okay. He reaches down and pulls his tail up to stroke it, and it’s – it’s nice. Soft.

`ok. where @?` she replies, and he sends her a description of his current spot. He should probably figure out how to change back, but it’s _nice_ feeling tall. He scrambles to the top of his tree, hissing at a crow who’s a bit closer than he’d like, then carefully leaps to another branch.

He still has wings, he realises, though they’re hidden at the moment. Still, though, he feels them catch the air as the thoughts of the passersby reverberate through. Nothing unusual, and Shibuya’s wrapped around him enough to keep anyone unconnected to the Game from seeing him, but he grimaces at a couple making out in the park.

They aren’t even that into it, just two teenagers macking on people they can tolerate, and Neku’s tempted to send them something rude. There’s no point, though, and they’re having fun without hurting anyone right now. Not his problem if it isn’t true love, just bored lust.

What Neku had with Beat was better than that, though. Beat’s a good guy, kind and determined and sensitive, and he deserves someone who’d appreciate him. Neku’d thought they were a good match … and maybe he wasn’t wrong, either. Everything he’d loved Beat for, he still loves him for. It’s just … Beat couldn’t deal with this.

Shiki might not either, Neku knows, and he fidgets as he hears her come close. She’d prefer him human again, he suspects, but maybe he can show her the good parts. 

`Look up,` he tells her, and again with Joshua’s correction so she’d know it’s him. She does, bemused, and he leaps down to the ground, staying small and furry long enough for it to register, before he sends Joshua a mental nudge and is returned to his human form. “Hey, Shiki,” he says, and he smiles like it was nothing unusual.

“Neku?” she says uneasily, and he nods. “I thought I saw ….”

“I have a Noise form now,” he explains, and she furrows her brow. “Some stuff happened, and it was kind of a mess, but … the monkey shape’s pretty cool,” he adds, and he feels like a fucking loser. Joshua’s approach was _way_ less embarrassing.

“Noise?” she echoes, and his face falls. Probably not the best way to put it – “I heard about you and Beat, but ….”

Fuck, he’d hoped Beat hadn’t told her. It’s not a surprise, but he wanted to be the one to break that particular news: she was Neku’s friend first. “Joshua killed me again,” he says quickly, because otherwise it won’t get out at all. “It was an accident and he _really_ didn’t mean it, but it happened and I’m kind of a reaper now.”

 _What,_ he hears her think, and he scratches his neck awkwardly as he lets that sink in. “You’re dead?” she says blankly. “Neku, you –”

“It was an accident,” he repeats. “Don’t get too mad at him about it; he didn’t mean it and I’m **really** sorry Mr H was an ass to you and that I didn’t say anything. That was wrong and you deserve better than that.”

She nods along slightly – she really _does_ deserve better than that, and she’s glad of his apology, but only in a background sort of way and he winces at the outburst to come. “He killed you again?” she repeats, and he rubs his face. “The composer killed you again, and you’re – you’re a **reaper** now?”

“It wasn’t his fault,” he says weakly, and he wishes he’d kept her out of the loop, no matter that it never goes right. “He’s willing to fix it as soon as he can fit it in the budget,” and never mind that Neku isn’t sure he wants him to.

She’s still thinking, and it’s hard to leave her to it but he’s got to. He really fucking hopes Joshua knows to keep him from doing anything he might regret. “Was this before or after Beat broke up with you?” she says, biting her lip, and his silence is probably enough answer, because she continues: “I’m going to kill him.”

“Shiki, it’s **not that big a deal,** ” he blurts out, and oh, fuck, he’s upset her. “I’m fine! Look, I’m right here, and I’m fine!”

 ** _“You’re dead,”_** she snaps, and okay, yes, he is, but it still isn’t a big deal! “Neku, you died! You agreed to be his conductor and then you _died, Neku!_ ”

“I wanted to!” he yells back, and she goes still. He feels Joshua going tense, too, at the edges of his mind, so he takes a deep breath and continues: “Okay, I didn’t think it was gonna be this early or anything, but Josh hasn’t been pushing me into anything, and it’s **okay,** Shiki. I can get my degree just fine as a reaper, promise.”

 ** _But you’re dead,_** she thinks loudly enough she might as well be shouting, and if there was ever a time to tell her he’s been scanning people, this isn’t it. “Neku, I can’t believe you’re so calm about this!”

“Because it isn’t a big deal!”

**_“You died!”_ **

Yes! He did! He knows that! “Look, if you’re going to be like this about it, can you at least not tell Beat?” he snaps back, losing his patience. “He gets really tetchy about reaper things and he’d take it the wrong way.”

“And what way should he be taking it?!” she yells, but oh god they’re in public and they’re shouting and they realise this at the same time, flushing and leaning forward in shame. “Fine, Neku, _you_ can tell him, but you’d better actually tell him! You have been keeping **too many** secrets from all of us and we care about you, you know!”

“Well, _fine!_ ” He **will** tell Beat, _and_ he’ll make sure he understands it properly, and that will show her!

“Well, good!” she snaps, and he’s tempted to storm off, and he knows **she’s** tempted to storm off, but neither of them want to back down and the air crackles and –

“May I?” Joshua says, stepping out from behind a tree, and both of them turn on him in silent fury.

He’s trying to force them both calm, Neku senses, but Shiki takes two looks at him and punches him in the face. Joshua’s expression doesn’t even change, the fucker, though he reaches up to feel his cheek and he lifts his shoulders slightly. “I suppose I deserved that,” he says, and Neku kind of wants to punch him, too.

“Fix him,” Shiki snaps, her finger pointed at Neku. “We didn’t go through the Game for you to do this on one of your sick whims.”

Neku snorts, his wings unfolding as he lifts his shoulders, and Joshua pushes his hair out of his eyes. “He doesn’t want me to,” Joshua says neutrally. “Miss Misaki, I’ve already made it _quite_ clear to my dear Neku that he’ll be human again the moment he asks. Kindly do not press him on this; he’ll decide these things in his own time.”

Shiki’s lip curls, and Neku stiffens. “And I’m sure you haven’t influenced him at _all,_ ” she says, and even if she couldn’t be a composer, Neku’d love to see her with all the power a reaper can bring to bear.

Joshua’s completely unruffled, though, just as he always is, and Neku feels the ghost of his hand on his shoulder. “I have my biases,” he says. “I’ve never pretended not to. His decisions remain his own, however.”

 _Like hell,_ Shiki thinks, strongly enough for Neku to hear it loud and clear, and he’s weirdly glad Joshua showed up to defend him. Neku can make his own choices. Nobody else has to like them. “You killed him,” Shiki says flatly. “You killed him and he’s _still_ defending you.”

It sounds so bad when she puts it like that. “I did,” Joshua says, still neutral. “It truly _wasn’t_ my intention, mind you, but I’ve offered to set things right. Would you have me revive him against his stated interests?”

“Yes, actually,” she snaps, and Neku glowers. “Do you seriously think he’d’ve agreed to this a week ago?”

“I’m right here,” Neku interjects. “What does it matter what I’d’ve done a week ago?” So much has changed since then; he doesn’t fucking care anymore.

Joshua sighs. “Regardless, my beloved conductor is hardly likely to change his mind if you force the issue,” he says, and Shiki wrinkles her brow at the title. “I appreciate your concern, but you would have much greater success if you wait for him to reach his own conclusions. As it is, he’ll like as not remain a reaper longer out of spite.”

Neku rolls his eyes. “I’m still right here,” he says, waving his hand in front of Joshua’s face, and Joshua headbutts him lightly. “And you’re wrong, anyway: I actually kind of like being a reaper.”

“Case in point.” Neku flips him off.

Shiki bites her lip. “You might be right,” she concedes, glancing at the two of them. “I still don’t trust you, though.”

“And yet you live in my city,” he replies, voice clipped, and Neku backs away from him. “If I had meant you or your friends any harm, I’ve had plenty of opportunity.”

That’s going a bit far. “Joshua,” Neku says, warningly.

“My apologies,” he says, mocking. “Simply providing some food for thought.” Neku’s gaze hardens, and Joshua bows slightly. “I’ll take my leave,” he adds, and vanishes.

Shiki and Neku both watch where he’d been for a moment, then sigh in unison. “Sorry about him,” Neku says. “He does this thing where he opens his mouth and words come out.”

She inhales deeply and closes her eyes. “I don’t understand why you’re dating him,” she says frankly. “Beat doesn’t, either. It was one thing when it wasn’t serious, even with him – things keep escalating, Neku, and I’m scared. You _died,_ Neku, and maybe that – maybe that isn’t too big of a deal to you or him, but what does he want from you? What does he expect you to give? He’s the _composer,_ Neku, and he isn’t – he isn’t –”

He’s not safe; he’s not worth it. Neku doesn’t need to scan her to know what she means. “He wants to be my friend,” Neku says simply, finding a spot to sit. “That’s all, really, and he’s – he doesn’t know many people. He’s lonely – like, _really_ lonely – and he wants somebody to talk to who knows what he does and cares about him as a person. And that’s – that’s me, I guess.”

That’s not all it is, and it does Joshua a disservice to say so, but it’s not wrong, either. “So why you?” Shiki says, and Neku shrugs.

“He likes me,” he says, “and I like him. He’s funny, and smart, and he cares about people, even if he comes off as a _total jerk_ at times, and he really isn’t a bad guy.”

Shiki’s face scrunches up. “Neku,” she says slowly, like he’s a child, “he kills people.”

“They’re already dead,” Neku says quietly. “I don’t expect you to agree with it, but he’s got a tough job that somebody’s got to do if _anyone_ is going to come back to life. And I … I can help him with it, if I want to.”

But why would he want to? That’s what Shiki doesn’t understand, and Neku … Neku isn’t sure he knows, either. Because he can; because Joshua asked; because he knows he could do it well. “You’re right, Neku,” she says eventually. “I _don’t_ agree with it.”

Neku slumps. He knew this would happen, but still, he hoped. “I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree, then,” he says, and it’s an ending of a sort. They might still be friends, yeah, but … it’ll be different after this.

And Shiki’s realising that, too, that there’s no middle ground here. “I guess so,” she murmurs, and he kind of wants to run off and cry somewhere.

He shouldn’t, though, and Joshua sends him a bit of goodwill. Just because they’ve got a rift they can’t repair doesn’t mean they need to burn the bridge over it, and he awkwardly tries to change the subject. Asking her how she’s been doing, and how Eri’s doing, and even if it’s not better and they aren’t ever going to be the same, at least there’s still a ‘them’.

Dropping a topic stings – it feels like lying, to stop a conversation before they’ve reached an agreement, but he knows damn well they aren’t going to – and Shiki’s awkward in reply, too, but he feels better about it. He’s done what he can.

And when they part ways, he makes his way back to Joshua’s place without incident and flops onto the couch, face down.

“I hate everything,” he informs the cushion, but Joshua simply buries him under some pillows and leaves him to his misery.

C’est la vie.


	20. Chapter 20

Neku still doesn’t know why a dead guy knows how to cook.

Correction: he knows why _this_ dead guy can cook, and he can guess for some of the reapers, but why does Joshua know how? He doesn’t need to eat. Honestly, the food-free life sounds kind of appealing. No hunger, no dirt, no _taxes_ ….

“We do still have taxes, I’m afraid,” Joshua says, and Neku glowers up at him. Jerk’s got a Kiss the Cook apron on, and it’s the clichest damn thing. The bowl of noodles doesn’t help.

“I’m not hungry,” Neku informs him, but it comes out as “I’m not mrrpfhh –” as Joshua expertly shoves some noodles into his mouth and Neku nearly bites the chopsticks. It’s chew or choke, and Neku grumpily forces it down as he takes the bowl from him.

Not bad. Not the best he’s had, but not bad, and Joshua brightens at the praise.

Joshua daintily sits down on the other couch, eating some of his own ramen with bland disinterest, and Neku deigns to sit up properly. None of this was how he’d wanted to spend a Friday night, but he’s on break. He’s on break and he’s talked to Shiki and it sucked but it’s over with. If she doesn’t agree, she doesn’t agree. He’d rather they still be on good terms, but … they don’t need to keep that friendship going for it to have been important.

Things change. People change. He’s probably always going to look up to her a little, even if she doesn’t approve of what he’s been doing. It happens.

“Knowing that doesn’t make it easier,” Joshua murmurs, and Neku nods. He feels like shit, and Joshua – Joshua’s help kind of sucked. It might have been better than nothing, but it still really fucking sucked and Neku can’t shake the feeling he could’ve done something differently. Or that it’s all Joshua’s fault, and either way, he’s just apportioning blame where it doesn’t belong.

Shiki is who she is. Nothing has to have been wrong for she and Neku to drift apart. These things just … they just happen sometimes. And there isn’t always something you can do about it.

Neku’s face is wet.

He wipes at his eyes and Joshua looks up at him. “Eat,” he says softly, and as much as Neku’d like to spite him, he has a point. Food won’t fix anything, but at least he’ll have eaten.

“I wish I hadn’t told her anything,” Neku says. “It’s terrible, and I _know_ it’s terrible, but still – I keep feeling like _if only I’d lied better,_ this wouldn’t have happened.”

“You wouldn’t have been happy,” Joshua says, and he’s right. What good is a friendship based on lies?

It’s still a friendship, though. “Yeah,” he concedes. “I know that, and I know it’s better this way, but still, I feel like there was _something_ I could’ve done. Some way I could’ve broken it to her, something.”

“Not that I know of,” Joshua admits, and Neku knows he’d cheated for that. Damn mind reader. “She hates the UG. Most people do.”

“I don’t,” Neku says honestly, like it means anything, and Joshua smiles. It means something to him, at least.

Of course it does: Joshua _is_ the UG. Shiki was never going to like him, and it’s hard enough staying friends with Shiki when Neku hates Eri without her also hating Joshua. Loving your friends doesn’t make it any easier when you loathe the people important to them, and Neku viciously burrows his face in his bowl to keep Joshua from seeing his expression.

He’s going to have to reach some kind of understanding with Hanekoma. Maybe not immediately, but it’ll be worse the longer he puts it off and it’s not fair to either Joshua or himself for them to be on eggshells all the time about him. Hanekoma might be a total fucking asshole, but he cares about Joshua in his own shitty way, and even if it’s just for how Joshua can best serve Shibuya … that’s one of Joshua’s priorities, too.

There’s common ground. There has to be. They just need to find it.

And Joshua’s watching him, alert. “I owe Sanae a great deal,” he warns him. “I don’t expect you to trust him, but you can trust that everything he does, he does for Shibuya’s sake.”

“Or for his own,” Neku has to say, but Joshua shakes his head.

“He isn’t infallible, but even when he acts selfishly, he _believes_ it’s for Shibuya, do you see?” he says, stirring his noodles. “Convince him of your loyalty to my district, and he’ll put his personal preferences aside. So long as you frame your studies as improving your skills to spread Shibuya’s influence, he’ll warm back up to you, in the end.”

Neku curls his lip. Overt manipulation _really_ isn’t his thing, but he also can’t afford to fuck this up. “Does he know you’d tell me this?” he says eventually.

“Of course,” Joshua replies. “He’ll know if you’re lying, also, but it’s hardly lying to pick the phrasing to appeal to your audience. He’ll appreciate the effort, if nothing else.”

It’s still manipulation. Why can’t he just stick to the truth? … because Hanekoma doesn’t _respect_ the truth. “I don’t like it,” he says, even as he thinks of what Hanekoma _does_ respect.

“You don’t have to like it,” Joshua says. “Sanae wants to like you; I’m simply informing you of what would make that easier. It doesn’t matter if your reasons and the reasons you tell him are the same, so long as they’re true. Sanae is much more likely to be swayed by explaining how what you want to do benefits my district than by anything else you might say to him.”

And Joshua probably thinks like this about Neku, too. Neku shivers and shoves more noodles in his mouth.

Joshua slides back into his seat and sighs. “I know what I want and how to get it, Neku,” he says. “I’m sorry that bothers you.”

“I just wish you were ever straightforward,” Neku mutters. It’d be so much easier to trust him if there wasn’t always this undercurrent of _what’s he trying to get from this._ Even if Neku knows it isn’t anything bad and Joshua would tell him if he asked. He still can’t stop from wondering.

He mentally reaches out to get a read of him, but Joshua isn’t offended. He even leans into it, and the sound of the city he wears as a cloak overwhelms Neku for a moment, before Joshua pulls him close and under his wing. Still not physically, but it doesn’t need to be physical to still be true.

Joshua sets his bowl down and stands up, eyeing Neku’s couch until he slides over to make room so he can sit down. Neku frowns at him for a moment, then puts his own bowl on the table and pulls him close. “I’m sorry, Neku,” Joshua murmurs, and Neku pets his hair. “I understand how you think, but I haven’t lied to you. Well, not recently, anyway.”

 _Not recently?_ Neku mouths, but Joshua just chuckles. “How do I think, then?” he says instead, and Joshua leans on him.

“You’re stubborn,” Joshua says, “and often contrary, especially if you feel like you aren’t being listened to. You’re at your best when you’ve someone to prove wrong, you know.”

And that seems like it should be an insult, but Joshua’s bursting with earnest pride. “So what would you do if you wanted something from me?” he says, smiling a little.

Joshua hums, pretending to think about it. “Act like I think it’s too difficult for you, or feign reluctance, so you put all your energy and spite into it, I suppose,” he says lightly. “But you knew that already, of course.”

Did he? … hell, it’s the second week all over again. “You seriously are the biggest jerk I know,” Neku informs him, but Joshua simply presses closer. “You _haven’t_ been doing that,” Neku realises, and Joshua relaxes as Neku keeps up the petting.

“You’d hate me when you realised,” Joshua replies absently, “which was the point at the time. Now, it’s easier to lay it out for you and let you draw conclusions in your own time. Which is a ploy in its own, I suppose.”

Manipulation through honesty. Of course. Neku snorts. “Yeah, people tend to like you more when you treat them with respect,” he says, and Joshua nods fractionally.

“Is it still respect when it’s out of self-interest?” Joshua asks, and Neku doesn’t know. “Miss Misaki isn’t wrong, though she lacks tact: I’m exceedingly dangerous, and though I – I don’t want you to –” He falls silent, and Neku pulls him into a hug.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Neku says, and Joshua _clings_. He’s absolutely terrified – Neku doesn’t need to scan him to know _that_ – and Neku might’ve just fought with one of his friends, but Joshua must’ve known the whole time that Neku could’ve resolved it by telling him to revive him and then go fuck himself. And Neku might not be going to do that, but knowing that and believing it are two separate things.

“I’m sorry,” Joshua says again, burying his head into Neku’s chest. “You’re – you’re the one who had a bad day, and I shouldn’t –”

Neku shushes him. “I don’t have a monopoly on feeling like shit,” he says, and Joshua shudders as Neku pats him on the back, then quickly moves his hands down past where his wings go. “I know it might be easier if I did, but I’m not going anywhere, Joshua. Trust your partner, right?”

“I trust you, Neku,” he mumbles into Neku’s shirt, “but they’re your partners, too.” And Joshua knows bone-deep there’s no way he can outweigh _both_ of them.

And he doesn’t. Neku kisses the back of Joshua’s neck, and Joshua jerks up. “And I trust them, too,” Neku says, “but they aren’t trusting me right now, and I’m still not going to ditch you, okay? And they’ll find out later that I was _right_ to stick by you, so you don’t need to worry.”

Joshua grunts acknowledgement, then pulls back to see Neku’s face. “My Neku has a vengeful streak, I see,” he says with pride, and Neku smiles at him.

“Spite’s a powerful motivator,” he replies, and Joshua rests his forehead against Neku’s chest. “And my _Joshua_ has taught me a bit about getting things done.”

“So I did,” Joshua acknowledges, and he tilts his head up to kiss Neku’s neck. `I love you, Neku,` he says, and Neku squeezes his waist to stave off some of Joshua’s desperation.

He’s so, so scared, and Neku’s completely drained, and there isn’t any way to fix this, really. Not without leaving Joshua alone to crash by himself, and Neku can’t do that when he’s trying so hard to pull himself together. It wouldn’t be right.

`Neku, my love,` Joshua says fervently, `you would hardly be the first to prioritise your happiness over someone else's, and there is nothing wrong with doing so. I am grateful beyond words, but there would be no shame in listening to your living friends, nor should there be. But -- _thank you,_ Neku, so much more than I can say.`

“Then don’t say it,” Neku replies, and Joshua laughs.

“Very well,” he says, and that’s all the warning Neku gets before Joshua’s face crashes into Neku’s own as he pushes Neku down onto the couch. It isn’t a good kiss, Joshua’s selective intangibility the only thing keeping their teeth from clinking together, but Joshua’s enthusiastic and Neku welcomes him.

He’s such a dork. Joshua might be the friendly neighborhood god of the dead, but as he laughs into Neku’s mouth and wiggles his tongue in relief, Neku can’t help but remember this is also the guy who’s conversational about a kid’s show. Neku just can’t be scared of him, not really.

Joshua’s hands venture up Neku’s shirt, and Neku’s tempted to do likewise, only the damn apron is in the way. Maybe he can just untie it – hell, what kinds of knots does he even _use?!_

“Oops,” Joshua says insincerely, phasing through it so Neku can pull it off him. “I enjoyed braiding it together too much to remember your restrictions.”

“Just don’t do that to my shoelaces,” Neku growls, and Joshua turns thoughtful. He _really_ shouldn’t be giving him ideas.

Joshua grins and stands up as Neku whines. No, move **closer.** “Imagine telling people Shibuya’s composer ties your shoelaces together. A true menace.”

“You might trip _everybody,_ ” Neku says, and it is pretty ridiculous, put like that. Oh no, Joshua really is dangerous and untrustworthy and all sorts of other things besides. 

Joshua pulls his shirt off with a flourish, and Neku’s kind of jealous even as he scrambles to remove his own. He bites his lip, not sure if Joshua wants his pants off, too, but Joshua instead gestures to the bathroom gallantly. “I’ve no objection to my city’s dirt,” he says, “but I suspect you might.”

Neku nods, ears warming. “Yeah,” he manages, and he scarfs down the rest of his forgotten noodles before hurrying along.

He half-expects Joshua to be planning shower sex, but as soon as Neku’s nude and washing and Joshua slides in, he realizes how bad of an idea that would be. It’s cramped enough just standing there; there’s no way fucking in it would be comfortable.

“Here, let me,” Joshua says, and Neku turns around on his indication as Joshua starts massaging his scalp and Neku’s legs turn to jelly. It’s alarmingly intimate, even as Joshua is businesslike about removing Neku’s hair product, and Neku swallows before reminding himself to clean off. 

Someone else’s fingers in his hair. No _wonder_ Joshua likes being pet so much: Neku groans as he presses into it, and he wonders if Joshua’s floating or working without mundane vision as he carefully cleans his bangs.

“Just fuck me already,” Neku says, suddenly wishing Joshua would massage his back, too, and he hears a familiar chuckle as Joshua presses against him and daintily grips his cock. Neku looks down, Joshua’s delicate fingers beautiful against him, and Joshua takes the opportunity to rest his chin on Neku’s shoulder.

“You’re a good boy,” Joshua murmurs as he jerks him off. “ _Such_ a good boy, and I’m grateful for each day you decide to spend with me, Neku, my love. You don’t know how I –” and he cuts himself off, self-conscious even as he continues with the sweet nothings as Neku appreciates the contact and lets him take care of it.

Neku kind of wishes it was more than a handjob, but it’s nice all the same, the water rushing over them as Joshua holds him close, rumbling with contentment. And when Neku comes, Joshua holds him there for a moment, placing a kiss at the top of Neku’s spine. “I love you,” he says, and Neku nods.

“Yeah,” Neku responds, and he’s left with the impression of Joshua’s wan smile as he fades out, leaving Neku to finish by himself. He takes his time drying off, fluffing up his hair and leaving it in its natural state, and he makes faces at an unamused pufferfish before slipping into the outfit Joshua had left for him.

It’s one of the ones Neku had packed, a tattered jacket to go with a punk dress, and Neku peruses Joshua’s cabinets to find a cute ponytail holder. His hair isn’t really long enough for it, but even so, Neku looks nice. He makes a few faces in the mirror, noting that Joshua’d repaired the wall since his tantrum, then heads back out to the lounge.

Joshua’s sprawled over a couch, wings out as he wears only the slacks he’d had, and Neku stares at him accusingly. “You wore those in the shower,” he says, and Joshua inclines an eyebrow.

“Should I not have?” he replies, and Neku snorts.

“Guess it doesn’t matter if it’s you,” he mutters, and he storms off to look at the jukebox. It’s responsive enough, and Neku hears the faint hum of power that must be Joshua working as Neku puts together a playlist. There isn’t really all that much to do here, but that’s all right. Once he’s got some music on, Neku goes off to grab his sketchbook and get some work done himself. The semester might be over, but that’s no excuse to let himself fall out of practice.

For his part, Joshua doesn’t interrupt, though there’s even odds if he’s still there whenever Neku looks back over at him. His wings twitch like he senses him regardless; Neku supposes he’s probably just slipping past his visual perception.

Joshua doesn’t really need a body. It’s weird to think of what that might mean. Neku didn’t spend long where all Shibuya is soul and imagination, but he remembers that glimpse, and Joshua …

They aren’t even the same order of being. Who does Neku even think he is, trying to be friends with him like that? Neku’s just a human boy. Or, well, nearly human.

`I love you,` Joshua says quietly, and Neku’s shoulders hunch up as he buries himself back in his sketchbook. Maybe he does, but it’s – strange.

They don’t have the same experiences, the same values. They don’t even live on the same plane. But then, Joshua’s alone on his frequency. It’s just him and Hanekoma, and Hanekoma is … Neku’s lip curls in distaste.

`Sanae's as high above me as I was above Megumi,` Joshua says. `Composers are always alone in the end, though I suspect you might end up in the same key as me. If you wish to, that is.`

Neku grunts. “I like my body,” he says, and Joshua sends him a sad note of acknowledgement. He thought as much, though he wished it were otherwise.

He fades back into view, and Neku looks up. The composer in all their glory, light crackling over their regal androgyny, but even godhood can’t dispel nervousness. “I thought seeing you with wings would be one of the most beautiful things I’d ever see,” Joshua confesses in his own voice, though Neku hears the static and city-noise under it, “and it is, truly, but I cannot help but feel as though I’m wronging you by letting you stay one of my reapers. My city is a glorious one, but … but you are young, and it is not for the likes of me to stifle you so.”

Neku stands up. Walks over to the composer, and pulls their face close. “You’ve made it very clear I have an out,” he tells them, and carefully leans forward to give them a kiss. The contact burns, and Neku can sense them watching for signs of corrosion, but Neku thinks he’s fine. For now, anyway.

The composer chuckles, and their breath tastes of smog and the city. Well, they _are_ Shibuya, and Neku doesn’t mind. He’s tempted to try squeezing their ass, too, but the composer grabs his hand as soon as the thought crosses his mind. “You cling to life too much to court me, young conductor,” they say, and Neku snatches his hand back. There’s an ashen hand print where the composer had touched him, and he sees a flash of wings before they settle down back into Joshua.

“Josh,” Neku says quietly, and he watches Joshua brush himself off. 

“Neku,” he says back. Neku rubs at his face, mindful of the soot from their kiss. “Shibuya would erase me for a chance at you, did you know?”

He grimaces. “I wouldn’t make a good composer,” he says honestly. “You’re much better at it.”

Joshua flexes his wings, turning so Neku can see their pristine iridescence. “Shibuya would teach you, mould you into its own image, just as every district has done to its composer. We have our own wills and selves, to be sure, but by the time we approach retirement, we’re a composite of what our districts wanted around a frail human core. And I am – dated.”

“Maybe you just need a reboot,” he replies, not sure what else to say. “Reinvent yourself, keep up with the times. Get a good computer.”

Joshua’s wings flutter as he watches the fish swimming, his back to Neku. “Easier said than done,” he says, “even the last: the UG hasn’t worked out internet service yet. Neku?”

“Yeah?”

“Why are you here?”

What kind of question is _that?_ “I like you, doofus,” he says, and Joshua just looks at him. “Even when you’re being mopey.”

“I have nothing to offer you,” he murmurs. “My power, my knowledge – you don’t need any of it, and there’s nothing you can get from me that you couldn’t get elsewhere. Why are you here, Neku?”

He shuffles, his own wings solidifying. “Because I like _you,_ ” he says simply. “I could make other friends, sure, and some of them might even have some of your interests or sense of humor, but they still wouldn’t be you, Josh.”

Joshua stares at him a moment longer, then vanishes with the rustle of his feathers. `I don't need your pity,` he snarls, but pity isn’t what he’s offering. There’s no point telling him that right now, though.

“Suit yourself,” he says instead. “I’m not going anywhere.”

* * *

Neku’s packed up his work and dozed off by the time Joshua returns, a hangdog look on his face. “I’m sorry,” Joshua says miserably, but Neku wasn’t even mad.

“Rough day for both of us, huh,” he says, and Joshua nods faintly. 

“I shouldn’t have made it worse,” he says, and Neku throws a cushion at him.

“Chill. I’m not mad, okay?” Neither of them are that good with emotions; Neku isn’t exactly going to hold a grudge when Joshua hadn’t even done anything. “So, you rather I sleep on the couch or with you?”

He shrugs, artfully tossing the pillow back on the couch. “I’d assumed I’d work through the night, as usual, but it’s your decision.”

“Take me to bed,” Neku commands, holding his arm out in a grand gesture. Joshua sighs and picks him up, settling him onto his shoulders as Neku marvels at the high ceiling and Joshua’s strength. He’s so much smaller than Neku, but Neku supposes he can levitate him enough for it to work. “What do you even _do_ at night?”

Joshua bounces him as he walks to his bedroom without a care. “Send enlightening dreams, mostly,” he says. “It’s hardly vital work, but flashes of inspiration take differently depending on when I send them, and it’s a low energy activity.”

“But you sleep sometimes, right?” he presses. 

Joshua hums and deposits him onto his bed. The facsimile of the sky is cloudy tonight, but Neku’s alright with that. “You could call it that,” he concedes. “I don’t dream or anything, if that’s what you’re wondering. It isn’t efficient to support a composer while most of my city is asleep, so if I’ve nothing else pressing, I – hibernate, I suppose. Go into torpor, more accurately, and I would do the same if we ran over budget.”

Neku mulls that over. “So, like sleep mode?” he guesses, and Joshua shrugs. “Shutting down some stuff to save battery power?”

“Yes, I suppose,” he says, moving a pillow so he can lie on Neku’s lap, wings out. “Pet me,” he commands, and Neku pushes him off.

“Going to get changed first.” Joshua groans in dismay and hands him a set of pyjamas, and Neku changes hurriedly, stifling a yawn. Joshua teleports Neku’s clothes away – back to where he’d packed them, he supposes – as Neku clambers into bed, and the moment he’s settled back down, Joshua flops onto him.

“Pet me,” he says again, and Neku rolls his eyes. He’s kind of tired, actually, but he sleepily gropes around for Joshua’s wings and flinches at the spark of power when he grips the feathers. It doesn’t hurt, though, and Joshua lets out a relaxed sigh as Neku preens him.

He’s so pushy, and Neku slides him off so he can turn onto his side. Joshua’s unperturbed, though, just curling up so Neku _still_ gets a face-full of feathers, and Neku feels his own wings twitch in anticipation, never mind that they aren’t visible. Joshua’s just so _happy,_ completely without a thought in his head past _Neku Neku Neku I love Neku,_ and he’s jealous.

It can’t be safe to leave your soul in the hands of someone else, trusting them not to hurt or use you, but leaving Neku with that total control makes him so happy sometimes and Neku kind of wants to try it someday.

“You’re doing just fine,” Neku tells him, and Joshua’s mind is blank for a moment, no room for anything but Neku’s approval. “There isn’t anyone I’d rather have as composer,” he adds, burying his fingers into the feathers on Joshua’s back, and Joshua sighs in contentment.

He’s tired; he’s honestly kind of exhausted; but he keeps stroking him for as long as he can remember and doesn’t move his hand away as he dozes off. And even with Neku half asleep, just the contact keeps Joshua projecting a warm assurance, and it’s wonderful.

Joshua might not be the best choice for Neku, but he makes Neku happy. There are worse things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shower sex and handjobs :V
> 
> TT_TT Sorry about forgetting to update last night! For the record, I totally don't mind if midnight EST rolls around and someone goes "hey, surskitty! post the thing!" Hopefully I won't forget again, though. Ehehehe!


	21. Chapter 21

Neku wakes up slowly, secure in the knowledge he’s on break. It’s not his bed, but Joshua’s is familiar enough by now and he’s vaguely aware of his presence. He pulls himself up and looks around, not really expecting to see Joshua, but there he is at arm’s length, sitting at a makeshift desk and doodling on paperwork.

“Morning,” Neku says groggily, and Joshua perks up.

“I took the liberty of letting you rest,” he says, “though I expect it’s still earlier than your preferences.”

Any time before noon’s too soon, and Joshua tends to wake him up painfully bright and early. “Do you ever sleep in?” Neku says, rubbing his face.

“And let the Noise from my citizenry’s hangovers have a few hours of free rein?” he replies, scandalized, and Neku shrugs. 

“A composer’s work is never done, huh.”

“Indeed.”

What a pain, but at least Joshua is used to it. Neku’ll pass, though. Both the hangovers and the handling thereof. It’s not his problem, and alcohol doesn’t even taste that good to make up for it. “What time is it?” he says, and Joshua passes him his phone. Eight in the morning. Not too bad. Still earlier than he’d like, but at least he got some sleep in this time.

“I have work to do, as always,” Joshua says sadly, but Neku expected no less. “If you need my assistance for anything, however, feel free to ask.”

Neku doesn’t _think_ he needs anything, but he’ll keep that in mind. “I need to stop by home sometime,” he says, and Joshua’s lips tighten into a scowl. “They probably want to hear I haven’t been squandering their money.”

“You’ll never be good enough for them, you know,” Joshua says quietly. “They’ll only expect you to take their abuse and give nothing in return.”

He wants so much to argue about it – _they’re not that bad, really_ – but he’s had the same thoughts sometimes. Helping Beat and Rhyme with their family’s given him some perspective on his own, but it’s different when someone else says it. “They’re paying my tuition,” he says instead. “I kind of have to stay on their good side.”

“They’ll suck you dry if you give them the chance,” he mutters, returning to his paperwork with a restrained fury, but he doesn’t continue arguing. “Give me a few hours to work on them, if you don’t mind. I still wish you wouldn’t, but I’d rather you not be roped into things you’d regret.”

“They’re my family,” he says, like it means anything, then nods. “Go ahead; I trust your judgement.”

“… thank you,” Joshua says, hiding his face, and it’s strange how choked up he gets by the little things. 

Hell. _Little things,_ like Neku agreeing to let him mind control them or whatever the hell he’s planning. Imprint enough into their heads over the course of a day to put them in a mood where Neku’ll have an easier time getting away. Even knowing it’s his job doesn’t make it less terrifying. 

Joshua could be so, so dangerous, and just because Neku trusts him doesn’t mean he’s still not wary of him. And Joshua … Joshua knows that, and just because he doesn’t take insult doesn’t mean he’s not hurt. 

Trust. Neku’s has limits; it just does; and just because Neku knows _why_ doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to reciprocate Joshua’s endless regard. Joshua thinks Neku can hold the world on his shoulders. Neku thinks Joshua means well. 

It’s a heavy burden. 

“Neku?” Joshua says, a bit hesitant.

“Yeah?”

He sets his work aside and turns to look at him, face impassive. “I have something to tell you,” he says.

Well, clearly. “… Yeah?”

“A lot of the people who have hurt you … I don’t like them very much,” he confesses, and that’s a bit of an understatement. “And I – I really _shouldn’t_ have done this, but it was so tempting ….”

Oh, _hell._ “What did you do?”

He scratches his neck and looks up at the ceiling. “Every baked good your family has bought has gone stale within hours,” he states. “They have yet to catch a light blue. Their shoelaces just _will not_ remain tied. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.”

Neku stares at him.

“And they aren’t the only ones, I’m afraid,” he adds, embarrassed. “I’ve been getting revenge on many of the people who’ve been needlessly cruel to you and your friends, whenever I doubt it would prompt retaliation on others. It’s no good if they then take it out on a service worker, after all.”

Neku keeps staring.

Joshua tries very hard not to squirm.

“You magnificent bastard,” Neku says finally, and starts laughing. After a moment, Joshua starts laughing, too. God, what the hell. He was half-expecting Joshua to say something awful, not – not _that_.

Neku’s got an avenging angel.

Neku’s got an avenging angel who’s the pettiest, most irritating being Neku has ever had the misfortune to meet, and Neku kind of loves him.

“Don’t ever tell me this again,” he adds, “because I’d probably have to tell you to stop, but that’s incredible, Josh. I’m going to carry that in my heart forever.”

Joshua leans back, so self-satisfied. “I live to serve,” he says comfortably, then stops. “Well, not _live,_ but you know what I meant.”

Always with the death jokes. “You never get tired of that, do you,” Neku says, pulling himself up. Joshua smiles at him, bright and earnest, and Neku’s tempted to ruffle his hair.

Only tempted, though, because that tends to lead to other things and Neku’s got stuff he actually wants to do today, thank you. He’s got all week off for that sort of thing. “Hey, you’re off, too, right?” he says, looking for a change of clothes.

Joshua snaps his fingers and deposits Neku’s bag at his feet. Neku smiles gratefully. “The Game is off,” Joshua corrects, “but yes, I’m less busy than I could be.”

“Is it just that you _don’t_ leave Shibuya or that you _can’t_?” he asks, and the silence is longer than he’d really expected.

He’s picked an outfit and refolded his clothes by the time Joshua finally responds. “Don’t,” he says softly, “but Neku, that really isn’t very ….”

“It’d be hard for you,” Neku finishes, and Joshua nods. “It’d mean a lot to me if you manage it eventually, though, Josh. I want you to see my campus, you know?”

“Before you graduate, then,” he says, and Neku beams. “I’ll try.”

“Thanks.” Neku gestures for him to come closer, and pulls Joshua into a quick hug, patting his head for the hell of it. “Have a good day, okay?”

He inclines his head. “I love you, Neku,” he says. “Be well.”

* * *

Neku takes his time in the shower, because why not? It’s a Saturday and he’s got nothing more important to do; might as well enjoy it. Cram school is no longer a thing he has to worry about. He is done with it. He’s attending university and his Saturdays are his own.

Even if he is being stared at by fish. “Your taste in decor is still weird!” he yells, and the water momentarily turns freezing cold. Fucking – _right,_ don’t antagonise the composer. He is extremely petty and does not give up.

And he might tie your shoelaces together if you really piss him off. _Oh no._ Neku giggles.

He just really can’t be scared of the guy. Yeah, he’s a douche with a lot of power, and _yeah_ he’s freaking shot Neku before (still mad about that, by the way; that’s one of those things you just don’t get over), but … he’s not a bad guy. He’s just kind of an asshole.

… Shoelaces. What is he, five?

(No, he’s fifteen. But how long has he been fifteen? There’s a question.)

The smile fades off his face as he dries his hair. In a very real way, Neku’s older than Joshua’ll ever be, and if Neku takes him up on returning him to true life … it’ll just widen, won’t it. Fifteen and eighteen isn’t too bad, but fifteen and twenty two, or hell, maybe even longer … that’s a big gap. Joshua has to know that if Neku keeps aging, one day he’ll look at Joshua and see a child.

Neku shudders. He doesn’t _want_ to grow out of liking Joshua. They’re friends.

He pauses in styling his hair to turn and look at his wings in the mirror. They’re pretty big, though not nearly on the scale of the officers he’s seen, but the bars … they’re fairly skinny. Skinnier than a week ago? He’s not sure.

He reaches around to feel them, and hm, they’re about as thick as three of his fingers. Joshua’s were a lot thinner than that, he’s pretty sure. Are they supposed to be proportional, or is the frame the same width regardless? How long does he have to change his mind?

It doesn’t matter. He’s not sure he will, anyway. Does he really want to go through all that again?

(Does he really want to tie himself to the UG forever?)

Whatever happens, that’ll be another day.

He opens the door and smells coffee and pancakes, and his face freezes. “Morning, Neku,” Hanekoma calls over from the bar, and Neku forces himself to breathe.

“Good morning, Mr H,” he replies, walking over to the couch. Hanekoma’d already set a platter and carafe out, and Neku hesitantly serves himself. Not exactly someone Neku’d like to take food from, but Joshua’d take revenge on him, wouldn’t he?

The thought doesn’t cheer him as much as he’d hoped.

“It’s all on the boss’s tab, so feel free to dig in,” he says, cleaning up, and Neku slides down into his seat.

He wishes Joshua were here. Or, more to the point, that Hanekoma wasn’t, but they’re going to have to work out some kind of truce sometime. Neku just wishes it weren’t _now_. “Does he pay you in poop money, too?”

“Poop money?” he repeats. “Nah, he pays me in loose change and I pay him right back from my commission fees. It’s a bit silly, but there’s no such thing as a free lunch, eh? Everybody’s got to eat.”

“I guess.” Neku steels his stomach and digs in, a bit cautiously at first and then with enthusiasm. It’s all as delicious as ever, and Neku even doesn’t have to look at the bill. “Josh was having me help him with entry fees,” he says casually, and Hanekoma’s eyebrows go up.

“You’re serious, then,” he says, putting away the last of the cookware and joining Neku at the table.

 _He’ll know if you’re lying,_ Neku reminds himself, and shrugs. “I think so,” he says. “Shibuya’s my home, and Josh needs _somebody_ to help him, and I think I could do a pretty good job. Especially after I get my degree, so I can work as an artist whenever I have time, and … our UG doesn’t have that much money, right? But I wouldn’t have many living expenses, so …”

He flounders, and Hanekoma chuckles. “You don’t got to convince me any,” he says, rubbing his neck. “You’re a good kid, Neku, and it’d destroy Josh to know he fucked you up, you know? So if you got any second thoughts, tell him while he can still do something about it, else none of us’re gonna be happy.”

“Is that why you’re here?” Neku says quietly. Hanekoma inclines his head.

“Josh’s been worrying up a storm, so I figured I’d check in. He didn’t call me or nothing, if that’s what you’re wondering.”

Neku takes a deep breath and holds it, thinking. “I’m not going to hurt Joshua,” he says eventually. “Whatever’s between us is between us, but I want to hurt him even less than you do, so you don’t need to check up on me, okay? I can take care of myself.”

Hanekoma watches him, then adjusts his sunglasses. “Good kid,” he says, smiling. “I’ll hold you to that, you know,” and he vanishes.

He lets out a deep sigh and slumps into the chair. _God,_ he hates that guy. That went better than it could’ve, though, and he finishes eating and heads out.

It’s not like he has an actual plan in mind for the day, so he takes his time strolling back up to the surface and snaps a few photos of the Grim Heaper’s latest monstrosity to text to his school friends. There’s got to be a point to making a shrine to Hello Kitty out of tyres, but Neku doesn’t see it.

Does mocking Minamimoto count as spreading Shibuya’s influence? It _should_. Really bad public art is a blight on society.

Oh god. Neku just had the worst thought ever. `Does minamimoto get paid?` he texts Joshua, fearing the worst. (On the other hand, if Minamimoto can make a living, that’s a good sign for Neku, eh?)

`Not for his artwork, though people have asked.`

That’s it, the world is over. Everyone can go home now. There is nowhere to go from here.

`I happen to think it's quite nice,` Joshua texts, and Neku catches himself on the wall in dismay. Only he forgot he has _claws_ now, and grossssssss, grime. Grime! Neku did not need _grime!_ Ewwwww!

On the other hand, that means he can amend some of this graffiti. … Eh, maybe later. It’d be pretty weird for there to be claw marks in an underpass, huh.

Well, okay, maybe a _little_. He finds a dirty patch and carefully scratches out ‘MATH SUCKS’ near Minamimoto’s bullshit. If he didn’t know better, he’d probably just assume it was with a knife or something. A brick, maybe. Can you even scrape into concrete with a knife?

He considers typing on his phone to ask, but Joshua’s already replied: `Not very well. You would want it to be diamond-tipped, and you certainly shouldn't do so in MY city.`

Yeah, yeah, Joshua’s stuck-up. Neku will make sure all of his street art is easy to remove if people get pissy about it. Maybe he’ll make a giant graffiti mural, how about that?

– hell. Joshua doesn’t reply, but Neku just _knows_ that’s approval. He’ll think about it, how about that? Sometime he actually has time to work on it. Like, _not_ just over a school break.

“You mind helping me out here?” he mutters, still trying not to touch anything with one hand. Joshua sends a flash of irritation, and Neku holds his palm out for him to deposit a damp cloth and a nail clipper. “Thanks.”

Has Neku mentioned lately how much he appreciates having an invisible friend? Neku appreciates his invisible friend, and honestly the best part of being back home is he can talk to thin air and know someone’s listening. There’re composers elsewhere, of course, but Neku doesn’t know them. They aren’t real to him the way Joshua is.

He passes by the train station, and there’s a familiar large dog waiting for him. Neku waves, and the dog barks and bounds up to him, knocking him right over this time.

“I didn’t even go anywhere!” he whines, but Joshua licks his face all the same, tail wagging furiously.

`You were calling me,` he says simply. `Take me for a walk, if you miss me so much.`

“You’re not even a real dog,” Neku grumbles, acquiescing enough to rub his neck. “Do you even have a leash?”

A terrifying glint in his eyes as he lets Neku up. `No,` he concedes, `but you could buy me one, and then you can give me walks.`

Walking his boyfriend. What has Neku’s life come to? “Go home, Josh,” he says instead. “You’ve got work to do.”

The dog lets out an exaggerated sigh, then shakes himself. `I suppose. Enjoy your day, Neku,` he says, walking off. Neku watches him go, shaking his head. Something is seriously wrong with that guy.

He can’t think of much else to do offhand, so he takes his time window shopping. Always good to keep up with the trends, even if he’s not planning on buying anything, and he takes a picture of D+B’s new mascot and sends it to Shiki, just in case she hadn’t seen her design’s already in stores.

Just because you’re fighting with somebody doesn’t mean you need to be a jerk. It’s the least he’d do for any of his friends.

She even replies, too, and he wasn’t sure she would. Just a happy emoji, but it’s something.

After that, he goes and pokes his head in a pet store. Joshua might not have been serious, but Neku kind of wants to see the look on his face when Neku gets him a dog collar. Maybe a leash, too, while he’s at it; that’d be one way to keep their friendship from looking suspicious. Do composers usually go around their districts in the animal versions of their Noise forms? Would anyone even know one way or the other?

He’s trying to pick between a collar and a harness – collar’s funnier, but a harness is more practical if Joshua actually _meant that_ – when his wings twitch from wherever they go when he’s down-tuned and he freezes. With two hundred thousand residents and even more than that passing through, you’d think Neku could actually avoid running into people he knows, but _no,_ he recognises the melody of those thoughts.

Hell.

`This is your fault,` he texts Joshua hurriedly, trying to decide whether or not to skedaddle. He doesn’t want to cause offense, and they’re probably not even coming here anyway –

“So what kind of bird food you need?” Beat says cheerfully, and Neku might not know the girls he’s with too well, but he’s scanned them more than enough times to feel like it.

“I usually get her the pellets,” Ai-or-Mina replies. “Look for the ones labelled for budgies.”

“Weren’t you buying the seed mixes for a while?” says Mina-or-Ai, and Neku’d love to make a break for it, but they’re not near his aisle ….

“Yeah, but she kept picking out her favorites ….”

Neku grabs a collar and an orange leash and starts going to check out while they’re busy, but he senses the moment Beat sees him. Fucking telepathy, like just having Neku’s side wasn’t bad enough, but _no,_ he gets to hear Beat’s excitement and quick disappointment as he remembers all over again that they broke up. 

“Hey, Neku,” Beat says, a bit tired, and Neku forces a smile for him. Neku _is_ happy to see him, even if – a lot of things.

“Hi, Beat,” he replies.

“Ai, Mina, this is my ex, the one who is _not_ fucking a dog,” Beat says, and Neku might now know which one’s which but _augh_.

“I’m not fucking a dog!” Neku screeches. “These are for my boyfriend!”

Ai quirks a brow, while Mina has to stifle a laugh. “Wow, Beat,” Ai says, and Neku wants to _die_. (Wait.) “I didn’t know you went for the kinky ones.”

Neku’s not kinky! What did he say, anyway!?

“So, Beat,” Mina says slowly, thinking it over, “why would this be in question? Did you date someone else, or was he in a compromising position, or ….”

“It’s a long story,” Neku interrupts, “and it’s very boring, so I’ll just be going now?”

“Wait, Phones,” Beat says, rubbing his neck. “I kind of – I want you to know I still like you a lot and if you still want to be friends, we can hang out sometime, yeah?”

Neku smiles at him, and even if he’s sad, he still means it. “Yeah,” he says, relieved. “I’m off this week, so text me?”

“Absolutely,” he says, and he gives him a thumbs up.

Neku buys his stuff as Beat gets back into conversation about birds and dogs and stuff Neku _so_ doesn’t want to hear about, and maybe it’s not great, but it’ll get there. They’ve got time. 

Neku ducks into a quiet spot and hops up to the UG so he can cry a bit afterward, though, and Joshua sends him an inquiry. He’s fine, even if he appreciates the concern. It just – sucks. It _really_ sucks, but they’ll be okay. Just give them time. 

… Time probably won’t help with Shiki, though, and _then_ he lets out huge, wracking sobs. 

` Im gonna be a mess later fyi,` he texts Joshua. `When do you think I should see my fam?`

`About two hours from now should be good. Would you like me to get you anything?`

Neku has no idea. He wants to not be upset, how about that? Not like there’s much more he can do about it right now. He hears Joshua sighing, and then a bell ringing as a box appears at his feet. 

He bends down and opens it. A damp washcloth, a thermos filled with – tea, it looks like, and a parfait. “Thanks, Josh,” he manages, sitting down. It’s not as good as being able to bury himself in blankets and wallow properly, but there’s more he has to do today.

It’s better than nothing. He wipes his face off and sips his tea, and amends that: it’s _a lot_ better than nothing, and even if things aren’t perfect, he’s still loved. 

Joshua wants him to be happy. Maybe he’s not great at it; maybe he’s more work than he’s worth; but Joshua is _there_ and he really doesn’t have to be. A city of two hundred thousand people to manage, and he still has time to take care of Neku.

` It's no trouble, really,` he imprints, and Neku shakes his head. `It's honestly the least I could do.`

Maybe so, but Neku still appreciates it. His phone buzzes: Joshua’s sent him the address of a cat café, in case Neku’s interested, and he smiles. Maybe later, but for now, Neku wants to get himself properly exhausted. 

Well. He can sense _a hell of a lot_ of Noise, if he’s up for it, and he cracks his knuckles and gets to work. It’s harder than it was in the Game without his partner’s assistance to get a proper cross combo going, but he’s stronger now and there’s still the faint sense of _not alone_. Of course: he still has a pact with Joshua, and even if he isn’t _fighting,_ he’s still in the UG.

In the UG, hell: Josh _is_ the UG, and Neku’s just handling the ground-level version of what Joshua is probably doing right now. Neku clears it and Joshua keeps it from coming back, and it’s what they were meant for. 

Shockwave, Vulcan Uppercut, Irregular Note: he hasn’t been carrying his Jupiter of the Monkey and Gatito pins, electing instead for a few indie ones, but the familiar psyches come easier than breathing as his wings coordinate the Noise with each flick. 

He tries to pull out the power of his new pins, too, but they’re a dead spot. They’re not from _Shibuya,_ he realises: he’ll have to pack his Pegaso set next time if he wants some variety. Or make a set of his own, but that feels easier said than done. Eh, Beat could manage it. 

_Beat,_ he thinks once again with a pang in his chest. This afternoon is going to suck, but putting off visiting his family is just going to make it worse when he finally does. He tightens his jaw and keeps pummeling Noise, static and released soul clinging to his fists for a moment before it dissipates into Shibuya.

He can do this.

Clearing Noise doesn’t do the best job taking his mind off things, but it still helps, and after a while, he eats his parfait and considers stopping by a café to pet some kitties. Maybe some other time, he decides, and Joshua sets off his alarm when it’s time to head to his folks’ place.

It’s not home. Even with him having the keys for it, it’s still not home, and his wings pick up the characteristic timbre of fear, distrust, apathy. The dread that he’ll never get out of here, never find somewhere to just _be;_ but there’s a thread of hope winding through the caked-in despair, and there’s less Noise here than there could be.

Joshua’s work, he supposes, and it even _smells_ weird here. Did it always smell musty? He assumes so, but he’d never been away long enough to notice before.

Fuck. He’s tempted to hop back up to the UG and run for it, but it’ll only be worse the longer he puts it off.

Nobody’s thrilled to see him, no surprise there. Oh, they’re cheery and all, at least for the start, but then it’s right back to how he’s a disappointment and how they’re old and infirm and he’s going to need to take care of them soon, doesn’t he know, so he needs a well-paying job and to give up all this art business to repay them for all their _sacrifices._ Doesn’t he know how selfish he is, living on campus like this? They should have access to him all the time, and he doesn’t need to see the future to know they’d sabotage his studies if they got the chance.

And here he is, falling right back into the same patterns of quietly taking it, like it really _is_ his fault he’s not good enough for them. They weren’t ever around when he needed them, so why do they think they’ve got a hold on him?

It makes him sick. Him, them, all of it, and he’s tempted to ask Joshua to erase them all and be done with it.

Like he has any right to judge.

He makes it through dinner relatively unscathed and escapes then: whatever Joshua did left them preoccupied, easy to avoid. Better than nothing, and the moment he’s out, he nearly throws up from stress.

But he doesn’t. He just turns back and looks at the Noise surrounding them, surrounding all these bastards who didn’t even give enough of a shit for flowers when he spent three weeks dead, and whistles for it to coalesce. Maybe it’s wrong, but he’d rather a Goth Metal Drake chew on them until somebody goes for the points than let their Noise spread out and feast on the neighbors. 

Fuck them. Just … fuck them.

* * *

Neku stumbles into the lounge a while later, dead on his feet. (And off them, too.) He doesn’t even bother sticking his slippers on, though the floor’s freezing as always; if Joshua cares, he can complain later.

“I’m back,” he says, stumbling over to the couch on auto-pilot. “Were they always so bad at cooking?” 

“Who?”

Neku jerks awake. Oh, hell, reapers at the bar. He panics for a moment, but eh, it’s just Def March. “Thought the composer was here,” he mumbles, rubbing his eyes. “He didn’t warn me about you guys.”

They all look at each other. “We just kind of showed up,” BJ admits. “The boss has a better recording studio than anything we can afford, so ….”

Right. Random reapers at all hours. Joshua warned him about that. “Never mind, then,” he says. “Do you guys mind telling me what the favor you wanted was?”

Hushed whispering from the band, none of which Neku cares enough about to try to follow along with. “Performance review,” 777 says finally. “We’re getting to the point where we’d like to go on tour, only Tokyo reapers can’t leave Tokyo, you know? So we’re all wondering what we need to do to quit.”

He blinks a few times. Ugh, he is way too tired for this shit. “I’ll talk to the composer,” he says eventually. “We’ll get back to you … sometime ….”

That’s not exactly encouraging, he knows, but it’s the best he can do right now.

“Aight,” 777 says in acknowledgement, and Neku staggers over to the foosball table and waves at them, before falling up to the CAT mural. He went the wrong way, he realizes, but finding the right one is _way_ too hard right now, so he just sits his ass down next to the wall and lets himself doze off.

He’s safe here, and he might as well sleep. That was the plan, anyway, only there’s some feet in front of him and Neku looks up blearily.

“Are you all right?” Joshua asks him, his hand blessedly cool on Neku’s face, but what kind of question is that?

“No,” he says back, and Joshua sighs.

“Would you rather I take you to bed or leave you here for now,” he corrects, and Neku nods. Definitely one of those.

Or maybe that was wrong? Joshua furrows his brow at him as he levitates Neku into his arms, and nn, Neku didn’t feel like moving. Joshua’s bed is nice and soft, though, and he’s absently aware of a giant dog curling around him. 

`Sleep well, Neku,` Joshua says, and Neku does. 

* * *

Neku is going to die of fluff, only he already did. He tries moving his arm when he wakes up, but Joshua’s comfortably immobile and Neku slowly realizes he’s not all there.

Joshua’s working. Neku doesn’t need to be able to _hear_ his humming to feel him vibrating, manipulating and producing the music of Shibuya. The melody’s beyond his perception, but it’s soothing all the same. Even if he doesn’t move with his lungs and heart.

Neku feels kind of bad for keeping him preoccupied like this.

`I don't mind,` Joshua says eventually, shuffling just enough to turn and poke Neku with his nose. My, what big teeth you have, Composer …. `You're a good kid, Neku: I'd like for you to be happy.`

His face heats, but at least he doesn’t have to hide it: he’s already stuck in Joshua’s fluffy doggy armpit. Instead, he wiggles enough to get his head out, and says, “You were really worried about me, huh.”

`I still am,` he admits as he licks Neku, and he seriously could swallow him whole. Neku tolerates it, though, and his hair’s going to be a wreck. `I don't want you to resent me.`

“I don’t,” Neku says, waving his arm until Joshua deigns to put his snout in reach so Neku can pet him. “I mean, I did, but I don’t now, so ….”

`Good to hear.` Neku pulls himself out from under him, steadying himself on Joshua’s face, then flops down to sit next to his neck, reburying himself in a truly absurd amount of fur. `Oh, and Neku, though no damage was done, I'd recommend you be more careful manipulating Noise. You would have exhausted your reserves without my assistance.`

“Sorry,” he says, trying to remember what he did. Right. He set a fucking _dragon_ on his family, holy shit. “You aren’t mad?”

Joshua hums audibly, and Neku nearly jumps. `Not particularly, I suppose,` he replies. `Your pet will erase any Noise they spawn and only feed on them until someone erases it in turn; it's not proper behaviour on your part, but it's understandable.`

Understandable? It was fucking shitty of Neku to do. But fine, if Josh isn’t annoyed, Neku isn’t going to force the issue, and Joshua huffs in reply.

`What bothers me is that was your first attempt at subduing wild Noise and creating your own, Neku,` he states, flicking his ears back. `You don't have the finesse yet to work on that level without injuring yourself.`

 _Finesse,_ hell. Like that’s the problem there. “I don’t exactly plan on doing it again.”

` Very well.`

Why is he so unaffected all the time? “Don’t you even care?” he snaps, and Joshua just sighs.

`A single Blue Noise isn't likely to cause as much damage as the Yellow and Red you made it from, Neku,` he says, slapping his tail against the bed with a loud _fwack._ ` I care that you're upset, and that you acted unwisely in the heat of the moment, not that you wanted petty revenge against those who had done you harm.`

Neku jerks up and away from him. “So, what, it’d be better if I _wasn’t_ upset?”

And Joshua statics back into the sad, smiling boy, legs crossed as he sits on the bed and looks up at Neku. “A few mistakes from a reaper as young and powerful as yourself are only to be expected,” he says quietly. “Neku, dear Neku, you did little harm and to a net gain. All is well.”

“Like hell it is,” he snaps, staring him down. “If you can’t trust me not to do shit like that, you sure as fuck shouldn’t trust me as your conductor, Josh.”

“Then allow me to revive you,” he replies mildly, wings folded. “I don’t have any interest in forcing you, Neku.”

 _“Then why did you give me the UG as an entry fee!?”_ Neku roars, and Joshua recoils like he’s been struck.

There. He didn’t even want to think about it, but it’s out in the open. “Neku, I …” Joshua stammers. “I didn’t ….”

Fuck it. Just … fuck it. “Fuck you, Joshua,” Neku says, voice cold. “Even if I handed in my wings and moved to Hokkaido, you know what would happen? I’d still know every damn time a reaper walked by, because of your shitty duel and your goddamn machinations.”

Joshua’s silent for once in his damn life and Neku smiles. It isn’t a good smile.

“Of course I agreed to be your conductor,” Neku continues, and it’s funny having the boot on the other foot this time, isn’t it? “What the hell choice did I have, Josh? Leave you and all your shitbag friends without supervision? I’m not stupid, Josh, don’t you fucking dare treat me like I am.”

“I never thought you were,” Joshua mutters, and it’s small consolation.

“I trusted you, and you ruined my life, Josh. Stew on that for a while.”

Joshua stares brokenly at him for a moment longer, then slowly, deliberately kneels with his head to the floor to Neku. “I am – deeply sorry,” he says quietly. “I – I honestly can’t repay you; there isn’t anything I can do to make you not like – not able to see into the higher planes, nor to make anything else that’s happened not have happened, and I – I am sorry, Neku. Sanae or Kouki can get you the transfer paperwork; I’ll sign off on it the moment you’re done, and that – would be that, I suppose. If there is ever anything I can do for you, anything at all, you need only say the word, or else I – you don’t ever need to see me again, Neku. I _am_ sorry, for whatever little that’s worth.”

Neku snorts. “Right,” he says, walking to the door. “I’ll just – bye, Joshua,” he says, glancing back.

“Goodbye, Neku,” Joshua says back. He still hasn’t moved.

Neku watches him a moment longer, then shuts it.

Hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SURPRISE!!


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A wild Hanekoma? Possibly.

Def Märch isn’t in the lounge by the time he gets there, which is probably a good thing. Nobody to see his face, and he should – he should probably get out of here, but he’s not sure he’s going to make it that far before crying.

He kicks the foosball table as he passes it, then collapses onto the couch. What the hell did he just do? He just – he’s the _worst,_ he really is, and this time there isn’t anyone to cuddle him and tell him he’s loved. He’s fucked it up. All of it, with everyone, and what’s he fucking doing? Breaking down crying on Joshua’s couch like he has the right.

Shit, Joshua. Neku fumbles for his phone and looks through his contacts list: come on, Shibuya, he knows he just pissed off Your composer, but he needs – there. He hits the talk button.

Hanekoma picks up on the first ring. “What,” he snaps. “I’m _kind of busy_ here, so make it quick.”

“I just fought with Joshua,” he blurts out, voice hoarse, “and I need you to keep an eye on him, Mr H.”

“I’m _trying!_ ” he snarls. “He locked me out, the dumbass, though at least we know he isn’t going anywhere – what did you _do,_ Phones?!”

Neku takes a deep breath and blows his nose, trying to get some composure. “I,” he starts, then groans, going right back into a sob. Hanekoma waits for him to calm back down, more patiently than Neku really expects of him these days. “I felt like shit and wanted a fight, and I said a lot of things I can’t take back. Can you – look after him for a while?”

Hanekoma sighs, long and drawn out, and Neku wilts at the very _idea_ of his disappointment. Even after everything, he still kind of looks up to him, and Neku – Neku seriously fucked up. “That’s my job,” he says finally, and it’s supposed to be Neku’s job, too, only he ruined it. “If you leave Shibuya, stay where I can get in touch with you, Phones. That’s an order.”

“Okay,” he says, a bit meekly. “ _Should_ I leave Shibuya?” Joshua might – need space, and he’s not exactly going to be able to get it with Neku here. Shit. Shit, shit, shit.

“Depends on what he wants,” he says frankly. “If you go now, though, you can kiss the chance of him forgiving you goodbye.”

“Okay,” Neku says again, and again: “Okay. I’ll – I’ll just. You can probably find me?”

“If you’re in Shibuya,” he confirms, and he hangs up. Neku stares at the phone for a moment, not sure if the call was dropped, but he probably doesn’t use mundane cell service, does he.

He doesn’t trust Hanekoma as far as he can throw him, but they’re kind of low on options. At least he can keep up with Joshua, whatever he does. He might not interfere when he needs to, but maybe he will, too.

Neku doesn’t know. He doesn’t have a better option, either, and he just curls up on the couch and wallows in his misery. God, why did he do that?

Because when you get down to it, Neku isn’t much better of a person than Joshua, that’s why. When they’re hurting, they both want to make everyone else hurt as much as they do, only – only Joshua’s been trying to be better than that. Not Neku, though. No, Neku just got past some of the hurting without learning not to hurt back, because Joshua’ll just sit there and take it. It’s all he deserves, after all: he shot Neku and no one is ever going to forgive him for it.

Ughhh. Neku rubs at his head, and he wishes he could get some water without standing up. He might trust Joshua, and Joshua might even believe him when he says he does, but Neku might need to – he might need to _actually_ let it go, so Joshua can, too. Neku hasn’t been letting any of that affect his life, but Joshua ….

It’s a weapon. Neku hadn’t even meant it to be, but you don’t always have to _want_ to hurt somebody for it to happen anyway. It’s a weapon, and Neku doesn’t need it. Not with Joshua, not when he’s been trying pretty hard to do right by Neku and Shibuya and honestly doing a decent job of it. Not perfect, but he’s an alright sort. Really.

He does end up getting that glass of water, and he’s mulling over what to say when his phone rings. Why is _Shiki_ calling him?

“Hello?” he says, still a bit raw but a lot better than earlier.

“Hey, Neku,” she says, subdued, and the shit days are really going around, huh. (Must be, if she’s calling him now.) “I just got the _weirdest_ phone call.”

And she’s telling him about it? “… Yeah?” he says, hesitant.

“Your dead friend,” she says with evident disbelief. “Joshua. He wanted to hear my thoughts on something, said he ‘values my opinion,’ if you believe that.”

“I do, actually,” he says, a bit more confident. “He’s sneaky, and there’s always a lot more he’s not saying, but he’s not much of a liar.” And it’s strange, to put that into words: Neku trusts Joshua because Joshua is trustworthy. Dangerous, yeah, and really fucking strange, but his word is good.

Which is more than you can say for some people. (Hanekoma. He’s thinking of Hanekoma.)

“I still don’t like him,” she admits, “and I’m not comfortable with this, but I thought you should know.”

“Thanks, Shiki,” he says, and he means it. “For telling me, and for talking with him, too. It means a lot.”

She hums, noncommittal. “Why _me,_ though?”

“I got mad at him,” Neku says instead, “and I said some things that were – really nasty, totally uncalled for, just because he didn’t get mad at **me** when I wanted him to.” She sucks in a breath, and Neku nods. Yeah. “I guess he wanted someone smart and level-headed who wouldn’t tell him what they thought he wanted to hear, that’s all.”

“And that’s me?” she says dubiously.

Neku nods firmly, even though she can’t see it. “He thinks you’re great, Shiki,” he says with certainty. “He’s a bit of a jerk, and I don’t expect you to like him, but he _does_ respect you a lot, and I’m sorry I’ve been such an ass to you.”

“I’m sorry, too,” she mutters. “Well. I guess I’ll keep that in mind, then.”

“Stay in touch?” he says hopefully.

“See you, Neku,” she says instead, and she hangs up. Not really a good sign, especially not with Joshua trying to talk to her **_(why)_** , but he’ll take it.

He already knew it wasn’t going to be the same, and he yawns and slides into his seat. Wake him up when Joshua’s up for human interaction again, okay?

And he does, though his leg’s asleep by the time he senses someone watching the fish. Neku cracks his eyes open.

“Neku?” Joshua says, nervous. “Why are you still here? – not that I mind, but ….”

Neku stretches, then looks up at him blearily. Joshua’d bolt if he shows a bit of disapproval, but Neku’s too tired for enthusiasm. “Josh, I’m sorry,” he says wretchedly. “I shouldn’t have said – any of that.”

“You weren’t wrong,” Joshua replies neutrally. “Not everyone with second sight ends up a reaper, but – most of us do, and it was wrong of me to ….”

“It was years ago,” Neku interrupts. “A lot of the stuff you did to me was really fucking shitty, but it was years ago, Josh, and you’ve been trying hard to be a better person. I trust you _and_ forgive you, and you should trust and forgive yourself, too.”

Joshua blinks, then glances at Neku’s face. “Killing you again wasn’t years ago,” he starts, but Neku scowls and he closes his mouth.

Neku closes his eyes for a moment. “That wasn’t actually your fault,” he confesses. “Or it was, but it was mine, too: I knew you’d get upset and I knew it would be dangerous, and I didn’t care.”

Rustle, rustle. Joshua shifts his weight, perturbed. “I still killed you.”

“I committed suicide by composer,” he corrects, “and you’ve offered to fix it. I don’t want you to.”

“Neku ….”

Neku sighs, letting his wings materialize. “Josh,” he says frankly, “I’ve been shit to you because I’ve always assumed you would be shit right back, and maybe it wouldn’t be right, but it’d be fair. But you _haven’t been,_ and it’s not right for me to treat you like that just because maybe you’d deserve it. I’m not hurting the shitbag of a few years ago; I keep hurting _you_.”

Joshua sits down on the other couch, watching the ceiling wondrously. “You really mean that,” he murmurs, and he senses Joshua’s power at the edge of his mind. Bring it. “Neku, I am – grateful, for all of this. Thank you.”

Is he serious? “Josh, you aren’t listening,” Neku snaps, and Joshua flinches. “This isn’t – me trying to be the bigger person, or anything. This is that you aren’t actually that bad of a guy, and it isn’t **right** for people to treat you like it when you’ve shown no sign of repeating your mistakes. You hurt me pretty bad, but I happen to know what you’ve been doing since, and I absolve you of it. Be free. The question is, do you forgive _me_?”

Joshua stares at him a bit blankly, then buries his head in his hands. “Neku,” he says, “I – I need some time to think about this. Is that – is that okay, Neku?”

“Take all the time you need,” he replies. “I’ll still be here, and if not, you can call me, and _then_ I’ll be here.”

He nods. “Thank you, Neku,” he says, and vanishes. Neku keeps watching where he’d been, then breathes deeply and goes to get himself something to drink.

Long day, and there’s no telling how long it’ll take for Joshua to get his head together, so he sticks on some music and starts to draw. It’s no go, though; nothing he works on turns out the way he wants it to. It happens sometimes, though, and he tries not to get too bitter about it as he tries anyway and lists some things he might draw when he gets his skill back.

It was a hell of a day, after all.

Joshua doesn’t show up again that night. Neku hadn’t exactly expected him to, but he’s disappointed all the same.

Neku’s trying to upend his entire worldview. Of course it’s going to take a while to process.

Eventually, he calls it a day and wraps up his stuff and has a snack. The bar’s actually got a decent amount of real food hidden behind it, even if it’s all microwaveable or non-perishable. It’s edible. 

He takes one last look at the door, hoping it’s locked, before flopping back down on the couch. Wish he packed some blankets or something, or that the lights had a switch. 

`Sorry to bother you, but I want to go to bed, so if you could …` he texts, and Joshua takes care of it all, depositing sheets and such on the table. “Thank you!” he says loudly, meaning it, and he suspects Joshua might actually be embarrassed.

He’s going to have to deal with it, because Neku ain’t going nowhere.

* * *

Mornings suck and have always sucked, but waking up to the smell of spiced oatmeal isn’t nearly as bad as it could be. 

“Good morning, Neku,” Joshua says politely, sitting on the other couch as he fiddles with his food. “I suggest you eat before we have our discussion?”

“Yeah,” Neku says, though he’s not much for food first thing. “Thanks, Josh.”

Joshua buries his face in his oatmeal, and Neku smiles. He really does get embarrassed by the little things, doesn’t he. He raises the dead on a monthly basis, but all Neku needs to do is appreciate his cooking and he goes shy.

Neku’ll just have to appreciate him even more, then. Joshua’s cute when he’s confused, and nothing confuses him more than being noticed. 

“Glad to know I amuse,” Joshua murmurs, and Neku flushes. He didn’t mean that in a bad way, okay. 

“I’m going to try harder to keep your feelings in mind,” Neku says in between mouthfuls. “Doesn’t mean I won’t still pick on you, but seriously, let me know if I go too far, okay?”

Joshua nods, hesitant. “I’ll try,” he says. “I hadn’t wanted to stifle you, you know.”

Clink. He sets his bowl down and looks up at Joshua, serious. “It isn’t good for either of us if you won’t tell me when I’m being a shithead, Josh,” he states. Joshua scowls. “I need to know you’re at least trying to take care of yourself, or else it’s all on me to look after you, and I can’t handle that, dude. I don’t even have my own shit together.”

He huffs, but at least he’s listening. “I’m well aware,” he grumbles, then looks up. “I apologise for indulging your destructive tendencies.”

“And I’m sorry for being an asshole,” Neku says, and Joshua smiles. “Are we even?”

A shrug as he looks at his hands. “That depends,” he says, not unkindly. “Are you certain you don’t want me to revive you? It – bothers me, to think you might have given up on life, and truly, plenty of people with second sight avoid ever having a Game job. You’ve plenty of options.”

Neku takes a deep breath, putting his thoughts in order. “Yeah, I’m sure,” he says eventually. “I probably _could_ get by without it, but you were right, when you said years ago that the Game’s exciting. The RG’s exciting, too, but I don’t have to pick between them, do I? Plenty of reapers stay in both.”

“I suppose,” he concedes. “I won’t be happy if you use me to dodge your RG responsibilities, though, Neku.”

“That’s fair.” It wouldn’t be good for Neku if he did, either. “Oh, Def Märch want to be human again, and – you can pet my wings later, if you’d like.”

Joshua’s eyebrows shoot way up, and Neku suspects he’s cheating. “I’ll keep the first in mind, but Neku, are you certain? If you have any doubts, any at all, don’t let me, because I _will_ do some work on you.”

“Like what?” Honestly, it’s like he _tries_ to be suspicious. 

He hums. “Ensuring you actually **use** your city-sense, mostly, but you’ve plenty of memory associations you don’t particularly need. I can make a list of what I know already I’d like to do, though I’m sure I would find more.” At Neku’s blank look, he adds: “These are things I do as my _job,_ Neku; I know full well what I would be doing and how, and direct contact with your soul would let me do precision work.”

Neku keeps staring. “Would you really need to do all that?”

A harumph at that as Joshua crosses his arms. “Technically, no, but touching a reaper’s wings generally leaves them out of commission _anyway,_ and I’d rather get some good out of it.”

Neku glowers. “You’re talking about messing with my _brain,_ ” he points out, and Joshua nods. 

“That’s what happens when you hand someone your soul,” he says frankly. “I have defenses that you do not, and a great deal more experience, but if you don’t trust me to safely remove the last time you ate a chili dog, you don’t trust me to touch your wings.”

When did he – **shit.** No _wonder_ Joshua wants to fuck with his head; Neku’s probably never going to want to see Mexican Dog again. If he can keep from thinking of Beat every time he’s in Spain Hill, that’s valuable, but Joshua’s stolen his memories before and he can’t – “You’re not going to give me headaches again, are you?” he says harshly, and Joshua smiles.

“Not if I can take my time,” Joshua says easily, and Neku presses back against the couch. “Memories are _so_ tricky sometimes, but I do know what I’m doing, Neku. It would be unpleasant for a few days as your song stabilizes, that’s all.” Neku’s mouth tightens, and he adds: “I can’t make you process anything you don’t want to, but I can at least let you do it at your own pace.”

He’s still tempted to freak out, but he takes a deep breath and tries not to wonder why Joshua hadn’t mentioned this before. There’s a difference between running away and using all the resources he has available, and this just barely seems like the latter. “Put that list together,” Neku says finally. “I’ll think about it when I know what you have in mind.” Such a pain he has this goddamn all-or-nothing approach to it, though: seems like way too much hassle.

And Joshua tilts his head, pushing his hair back. “Most reapers never let anyone at their wings, Neku,” he says neutrally. “You’ve no need to be an exception.”

Neku’s seen how Joshua takes Neku preening _him,_ though, and Neku wants a taste of that. Even if he doesn’t turn out to like it, he wants to know and he trusts Joshua, really. Even when he tries so hard to keep Neku from doing so. “Why do you want to do all that so bad?” he says finally, and Joshua turns away.

“I like being useful,” he explains, wistful in a way Neku doesn’t know how to handle, “and that’s one of the few things only I could do for you. It might not be _necessary,_ but I like to help, Neku, and I’d hate to do nothing when I had the chance.”

Neku listens to this, then nods slightly. He understands it, even if he doesn’t agree with it, and they can work with that. “So, chili dogs,” he finishes, and Joshua beams. “Put together that list, and I’ll see what I think. I trust you, but I don’t know how much I’m comfortable with.”

Joshua salutes, and his crooked smile brings one to Neku’s face, too. “Aye aye, captain!” he says, “though it should really be ‘conductor,’ shouldn’t it?”

He shrugs. “I think that’s up to the composer,” he mutters, before stiffening. He’s never going to be loyal to Joshua the way Shades was, but Joshua tilts his head and Neku forces himself to relax. He doesn’t need to be. They’re friends, not just their roles.

Joshua might be the composer to his core, little of him separable from his job, but they’re still friends above all else. Friend, partner, murderer; proxy, conductor, friend. 

So much between them, but they’re trying to make it work.

“Oh, I got you something yesterday,” Neku says, digging through his stuff and offering him a gift bag. “So you can go out in public with me,” he explains, and Joshua takes it. 

He pokes his nose in, then looks up at him slyly. “I hadn’t known our relationship got to this point,” he says, taking out the collar and comparing it to his neck, then whistling it smaller. “Would you?” he says, turning around in reach for Neku to clasp it along him. 

“I _meant_ for you to have it as a dog,” he snaps, but Joshua doesn’t move away. “God, you’re ridiculous.” He snaps it on, though the orange nylon can’t possibly be comfortable.

“I am,” he says, pleased, sitting down and putting his head in Neku’s lap. “Both god _and_ ridiculous.”

Neku swats him. There really isn’t anything to say to that, but he tries anyway: “You aren’t seriously going to wear that, are you?”

He hums, and Neku finds his hands petting Joshua’s hair of their own accord. “You’re one of four people who ever see me, you know. Kouki wouldn’t care, Coco would laugh, and Sanae already knows your mark is all over me.”

Oh, fuck. Neku’s created a monster. “If I knew you were actually going to wear it, I’d’ve gotten you leather.”

“I like orange,” he murmurs, reaching up to twine his fingers in Neku’s hair. He’s got to have a nasty case of bed head, but Joshua doesn’t seem to mind, simply untangling what he can and gently nudging it back into order. “You should get me things more often,” he adds.

What’s he supposed to get a god, though? “Thought you had most things you wanted,” Neku says honestly. “You’re not exactly poor.”

“Gifts are different.” Yeah, maybe, but …. “I don’t have much need of personal possessions, Neku, but it’s nice to know you thought of me.”

“You’re a hard guy to forget,” Neku grumbles. “Okay, I will, but you need to not actually wear that collar. I’m not having anyone else think we’ve got that kind of relationship, no way.”

A sigh, long and disappointed, but Joshua nods acceptance. “I hardly think it matters,” he says, shifting back to his dog form, `but you're the RG one.`

Damn right Neku is, and he scritches Joshua’s ears. “Yeah, and it’s weird. If you want, though, I can take a shower and then we go for a walk?”

Joshua closes his eyes in appreciation, then shakes it off and hops down to the floor. `Yes, absolutely,` he says, wagging his tail. Neku moves slightly, but Joshua barks and up he goes, Joshua butting his head against his back to get him to walk faster. Okay, okay, okay, but he’s laughing and it’s wonderful.

Life is good _and_ strange, and Neku doesn’t want to give a bit of it up.

No one else needs to understand it for it to be its own type of perfect, and that’s okay. 


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And still Hanekoma and his dysfunctional whatever-it-is with Joshua, wheeee.

Neku sings in the shower. Joshua’s listening, of course, but he’s hardly going to encourage Neku to stop, and Neku raps his knuckles on the wall for a drum accompaniment and he gets a _real_ one.

Cheater’s messing with the sound system again. “I want a guitar solo!” Neku calls, and he hears the strings come in. Neku was just singing some kind of nonsense song about whatever was on his mind that moment, but Joshua’s instrumentals don’t seem mocking, and he cuts his shower shorter than usual to go see what he’s pulling.

He waves to an octopus as he wraps up, and the octopus waves back. Is that … is that supposed to happen? He stares at it for a moment, then goes back to fixing his hair. Whatever. 

“You’re a nerd,” Neku tells the dog once he’s out, but Joshua just keeps cleaning his paws daintily. 

`I do exactly as I wish exactly when I wish,` he replies, not looking up. `Music is the soul of the city, you know. What is life but the pump of your heart and the rush of blood through your veins?`

“A hard-boiled egg,” he replies. “Also, I heard something about taxes.”

`Taxes are eternal,` Joshua says darkly. `There'll be taxes when our star is dust and none but the angels remember there were humans, mark my words.`

Neku hides a smile. God, he’s dramatic. 

(Yes, he is a god. Thank you, Neku’s Joshua impression, for filling in that detail for us all.)

“Does puppy want to go out?” Neku says, and Joshua bites him. Not hard, just enough that _hey, he has teeth!_ but Neku scolds him anyway as Joshua sits in front of him, ears perked up. 

He might not be a real dog, but he still needs dog manners, and Joshua patiently waits for Neku to check his collar and hook the leash to it. It seems to fit, and Joshua added a name tag for verisimilitude, so Neku rubs his neck as Joshua wags his tail. Wonder if he can call him a good boy with a straight face, if they’re really going to go with this charade. 

`Woof woof,` Joshua says insincerely, and they’re off. Neku isn’t the one leading, no surprise there, but Joshua’s perfectly behaved, no pulling or anything, and Neku hadn’t been sure what to expect.

The morning light’s blinding once they’re up to the surface, and Joshua sits down. `My City,` he says reverently, and Neku inclines his head. `I may not compose as much today, but Shibuya deserves a great deal from us, dear Neku. May we be up for the task.`

“Yeah,” Neku says, though he’s not quite sure what Joshua is on about. “I’ll do my best.”

`As should we all.` Joshua stands up and glances back at him, and Neku gets to moving again. If Joshua has a destination in mind, Neku sure can’t see it, but he leads Neku around with purpose anyway.

The city’s different like this, Joshua pointing out little details as they go, and this too is work of a sort. Seeing the town as neither of them usually do, their discrete sets of knowledge filling in the gaps, and Shibuya _sounds better_ with its avatar on the streets. Noise fades away and the people smile at the sight of Neku’s too-large dog, and it’s peaceful. 

Fucking _terrifying_ whenever he remembers how much some of the reapers want Joshua erased, but peaceful. The dog’s new to them, after all: they wouldn’t even know to look.

Of course, there’s one inevitability with dog walking, and Neku didn’t think of it in advance. “Look, mommy! Doggy!” yells a small child as she runs up to them, and Neku opens his mouth to tell her to stop before Joshua raises his paw and she halts.

“Mister, can I pet your dog?” she asks after a bit of prompting from her mother, and Joshua sits patiently. 

“Ask him,” Neku manages awkwardly, and Joshua hijacks his mouth for the rest: “If you’re really quiet and still and you hold your hands out, he might come to you.”

Neku hadn’t even known Joshua could _do_ that, and he watches warily as the kid puts on a serious face and follows along. Joshua disregards him, though, and simply trots up to her, lowering his head so she can pat his neck, and her smug smile makes Neku’s skin crawl.

` You seem in good spirits, Megumi,` Joshua says, though Neku doesn’t know if she understands. `Shibuya remembers you fondly.`

“I tried,” she replies, and Joshua thumps his tail. Some kind of charm, Neku suspects; a benediction for all Shibuya, and for a moment, Neku senses a flash of _devotion/trust/acknowledgement-of-error_ from the kid and shivers. She really is more than a bit of the old conductor reborn, and Neku wonders if Joshua had planned this all along.

But her brief awareness passes and she’s a child again, simply petting the nice fluffy dog like he’s hardly the composer at all, and her mother looks at her expectantly. “Say thank you,” she says, and the kid nods.

“Thank you!” she chirps, bowing, and Joshua watches her go.

`She'll be happy in this life,` he says like it’s a promise. `Megumi's soul was very refined, and she'll have the drive to use it.`

Neku hums acknowledgement, though truthfully he has no idea. “Did you see her shoes, though?”

`Light-up and snake-print,` Joshua confirms. `The old Megumi would have killed for that.`

“Light up I get,” he concedes, carefully ignoring his _own_ past obsession with light up sneakers, “but snake-skin is just _bad_.” Not as bad as a snake-skin suit, but seriously now, there should not be kids’ clothes catering to the Hip Snake aesthetic. That’s, like, corruption of the innocent.

Joshua wuffles. `Meanwhile, you spend much of your time wearing Jupiter of the Monkey. Face it, Neku, you're no fashion plate, either.`

Hey, it breathes and it’s comfortable, neither of which you can say for Hip Snake. Sportswear is superior to denim and _always will be_. He knows Joshua’s just trying to aggravate him, though, so he pulls on the leash a little and says, “C’mon, boy, we’re still going for a walk here.”

He growls dismay, though they both know Joshua can’t really get away with biting him in public, and Neku flashes him a shit-eating grin. `How you can act so casually about this, I have no idea,` he grumbles, tugging on the leash and purposefully nearly tripping him. `Honestly, Neku, you should treat your composer with at least a _little_ respect.`

“Gotta earn it to deserve it,” Neku lilts, and – did Joshua just **_fart?!_** Holy shit, ew, that’s nasty. “Josh …!”

` Don't be ridiculous,` he replies, eminently proud of himself. `I simply gave you a sampling of some of the sewer air. Eau de la Rivière, as it were.`

Neku groans. “You’re seriously a jerk sometimes, Josh, and just for that, we’re going to the park.”

“Park!” he barks, and Neku laughs at the entirely different kind of talking dog. `You aren't the only one with that idea,` he warns.

“That’s okay. I’d still like to, if that’s fine with you.” Joshua nods slightly, and Neku smiles. He likes people, really. He’s probably never going to be an extrovert, but people are _interesting,_ and scanning them doesn’t make them less so. 

Maybe their problems aren’t always the kinds of things he can understand caring about, but that’s okay. It’s a big world and a big city. There’s space. 

* * *

Of course, hearing he’s not going to be the only person there (in _Shibuya?_ say it ain’t so) is one thing. Walking in on an impromptu open-air concert is something else, and fucking hell but it seems like half the people his age in Tokyo are here. The park’s not _big_ enough for that, damn it, birthrate crisis or no.

“You couldn’t have warned me?” he says, though it’s drowned out by the fans. Good thing he’s talking to a psychic!

Joshua yawns. `My perception is dampened by being down here,` he admits. `I realized when they started, but we were only a few blocks away from when you'd hear it.`

“Asshole, I’m _dead_ now; you’re going to get me trashed.”

His tail perks up as he leads Neku away from the crowd. `You'd only get buzzed,` he corrects, `and even then, only because you're tuned slightly above the RG. You _could_ force yourself down past where you'd hear their fun, but it's unpleasant.`

Buzzed is still more than Neku wants, but he remembers the first time he intentionally went up and how he bounced off the RG hard. “Can you pull me down for a minute?” he says, and he feels Joshua’s power nudge him and everything goes silent as his stomach flips.

Well, no. There’s still a lot of people being very loud, but he can’t _hear_ them at all, not in the way that matters. The wave of intent just – isn’t there, and he feels very alone in his head.

That’s how it’s supposed to be. That’s how it was before he was linked to Joshua, and he pales. Joshua’s watching him, and Neku does that fraction of a step back up to where he’d been. “How …” he starts, and Joshua smiles.

`Radios pick up stations when they aren't on the right channel, do they not?` he says, nonchalantly waving his tail. `You need to be truly RG to cross districts, of course, but there are a few gradations within human perception and you've more than enough power to aim slightly above where you should be.`

So he _can_ shut it all off on his own. Would’ve been good to know that before, but even the few seconds of it was uncomfortable; Neku doesn’t want to picture how it would have been if he’d stuck with it. A bit like when he’d returned to life, he supposes, only he’d have to go back up sometime. 

“Take me somewhere quiet,” he instructs, and Joshua lowers his head to leave, nose near the ground like he’s following a scent trail. Maybe he is: people move out of the way as the composer leads him through the crowd, and while Cat Street’s not one of his favorite places, there _are_ fewer people here. 

A lot of Noise, though, and Joshua’s fur bristles. Neku looks down at him, a bit worried, but he simply statics out into his human form and puts the leash and collar into his pocket. “I’m afraid we should part for now,” he says, voice neutral, and Neku nods. 

“Good luck with Mr H,” he says back. WildKat actually seems to have customers today, though that’s probably about to change. “Tell him I say hi, okay?”

“I’d tell you to tell him yourself, but he truly hates when I leave the house, I’m afraid,” Joshua says with a laugh. “Best for him to know it was my own idea, hm?”

Neku doesn’t know, but he does trust Joshua’s judgement. “Call me if you need me,” he says instead, and Joshua waves and vanishes. Hopping up a few frequencies, Neku senses, and most of the Noise dissipates instantly. Not all of it, though, and if he were in a different mood, he’d be tempted to finish the rest.

Maybe later. Instead, he ducks his head into the JotM shop and feels his awareness drop off. Damn reaper sigils, even if they were life savers back in the Game.

“Long time no see,” the clerk says, welcoming him in. “You forget about me?”

“I got school work I don’t want to shirk,” Neku rhymes back. “You got new stock, or am I out of luck?”

* * *

Neku doesn’t end up buying anything this time, for better or worse. Probably better, given he’s got _no idea_ how much longer his family’ll put money in his account. Oh, hell, he _set a dragon_ on them. Holy shit.

He’s – really not someone who should be trusted with this much power, is he. Then again, it’s not like Joshua is any better. He fucking – he nearly erased Shibuya, and that’s a _lot_ of people.

Biting his lip, he pulls out his phone to text him. `We need to talk. I know neither of us really want to bring up MORE of the stuff from years ago but I think I have to, sorry.`

`Very well,` Joshua sends back, and then: `Now or later?`

`Laters good.` If he got into it now, he’d – he’d probably go too far again. Joshua’s done some nasty shit, but that doesn’t make it okay for Neku to treat him badly, either. 

They’re so messed up. Neku, Joshua, their relationship, everything. No wonder Shiki wanted to wash her hands of it all; she’s tried to get Neku to stop fucking up, but he does it anyway. And some of it’s that she doesn’t _get_ Joshua the way Neku does, but it’s not her fault Neku kept shutting her out again. 

Neku exhales sharply. Shiki doesn’t get Joshua, but she’s who he went to when Neku fucked up, and it couldn’t have gone _too_ badly since Joshua seems marginally okay. She didn’t have to do that. She didn’t have to do that _at all,_ and Neku is so fucking grateful.

Shiki’s a good person. Just because they might not be friends anymore doesn’t make that any less true. There might not be any way for him to make amends, but fuck is he glad she is who she is. 

Wish he had more friends. There’s plenty of people he gets along with, but making deep friendships outside of life and death situations is kind of hard. He’s heard good things about the internet, but eugh, he’s got no idea where to start with that one. 

Well, he’s got one. `Do you need anything to get your computer set up?` he texts Joshua, and even if Neku’s no techie, he can probably get _somewhere_ with it. Even if Joshua’s problems aren’t normal problems. 

` I don't have a screen or mouse for it, though Sanae's given me one of his drawing tablets,` Joshua replies after a minute. Okay, so, monitor, mouse, what other minor details is he missing? 

`Do u have a working tower?`

`Yes, and a keyboard.` But how does he know the tower works without a monitor, Neku wonders. Might just be one of those mysteries, or maybe Hanekoma gave him one. 

Wait. Shit. `Why don't you just conjure one???`

`They update too quickly for the angels to subsidize shortcuts,` Joshua replies. `Just come join us at WildKat, why don't you?`

But Neku doesn’t _want_ to – okay, no, he doesn’t have anything better to do.

WildKat has actual customers outside when he gets there, but he just shakes his head at them and walks in.

“I’m on break!” Hanekoma calls from up the stairs, and Neku smirks. Yeah, thought so.

“It’s me, Mr H!” he says back, heading up, and he hears the door at the top of the stairs unlock. Neku opens it to find a cluttered studio with a tattered couch as the only place to sit, and on it is Joshua daintily sitting atop a sprawled out Hanekoma. “Hey,” he says, and Joshua smiles at him.

“Josh was right,” Hanekoma says, softening. “Wings’re a good look on you.”

Neku’s RG, though, isn’t he? He’s definitely got them away … but he slides up and lets them show as Joshua watches him. “Yeah, I think I might keep them,” he replies. “Might as well.”

“You sure about this?” he says, and Neku notices with disgust that Hanekoma’s petting Joshua’s back. “‘Might as well’ ain’t a good reason, you know, and we both want you to be happy.”

He’s sure got a funny way of showing it. “You’ve made it clear I need to go all in or get out,” Neku snaps, “and I’m picking the former, so don’t you _dare_ try to act like you’re just looking out for me, Mr H.”

Joshua tenses like he’s going to say something, but Hanekoma calms him and Neku wants to punch something. “Shibuya can’t afford half measures,” Hanekoma says quietly, “and we can’t either, so Neku, we _do_ need to be very sure you’re making a choice you can live with.”

“Or not, as the case may be,” Joshua adds, and Neku cracks a grin. “I trust you to know what you’re doing, but it worries me,” he adds, moving to the couch’s armrest to Hanekoma’s evident dismay. “You shouldn’t make decisions for my sake.”

“I’d rather be a reaper than a try-hard,” Neku says firmly. “If I’m going to need to pick between your world and Shiki’s, I’ll just be another reaper getting their degree. It’s fine, Josh.”

Joshua bites his lip, then nods in agreement, but Hanekoma’s unconvinced. “You’re good for the boss,” he decides, and Joshua relaxes. “This ain’t the kind of gamble I like, but the boss is happy and you’ll do right by Shibuya, Phones, even if I did hear about your fuck-up. Just look out for yourself, though, yeah? Nobody wants a promising young artist to run themselves into the ground.”

 _Nobody except you,_ he thinks, but that’s not only unkind but factually wrong. Hanekoma _is_ thinking of the good of Shibuya; he’s just going about it the wrong way. Instead he says: “Yeah, that’s why I’m staying in school for now. It’ll be fine.” Hopefully. 

“About that,” Joshua says, and Neku jerks. “I doubt you can leave Tokyo as you are, or at least not for very long. It shouldn’t interfere with your studies, but it is something you should know.”

He’s never been much for travel. It shouldn’t be a big deal. “I know a reaper from Kansai,” he says instead.

“And they probably arranged for a permanent reassignment,” Joshua replies. “Tokyo UGs have a certain consistency to them by common agreement, but that doesn’t extend to the rest of Japan, and certainly not to the entire world. We composers don’t _like_ cooperating, and homogeneity is anathema to our districts. Like it or not, Shibuya is carved into your soul, and you cannot easily have it buffed out.”

Neku _knows_ this, so why does Joshua want to convince him to – “That’s my job, you know,” Hanekoma says, interrupting Neku’s thoughts. “Producers corroborate so the composers keep their districts within certain guidelines, and we make sure Tokyo reapers can even get into the UG in other parts of Tokyo. Not much farther than that, though; if you want to travel while you’re dead, you’re gonna need to stay RG. But you ain’t completely grounded.”

And he didn’t have any travel plans anyway. “See, Josh? You’re worrying too much.”

“I suppose,” Joshua replies. “Sanae? Would you leave us for a moment?”

“Sure, boss,” he says easily. “I got customers waiting, after all,” and Neku watches him get up and head downstairs. 

Once he’s out of the room, Joshua nudges Neku forward and he obediently lets Joshua flop into his arms. “I love you, you know,” Joshua says, and Neku carefully supports his lack-of-weight enough to pull him onto the couch.

“I know you do,” Neku says into his ear as Joshua pulls him into a hug, “but really, you worry too much.”

“I’m selfish,” Joshua says with a laugh. “I don’t want to mess this up. Not now, not at this point.”

“Neither do I,” Neku says, though it’s been messed up from the start. They’re working at it. They’ll make it work. “I’m not going to blame you if I turn out to regret it, Josh. I _like_ the UG. And you, you know.”

“I’m glad.” There’s still something on Joshua’s mind, though, even if Neku can’t hear what it is, and Neku brushes the hair out of Joshua’s eyes to kiss his forehead. 

In response, Joshua straddles his waist, smirking deviously. Neku’s eyes widen in mild panic, but Joshua just lays a finger on Neku’s lips and presses down until Neku opens his mouth to let it slide in and licks it. Joshua shivers throughout his whole body, and Neku’s extremely aware of his ass on Neku’s crotch.

“You have no idea how much I’ve thought about touching your wings,” Joshua says, voice low, as he removes his finger to let Neku speak.

“I probably don’t,” Neku admits, “but we’re _not_ going to do this here.”

Joshua hums, sucking his finger, and this is _so_ not something Neku wants to turn down. “He wouldn’t mind, you know,” he says casually. “He’s done worse in my house.”

“It’s the – principle of the thing,” Neku manages, mouth dry, as Joshua presses down one more time before floating back onto the armrest, and Neku _really_ would rather he had stayed right there. Mr H. Got to remember Mr H. “Not here, not in freaking _CAT’s studio._ ”

Joshua sighs, shaking his head. “Pity,” he says. “I really wanted to suck you off.”

And Neku’s tempted to let him. “If you take me out through the window,” he says shakily, “I’ll let you do it somewhere quiet in the UG.”

“In public?” Neku nods. “Very well, then,” Joshua says, and as soon as it’s out of his mouth, Neku doesn’t even see him as he pulls them up to a higher frequency and bounds off with him out the window and up to the roof.

The air doesn’t hit his face up here, even though Joshua’s moving faster than Neku’s bike, and his wings are vibrating with the strain. He can’t breathe – he feels like he should be but he just _can’t_ right now, nothing in his chest to move, and –

` Let go,` Joshua says, but Neku doesn’t even know what he’s holding onto. `Shibuya has you; I have you; just relax and let go.`

He’s trying, fuck he’s trying, and he forces an exhale and just – stops, doesn’t try to breathe in again, and he feels his heartbeat fade away as his wings acclimatize. He’s fine. He really doesn’t need to stay alive, does he, and Joshua’s holding him, painfully bright but _so_ careful, and they’re flying. 

Not under his own power, but Neku doesn’t trust himself not to fall, either, and Joshua loosens his grip and lets Neku just – float there. It’s beautiful. Shibuya is beautiful, and here above the 104 building he feels like he can see _everything_. He looks up at Joshua with eyes full of wonder, but Joshua’s watching his city, pensive.

“Why were you going to destroy it?” Neku asks, and Joshua snaps around to look at him. “That’s what I wanted to talk about. You _love_ Shibuya, Josh; how could you ever ….”

“The city is the composer; the composer is the city,” he says distantly, then turns to look at him. “We were corrupt, Neku; I had to take it with me so it wouldn’t infect the rest of Tokyo with our ennui.”

“Plenty of people were fine!” Neku snaps. “Why the fuck would you want to _kill them all_?”

Joshua’s brow furrows as he spreads out his wings, and it occurs to Neku they’re having this discussion hundreds of feet up when he barely knows how to fly. “The UG needed to go,” Joshua says carefully. “I don’t understand how the people come into it.”

“You were going to destroy Shibuya,” Neku says. 

“Yes.”

“A city of two hundred thousand people.”

“Yes.”

“And you _don’t see_ how they matter here.”

“No, Neku, I don’t,” Joshua says frankly. “I believed they would be better off without Shibuya.” Neku clenches his fists, but Joshua continues: “– Neku, I think I see the problem. Are you under the impression destroying a city erases the inhabitants?”

Uh, fucking duh. “It doesn’t?”

Joshua shakes his head, then covers his face with his hand, laughing softly. “I’m flattered you think I have that much power, but _no,_ Neku. Shibuya the entity and Shibuya the physical location are two different things.”

“Explain,” Neku orders, then adds, “like I don’t know anything.” Because he doesn’t.

“A UG is the product of the citizens’ feelings for their community,” Joshua says, falling into his lecture mode. “When enough people identify as part of a group, their soul and intent can coalesce into its own entity, irrespective of the people forming it. Over time, that entity can become strong enough for its own composer and traversible Underground, though it takes significantly less for it to spawn its own associated Noise.

“I have no control over the physical location designated as Shibuya. I _do_ have control over the community believed by its residents to be ‘Shibuya’, and all its associated history fall under my domain.”

Is he serious? Of course he’s serious. Neku looks at him. “So if you destroy Shibuya ….”

“… I destroy the _idea_ of Shibuya, and this would no longer be a place people would have any investment in living, until either a new UG forms or the nearby districts lay claim,” he states, and he looks nearly sheepish. “It’s not something you do when you see other options; the impact on people who’ve devoted their lives to it is devastating, and it’s not unlikely many of them would succumb to depression from the shock. Not to mention that all the reapers would almost certainly be erased.”

Holy shit. “But no one dies?” Neku asks.

“The destruction of soul energy is absolutely tremendous; it’s a massive setback for all nearby artists –”

“But no one dies.”

“Correct.”

Neku groans. “You couldn’t have mentioned this _before_?” And he has to have had some kind of suspicion they weren’t on the same page here, doesn’t he? Or is ‘no, I actually wasn’t going to murder anyone but you’ just some kind of minor detail? 

Joshua crosses his arms, petulant. “I don’t see why you find destruction of a culture a lesser sin than murder,” he says. “They’re different, of course, but why is one more forgivable than the other?”

“It’s just a town,” Neku says, and Joshua gapes at him, scandalized. “You didn’t go through with it, anyway, but the people would have recovered.”

 _“Just a town,”_ Joshua repeats, and Neku suspects he might’ve committed some kind of sacrilege, saying that to the composer. “Neku, dear, you might have what it takes to be a decent composer, but you would never make a great one with _that_ outlook.”

“Good thing that’s your job, then.”

Joshua sighs. “It’s not a great quality in a conductor, either, Neku,” he says. “For all his failings, Megumi knew the whole was greater than the sum of his parts,” and he falls silent.

Megumi Kitaniji’s dead and they killed him. Neku doesn’t regret it, but …. “You really miss him, don’t you,” Neku says, and Joshua folds his wings away.

“No,” he replies, then: “maybe. What’s done is done, and you’ll be marvelous in your own way. I am sorry.”

Neku almost wants to ask him what he’s apologizing for, but there’s no point. He knows already, anyway. “Sorry I brought up old shit again,” he says instead, and Joshua hovers upward. 

“It needed to be done.”

“Not right then, it didn’t,” Neku corrects, and Joshua inclines his head. “Come on, Josh, let’s go do something irresponsible.”


	24. Chapter 24

“Being out here is irresponsible,” Joshua mutters, but he floats back down behind Neku, resting his hands on his shoulder blades. “You’re beautiful,” he says, not for the first time, and Neku shudders as Joshua thumbs near the base of his wings. 

Not yet, Neku thinks, and Joshua agrees silently. “Carry me again?” he suggests, and Joshua easily sweeps him up and settles him over his shoulders, even with Neku being rather larger than him. It means Joshua has to move his arms, though, and Neku whines despite himself. Josh hasn’t even touched his wings, and they’re _still_ painfully sensitive at Neku even thinking about it. 

Neku closes his eyes and just listens for what he can sense, Noise and soul energy drifting through the city to follow the people, and it’s calming. Loud and chaotic, but calming all the same, people clashing to make something better. That’s how it’s supposed to go, anyway, and he itches to redirect the ones going the wrong way.

Joshua chuckles, and Neku tightens his grip. “You’ll be amazing,” he says, and his whole body vibrates when he speaks. “I chose well.”

“Flatter me _without_ complimenting yourself next time,” Neku grumbles, and Joshua laughs. The city sounds different everywhere they go, and Neku makes a bit of a game of it, guessing where Joshua took them before looking to see. He’s not always right, but he’s right more often than not and Joshua exudes pride.

Joshua reaches up to pat Neku’s ass, and he squeaks and kicks his feet, banging them on Joshua’s hips. Joshua doesn’t seem to care, though, and he simply looks up at Neku now that he has his attention. “You should see Pork City properly sometime,” Joshua says. “It’s a bit overwhelming, however; are you up for it?”

Neku shrugs. “It’s your city,” he says. “Show me what you think I should see.”

“So it is,” he says, and Neku curls around Joshua’s head as he pulls them up to a higher frequency. The composer’s power burns, this close up, but Neku doesn’t know if he could get back _down_ from here on his own, and Joshua at least doesn’t _want_ to hurt him. 

He tugs on their pact by reflex, trying to shield himself from Shibuya with Joshua’s own power, but it’s pointless.

`Sorry,` Joshua says, and: `It'll just be a moment,` and it all cuts off as Joshua deposits him unceremoniously in the RG.

“Be careful heading back up,” Joshua tells him, as Neku tries to blink the spots out of his vision and coughs a few times, remembering how to breathe. His ears are ringing and it’s too loud and too quiet at the same damn time. “Pork City can be dangerous for the unwary.”

Neku stands up unsteadily and looks around. They’re on the roof, and he shivers at the memory of the last time he was here. Minamimoto’s not here right now, and Joshua certainly isn’t going to fake his death.

He might sacrifice himself for Neku, though.

“Nice view,” Neku says, carefully leaving space between him and the edge. He wonders if he can still die from falling. Best not to find out. 

“It’s even better if you raise your frequency,” Joshua says, a bit nervous. “Jump as high as you can go; too much energy flows through at once for you to multitask.”

“I don’t know how,” Neku admits, and his wings are still sore from teleporting.

“You can do this, Neku,” Joshua says. “You were tuned high enough a few minutes ago. You can do it again, can’t you?”

But that was with Joshua’s help! Neku barely knows what he’s _doing_ as a reaper! Joshua’s just watching him, though, patiently waiting, and Neku glares at him. The prissy know-it-all never can leave well enough alone, can he, and Neku kind of wants to punch him. 

He’s tuned up too high for Neku to touch him, though, and they both know it. Fuck it; he growls and throws himself at Joshua anyway and feels himself slide up. Joshua smirks at him, but it’s lost in the sudden haze of Noise and soul as all the thoughts of Shibuya pass through here.

If trying to scan Joshua is bad, this is worse, and he’s vaguely aware of Joshua holding him as he tries to comprehend what’s bombarding his senses. He’s lucky he doesn’t need to breathe, because remembering to try is too hard right now.

His head really fucking hurts, and he’s not standing any more, but Joshua’s power is wrapped around him and it’s nearly soothing, most of the sharp edges smoothed away by downtuning.

“Any better?” Joshua says, and Neku nods, or tries to. He thinks he does, anyway; he can’t tell if he’s really moving or seeing or hearing, but it doesn’t matter. Shibuya’ll tell him what he needs to know.

“It’s incredible,” he says, and it is. So many people in Shibuya, all with their own hopes and dreams, and they all feel like they _matter_ here, like Neku can help all of them, like they don’t even need his help. Human potential, for good or ill, all channeled through the city. 

Joshua’s city, and he leans against Neku, pulls Neku into his lap as he remembers again his body. “Thought you would like it,” he murmurs, and Neku smiles at him. 

“It sucked at first,” he admits, “but it was worth it.” It’s _still_ worth it. These are all the people the UG works for, and they’re all important. So many personalities shoved into a small area, so many people looking for more ways to be themselves. “Thank you.”

“Thank _you,_ Neku,” Joshua says, brushing Neku’s hair as Neku melts into putty under his hands. The composer has more power than Neku can really comprehend, but here it’s nearly the same as the energy whirling around them, and Joshua feels … safe.

Neku could stay like this forever, even if there’s some reason he shouldn’t. Shibuya would like him to, he knows, and the chaos is peaceful in its own way. Disorder as the proper state of things, Neku needed only to keep it from stagnation. 

Joshua’s hands venture downwards, teasing Neku’s nipples as he carefully removes Neku’s shirt, and Neku groans in comfortable relaxation. “You’re meant for other things,” he says, wistful, “but let me take care of you for a while, Neku, my conductor.”

“Okay,” he says, and he feels Joshua sliding into his mind. Not changing anything, just sorting through his thoughts for the day, but Joshua brushes against a thought of Beat, and Neku nearly wants to cry about it all over again. 

Beat’s a good person, and so is Shiki, but sometimes things don’t work out. Joshua/Shibuya offers him some of their own knowledge, and Neku accepts it, wincing at the intimately careful imprint as his wings try to make sense of it.

Neku and Beat living together, married in all but name as Joshua tries to stay friends. Beat uncomfortable but unsure how to articulate it; Neku refusing to acknowledge that Beat’s enthusiasm for Neku to see other people doesn’t extend to the reaper who’d killed him, no matter how much Joshua lets Beat delude himself into thinking he’s merely a talking dog. 

Shiki and Eri’s eventual break-up, though their professional partnership remains; Neku making too-sharp comments about Eri and not understanding Shiki’s reluctance to hear him comment on her ex. Neku missing their gallery opening thanks to a composer spat; Eri always wondering why Shiki’s friends with such a flake. 

Theirs might not be the best of all possible worlds, but there’s a possibility of healing from their clean break, and they fill in more possibilities as Neku thinks of them.

In all of them, though, Neku recovers from his breakups. Beat does, too, though not very well when Neku’d gone UG at 25 and Beat learns in his thirties that he’s just not in love with Neku anymore, that he needs someone his own age. Too much baggage, but even then, he finds happiness. 

Joshua rarely recovers, and at that, only in the ones where he and Neku keep their mutual trust and respect, even if the spark is gone. But nor do Joshua and Neku always split. 

And never does Joshua break up with him first. 

Neku’s tempted to bury his fingers in Joshua’s feathers, though he won’t. Not here, anyway, but he gazes up at Joshua’s face and meets his sad smile with one of his own. “Do you regret this?” Neku asks, and maybe he means their relationship and maybe he means Joshua’s whole life, but either way the answer’s the same:

“No,” Joshua says easily. “I did mean it when I said I had a good run. Everything after your Game’s just a bonus.”

“I don’t regret this either,” Neku admits. “I seem happy in those futures, but I’ll be happy here, too, and no matter what, Josh, you’re not allowed to give up.”

Joshua simply watches him, his fingers in Neku’s waistband. “I won’t,” he promises, though there’s no prescient certainty behind it. “If I go into retirement without your approval, it’ll be because I’ve a ready successor. You have my word.”

Neku softens. “Just so long as you’re not sticking me with the job,” he says, and he reaches up to touch Joshua’s face. It’s strange being out here in broad daylight, but not bad, and Joshua catches his hand so he can suck on Neku’s fingers. 

He tenses in expectation of the usual shock from Joshua’s body temperature, but Neku belatedly realizes he isn’t noticing temperature at all, nor is his mouth wet. It’s still nice, though, his fingers as sensitive as ever and Joshua tongues at his calluses with evident delight, teasing out Neku’s associated memories. 

He’s never done music practice with Joshua as an audience – not intentionally, anyway – and Joshua moans in pleasure at the very idea, pressing his teeth to where Neku’s fingers touch the guitar strings and then where he holds a pencil. The energy of Pork City pools around them with the composer’s interest, and Neku’s cock twitches from the echoes of it.

It’s not precisely sexual, but Joshua grips Neku’s cock with his pristinely soft fingers and toys with it, his attention still on Neku’s hand, and Neku shudders. 

`You're a bit young to appreciate creative energy for its own sake,` Joshua says, not unkindly. `Sex is simply the easiest way for you to translate it.`

Like Joshua isn’t himself a horny bastard, Neku thinks, as Joshua gives Neku’s palm a final lick before removing his hand from his mouth and sliding out from under him. Neku sits up to keep from lying on the concrete, and Joshua resettles himself between Neku’s legs, thoughtful. “You’re a reaper,” Joshua comments, eyeing Neku’s cock like it’s dinner. 

“You just noticed?”

Joshua ignores him. “ _And_ we’re only a few notches below my preferred frequency,” he continues, “so you don’t have enough of a body for disgusting fluids.”

“I thought we agreed you don’t diss my body.”

He flaps his hand, dismissing it. “I’m not dissing your body,” he says. “I’m _noting the improvements._ ”

“Which disses my old body,” Neku points out.

Joshua presses his lips together and brushes his nose against Neku’s shaft, delighting in Neku’s shiver. “You can over-identify with disgusting meat sacks all you like,” he says primly, “ _or_ you can consider that you can ensure you won’t fart during sex. Your choice.”

Neku tries to digest that, but Joshua finally deigns to slurp up his cock and that puts a stop to most thinking. How he can still make gross sound effects, Neku doesn’t know, but his wings pick up Joshua’s power seeping through the cracks in Neku’s and he chokes off a screech.

It’s not so much painful as _intense,_ and Neku suspects Joshua could actually erase him doing this if Neku’s vibe was much lower. The blowjob’s almost an afterthought, compared to Joshua pressing into some of Neku’s weak points and cleaning them out, preparing to fill them with caulk, and Neku digs his fingers into Joshua’s hair. 

“Holy shit, what are you _doing?_ ” Neku says, trying not to thrust into Joshua’s mouth as Joshua grasps his ass, and Joshua freezes. “I didn’t mean for you to _stop!_ Just … What the hell?!”

He doesn’t pull his head up to speak, though Neku’d swear he’s actually talking anyway: “I’m working.” And yeah, he is, Neku trying to relax bonelessly onto the hard floor as Joshua pulls him into his face, and all the while he feels like they have the whole city’s attention.

Nobody can see them – there isn’t anyone else on the roof _to_ see them, even if they weren’t invisible – but he feels exposed and raw as he thrusts up into Joshua’s face, then lets go of his hair and allows Joshua to pull him up and over him, Joshua resettling underneath him so Neku can press down.

By rights, the roof should be tearing Neku’s palms and pants up, but it isn’t as _real_ as Neku is, the texture not important to the idea of the building. “Joshua, I don’t –” Neku starts, but Joshua shushes him, still with his mouth otherwise occupied as Neku stiffens and tries to release. 

The peak won’t come, though, and Neku nearly panics as it builds in his wings and gut without a real goal. “Josh, I can’t – I should be done but I’m _not_ –” and Joshua pulls his head back and laughs, even as Neku groans with the loss of pressure.

“Shibuya, darling,” Joshua lilts, and Neku collapses down onto him, spent. “ _There_ you go,” he says, petting Neku as he shudders, half-expecting to breathe heavily like usual but he just can’t.

“I didn’t,” Neku tries to say, “I didn’t come. I thought I was about to, Josh, and then I _didn’t,_ and – what’s wrong with me?”

“Nothing,” he says soothingly, kissing Neku’s forehead. “You’re perfect, Neku, and I love you.”

“But I didn’t _come,_ ” he says again. 

“Did you have fun?” Joshua asks, and Neku nods hesitantly. “There you go, then.”

“But I didn’t come,” he mumbles, and he feels like he might cry.

Joshua keeps petting him, and Neku feels him carefully avoiding his wings as he strokes Neku’s neck and back. “Sex is different on higher frequencies,” he says finally. “You’ll likely approach your old human normal if you pick an RG partner, but sex among reapers is an abstraction. It’s easier for you to understand sharing your body than sharing your soul.”

“You never told me sex would be different,” Neku says, and that might actually be a deal-breaker, as incredible as it was.

Joshua caresses Neku’s shoulders, even as he tenses up, but Neku doesn’t want him to stop and so he doesn’t. “It isn’t,” Joshua says, a bit uncertain. Did he even _have_ sex while alive? “The only difference is you notice when your soul intertwines with someone else, and if their soul is likewise external ….”

“… Then there’s no point where your body says you’re done?” Neku finishes, and Joshua nods. “Yeah, no, that’s a big difference, Josh!”

“Not really,” he says, and Neku’s wings twitch at Joshua leaking worry. “You know when you’re done, and if you aren’t, then you keep going.”

“Orgasms, Josh,” Neku says, and Joshua’s still looking at him blankly. “Can I even still masturbate?”

“In or near the RG, yes,” he says. “Knowing yourself is rather different than letting someone else know you, after all, though we eventually lose the physical drive to.”

Great, he can fap while dead. “So you don’t …?”

Joshua glowers at him, and okay, yeah, that’s really personal. “It’s still fun, Neku, even if I no longer feel any need to. And that’s all I have to say about _that_.”

“I could ask to watch,” Neku comments, but Joshua shakes his head.

“That’s completely different, Neku, honestly,” he says, authoritative, and Neku snickers. “Even if I went through the same motions, the intent would be different and so would the result.”

“You’re still touching yourself,” he points out, though he does think he understands. It’s different if you’re putting on a show, and for Joshua …. “Are you like that all the time?” Neku asks suddenly, climbing off him.

Joshua sits up, comfortably sprawled out. “What are you asking, Neku?”

Oh, god, this is embarrassing. He really wants to know, though, and he loses himself in Shibuya for a moment as he tries to put his words in order. “Have you been faking it with me?” he says finally. He’d assumed Joshua was clean just because that’s the way he is, but if Joshua hadn’t been getting off ….

“I got what I wanted, Neku,” he says, and that’s not an answer. “Please don’t concern yourself with the details.”

Neku groans. He hasn’t actually been getting him off? What a blow to the ego _that_ is, but wait, hadn’t he –

“Neku,” Joshua says patiently, “you’ve never left me disappointed in our ‘encounters’. Do you honestly think I would put that much effort into wasting my time if I got nothing from it? Really, Neku.”

“Then what _do_ you get?” he blurts out, frustrated, and Joshua sighs. 

“I could try to explain some of the intricacies of reaper, composer, and angel sexualities to you,” he says, standing up and offering Neku a hand, “or you could save us a great deal of time and trust me when I say that physical orgasms are only one component of sex and I’m happier my way.”

Neku glares at the hand, still wanting to argue, but he’s just being selfish. After a moment, he takes it and lets Joshua pull him up. “I just want to feel like I’m good in bed,” he mumbles, and Joshua kisses his clavicle.

“You’re fine, Neku,” he says softly. “You know I don’t keep my complaints to myself.”

He really, really doesn’t, but Neku still feels like he failed somehow. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he says finally, and Joshua shrugs.

“It’s hardly relevant, and you still have a human viewpoint _now,_ much less whenever you’d have had me inform you,” he says. “Plus, I suspected you’d then be reluctant to do it at all, and that would be – regrettable. Let me take care of my needs and you take care of yours, hm?”

“Okay,” he concedes, “but tell me if something isn’t doing it for you.”

“I have been,” he says easily, and Neku believes it. He still feels hurt, but he believes it.

Neku sighs – good to know he can still do that – and rubs at his face. It was _nice,_ is the thing, and even with it feeling fundamentally wrong by the end, there’s still little he wants to do now other than cuddle with Joshua. It’s just … it was different, and Neku doesn’t know if he wants to try to get used to it. 

And Joshua’s still watching him, concerned, and it doesn’t suit him. “I wanted to make you feel good, not make you unhappy,” he says quietly. “I apologize.”

Neku shakes his head. “You didn’t actually do anything wrong,” he says. “It just … was weird.” Moreso with his awareness of the city never dropping off, simply swirling around him with Joshua’s attentions before moving on to where it’s needed.

Joshua goes and sits on the edge, his feet dangling off as he gazes out over his district. “It’s strange for me sometimes, too,” he admits. “I don’t _like_ the RG.”

“It’s my home,” Neku says back, and Joshua’s shoulders slump. Neku sits down next to him and reaches around Joshua’s back, gently pulling him close. 

He flops gratefully onto him, though he doesn’t bring his wings out. “I know,” he says sadly. “I don’t mind if you want to be downtuned next time, if there is a –”

Neku cuts him off. “I’m not dumping you just because sex was weird,” he states. “It’s you; sex is _always_ weird.” Only this time, it was Neku who was strange, and he’s not sure how to feel about that.

“I can still revive you,” Joshua says, but Neku shakes his head.

“I _really_ don’t want to die and adjust again.” If he took Joshua up on that, he’d probably never go UG, and the UG isn’t _bad_. Sometimes it’s beautiful, like right now, and he’s half-tempted to throw something off the roof to see what happens. “I might take you up on seeing what it’s like near the RG, though.”

“I don’t think any of the reapers had noticed meaningful differences from when they were alive,” he offers. “A few more turn-ons and slightly different criteria for dating partners, but that’s all.”

That sounds promising. “Different how?”

Joshua hums. “Even if you’ve only a tenuous connection to the UG, it’s hard to be invested in people who haven’t found something to care about. The flip-side is that everyone who _has_ is inherently more intriguing, even if you don’t care about their interest at all.”

He thinks about that. “So dead people find artists automatically hotter?”

“And scientists, and writers, and even just people who spend a lot of time thinking about their hobbies, so long as there’s a creative element,” he explains. “UG eligibility, in other words, which doesn’t exclude all that many people.”

Sounds about right. “Most people have something they like doing,” he says, and Joshua nods. “… How much does being RG bother you?” Neku’s known Joshua dislikes it, but ….

“I haven’t been fully RG since my first week as composer,” he admits, so that’s … three weeks after dying? Maybe? “As for downtuning in general, you’ve seen me most of the times I’ve been within a wall reaper’s perception.”

Neku whistles. Shit, that’s … probably a lot, huh. “Sorry,” he says, meaning it. Neku already dislikes the shift to and from higher in the UG; he can’t picture what it’s like going back to the RG’s claustrophobic physicality when you aren’t used to it anymore.

“It was my own decision,” Joshua replies neutrally, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck. 

And Neku isn’t sure he likes uptuning, either. What a mess. “Does Mr H know we left?” he says suddenly, and Joshua kicks his feet.

“Of course,” he says, and Neku bristles at his tone. “The producer always needs to be able to find their composer, and Sanae is no exception.”

Ugh. “Does he know we, uh …?”

Joshua hums, unfolding his wings, and Neku lets his own brush against them, not really thinking about it. Joshua jumps and Neku yelps, the momentary contact ruining his train of thought like static on a dead channel, and Neku’s tempted to grab Joshua’s before he can jerk them away. He doesn’t – that’d be a bad idea on many levels – but even that brief contact felt _good,_ like he’s got an ally against the rest of the world. 

Joshua swallows loudly. “If he didn’t, he will now,” he says, turning towards Neku, or possibly his wings away from him. “You don’t need to avoid what you just did, Neku, and I won’t complain, but _do_ tell me you weren’t just teasing me.”

He might have been. “I’m not now,” he says honestly, and Joshua groans. Neku stretches his wings out on purpose and just manages to touch the tip of Joshua’s, and he’s immediately blindsided by the full force of Shibuya crashing into him. It’s not painful, though, just disorienting, and by the time he’s aware again, they’re in Joshua’s place, the composer prone on a couch. 

“Please, Neku,” he whines, flapping his wings pathetically, and Neku sighs, finally sliding down near the RG as his sense of Shibuya fades away. Joshua almost just looks like a person down here, with Neku no longer able to hear the energy at his beck and call, and it’s different without being unpleasant. (It helps that he can breathe or not as he pleases.)

Part of him wants to just leave him there, but that would be nothing short of cruel. Instead, he sits on the floor and pulls Joshua’s wing closer to him, gently stroking the feathers, and Joshua pushes into it. Some feathers look a bit out of alignment, he notices, so he runs his fingers through the pinions as Joshua sighs in pleasure. 

“That good, huh,” Neku says, but Joshua shakes his head. It’s not? He tries mentally prodding him for how he _would_ describe it, then, but Joshua doesn’t seem to understand. Probably best to not ask him anything difficult right now, but Neku _is_ still curious. 

He’ll find out later, if he still wants to, but for now he’s content with watching Joshua squirm under his hands. “You know,” he says casually, “you seem dignified most of the time, and then I start petting you and _this_ happens.”

“Neku?” he says, dazed, and Neku’s hands meander to the tufts between his shoulder blades.

“It’s good,” Neku assures him. “You’re doing just fine,” and Joshua melts a little in pleasure. “It’s funny, is all.”

Joshua nods weakly, and Neku pauses to ruffle his hair. He’s absolutely adorable like this, and it’s fun to preen him as he turns into a little pile of mush without enough coherence to be sappy. Maybe that’s what he meant, when he said he still gets what he wants, but it really isn’t Neku’s business. 

What matters is they’re both happy with their arrangement, and Neku thinks they generally are. They fight a lot – a lot more than he ever did with Beat, and Joshua lets out an audible whine and Neku tells him sweet nothings until he calms back down – but they’re trying. They’ve got a lot to work out, after all, but Neku thinks he’s up for it.

“You’re a good boy,” Neku says, and he tries to keep a straight face as Joshua looks _so amazed,_ like this is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to him. “You’ve been trying really hard to be good to me, and thank you,” he adds, and Joshua honest-to-god _trills._

Neku can’t keep himself from giggling; that’s just too much. Joshua stares at him, mortified, but Neku just smiles at him and yanks a loose feather out and Joshua buries his head in the couch.

“You’re wonderful, Neku,” he says, muffled.

“Thanks,” Neku replies, smiling, and he finally leaves his wings alone. Doesn’t mean he gives him some space, though: as Joshua tries to put his head back in order, Neku hops up onto his couch to sit on Joshua’s flat bony ass.

Neku is king of the mountain, and the composer is in no shape to contest it. Truly, Neku is the winner. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Undead blowjobs? Undead blowjobs. Sure.


	25. Chapter 25

Leaving his wings alone doesn’t mean leaving _Joshua_ alone, though, and Neku plays with Joshua’s hair, still perched on his ass. Joshua folds his wings up and lets them vanish as he returns to himself, letting out pleased groans whenever Neku scritches his scalp. Dignity? Joshua needs no dignity, and Neku’ll gladly take it off his hands.

“Do you mind,” Joshua grumbles eventually, and Neku slaps his ass twice as Joshua jerks, but fails to dislodge him. 

Neku shakes his head, though Joshua can’t see it. (He probably doesn’t need to, anyway.) “I don’t know,” he replies. “I think I like it here.”

Joshua holds out his hand. “Feather?” he says, and Neku hands him it expectantly. He taps it to his mouth, tasting the shaft, then hands it back to Neku, who replaces it as Joshua arches up without dislodging him. “You’re not very respectful of your composer, dear conductor,” he adds, petulant, and Neku snorts. 

“I’m watching his back,” he says, and Joshua groans at the pun. “You all right?”

He hums, noncommittal. “You did well with my wings, but I feel a bit – impatient.”

“Are you _ever_ patient?” he asks rhetorically. “Hey, how does the wing thing feel, anyway?”

“Indescribable,” he says immediately, and Neku flicks his head until he elaborates. “A little like you’re the only thing in the world, and your approval is what I live for. It’s terrifying, but in a clean way; it’s all out of my control so I can relax now.”

That is … not the answer he was expecting. “It feels bad?” Neku says blankly. “Then why do you …?”

“No, Neku,” he replies, patiently. “It’s _scary,_ but in a controlled way. I’m defenseless, but I trust you, and you treat me well.” He slides out from under Neku, passing through the couch to not drop him, then fades back in sitting next to him, his head on Neku’s shoulders. “It’s amazing,” he adds, and he’s blushing. 

Neku wraps his arm around him, squeezing his side. “It sounds unpleasant,” he admits, but his wings ache, even put away as they are.

“It can be,” he murmurs. “You _do_ need to trust them implicitly, and even with that, most reapers don’t ever do it. It’s necessary for composers, however, and simply between friends for angels. We can’t maintain our feathers ourselves; it’s a countermeasure for our tendency to become isolated.”

Neku swallows, sick to his stomach. He’s sure Joshua enjoys it, but the idea that Joshua _has_ to make himself vulnerable like that … Neku feels like he’s taken advantage of him, suddenly. “I’m sorry,” he blurts out, and Joshua chuckles.

“Don’t apologize,” he says. “It more than makes up for physical orgasms, I assure you, and that’s without even accounting for the taste of your soul when you know _I_ am the one giving you pleasure.” He licks his lips, and Neku shivers. “There’s nothing like it, you know; I know exactly what and how you feel, and _then_ I can have you take all my responsibilities away, if only for a little while. It’s you who’s cheated by this, really.”

“You give good orgasms,” Neku admits. “You’re weird about it, but you’re witty and interesting and I always know you’re going to do something unexpected during sex, and even if I don’t like it at the time, I’m going to look back at it and laugh, and do you know how rare that is? Knowing that every time I sleep with you, it’s going to be memorable in a different way? You’re a complete _brat,_ but I know you mean well, really.”

Joshua smirks. “Now that you’ve admitted it, I’m never going to let you live that down, you do know that?”

“Good thing I’m not alive,” Neku replies, and Joshua beams at him, an edge to his smile Neku’s not sure he likes. A reminder of Joshua’s capacity for cruelty, and though Neku’s pretty sure Joshua isn’t a sadist …

… that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want Neku at his mercy. “You’re one of my reapers, Neku,” Joshua says. “I doubt that will ever lose its novelty.”

“I’m not going to take orders from you,” he points out. “If you start expecting me to be another Shades, I’m going to quit.”

Joshua drapes himself further over Neku, letting his head fall into Neku’s lap. “I won’t; no need to worry about that,” he says easily. “But _since_ you intend on exercising your mind of your own, any time you _do_ follow my wishes is all the more satisfying, wouldn’t you say?”

No. No, Neku would _not_ say. “I’ll just have to spite you,” he replies, though he might give in sometimes to encourage him whenever he’s doing the right thing …. Hm, this idea has potential. 

And Joshua’s grinning, even more self-satisfied. Neku might be making a mistake. “If you ever want help to stop thinking, Neku,” he says, “I’d be happy to give it.”

Yeah, definitely a mistake. “Help _how?_ ” he says suspiciously, and Joshua offers him an image.

Neku at Joshua’s feet, tied to him by a loose chain, a necklace, a bracelet, a chord of Noise: `it's your choice, Neku dear, and you could go without, but I do _so_ love the symbolic bondage, don't you?` as Joshua goes about his daily business, his hand running through Neku’s hair and teasing at the base of his wings, though he never actually touches them. Neku, too, might be working, but his role here is composer’s pet, and Joshua’s forbidden him from speaking. Imprints or waiting for Joshua to scan him of his own accord only; the composer dislikes mundane sound, and here everything obeys the composer’s rules. Even Neku: Joshua won’t continue the scene if Neku breaks character, and he’ll reward him if he lasts until _Joshua_ decides it’s over. 

The real Neku double-takes at the imprint, not sure how to react. Is this how Joshua thinks of him? – but no, even within it they were clear it was an act, something to do for fun, and it has the feeling of a well-worn fantasy. Why this is what Joshua would contemplate in his private time, Neku doesn’t know, but the fact remains that it _is_ and Neku needs to be careful, or else Joshua won’t share again. 

“Why?” he says finally. “What do you get from that?”

“I like being in control,” Joshua says simply.

Neku knew that much, but fuck, there has to be less ridiculous ways to get it. “And that’s all you’d want to do with it?”

He looks at his nails. “Oh, I don’t know,” he says blandly. “It might be fun to jerk you off, if you’re particularly well-behaved.”

Even expecting it, Neku still chokes. “Don’t think that’s what people generally do with pets,” he mumbles, and Joshua shrugs. 

“It’s what I would do with you,” he says honestly. “Pet you, feed you, _possibly_ fuck you, though that really wouldn’t be the point, and simply enjoy your company as we both do as we please.”

And the leash would have nothing to do with it, Neku’s sure. This had better not be some kind of revenge for the dog-walking, and Neku crosses his arms over Joshua’s face, glaring at the foosball table like Joshua’s absurdity is its fault. 

“Did I cause offense?” Joshua says eventually. “I know I don’t own you, Neku, but it would be nice to pretend.”

Yeah, for **him,** maybe. Neku keeps glaring for a while, then sighs and pets Joshua’s hair. “Nah,” he says eventually. “It sounds like fun, but you’re going to have to give me a while to get used to the idea.”

Joshua smiles up at him, trying to turn his head enough to kiss Neku’s hand as he squirms and lets out little groans of pleasure. “No rush,” he says easily. “I wasn’t sure if you’d be amenable at all, to be honest.”

“It’s not asking much of me,” he points out. It’s not really asking _anything_ of him, actually: people generally don’t expect their pampered pets to be at their beck and call. “You got any other weird fantasies about me?”

“Of course,” he says. Neku waits. “Were you expecting me to share?”

**_Asshole._ **

Joshua sniffs. “Neku, I’m hardly going to bare my id for you when I hardly know **your** kinky interests. I expect payment in kind before I even consider sharing ones you’ll find less innocuous.”

But Neku _wants to know._ He shakes himself; he’s being petty and really not fair, even if Joshua’s other fantasies are likely to be worrying. They’re fantasies, he reminds himself. Joshua doesn’t expect them to come true; they’re just things he likes thinking about.

“What makes you think I even _have_ kinky interests?” Neku snaps, then reconsiders. He’s not **vanilla,** damn it!

“I’ve met you, for one,” he replies loftily, and Neku flips him off.

“Have you been reading my mind,” he growls, and Joshua stares at him. Okay, yeah, that’s a bad question. He tries again: “Did you spy on me when I was jacking off?” 

Joshua furrows his brow. “Why would I even want to?” he says, and that’s _not_ a denial. Neku starts to scramble up, but Joshua holds him steady. **“No,”** he blurts out. “Neku, I honestly have no interest in what you think about in your own time, and any time I checked on you and you _were_ masturbating, I tuned you out immediately.”

But how can he – Neku takes a deep breath, and feels the pressure Joshua’s exuding lighten up. “You didn’t spy,” he says, and Joshua’s thinking of bolting.

“I didn’t,” he confirms, and Neku reaches for his shoulder, though Joshua diverts him to rub his arm instead. “No good could come of it if I had, and I’ve had enough of the awkwardness that comes from _not_ ignoring any thoughts of me that may or may not come about during that activity.”

Neku tries to relax, and he feels Joshua offering his help. Can’t hurt, he figures, and Joshua releases a whistling sigh as Neku’s heart rate calms back down and his breathing returns to normal. He rubs Joshua’s ears in thanks, watching him close his eyes. “You sound like you’re speaking through experience,” Neku mentions, and Joshua cracks an eye open. 

“It’s rude to speak ill of the dead,” he murmurs, and Neku strokes his neck, conscious of Joshua pressing into his hand. 

“ _You’re_ dead.”

Joshua barks a laugh. “It isn’t any of your business,” he says, and then: “Megumi had a crush on me. He never acted on it, and I never brought it up, but I regret knowing. Is that what you wanted to hear?”

Neku shuts his mouth. It isn’t, but he _was_ prying, and he regrets it. There’s just so little of Joshua’s history he knows, and he – he keeps wanting to change that, but it’s never anything he feels better for learning. “Sorry,” he says, meaning it, and Joshua shrugs.

“There’s nothing to be done about it,” he says quietly. “I give strangers their privacy because I honestly could not care less, and people I know so I don’t learn anything I can’t easily forget. Even if it’s about me. Perhaps especially if it’s about me.”

He nods slowly. “Yeah,” he says. Need a topic change …. “So what do you think you know about me?”

Joshua pauses, thinking. “You’d make a decent sadist,” he muses, “though you’re the type who would need constant reassurance your partner’s enjoying it; you don’t get off on the thought of it being unwanted, even if both of you know it’s just a scene.”

“I don’t know if I should be offended,” Neku states, and Joshua laughs. 

“It’s a compliment, really,” he says easily. “I think you would be bored without any of that, and I – conveniently enough – am a masochist through and through.”

Neku hadn’t really thought about it like that, but it makes sense. “Go on.”

“You’d also make a decent dom,” he states, “though I can’t see you as being much of a switch. You like feeling in control too much to ever give it up, while I like having it effortlessly, or fighting for it and losing. I _am_ lazy, you know.”

That, Neku can agree with. “Topping you would be an exercise in futility,” he says flatly, and Joshua chuckles, irritating as ever. 

“That’s what makes it fun!” he says with a shit-eating grin, and Neku presses his elbow down on his face. Joshua licks it, and the cold tongue against his funny bone leaves Neku’s hair standing on end. “Case in point.”

“I think you’re just trying to give me an ulcer!” Neku squeaks, and Joshua laughs at him. Jerk! Jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk, _jerk._

“As for top vs bottom,” Joshua finishes, “I would say … bottom. _Definitely_ bottom.”

 _“I am not a bottom!”_ Neku shrieks, and the laughing. Always with the laughing.

“Neku, it’s not a value judgement,” he says, and Neku still feels like he’s being judged. “I simply mean you prefer being acted upon to being the active one. In other words, you’re lazy in bed.”

“I do plenty!” he snaps. He’s been active plenty of times!

And Joshua’s still smiling, though when isn’t he? “I’m also lazy, Neku,” he says. “One of us has to do the work, and I hate working up a sweat.”

He doesn’t sweat _anyway._ Neku recrosses his arms. “You go down on me,” he points out. 

“Which doesn’t involve moving, note.” He’s grinning at his own cleverness, and in this regard, Neku can’t blame him. Neku gets off, Joshua enjoys _getting_ him off, and Josh gets to be a lazy fucker. (Literally.) “If you’re looking for a starting point, consider – as an example – ordering me to pleasure you, and think of what you might want from there.”

But Joshua _likes_ pleasuring him, he thinks, and then Neku could slap himself. Of course he does; that’s the point. They’re both supposed to have a good time; that’s why Joshua talked about his preferences, so Neku knows what to keep in mind. “Maybe,” he says, and Joshua folds his arms behind his head to recline further onto Neku, his feet propped up on the couch’s armrest.

“I look forward to seeing what you come up with,” he says, and Neku smirks. Oh, no, he won’t. Not once Neku knows what he’s going to do.

But that can come later. “Do you have my shirt?” he asks, and Joshua snaps his fingers. Neku’s bag reappears on the table, and next to it, the shirt he was wearing earlier. “Going to take a shower,” he explains. 

“Ah, the perils of youth,” he sighs, sitting up and putting his bare feet on the table. Joshua wiggles his toes, and Neku belatedly realizes he’s still wearing shoes from being outside. He flushes, and Joshua quirks his brow. “Congratulations on earning mopping privileges,” he says. “Supply closet is behind the bar.”

“ _You’re_ the one who teleported me straight in here,” Neku grumbles. _And_ he’s getting his feet on the table, gross. Even if they are clean.

“I’m incapable of collecting dirt,” he says. “The same cannot be said for your shoes.”

Neku rolls his eyes. Joshua might be talking, but all Neku hears is _blah, blah, blah, I am a prick._ He’ll probably do his part in cleaning up, but it’s Joshua’s own fault and he’s the fucking composer: he can clean it his own damn self.

Meanwhile, Neku’s fucking him for some obscure reason. Ugh.

He storms off to the bathroom, bag of stuff in hand, and then realizes. He _takes his shoes off_ and storms off to the shoe rack, and his freaking slippers seem like they’re laughing at him. “Your taste is bad!” he informs Joshua, but Joshua’s as unaffected as ever.

The shower’s a breath of fresh air, even with the humidity, and it’s _so nice_ Joshua’s place has one even with Joshua not needing to bathe.

… Why _does_ Joshua have one? He tries sending Joshua a mental nudge, and Joshua sends back a flash of proud pleasure. Neku’s growing so fast~!

“This is reaper headquarters!” Joshua shouts over the rushing water, and he sounds like he’s standing right outside the shower door. Neku furrows his brow, but doesn’t try to check. “Other people need these amenities, even if I don’t, and some find it relaxing after a long day!”

“So it’s not about me?” Neku yells, faux-indignant, and Joshua laughs.

“Few things are, my dear Neku,” he says, and he fades away. Neku shakes his head: he didn’t need to put it _that_ way, but oh well. 

What would he do, without Joshua to kick his pride in once a conversation? Jerk. (But he’s Neku’s jerk, and he smiles fondly at the thought.)

He takes his time in the shower as always, careful not to muck up his hair, and even if it’s not efficient, Neku’s sure the water isn’t precisely real. Or perhaps it’s more than real: his wings feel the patter of the spray as much as the rest of him, and he lets his frequency climb until his lungs start rebelling from the strain, Shibuya’s power washing over him in more ways than one.

Shibuya power and Shibuya dirt underscored by Shibuya love, and Neku feels the district ease him up past where his body functions. It should hurt, but all he feels is Joshua’s hum of excitement and pride as Neku finishes his shower and steps out, already dry. He roots through his bag for an outfit, and while he always remembers how he got his clothes anyway, the faint ringing in his ears catches a sour note when he touches something he bought elsewhere, Shibuya pushing him towards Shibuya products.

Joshua’s not the only one who gets territorial, Neku supposes, and he might need to sort through his laundry if this will always happen. “I’d be wearing it all in Shibuya,” he grumbles. “You don’t need to be this grumpy.”

`Shibuya wants you to take up the conductor mantle,` Joshua tells him as Neku gets dressed. None of his clothes have wrinkles anymore, and Neku feels strangely pleased with himself once he’s got on local brands. `We know you'll leave, but Shibuya wants you as Ours as We can make it. That means buying local or making things yourself, as much as you can manage.`

Figures. Neku rolls his eyes dramatically, and checks himself in the mirror. His hair’s flawless, even better than it’d been before he put the shower cap on, and he has to stare at it for a minute before he accepts that. His hair’s as much an art piece as some of his clothes, he supposes, and he decides to test if his whole body’s a canvas by the district’s standards. Let’s see, what does Joshua have in his cabinets ….

Heh. Even if Neku’s barely seen him wear it, Josh still has at least a bit of a lipstick collection, and Neku picks out a nice gunmetal grey. He’s pretty clumsy about application, but it evens out even as Neku puts it on and it _looks_ right. Appropriate, even, and he feels his wings twitch. 

He heads back to the lounge, and Joshua’s napping from all appearances, though Neku senses that he’s merely working. “You found my secret,” he says, and Neku lowers a brow. “Your appearance is mutable, dear Neku, but Shibuya remembers and will help you be who you’re supposed to be.”

“So no smearing?” he says, and Joshua inclines his head, eyes still casually shut as he reclines on the table and couch comfortably.

“None whatsoever,” he purrs. Lucky bastard, but that’s Neku now, too. “Nor will it fade until you wish it to, and no one will find it noteworthy.”

Neku purses his lips. “How do you mean?”

He cracks a violet eye open to look at him. “Did you think this was my original palette?” he drawls, curling some of his bangs between his fingers.

“I’d never really thought about it,” Neku admits, and Joshua nods sharply. Oh. That makes sense, he supposes: Shibuya kept Neku from questioning it unprompted. “It’s not natural?”

“Not originally,” he corrects. “I haven’t put effort into _that_ facet of my appearance for decades, and you won’t have to, either, the more you keep your body a construct. Time doesn’t affect us the same way as it does humans.”

‘Us,’ like Neku’s the same as him. His first reaction’s to object, still not willing to be grouped with him even if it’s true, but Joshua’s lazy smile goes forced and he feels a flash of guilt. If Neku plans on keeping his wings, he _is_ going to have more in common with Joshua as time goes on, and that’s not a bad thing. 

Neku takes a deep breath, and while he can’t use air at this frequency, his wings pull from the district with the gesture. “It’s just weird to think about,” he says, and Joshua nods absently. No offense taken, as far as he knows, and he leaps onto Joshua, Neku’s shape staticking as he jumps.

Joshua lets out an _oof_ of surprise, but he’s spongy under him, no bones to clunk against, and Neku bounces back up. “Hello, Neku,” Joshua says, amused, and Neku leans back on him, pressing his shoulder down on Joshua’s face. He hears a chuckle, and that’s the only warning before Joshua deftly lifts him enough to lick between his shoulders, and Neku shrieks. 

Cold, cold – well, not _really,_ but that’s what Neku expected and that’s enough to make it so for a moment, and only Joshua’s grip on Neku’s power keeps his wings from whacking Joshua in the face. “Neither of us want that, dear,” he murmurs, kissing where he’d licked, and Neku deeply regrets sitting on him. It’s not unpleasant, but it’s horribly intimate and Neku has the bizarre feeling of panicking without his heart racing. 

Nothing’s wrong, he tells himself; it’s all fine and Joshua means him no harm, no harm at all, but it’s hard to get himself to _believe_ that and Joshua holds perfectly still, waiting for him to relax. “I’m okay,” Neku says after a minute. “I’m okay.”

“Inform me if I go too far,” Joshua says, but all he does is loosely wrap himself around Neku, pulling him into a light hug. Neku relaxes into it, and Joshua cautiously nuzzles him. It feels _so weird_ on this frequency, Joshua’s mood mattering more than the contact, but all Neku senses from him is Joshua enjoying his company and wanting him to be happy, and it’s a heady feeling. 

So strange, to know he’s one of the most important things in Joshua’s life, but sad, too. He sends his own reassurance and concern for Joshua’s wellbeing, and Joshua replies too quickly to interpret.

`?` he sends, and Joshua repeats it slower. He has other friends, other hobbies; Neku doesn’t need to worry about what else Joshua does with his time.

It’s hard not to worry when he knows Joshua doesn’t have that much else going on, though, and Joshua sighs in exasperation, kissing up Neku’s neck. Marking territory, and Neku’s not as bothered by that as he would have been. Joshua means well; he wants Neku to know he has somewhere to return to, that’s all, that he’s wanted for his own sake, not what he can do for him.

Joshua wants him, but he doesn’t want him _for_ anything. He just wants him to be there, and Neku turns so he can pet Joshua’s hair. He might be preoccupied with whatever he’s working on, but that doesn’t stop him from groaning at Neku’s touch and guiding Neku’s hands down to caress his face. He’s so smooth, no pores Neku can feel, and Neku leans in to kiss him.

His heart’s not in it. He’s just as enthusiastically terrible as always, but his heart’s not in it and Neku knows it, feels his attention wandering, and he’s nearly insulted. Only nearly, though: Joshua is Shibuya’s first and foremost, and that’s … that’s not something Neku should change, or even wants to. Neku keeps kissing, though, and Joshua smiles into it, even as his mind’s on some interference in Udagawa, a scar in the local energies that collects Noise.

“Am I distracting you?” Neku murmurs, and Joshua shakes his head, not willing to spare the energy to vocalise. They’re both Shibuya’s, after all: their district can spare them time for themselves.

Neku doesn’t really understand the work he’s doing, but Joshua tosses him the visualization of some of it and Neku tries to imagine how he’d work out the tangles. It’s more complicated than that, he knows, but it’s close enough for composer work, and Joshua strokes Neku’s shoulder in pride. 

“You know, Neku,” he says when they reach a break point, “tutoring someone you like is one of the most satisfying things you could do, now that you’ve got your wings.”

Good to know, only he doesn’t know who he’d teach, or what. “Dead people like sharing their reasons to hang on?” he guesses, and Joshua applauds. 

“Bravo, Neku: precisely,” he says, and as obnoxious as he is, Neku senses he said it completely earnestly. A little strange, but Joshua adds surprise that Neku could even _think_ he’s being sarcastic, and Neku groans. “You sound like me, you know, not just like Shibuya.”

“How do you tell?” he asks, and Joshua shrugs, like he might as well ask _what’s red._

But he instead pulls Neku closer, and Neku loses himself for a moment in all Joshua needs to pay attention to. So many people, all with their own lives. “May I?” he asks, and Neku nods jerkily.

Their focus tightens, Joshua leading the way, and Neku presses himself closer to him even as it burns the shell of his wings. They drift through space for a moment, only people and the echoes of architecture relevant to their senses, until Joshua settles on the Bitou family, filling Neku’s awareness with their music. 

They deserve their privacy, he thinks, but Joshua interprets each line into their hopes and dreams, their histories, their relationships. Beat and Rhyme share so many motifs, especially, and that’s what Joshua points him to. They’re functional pieces on their own, but together their medley’s even greater, and Joshua points to their borrowed chords and Shibuya’s editing notes. Everyone adopts bits and pieces of other people’s music into their own – and he shows him hints of Neku, too: his resilience and determination, his ability to plan, their partnership in week three – but it’s not always healthy, and he pulls back to their last conversation with their parents. 

They love each other – he’d assumed as much, but now sees it to be true – but that love is poisoned by their misplaced expectations and what-might-have-beens, and every iota of Neku itches to fix it. He can’t, of course, but he _wants_ to, and Joshua pulls him back to his body.

“I love you,” Joshua tells him, as Neku tries to reorient himself, and it’s a question.

Neku smiles, as good an answer as any, and Joshua slides him down so he’s lying on the couch with his head in Joshua’s lap, letting him stroke him possessively. “I know you do,” he murmurs, and Joshua thumbs at his ear.

“You can’t fix everyone,” he says. “We’d erase ourselves trying; there’s too many and we need to let them do it for themselves, as much as we can.” Neku closes his eyes, and Joshua continues: “The Bitou children will be fine. You made sure of that, dear Neku.”

The idea settles uneasily over him, so he says: “You aren’t going to claim responsibility?” It was Joshua’s Game, after all, that pushed them to work things out.

“You talked to him, befriended him, supported them both once you returned to the RG, and they’ll never forget that, no matter what happens later,” he says with quiet pride, and Neku blushes. “Rhyme misses you, by the way, and Daisukenojo wants to remain friends.”

“I’ll talk to them,” he promises. “… Why do you call him that?”

Joshua stiffens. “That’s his name,” he says sharply, then corrects himself. “His preferred nickname is too informal, I suppose.”

“It’s rude to call someone by a name they hate,” he grumbles, but at least Beat doesn’t have to hear it. “Maybe I’ll call you Yoshiya until you switch.”

Joshua gazes down at him, something complicated on his face. “I met a version of me who hasn’t gone by Joshua for decades,” he admits. “You can call me anything you like, Neku. You already do, after all,” and there’s an edge there. 

“It’s not like I don’t know what your name is,” he grumbles. “I just don’t like using people’s names.”

“That would be more convincing if I didn’t know you usually _don’t_ know them, Neku,” Joshua says. “People usually like hearing their names.”

Neku shrugs. “I can call you by name more often if you want me to, Josh,” he says, and Joshua’s grip on him tightens. “Still not going to do it often, but if it means something to you ….”

“Names are important,” he says seriously, as he starts massaging Neku’s scalp, and Neku feels that extending into his mind a little. Not meddling, exactly, but loosening up some of his thoughts and it’s _nice,_ Neku eagerly pushing into his hand. “To call the Bitous by their nicknames is to claim familiarity, and I suspect they’d rather I never think of them at all.”

‘Suspect?’ Neku mouths, and Joshua elaborates: “Raimu knows many composers would have left her Noise. She’s scared of me, but she’s unlikely to judge you for our association, Neku.”

Neku momentarily pictures a world where Rhyme never got to come back and shudders. Fuck, no wonder Beat won’t take that as evidence Joshua isn’t out to get them: that’s just a minimum standard of decency, not even worth considering otherwise. “Did you get in trouble for that?” Neku asks. _Joshua_ might be fine, but the higher ups ….

“No,” he says easily. “We have free reign, more or less; our budgets are our only real constraint, and reviving her was a comparatively minor part of cleanup.”

Neku nods warily, and Joshua adds: “ _Sanae_ was questioned over it, but no one would bat an eye over a producer saving a player or two in other contexts, so long as the composer approves. They aren’t supposed to, but everyone does it.”

So he got in trouble, but only because he was a huge asshole. Neku’s fine with that, actually, even if he’s still not sure he’d trust the Higher Plane as far as he could throw them. “I’ll talk to her,” he says again, and he’ll do it soon, too.

“Excellent,” Joshua says, even as his fingers burrow into Neku’s scalp and he doesn’t feel like moving _ever._ Neku feels spoiled, he really does, and Joshua just looks proud of himself for it. “Neku,” he says, digging into his shoulders, “you’re beautiful, truly.”

Neku’s heard that, yeah, but instead he lets out a rattling whine as he squirms up onto Joshua’s lap, and he feels Joshua’s hands go _through_ his wings in surprise. “You can touch them,” he says, his voice wavering, and Joshua pauses before returning to his ministrations.

“You shouldn’t trust me,” Joshua murmurs, running his fingers along Neku’s hyoid bone to feel him swallow, but Neku’s undeterred. “Neku, _why_ do you trust me?” he says plaintively, and Neku reaches up to grab his wrist, smiling.

“You’re my partner,” Neku says simply. “I trust my partners, and you’re not going to do anything I wouldn’t want you to.” Even if he revises Neku’s memories, he won’t take more than Neku wants him to. Just enough to make it easier, just enough for them both to know Joshua can do good with it.

Neku knows what he’s doing in handing over control like this, and yet it’s Joshua who’s scared. “I didn’t put together a plan of attack,” Joshua admits, but Neku figured as much. Another way to give Neku an out; another way to force Neku to take it. Neku’s sick of it, sick of everyone thinking they know what’s best for him.

“This way you know to play it safe,” he says flatly, and Joshua closes his eyes. “You won’t hurt me,” he adds, and Joshua bites his lip.

He’s done the same for Neku plenty of times; what’s the problem? Neku knows Joshua wants to; he’s just … afraid to want to, Neku supposes, or hates himself for it. “Joshua,” Neku tries carefully, because this is important: “I know you’ve done a lot of nasty things, and a lot of it was awful to me personally. I _know._ I’m never going to forget it, either.”

“Nor should you,” he mutters, and Neku flicks his face.

“I’m not gonna,” Neku says again, “but that was a while ago, and I trust you, okay? You’re a bastard, but you’re not the kind of bastard who’d mind control me, or erase me, or whatever the fuck you’re scared you’d do if you had the chance. It’s _okay._ ”

Joshua stares at him, then vanishes and reappears on the other couch, and Neku doesn’t bang his head but it’s a near thing. “No, it isn’t,” Joshua says, and Neku hears him pulling Shibuya around himself, feeding off the district for emotional support, and Neku wants to sigh. “Neku, I don’t think we have the right kind of relationship for this.”

 ** _“Then why do you keep letting me do it to you?!”_** Neku yells, and Joshua freezes. “Sorry, I just – you keep jumping at the chance to show me you trust _me,_ and then anytime I try to return the favor, you get like this. What the hell are you so afraid of?”

Joshua stares at him a moment longer, then slumps, his wings unfolding, as he flops down onto the couch with his hand over his face in some caricature of frustration. “You,” he says simply, and Neku groans. “Neku, I don’t understand how even now after you’ve seen more than your share of my capacity for cruelty, you would _still_ claim to trust me. Did you think our first time was a fluke?” He places his own hands over his throat, and Neku winces. 

“You’re not a bad guy,” he says, but Joshua only laughs. 

“I wanted to know if you could do it,” he says, and the corners of his mouth are up but that’s no smile. “I could have found other ways to introduce you to my wings, but I didn’t _want_ to, Neku. I wanted to see you with blood on your hands, and if it was mine, all to the better. Will you still profess to trust me?”

“Yes,” Neku says, even as the confirmation stings. He thought as much, but ….

“You asked me about my fantasies,” he adds, and Neku’s stomach drops in dread. “Shall I tell you how much I want you with a gun to my head?” _No,_ Neku thinks, but Joshua tries to send him the imprint anyway, and Neku’s wings tingle from the strain. “The only reason you trust me is you refuse to know me,” Joshua says lightly. “I’m not whatever saint you imagine me to be, dear Neku; I’m Shibuya’s composer and none of us are known for kindness.”

Neku rubs at his forehead. “I never,” he starts, but it’s pointless. Joshua isn’t going to listen. “Look, if you don’t want to, that’s fine; just tell me.” Joshua bites his lip, and Neku continues: “Or _don’t_ tell me, but stop trying to chase me off! I like you, and you fucking _know_ I like you; what the hell do I have to do to prove to you that you don’t have any surprises up your sleeves, huh? Just –” and he cuts himself off, unwilling to keep putting himself out there, as Joshua shifts to his dog form and pads over, putting his nose in Neku’s face.

He sighs and starts petting him, and Joshua licks his face. `I'm sorry,` he says miserably. `I don't know what to do, Neku.`

“You can start by not trying to piss me off,” Neku states, but he pulls Joshua into a hug and pats his neck. “I’m not mad at you, Josh; I just … you keep pulling this shit, and it’s rough, dude. Doesn’t mean I hate you, doesn’t even mean I get mad at you, but I don’t really know what I’m doing _either_ and you just got to try to trust me, okay? Believe me when I say I trust you, because I ain’t wrong to, even if you’re a fucked up mess.”

Joshua shudders back into human form, gazing down at him. “I’m trying,” he says quietly. “It’s difficult, Neku.”

“I know,” he replies, and he does know, really. Not the same way, but the self-hate? The constant attempts at pushing people away? Neku’s been there, and Joshua did more than a bit of getting him back out. “ _Do_ you want to?”

And he sits down next to him, shoulders hunched. “Very much so,” he admits, “but I’m not sure why you would.”

Neku takes his time getting his thoughts in order; Joshua probably wouldn’t be convinced by _because I want to,_ even if it’s true, and Neku knows it’s an intensely personal subject. He trusts Joshua; he’s curious; he wants to more fully experience the UG; because he _can;_ but what he says is this: “If you trusted a composer, wouldn’t you want to try it?”

Joshua chuckles darkly. “You sound like Megumi,” he says, and Neku pulls him into a hug. “I still don’t know what mistakes I made with him, you realise.”

He doesn’t, either, but there’s no way of answering that. “You’ll be careful,” Neku says. “I trust you.”

“You shouldn’t,” Joshua mutters, but Neku baps him and he adds: “I know you _do,_ but my feelings remain the same.”

“Are you planning on hurting me?” Neku says, and Joshua goes blank. “Then it’s fine.”

He hums as he leans on Neku like a pointy blanket, and pulls Neku’s arm up and over his neck. “Wing-touching for the first time is generally unpleasant, Neku, and the types of work I’d like to do are liable to leave you a wreck for a day or two,” he says. “Nothing damaging – simply refining some of your memory triggers and helping you better use your wings – but either one of them is stressful and I’d want to supervise your recovery.”

This again? He’s not _surprised_ Joshua’d been serious about it the whole time, but he was half-hoping it was just to dissuade him. “Okay,” Neku says steadily. “I trust you.”

Joshua’s silent for a moment, then snaps up. “You should go do anything you need to do around town in the next few days _now,_ Neku, and I’ll make sure I have everything I want for you by the time you get back.”

“Chili dogs, right?” he says, and Joshua smiles.

“Absolutely,” he says, interlacing his fingers, then he glances at the wall tank and sighs softly. “Shall I make up the guest room?”

He has a guest room? Neku thinks, then realises. Oh. _That_ guest room. “You need new furniture for it, don’t you?” Neku says uncertainly. “That’d be nice, but only if it isn’t too much trouble.”

Joshua inclines his head, determined. “If you’re going to stay over with any regularity, it’s a good idea,” he says firmly. “Do you know what sorts of things you’d want?”

Neku shrugs. “I could go to IKEA and look around,” he says, and Joshua makes a face. “What? It’s _cheap._ ”

“Cheap it may be, but if you’re buying from there, that’ll be _your_ furniture and I expect you to take it with you when you find a place of your own,” he grumbles. “It’s your room and your prerogative, and I’m all in favor of you having your own space, but that’s _icky._ ”

“Icky,” Neku repeats. “Well, Josh, it’s my best idea on short notice,” he says, and Joshua rolls his eyes. Yeah, okay, it _is_ Neku’s fault it’s even on short notice, but it’s not like Neku was going to stay in the room of some dead guy.

Some _other_ dead guy.

“Take some of the reapers with you,” Joshua says finally. “You’ll need extra pairs of hands, and I am _not_ going to ask other composers for their cooperation in moving things the fast way.”

“Aren’t they on break?” Neku says rhetorically, but let’s face it: Joshua can probably tell them to do anything at any time and they’ll hop to. He can erase them on a whim, after all. “I’m not sure how I feel about this.”

“We pay them,” he says simply, looking at his nails. “Not very well, I’ll grant you, but they get overtime for this sort of thing, and I can send out a request for volunteers.”

“And if no one does …?” They’ve got to have better things to do than help Neku shop, after all.

Joshua brushes his hair out of his face. “Such little faith,” he says lightly. “Yashiro and Kariya both would like the extra hours, and if you buy them lunch to seal the deal … well, it’s not on me to help you win them over, but you’d hardly be the first to employ the reapers for odd jobs.”

He still doesn’t have any of their names down, but Joshua sends him the image irritably anyway, and right, Pinky and Lollipop. Not exactly his first choice for shopping partners, but not his last, either; they’re reasonably competent and a decent sort. “I’ll ask them when I know what I want,” he says. “I don’t want to waste their time or anything.”

“As you will, then,” he says, laying a kiss on Neku’s forehead. “They aren’t doing anything exciting today, however, and they really _could_ use the overtime pay. It shouldn’t be a problem.”

They still aren’t Neku’s personal army of gofers, though, and he doesn’t want to treat them like it. “So,” he says, changing the subject, “what do you think I need?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kink negotiationnnnnnnnnn.
> 
> Happy holidays! Have a bonus chapter; I felt like updating.


	26. Chapter 26

He’s got a reasonably thorough shopping list by the time he’s done, and he even manages to text Rhyme that he hopes she’s doing well. That was all the social interaction he’d had planned, but she got back to him quickly and he doesn’t have the heart to leave her to face the school week alone. 

“Are you sure you’re okay?” she asks him for the third time, when he zones out while she’s talking about math class, and he forces a nod.

“I’m fine,” he says. “I just got weird associations with trig, sorry.”

“My brother does, too,” she admits. “He tries to hide it, but I remember – some things, and the stuff that’s been on his mind lately ….”

“My fault, I think,” Neku says, and it hurts to admit it, but it’s true. “I’m, um, I’ve been helping out the composer with some stuff, and he’s worried about me.”

Rhyme hums, stretching her arms, and he notices he can barely scan her at all. A pleasant surprise, but strange. “If a tree falls in the forest and nobody’s around, does it make a sound?” she says rhetorically, and then looks up at him. Fuck, she’s tall these days. “He thinks if he ignores things he doesn’t like, it doesn’t matter that they happened. He’s stubborn.”

“He is,” Neku says fondly. Usually he’d be the one trying to kick him out of that, but this time, it’s probably unwanted. “Is he okay, do you think? We broke up a week ago ….”

She sighs. “He’s okay, but you know how he is. Fall down seven times and get up eight, but it takes him a while to see why he keeps stumbling.”

“That’s what he’s got us for,” Neku says fiercely, but right, shit. “Let me know if there’s anything I can help with, okay? For either of you.”

She fidgets. “Are you sure you’re okay, Neku?” she says carefully. “Because you’re ….”

“I’m what?” he echoes, and she shrugs. “– Don’t tell Beat, but I’m, uh, a reaper now,” he blurts out. “I don’t have any duties or anything and the composer’s offered like a billion times to rez me, but it’s pretty neat and I _really_ hope you’re not mad at me –”

“I’m not mad,” she says quickly, but he doesn’t think it’s sunk in yet. She bites her lip, thinking, then says tentatively: “It isn’t bad, for you?”

“It isn’t,” he confirms, and if anyone has the right to be angry at him, it’s her. “The composer’s a good guy and I _really_ like him and he needs someone to help him with stuff and he’s not going to make me do anything I don’t want to, I swear, and –”

She holds up her hand. “I get it, Neku,” she says. “I’m … I’m not happy about this, but it’s your decision, and – I know the reapers aren’t all bad. A lot of them have been nice to me since – since, but nobody’s a monster, Neku. It’d be easier if they were, so we’d know. Be careful, okay?”

“I’m trying,” he says, but she’s less than convinced. She’s got a point, though. “Are you going to tell Beat?”

“Not ‘til he stops getting aggressively cheerful every time someone mentions you,” she replies matter-of-factly, and Neku groans. That bad, huh. “It’s our secret, but ….”

But she’s not happy, he finishes, and the prospect of her disappointment is even worse than if she’d yelled. “I’m on the lookout for kids like you were,” he says abruptly. “I don’t want – that was wrong.”

“We knew the rules,” she says, and it’s not a comfort, but Neku supposes you have to at least start making peace with that if you spend a week as Noise. “Life has suffering; ours just had the final pain sooner than most. I try not to be mad about it.”

“You’ve got new dreams, and time to chase them,” he tells her, and she smiles. “It’s still not fair, though.”

She shrugs. “It is what it is.”

It still sucks, but they know that. “Sorry about dumping some of my problems on you,” he says. “I know you’re busy.”

Rhyme squints at him in disbelief, and Neku shuffles. “Neku,” she says frankly, “when I offered to hang out, I knew it was going to be weird. You just broke up with _my brother._ ”

“Hey, he broke up with me,” he corrects, but she waves it off. 

“I’m just glad you’re not trying to talk smack about him! Do you know how much of that I hear from my friends?”

Oh, fuck. High school. Neku groans. “I am _so sorry,_ ” he tells her honestly. He didn’t need to deal with that, but she’s got more friends than he did. Thank you, Going Home Club, you worked wonders on Neku’s social life. 

“At least you two were _sensible_ about it. All I hear after class is oh, Kyouko was making out with Haru in the stairwell, and Kyouko’s _boyfriend_ found out and now keeps telling her how he’d like to watch, and she finally dumped him but now he’s mooning after her friend Hana, when everyone knows Hana has a crush on – when will this _stop,_ Neku?” she says plaintively, and he laughs.

“I’m not sure it does,” he admits. “You just get better at avoiding it. Then all the weird shit keeps happening, but you can sit back and watch.”

She crosses her arms. “Easy for _you_ to say; you have that … dog … friend.”

“Joshua?” he says blankly. _“What did Beat tell you.”_

“He asked me how to tell if you’re a furry,” she says, “and then I told him to stop because there are things I don’t need to know about my brother.”

“Oh. Good.” That is less bad, at least, even if Neku _isn’t a furry._ “Joshua’s the composer, for the record,” he adds.

“Oh,” she lets out, then: _“Ohhhh.”_ He waits. “Does Beat know?”

He scratches his head awkwardly. “I told him a few times,” he says, “but I don’t know if it stuck, because apparently Shibuya doesn’t like letting people remember he’s not just a reaper. He’s not a bad guy, though.”

She nods faintly. “He saved me,” she mutters, and he rubs his shoulder. 

“He did what he needed to do to make it right,” Neku corrects. “He’s not – altruistic, or anything like that, and he honestly can’t be in his position, but he wants things done properly and he wants them done well, and leaving you dead would have been half-assing it. You and Beat were paired for a reason, and he _hates_ breaking up partnerships, especially when he tried to orchestrate them beforehand. It wasn’t something he did _for_ anyone.” It’s important that she understands that. 

Joshua isn’t kind, and he certainly isn’t _nice,_ but he’s got ethics and he sticks to them. Shibuya comes first. Always.

(And Hanekoma’ll take him down if it starts looking otherwise. Neku needs to not think about that.)

“You know, that makes me feel better?” she says, pushing her hair back. “If it wasn’t personal at all … I’m glad.”

“It wasn’t,” he assures her. “Do you know if Shiki’s doing okay? We had a fight.”

Rhyme hums. “I haven’t seen her for a bit, but I know Eri’s doing well and I think she’d say something, if there was a problem again.” He nods slowly, and she adds: “I need to get my homework done sometime, so ….”

“And I need to do some shopping,” he says. “See you around?”

“Yeah.” She smiles at him, and Joshua was right: that went well, comparably. Not great, but not bad, either; their friendship isn’t conditional on his with Beat.

It’s good to remember, sometimes, that just because he’d made friends as a group doesn’t mean he has to see them as a group. And high school’s rough, too: she’s going to need people she can count on.

He sighs and pulls out his phone. He really should’ve scheduled this earlier, but too late now, and he digs through his contacts for Kouki Kariya and Uzuki Yashiro. `Hey, I need to do an IKEA run and could use an extra pair of hands. Ill buy you lunch and the composerll count it as overtime. You up for it?`

It doesn’t take long for them to reply: a `FUCK OFF` from Pinky, a `fuck yeah lunch` from Lollipop, and an `actually yeah` from Pinky. Okay, Pinky, okay; Neku isn’t offended, but he doesn’t restrain himself from laughing at the screen, either, before texting them a meet-up spot near the station and heading off.

Okay, single best reaper perk? Free phone internet, or at least Neku isn’t charged for it, and holy shit but he’s got an up-to-date map app _maintained by psychics._ He tries searching for IKEA, and – come _on,_ Tokyo composers can’t seriously spend this much time writing screeds about how much they hate the evil Swedish conspiracy to undercut local businesses. Oh, good, they don’t: they make their conductors do it.

` Memo to Joshua,` he types out, `Im quitting if you expect me to spam this thing for you.`

`It's only spam if it's irrelevant, Neku, but noted.`

Neku makes a rude gesture at the screen, then looks at what’s around the closest ones. Wait, fuck. He rings up Joshua, a bit nervous, and he feels Joshua at the edge of his mind as he picks up. “Yeah, hey. What definition of Tokyo are we using here?”

Joshua hums, and Neku knows he’s twining his hair in his fingers. “For what?” he says easily.

_“How far can Tokyo reapers travel.”_

“I don’t know,” he says, lightly enough that Neku kind of wants to scream. “Sanae coordinates with the producers for all of the special wards, so certainly that far; let me put him on.”

Neku’s tempted to object – how does Joshua _not know this?!_ – but before he can, he’s aware of Hanekoma joining Joshua, and Neku’s lip curls. “Hey, Phones,” Hanekoma says. “What’s up?”

“Hi, Mr H,” he says reluctantly. “So if Tokyo reapers can only travel around Tokyo, what definition of Tokyo are we using, exactly?” Because that’s _kind of a big deal._

“You can visit and at least scan in any of the urban parts of the metropolis and Kanagawa, Saitama, and Chiba prefectures,” he says immediately. “Maybe some of the towns and villages, too, but don’t quote me on that. Or at all, but you know what I mean.”

“I wouldn’t,” he assures him, though not for the reasons he means. Okay, so he’s not actually stuck in _Tokyo._ Good.

“Do **not** try fighting outside of the Tokyo special wards,” he continues, and Neku makes a face. “You will lose, and nobody likes an interloper. In fact, don’t touch anything at all, if you head out; you can probably imprint but the paperwork is hell.”

Neku wasn’t exactly planning on fighting anyone, but the idea of not being one of the big things in town grates on him anyway. “Why would I lose?”

Joshua laughs. “Neku, dear,” he says, as Hanekoma grumbles about him stealing the phone again, “you’re a Shibuya reaper. My _neighbors_ don’t all believe in the elegance of pins; do you really think your fighting style would translate with people I don’t even email?”

They don’t all use pins? Neku hadn’t noticed. “Fine, I wasn’t going to anyway,” he sulks, and Hanekoma takes the phone back.

“So yeah,” he says, “you should be able to make a day trip anywhere within these four prefectures, but watch your back if you go someplace rural; you can exhaust yourself before you know it. The special wards will support you for sure. Past that … a lot of people commute to the city, but the UG ain’t always happy about it.”

“I’m just making a shopping trip,” he assures him, and Joshua sends him an imprint of Hanekoma’s thumbs-up before they drop the call. It’d be nice if they said bye more often.

So, he can take his pick. Tachikawa’s closer, but he’s thinking Funabashi just so he can send Joshua some pics of the harbor. If the guy hasn’t left Shibuya in fuck knows how long, he hasn’t seen water, either, and that’s just weird.

Neku’s a homebody through and through, but maybe the reaper travel restrictions matter after all. If he wants a beach vacation … well, he could probably make it, but who knows how long he could stay before he needed to head back to recharge. 

And finding his own place somewhere the rent isn’t an arm and a leg’s out of the question. Special wards or bust, and sure he likes Shibuya, but his folks aren’t exactly likely to splurge on housing for him while he’s in school if he’s living a few blocks away. The dorms, yeah, maybe, even if it’s just as quick to live at home, but rent … well, fuck. 

Joshua has money, sure, but not enough for him to ask to go on the payroll without some _serious_ thinking. He’d move into Josh’s pad before that, and it might be fancy as fuck with plenty of space, but it’s also … unlived in.

(Because the tenant is dead, and so are the visitors. Boom ba da boom.)

Neku’s tempted to look over Joshua’s finances and see if he can get him to set aside some money for Neku, or if that would be too much like gold digging, or what. It’s not like Joshua spends it himself; he just spends it on … things like paying some reapers to go shopping with him. That’s kind of messed up, isn’t it? Shouldn’t Neku have friends that aren’t paid? 

He should, but he doesn’t. Not right now, anyway, and it’s with _that_ happy thought he raises his arm and waves the harriers over. (If they’re still harriers, anyway; Neku vaguely recalls hearing they got promoted.)

“Hey, hey!” Lollipop – Kariya – says, even as Pinky looks like she’d rather be anywhere else. “You look weird with wings, Phones, I got to say.”

But he’s already seen Neku with – Pinky stares at him, then groans. “It’s not enough for you to become conductor while you’re alive, is it, but you have to jump _that_ high when you die?!”

“Well, conductor,” he has to say. “Be weirder if I died and came back as a wall reaper.”

“Be weirder still since nobody starts out a wall reaper,” Kariya corrects, and Neku inclines his head. “Uzuki, he won’t take your job; find your chill. He’ll just get you more street time, I promise.”

Who is he to say that, huh? “That’s not your decision to make!” Pinky hisses, and he double-takes at agreeing with her. “How do any of us know he won’t poke his head in and _ruin everything?!_ ”

“I don’t want to ruin everything,” Neku says flatly. “I just want to buy some furniture from IKEA and spend the evening swearing at it, I promise. And you can help me, or you can go, but if you come along, you get dibs on laughing at me.”

“I would do that anyway,” she promises, and Neku and Kariya snort. “Okay, fine, but only because I need the money, you hear?”

“Loud and clear,” Neku says with a straight face, and then he explains the plan. Train, transfer, behold bay, behold cheap furniture, lunch, go home. Wow. Fun times. 

He feels a little bit bad when they get their own tickets, since he’s supposedly paying them, but only a little bit. He’ll get them lunch, after all. 

“I haven’t been to Chiba in years,” Kariya mentions once they’re on the train, Neku’s bizarre reaper aura making sure they at least manage to stand together, busy train or no.

Pinky groans. “Seriously, old man? It’s right there, and _sure_ it’s not that interesting, but you have to get bored enough to leave Tokyo sometimes, right?”

Ugh, district border. At least he’s not the only one thrown off: Kariya unceremoniously grabs the neck of both of their shirts and holds them up, even as he goes a little pale himself. And the Funabashi IKEA ain’t close, either. Great. 

Once they’ve all got their breaths back, Kariya shrugs. “I make sure I can still travel, but what’s the point? I like Tokyo: always plenty to see right by home.” And he sighs: “That’s what you spring chickens never seem to get. It ain’t a punishment, needing to hang around your home. It just means you need to remember why you love it, eh?”

“The composer hasn’t left Shibuya in fifty years,” Neku mentions, and Pinky – Uzuki – stares at him. “And maybe that’s fine by him, but that’s weird, you know?”

“Well, composer,” Kariya points out, and yeah, maybe. 

“He’s _that_ old?” she says. “Fuck, no wonder you keep telling me to bide my time,” she tells Kariya, and Neku whips around to her. 

“If you try anything –” he starts, but they both look at him like he’s a dumbass. “Right, sorry.”

Joshua’s used to assassination attempts, he reminds himself. He thinks they’re _funny,_ and he still keeps Pi Face around, after all. “He’s a nice guy,” Neku says suddenly. “I know everyone wants his job, but – he’s a nice guy, and it creeps me out people want to kill him without having met him. He’s annoying, but he’s not _that_ annoying, you know?”

“Well, composer,” Kariya says again. “They ain’t like us, and you’ll need to remember that, Phones. _And_ that a few assassination attempts is just a way of saying ‘hello,’ sometimes.”

“I still don’t like it.”

“Who _cares_ what you like?” Uzuki bursts out. “God, all that time with just the composer to worry about, and then we get some brat who wants to be a meddler, and maybe I didn’t like the old guy, but he was chill, you know? You knew where you stood, with him! And you just –”

“Uzuki, your wings,” Kariya says, and she hastily down-tunes. Yeah, too many district crossings to go UG, and Neku forces himself to think as they get off to switch trains, none of them willing to chat on the platform. Probably better not to have this conversation at all, really, or not anywhere people can hear, but Neku barely knows any of the reapers and he needs to change that.

“I don’t want to meddle,” he says slowly, once they’ve relocated, and he feels _weird_ here, less than he is. “I mean, I do, because the system is broken, but I don’t know what I’m doing, really, and I’m not going to pull anything when I don’t even know how it currently works. The composer’s been trying to teach me, but he’s – I don’t think he really remembers being alive at all, you know? So it’s weird.”

Kariya chuckles, and even if Neku feels self-conscious, at least he said that to one of Josh’s friends. “He’s a good kid,” he says. “I’m glad he’s got you.”

“I’m glad I’ve got him, too,” Neku says honestly, and Pinky rolls her eyes. 

“You people acting like composers have feelings,” she grumbles. “If they’re real people, why doesn’t anyone ever see them, huh?”

Probably because it’s dangerous, Neku thinks, and Pinky’s one of the people who keeps it so. He doesn’t say that, though, and Kariya just ruffles their hair. Neku and Pinky both splutter in fury, but the jerk doesn’t care and it’s fucking hilarious seeing Pinky with her hackles up.

Uzuki. Whatever. 

“They’re not like we are,” Kariya tells her. “They’re still people, but they’re all recluses and that ain’t never gonna change, so keep that in mind when you plan for a promotion, you hear?”

She snorts. “Like I’d be that kind of loser,” she says. “If I get that much power, I’m going to _use_ it, not hang around in a basement all day like some kind of weirdo.” She glances at Neku, then adds: “I could go for my own cute toy, though.”

“I’m not his toy!” Neku splutters, and she laughs. 

“Ooh, sensitive!” she says, and Neku _accidentally_ bumps into her with his shoulder. She doesn’t lose her balance, though, or at least not until they cross districts a moment later and Neku feels sick. 

It’s Chiba. It’s just Chiba. He has been in Chiba before. Come on, he can do this, but not being in Tokyo feels _foul_ and he hears the UG scolding him for the insult, barraging his wings with Noise or could-be-Noise until Kariya pulls him back down, and Neku notices with dismay that he got hit a lot worse than Uzuki. 

“Nearly there,” Kariya says. “Sorry, newbie: travel’s always a pain in the ass. Be grateful you’re young.”

He nods awkwardly, but Uzuki furrows her brow. “I’m older than him, though,” she says, and Kariya laughs. 

“Yeah, but you actually can stay in the RG without a problem, eh? Not sure Phones is bright enough for that.”

“I’m plenty bright,” Neku manages, and fuck does he want off the train. “I just – like it up here.”

Kariya shakes his head, and they wait the rest of the ride in silence, even as Neku keeps flickering in and out of the RG proper. As uncomfortable as it is, it’s _interesting_ hearing other neighborhoods once he starts adjusting, and at least he’s not traveling alone. 

Might be easier if he were, but they can carry him back if they need to, and Neku’s grateful Joshua insisted on the company. They know what he’s going through, too, or at least some of it; he winces at the thought of having asked Beat or Rhyme or Shiki to come along. Just what he’d need: them judging Joshua for Neku not taking switching prefectures too well.

He’s – he’s handling it, though, and he _can_ tell that he’s still in the same general urban area he’d been in. It’s different, but not too different. He can do this.

Doesn’t stop him from stumbling off the train once they hit their stop, though, and the reapers don’t bother to help him keep his balance. “I want to take some pics of the bay,” he says. “I don’t really care enough to see the port, though.”

“Well, _I_ want to go shopping,” Uzuki says, one hand on her hips, “and LaLaport’s right there. I don’t care what you losers do, but –”

“– Pokemon Center,” Kariya says suddenly, and Neku snaps around to look at him. “I need some things for my collection. _Let’s do this._ ”

But Neku needs to get furniture! He doesn’t say that, though, because _fuck_ he needs to get Rhyme something, and maybe Beat something, and Joshua, and – “Last one there’s a rusty pin,” he blurts out, and they’re off.

The reapers aren’t his favorite people, but fuck if they went up a few places in his estimation, because shopping with them? Shopping with them is fucking _awesome,_ and not just because they’ve got similar tastes in clothes as him. (He loves Shiki dearly, but damn does she not really see the appeal of wearing all the awesome shit at once. No, it’s all awesome, so it matches. That’s how fashion _works._ )

No, they’ve got similar taste and they can shit-talk like the best of them. Sure, maybe he’s their boss now, but that just means they ask him what he’s willing to spend the composer’s money for. Not that he actually **does,** because Joshua’d probably be pissed about how oh no, his money has left Shibuya for _Funabashi,_ but it’s chill and he can nearly forget about his fights with his living friends.

Nearly.

He picks up a Pachirisu for Rhyme and a Furfrou for Joshua, then they mock some of the clothes in the shops (they ain’t gonna buy shit that’s not from Shibuya, no way) and Neku stops to send Joshua a bunch of cellphone pictures of them in front of the Starbucks.

`I see they don't have real coffee, unlike Shibuya. §ԾᴗԾ§` Joshua replies, and Neku laughs. Yeah, sure, that’s one way to take it, but then Neku sends him a few pictures of Funassyiland and _that_ doesn’t go over as well. Maybe Neku should buy a toy of that weird pear thing for Joshua, only he might actually dump him.

Neku has the weirdest feeling the local composer’s laughing their ass off. Well, Neku doesn’t mind, and if Joshua’s ego’s still smarting when he gets home, Neku’ll kiss it better. Yeah!

Once they’re sort of bored, Neku ditches them in the IKEA restaurant to go hunting for furniture, even as the district feels both gratified and offended that that’s what some Shibuya reapers came here for. Fucking Swedes. And as for shopping itself … well, it’s a pain in the ass trying to write down all the things he wants when they can’t even be bothered to spell things like normal people. How the hell is he supposed to pronounce any of this? Ugh, seriously. They could at _least_ write out the kana for it.

Does he want a single or a double bed, anyway? Eh, Josh is pissed about IKEA, and he could always just go over to Josh’s room, so … fuck it, single, even if he does have a boyfriend. And even if he ends up having people over later: they can work something out.

(Is he even likely to have people over when he gets his own place? He can’t really imagine so …. That’s what love hotels are for, after all, though maybe Josh could teach him how to soundproof things. He’s got to have some tricks that work outside his pad.)

He calls over the reapers around when it’s time to find all the damn parts he needs in the warehouse, and thank fuck for reaper super strength because carrying a bunch of massive pieces? Not actually his idea of a good time! At least it’s all in the most compact form it can be in, or else this would end up completely hell. 

His room’s going to be awesome. It still creeps him out he’s going to set up in Shades’s old place, but fuck it: the guy’s been gone for years and plenty of people like being able to stay with their boyfriends. It’ll be fine. IKEA shit even more or less matches parts of the current aesthetic, or at least doesn’t clash too badly. 

“You’d better be right about the composer considering this on the clock,” Uzuki grumbles, “because fuck this shit.”

“He said he would,” Neku replies vaguely. “I’m telling him about your shopping spree, though.”

“What!? Oh, damn it!” she squawks, and Neku cackles. She didn’t really think she’d get away with that, did she? 

… she probably actually hoped she would, hahaha. She glares at him like he’d poured a bucket of water on her, and Neku laughs harder. Kariya just cracks a small smile, and that’s probably why she only kicks Neku once they’re out of the store, and damn, high heels hurt. 

“One sec,” Neku says. “Got to check the bay.” The sun’s cracking under the horizon, too, so he leaves the bags with them – er, with Uzuki, since Kariya’s decided to come along, and jogs the two blocks to get a decent view. 

Snap, and snap, and – Kariya’s got a real camera, and he takes some pics too. “It’s Uzuki’s,” he explains. “She ain’t the sentimental type, but I told her I don’t go out this far usually, either.”

“Thanks,” Neku says honestly, a huge grin on his face, and Kariya levitates the camera back to get some good selfies. “You mind sending me those when you get them?”

He chuckles. “Sure, kid.”

Neku picks a few of the better ones, then sends them to Joshua. `Missed you.`

There’s so much in Shibuya, but it’s small, really, and Neku doesn’t want … doesn’t want his world to shrink so soon after he’s expanded it. That’s all.

He wipes off his face, and they head back. 

“So you two run off without me and have _a moment_ ,” Uzuki growls, “leaving **me** with the bags. Assholes!”

Neku shrugs. “If it bugs you so much, I’ll wait here with the stuff and you can check it, too.”

“There was a sunset,” Kariya says blandly, “and that junk was huge. Wasn’t it, Neku.” Neku stares at him, face blank, and Kariya groans. “Junk, Neku. Junk. It’s a type of ship.”

Puns work _so_ much better when your audience knows what you’re talking about, but at least Uzuki didn’t get it either. “I don’t really care,” she admits, “and you need to leave the dick jokes to me.”

“Sounds good,” Neku says, over Kariya’s objections, and they make their ways back to the station. Funabashi seems disappointed to see them go, but at least traveling back is less bad than leaving Shibuya, and they’re all too tired for much conversation.

Life is good, even when you’re dead. It’s important to remember.

Transferring trains with a bunch of unassembled furniture’s a pain in the ass, and some people are clearly mad about these damn kids with bulky things on a Sunday evening, but Neku and Uzuki have shit-eating grins fit to take on the world, and Kariya naps standing up, and it’s fine. Tedious, but fine. 

“Thanks for all your help,” he says, once they get off back in Shibuya, and the reapers laugh. 

“Thanks for the paycheck,” Kariya replies. “You need help carrying this somewhere?”

He might, but … hmm. _Josh?_ he thinks, but he doesn’t get a response. Busy, not absent, though, that’s for sure. “If we get it down to the bus station, I can manage it from there,” he decides. Fuck yeah, levitation!

“Well, I’m out,” Uzuki states. “I got actual shit to do, so bye.”

Neku smiles at her and puts up his hand. After a moment, she reluctantly high-fives him, and then bolts. Okay, Pinky. Okay. 

Kariya glares down at the stuff, and Neku sighs and hefts it over his shoulder. What a pain, but at least now it’s just bulky instead of heavy. 

“You catching the bus?” he asks, and Neku shakes his head.

“Josh has space at his place, so I’m staying with him for a bit,” he explains. “What do all you guys do?”

“We’re all paid enough for rent, then most of us got part-time jobs,” he says. “Be careful with the boss, kid: he might not mean any harm, but he doesn’t think the way you do, you know?”

Nobody does, he starts to say, but Kariya continues: “Kid, he’s been composer for _decades._ Humans are something he observes from a distance, and you might not be human now, but you’re still more human than not. Just … be careful with his feelings, be careful with yours, and don’t push too hard if it ain’t important, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Neku says, embarrassed. He’s glad Joshua has people looking out for him, but he hates that he got this talk. “Do you think I need to worry about – Uzuki, and everyone?”

He shrugs, casual as anything. “She won’t be making a serious go of it for a while,” he says easily. “She talks a big game, but she knows there’s a lot she doesn’t know about the job yet, and even if she wants it. The boss can take care of himself.” He chuckles, then floats up a bit purely so he can ruffle Neku’s hair. Neku flails indignantly, trying not to drop anything. “People might go after _you,_ but you got a while before you’ll be seen as any real target, don’t worry. Just don’t pull anything, yeah?”

He nods slowly, unsure how he feels about being smack in the middle of reaper politics. He’ll probably panic about it later, but for now it doesn’t seem real. “Thanks,” he says, and Kariya grins at him. 

They head down into the sewers together, Kariya content to help him manage his stuff past the minimum, and Neku’d be worried about the air damaging anything, only Kariya took one sniff and summoned a bubble around it all.

Neat trick, especially with the psych out of battle and all, but he just takes it for granted and Neku’s kind of begrudgingly fond. The reapers aren’t bad people. Ruthless, sometimes, but in a refreshingly honest way, and Neku thinks he might be able to deal.

“Tell the boss I said hi,” he says, once they get to the lounge, and Neku nods firmly, taking the rest in his own levitation.

“I will,” he says, and he’s gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas!
> 
> Any anachronisms to do with stores at LaLaport are _totally intentional,_ by which I mean I know it's anachronistic but I don't care.


	27. Chapter 27

The lounge is empty when the door automatically lets Neku in, and he carefully shrugs off his shoes without letting the psych loose. His stamina's much better than it used to be, but levitation's still a pain, and he calls out, “Josh? I need you to get the door.”

A thunk like something dropping – Neku hurriedly checks that none of it’s his – and Joshua appears, artfully disheveled and covered in paint. “Allow me,” he says, and Neku gratefully lets him take all the furniture, leaving Neku with his small bag.

“Good to see you,” Neku says, but Joshua just nods vaguely and brings the stuff to the spare room. 

“Could you shower?” he says, voice clipped. “You _reek_ of Chiba; it’s disgusting.”

Neku glowers, sniffing his pits. He smells okay … right, Joshua’s a territorial bastard. “I guess, but you could at least have said hi ….”

“I apologize for my rudeness,” Joshua replies, straightening, but he doesn’t actually seem that contrite and Neku heads off to the shower. Figuring out what crawled up his ass and died’s too much effort.

At least that goddamn hell worm’s happy to see him. And you know what? Neku had actually been having a pretty good day, before this.

He’s tempted not to get dressed again after he rinses off, but eh, Josh really does keep the place way too cold. Instead, he checks the little closet next to the nap room and pulls out a cute set of pyjamas. Pink and blue, so clearly Joshua’s, but they just about fit even with their size differences. Thank you, drawstrings and Joshua’s frequent fondness for baggy clothing. 

He heads out the other way once he’s dressed, and yyyyep: the other door leads to an empty room. Well, mostly empty: there’s some familiar boxes scattered about the floor and a tarp set up so Joshua can paint a wall. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t ask you first,” Joshua says quietly. “I wanted it to be a surprise.”

“You did good,” Neku assures him, stepping back to look at it. It’s a mural, and even if it’s not remotely the same style as CAT’s, he can see the influence. Shibuya’s chaos in the bright colors Neku so loves, with the landmarks all in Joshua’s favored painterly style, and Joshua gestures to the chalk, brushes, and rollers for Neku to add his own touches.

“You can see where I haven’t added detail yet,” he says as Neku nods, “and the black paint there and on Q Floor is chalkboard paint. … do you like it?”

In answer, Neku picks up one of the smaller brushes to add in the people. “I love it, Josh,” he says honestly. “Thanks so much.”

Joshua beams, and Neku feels him encroaching into Neku’s mind to show him what he’d planned for the bits where he’s only blocked out color. It’s fascinating watching him work, his telekinesis deftly letting him paint in multiple areas at a time with no regard as to where his face is pointing, but Neku slides in to help and he doesn’t in the slightest feel like he’s in the way. It’s a collaboration as natural as working by himself, and Neku grins when he sees Joshua dipping into the glow-in-the-dark paint for the zebra lines in Scramble Crossing.

“You got anything in mind for the rest of the room?” he asks, and Joshua shakes his head.

“It’s your room,” he says simply, and Neku picks him up to kiss him, mindful of their paint splatters. It _is_ Neku’s room, and he’ll be welcome here as long as he wishes. 

Joshua’s so light, just heavy enough for Neku to feel like he’s lifting him, and Neku spins him around delightedly as Joshua chuckles, smug and proud. He tries to set him down as he reclaims his balance, but Joshua pulls him close as Neku’s hands clasp under his butt for him to sit there as he mashes their faces together. Joshua doesn’t taste of anything, but his lips are cool on Neku’s and the air quivers in anticipation, Shibuya’s composer pulling the city together for a gift in Neku’s honor. 

“Can we –” Neku starts, and Joshua whistles the paint cans closed as he firmly grips Neku’s shoulders and hums along with the rush of blood in Neku’s ears, quiet enough he might not even know he’s doing it. Joshua starts in on Neku’s neck, and even without that as one of Neku’s favorites, his knees go a bit weak as he hurries back into the lounge, careless of any paint dripping. Hopefully Joshua can fix anything that gets onto the couch, because Neku wants nothing more right now than Joshua on him and he’s not the only one with that thought. 

“You really want to,” Joshua murmurs, bewildered, then says: “You know I’ll be disappointed if you never use that room again, my conductor.”

Neku gulps, and not just because Joshua’s teeth keep trailing along his throat. “I’m here to stay,” he says, more certainly than he feels. “Josh, I – I really appreciate all you’ve been trying to do for me.”

A rock of his hips, and Neku nearly yelps at the pressure, even as Joshua deliberately brackets his thighs around him, Neku’s wings picking up his palpable desire. “It’s no more than you deserve, my Neku,” he purrs, and Neku shivers. “Or Shibuya’s Neku, more precisely, but as we’re to be in service to the same city ….”

“Not for a while,” he mumbles, and Joshua smiles and kisses his forehead. An hour train trip took so much more out of him than he thought it might, and all because he technically left Tokyo, but Joshua’s got him now. He’s fine.

“Not for a while,” Joshua agrees, and Neku feels his hands wander up to his shoulder blades and no farther, careful to remind Neku only that he _could_ go for his wings without making it seem likely he’ll do so. His fingers are firm on Neku’s back, and Neku uses them as leverage as he pushes up against Joshua.

“Could you –” Neku starts, unwilling to let go of Joshua’s ass even for this, but Joshua glances down at the outline of Neku’s cock in Joshua’s own pyjamas and laughs.

“No,” he says into Neku’s mouth, kissing him again. He’s tempted to go for his own pants if Joshua won’t, but Joshua grinds down on him with a sigh and the soft fabric’s nice in its own way. Joshua leans back to look at him properly, his strange lack of weight on Neku’s groin as Neku shuffles, and he shakes his head. “It’ll be nice when you’re back at college,” he says, letting up on Neku’s shoulders only to caress his face. “You’re a terrible temptation, truly.”

“I do what I can,” Neku replies, even as he wonders if it’d really be worth it to leave again. Joshua is here in Shibuya, after all, and plenty of artists get by without degrees. Joshua’s gaze hardens, though, and Neku winces at the echoes of his frustration, even as Joshua’s hands slide back down to dig his thumbs in next to the cervical vertibra and Neku pushes up without even intending it.

“Come on, Neku,” Joshua murmurs, pressing down with his thumbs again, and Neku realises with a start that Joshua’s playing his body for him. “You can do it,” he adds soothingly, and Neku doesn’t know if he wants to pull him closer or push him away but he slams his eyes shut and lets Joshua move his body as he wills.

He trusts him. Really, he does, but there’s something inherently alarming about knowing you’re not the one in control of your own body, and Joshua sends him a query: _yes, no, maybe?_ He forces a nod, reassured to know Joshua’s only directing his thrusting and grinding, and Joshua smiles at him, sad but relieved, as he brings Neku to climax. He keeps watching his face, and Neku feels somehow exposed, but Joshua nods at him in evident satisfaction and slides off him to sit next to him on the couch.

He looks so young like this, his head against Neku’s side as Neku pets him absently, but he isn’t, really. Maybe he was young when he died, but that was a long time ago, and now – now, Neku doesn’t know _what_ Joshua is. _Other,_ in some fundamental way Neku doesn’t know if he’ll ever understand, and rarely moreso than when he’s left Neku sticky and himself almost untouched.

“I’m glad for every moment you spend with me,” Joshua says quietly, “but you shouldn’t be here.”

Maybe not, but it’s Neku’s decision to make, and he shuffles awkwardly at the stuff cooling in his boxers and soaking through Joshua’s nice PJs. “I like you,” he replies, not for the first time, and: “You can touch my wings, if you want.”

Joshua makes a pained sound, burrowing deeper into his side, and Neku pulls him into his lap. “Please don’t do this, Neku,” he groans, and Neku furrows his brow. “You don’t know what you’re asking of me.”

 _Then tell me,_ he thinks, but he might already have a pretty good idea. “I trust you,” he says firmly.

“You shouldn’t.” Neku curls his lip – haven’t they already _had_ this discussion? – but Joshua continues: “Please, Neku. Not until you graduate, at the very least.”

“But _why?_ ” Neku says, plaintive. Joshua has him pet him all the time; it isn’t fair that he won’t let Neku reciprocate.

Joshua goes still, and for a moment, Neku thinks he might bolt. “Please, Neku,” he says again, and Neku nods hesitantly. “I don’t – know how to explain this to you.”

Neku gives a half-hearted shrug. “Throw some words together and hope it works,” he replies. “That’s what I usually do.”

A faint shake of the head, and Joshua pulls away. “I wish Sanae was here,” he mutters, and Neku jumps up, jealousy flashing white hot as Joshua closes his eyes, resigned. Expecting Neku to react with all the knee-jerk anger he feels, and it’s that which makes him clamp his mouth shut and take a deep breath to calm himself.

It’s not fair for him to take shit out on Joshua, no matter how easy it is. “Joshua, what,” he says instead, voice flat, and Joshua shrugs.

“Neku, as angry as you are over his attempted defense of me, you can’t have forgotten how much simpler everything is when Mr H explains it,” he drawls. “I can appreciate the man for his virtues while acknowledging his faults, can’t I?”

But he’s an _asshole._ “Josh, he uses mind control. All the time.”

“Reflex once you’re at a certain power level,” Joshua says easily. “Very little the man says is actually wrong, so why should he not be easy to believe?”

But he uses **mind control.** Instead he says: “Great, my boyfriend just banged me, but the one he _really_ wants here is his shitty ex. Thank you, Josh! I needed that!”

Joshua sits up, his hand over his face. “That isn’t what I meant, and you know it,” he snaps. “– And Sanae isn’t my ex.”

“Oh, great! Your shitty fuckbuddy, then! Well, _that_ changes **everything!** ”

He groans, tensing up on his side of the couch as his form wavers, and Neku remembers again that this is the composer and he is **way** out of his league here. Joshua doesn’t do anything, though, just takes a deep breath and pulls on Shibuya to calm himself, then says: “Neku, please go take a shower. I’ll discuss this with you later.”

Who is he to tell Neku what to do? He’s tempted to make it a fight, but he sees the way Joshua’s curled up tiredly and averts his eyes in shame. “Yeah,” he says instead. “Yeah, a shower would be … yeah.”

Joshua doesn’t move as Neku gets up to head to the bathroom, and though he senses that Joshua’s calling his friend, he can’t really be angry about it. Everything’s always a fight with them; no wonder he’d want to talk things over with Hanekoma first.

And if Hanekoma’s the low drama option … no wonder Shiki and Beat are tired of putting up with him. Neku’s a fucking mess. Joshua wasn’t even asking for much, and _still_ Neku got pissed at him, and for what? For being uncomfortable talking to Neku about anything that matters? No shit he’s uncomfortable.

They’re so fucked up. And even if Neku was being an asshole, he thinks he might’ve been right about Joshua trying to butter him up, but if he was, so what? Joshua likes him, likes getting him off, likes working with him on that mural and fuck Neku’s touched all over again. It’s Shibuya and it’s _Joshua_ and Neku can tell he did his best to see what he liked in CAT’s art, even if it’s not Joshua’s own aesthetic.

He put a lot of effort into it, and maybe Neku would’ve picked a different subject matter if he’d asked, but he loves Shibuya, too. It’s his home. He … it’s a really great gift, and whatever the motive was, Neku’s happy with it. Joshua really wants to do well by him, Neku can tell; Neku’s just also not making that easy, and it isn’t because he doesn’t like Joshua or anything.

Neku’s just … he’s just messed up. That’s all it is.

He gets out of the shower and dries himself off, mindful of the fact he could just up-tune and down-tune to do it faster, but right now, he kind of likes having wet hair. Styling it means more if you have to work at it, and right now he’s fine with letting it stay natural. He pulls some clothes on – Josh cleaned it all, of course, and Neku smiles at the thought – then heads out to the lounge.

The door’s not locked, but he feels like he’s intruding anyway, as he overhears Joshua and Hanekoma talking. If they didn’t want him to listen, though, they wouldn’t be in the lounge, and so he quietly sneaks over to the bar to get himself something to drink and settle in. 

“Sanae, I just don’t know what he _needs_ from me,” Joshua says, and Neku perks up. ` Don't interrupt,` both of them send him, but they don’t seem bothered by the fact he’s there. “I know what he wants – I’m a useful source of attention – but what do I _do_?”

They’re talking about him, he realizes, and he stiffens. “Tell him how you feel, J,” Hanekoma says simply. “Break-ups are nasty no matter how used to them you are, and he’s only got a bit more experience than you. He’s upset about Beat, but doesn’t feel like he’s _allowed_ to be upset, so he wants your attention but you’re also the one there when he’s mad.”

Joshua huffs, and Neku cranes over to see he’s hidden under Hanekoma’s wing. He really is intruding, but neither of them mind. “You’re right, of course,” Joshua mutters, “though try not to let it get to your head. I know he just needs time and support, but he keeps _pushing._ He isn’t right for the UG! Not _yet,_ anyway, but it’s there and he thinks it’s easier and – one of me is more than enough, honestly.”

“Glad you’ve realized that,” Hanekoma says dryly. “Running away’s always easier than confronting your problems, and you keep helping him do it. Put your foot down and tell him how you feel, boss.”

Neku hears their feathers rustling and wishes he had a better view. “I suppose,” Joshua says. “What if he doesn’t like me later, though? I don’t want him to ….”

“You can deal with him moving on, J,” Hanekoma replies flatly. “You can’t if you trap him and he hates you.”

“I know, I know,” he grumbles, “but … I want him to be happy.”

“I **am** happy,” Neku says loudly, and Hanekoma turns to look at him. Still can’t see Joshua, though. “Josh, I’m really grateful for all you’ve been doing the past few weeks. You’re a great friend, really.”

Hanekoma flaps his wings twice and folds them away as Joshua stands up and turns to face him. “No, I’m not,” he states. “If I were, I’d’ve insisted you turn your wings in the moment I could spare the energy, but I was content to let you do as I wanted for all the wrong reasons.”

“It’s not like that,” Neku starts to say, but Joshua raises his hand and he falls quiet. 

“It _is_ like that, Neku,” he snaps. He takes a deep breath, collecting his thoughts, and continues more calmly: “Maybe you’re happy with the way things are now, but from my perspective, you saw an opportunity to avoid thinking about any of your responsibilities and you took it. Why else would you keep insinuating you want to drop out of university? You _know_ I have no particular investment in your degree and that you can lean on me for support no matter what, so you want to test that by sabotaging yourself to spite your living friends.”

 _“I do not!”_ Neku yells, and Joshua unfolds his wings, energy crackling around him. It doesn’t hurt, though; belatedly he realises Hanekoma’s holding him back from this display.

“Listen to me, Neku,” he says. “I no longer particularly care what you think you’re doing; either way, I want no part in this. I refuse to feel like a vehicle of your self-destruction. If you want to drop out in a semester or two, fine; I don’t care. But the reapers’ wings aren’t supposed to be an avoidance tactic, and I want you **alive** again, Neku. You can always die again later, in less suspicious circumstances, but **I don’t like this.** ”

Neku glares at him, his own wings outstretched, and he’s very aware of his claws, but Joshua just looks at him and slumps. “Please, Neku,” he says. “I want you as my conductor, but I want to feel _good_ about it, and I don’t. Don’t do this to me.”

Neku keeps staring at him, and Hanekoma clears his throat. “Phones, he’s been a mess over this,” he says frankly, and Neku might not like him but some part of him still respects him. “Take it easy on him; you can always change your mind later.”

He wants to fight, but all the energy drains out of him with their stern expressions. “Okay,” he mumbles reluctantly. “If it – if it really means so much to you.”

“It does,” Joshua says flatly, and Neku nods. “I don’t want to risk you hating me later for this, Neku, and no matter how you feel now … I can’t do this and remain someone I could respect. I’m a coward, Neku.”

Neku slides off the chair and heads over to the couch to pull Joshua into a hug, painfully aware of their audience. “I don’t think you’re a coward,” Neku tells him. “Or if you are, then we both are. But taking me at my word even when it hurts you, and then pressing the issue later … that isn’t cowardice, Joshua.”

He shakes his head, and his hair tickles Neku’s neck. “Let’s set up your room and then I’ll see what I can do about reviving you, hm?” he says. “We’ve avoided it long enough. Sanae?”

“Yeah, boss?” Hanekoma says, and Neku starts. 

“You know my requirements,” Joshua says briskly. “We have a pact and he’s already bound to my UG; there must be a way to revive him without wasting any of the energy in his wings. Find it for me, will you?”

“Sure thing,” he says, saluting, and he vanishes. Neku breathes a sigh of relief. 

“So, you and Hanekoma,” he fishes, trying to find the right way to fit them into his brain.

Joshua laughs. “Not a threat to you, certainly,” he says, and Neku stiffens even as he tries to relax. “He’s my friend, and he’s been my friend since I was … oh, younger than Rhyme was when you met her. I looked up to him for a while, but working with him as my producer cured me of most of my illusions, hmm?”

“And the, uh, physical components?” Neku says warily.

“You live with someone as your only friend for years and the knowledge you’re liable to kill or be killed by anyone else you meet, your mind opens to a lot of possibilities,” he replies, voice light. “I wasn’t going to spend eternity as a virgin, and he was there. That’s all there was to it, really.”

“So, not your ex,” he concludes, and Joshua nods.

“You’re the first person I went on a date with, actually, much less _dated._ ”

Neku thinks about that for a moment, then bursts out laughing. “You mean, you were composer for decades, and –”

“And single, yes,” he says, looking away. “That’s how it usually is for composers.”

“You asked me to kill you on your first date!” Neku realizes, backing up so he can point at him accusingly, and Joshua rolls his eyes. “You fucking – you left me thinking you had some idea what you were doing!”

“Of course I knew what I was doing,” he sulks, crossing his arms. “You think I composed for Shibuya for decades without observing a few things?”

“Observing isn’t the same as doing!” he yells, but Joshua doesn’t care. It’s petty, anyway, just something Neku wishes he knew _before_ he – oh, god, bought Joshua some ice cream he hated and kicked him out of his own house. “Our first date kind of sucked, didn’t it,” he muses, and Joshua shrugs.

“Most people’s first dates are nothing to write home about,” he says. “Seeing as you’re neither a dreadful bore nor a pickup artist, I can’t complain. Now, may we please put together your new furniture? I need the IKEA stench out of my house, and it’ll sound nearly fine once you have it assembled.”

Neku shrugs and leads the way. “It’s staying here whether you like it or not, so I sure _hope_ it gets less offensive to your senses,” he says, and Joshua sniffs in dismay. 

The mural in his new room might be unfinished, but Neku stops breathing for a moment when he sees it again. It’s completely gorgeous, and Joshua’s kept the paint smell out so he can sleep in it tonight. Joshua pays it no mind when he walks in, or – that’s not right. Joshua pays _the mural_ no mind, but his full attention’s on Neku and he suspects Neku’s appreciation is as good as any orgasm, as far as the composer’s concerned. He shakes himself out of it when he notices Neku staring, though, and Neku’s a bit disappointed by his nonchalant smile.

“If you look at the directions, I can do a lot of the assembling,” Joshua says neutrally, lifting the boxes against the wall to clear space with an imperious wave.

“Okay. Let’s start with the bed.” He points to the right box, and Joshua dissembles it in midair, carefully sorting the pieces as he floats the directions to Neku. They’re kind of a pain to figure out, what with the reliance on pictograms rather than actual Japanese like a real person would use, but Joshua conjures a replacement for the missing screw, and with Neku directing and Joshua doing the lifting, it’s mostly painless.

Even when they try to put it together the wrong way round. “Can’t you tell me if we’re doing it wrong?” Neku says, exasperated, but Joshua only shrugs.

“This is more fun,” he says, and Neku _knows_ he’s trying to piss him off. “Besides, my clairvoyance doesn’t work for this sort of thing.”

“IKEA’s too confusing **for psychics?** ” Neku echoes, and Joshua laughs.

“I suppose I’d have no trouble understanding it if we were unfortunate enough to have an IKEA in Shibuya,” he explains, “but since we’re lucky enough to avoid the Swedish invasion, yes, it’s too confusing for psychics. The intent’s too muddied for me to get a read on it; your guess is at least as good as mine.”

What kind of useless city god doesn’t know how to assemble furniture? This one, apparently, and Neku doesn’t bother to restrain himself from murmuring imprecations under his breath as Joshua laughs at his pain. At least he doesn’t have to worry about bleeding for his furniture, though, with Joshua doing all the hard work, and it doesn’t take too long before he’s got … a bed!

A bed of his very own! He bought it with his money, and it has a mattress and everything. Neku’s so proud, but Joshua takes one look at it and goes, “Mine’s better.” Asshole.

“Now for the rest,” Neku says to Joshua’s dismay, but he does help Neku put together his new chair and desk, and even a cabinet! At this rate, he’ll be a responsible adult with his own workspace and everything. Once he can afford it, anyway. For now, the furniture’s enough of an accomplishment, and he looks upon their work and grins.

Wait, shit. “One sec,” Neku says, bolting out and back to the lounge to grab the other bag. Joshua follows him as far as the doorway, then waits. “Here,” he says, hiding the Furfrou under his hands. “This is for you.”

Joshua carefully takes it from him, then shakes it as Neku glares. “Aw,” he says insincerely as he incinerates the tags, “you got me a dog!”

“I know you like kids shows,” Neku blurts out, “so I thought you might – do you like it?”

He strides off without answering to the jukebox and conjures a shelf above it, then sets the stuffed animal down. “I’ll treasure it always,” he says seriously, “even if you did buy it in Funabashi.”

“Look, it’s that or Ikebukuro,” Neku says pragmatically, “and I didn’t happen to be in Ikebukuro. Would you rather I swap it for an identical one you find somehow better?”

“No, no, this is fine,” Joshua says. “Thank you, really. And for the sunset photos, too, even if there was that empty space in the way.”

Neku scrunches his face up and massages his temples. “You mean the bay?” he says weakly. “You mean the bay, don’t you. You are actually pretending not to know what a bay is.”

“Neku, I don’t know where _you’re_ from, but that much water in one place is **not natural.** Next thing you know, you’ll be telling me you’d take pictures of the ocean, wouldn’t you.”

“At sunrise? Damn right I would!”

“See, Neku, that’s creepy,” Joshua states, and from the sound of it, Neku’d think he was from some landlocked city in the middle of China, rather than, oh, who knows, _Tokyo?_ “You aren’t supposed to have that much space without any buildings behind it. It’s improper.”

“I’m going to kill you,” Neku moans. “I’m going to kill you, and ask Kariya to help me drag your goddamn corpse to Minato so you can see the bay. We can walk it in an hour and a half. Hell, we can get there in 15 minutes on the train; I promise you, the bay is real and there is nothing wrong with the concept of not being surrounded by buildings.”

“There absolutely is,” Joshua says, authoritative, and Neku doesn’t even know why he bothers arguing with this guy. “Look, Neku, Shibuya is landlocked because _all_ places should be landlocked. It’s not right, otherwise.”

Neku shakes his head. “Dear Tokyo,” he says mockingly. “Please move all of your buildings far enough away from the shore so that I, Joshua Kiryu, need never rest my eyes on a body of water. In fact, please build a series of walls to keep the water away from me, specifically. Everyone else can drown so long as I stay dry. Love, Joshua Kiryu.”

For that, Neku’s teleported into the fish tank, and he can’t say he didn’t deserve it.

* * *

Joshua pulls him out once watching him flail around with the sharks finally grows boring, and Neku’s grateful that nothing tries to bite him. `Sharks don't like biting humans, dear,` Joshua says, but look, Neku has fought Noise and he feels like he has an idea of sharks now. If evil soul-eating shark monsters eat people, Neku is not going to trust the mundane kind, either, and the same thing goes for goddamn kangaroos.

“Kangaroos are vicious,” Joshua informs him, and Neku flips him off. God, how the hell does this guy manage to love fish so much and hate the ocean? Neku assumes he loves fish, anyway; it’s hard to imagine him setting up this many fish tanks if he _didn’t._ What next, an ice cream bar? “You wouldn’t joke about that if you knew how many requests I get.”

“Requests granted,” Neku says immediately, and Joshua sticks his tongue out. “As your conductor, I just decided that all the reapers who want an ice cream bar are _absolutely right,_ and we need froyo and boba tea machines to go with it. Do it, Josh.”

“Boba tea, yes, but you’re going to have to try harder than that to get frozen dairy products in _here,_ ” Joshua says. “Milk is an insult.”

“Your _face_ is an insult,” Neku mutters, but honestly, he’ll take the half-victory. “Seriously though, what’s with the fish?”

Joshua stares at him quizzically. “I like fish,” he says, defensive. “I don’t like open spaces. They aren’t right.”

“And the fact you could get shot at doesn’t help,” Neku mutters, and Joshua makes a face. Okay, yeah, that’s rude to remind him of, even if it’s normal for him. “Are all city composers this pissy, or is it just you?”

He shrugs with his whole body, arms up in the air like he’s got no idea what Neku’s talking about. “I’m sure I don’t know,” he says. “You could poll the other Tokyo conductors, but it won’t be statistically significant.”

He might. He really, honestly might. “Can you take care of my wings now?” he says instead. “They kind of itch, and we should get this over with.”

Joshua inclines his head and sweeps off to his throne room, resplendent in his artist’s smock, and Neku tags along, bemused. If they’re going to do this, he supposes they should do it properly, but truth be told, Neku still isn’t convinced they should do it at all. Joshua could revive somebody who needs it with that; it feels like a waste. 

But maybe he’s right, and he needs this so he can feel like he isn’t using Neku for all he’s got. Neku’s wings tense at the thought, since he sure doesn’t _feel_ used, but what is Joshua’s peace of mind worth?

Enough for this, Neku suspects. Enough for Neku to let him do what everyone else thinks he should have done already.

The CAT mural’s nearly forgettable in Joshua’s wake, and Neku only glances at it before forcing it out of mind. Hanekoma’s not important right now, and he follows Joshua, unsurprised to see he’d vanished in Neku’s moment of inattention only to reappear on his throne. 

“Neku, My Conductor,” he says, letting his frequency slide up as he dons the composer mantle and Neku can’t help but avert his eyes. “It’s not time yet for you to join My service.”

“I know,” he says honestly. “I just like the Shibuya UG.”

“Flattery will get you everywhere,” the composer replies, and Neku snorts. Whether it’s Joshua or Shibuya with the sense of humor, Neku suspects there are worse things than being a Shibuya reaper. “Let’s see,” they say, and the world tilts.

The composer isn’t up-tuning him to meet them, this time, but Neku feels his wings spread out despite themselves and Joshua/Shibuya lances through them with a chord of power, stretching them so the composer can see exactly where he’s been using them. Neku feels it thrumming with Joshua’s power and reverberating through his bones, but he can’t manage to be scared. Not this time, not with the composer. His wings disintegrate from the tips inward, returning to the city, but Joshua leaves a few guidelines, the faintest echo of Shibuya’s melody so he knows _exactly_ how to rebuild him. 

He still hears some of the Music of his district, but it fades out, too high for Neku to sense except in that Joshua knows it better than the stale air Neku desperately inhales like he actually needs it, no wings to manage it for him.

“It’s done,” Joshua says quietly, releasing his hold on Shibuya all at once, and Neku looks up at him, bemused to learn he’d fallen to his knees. “I don’t need to falsify anything for you, so it was simple.”

“Still tiring, though,” Neku guesses, getting up. It takes a few tries and he’s unsteady on his feet when he finally manages it: apparently he’d been levitating himself, too. 

Joshua smiles at him, and they’re back in Neku’s room, though his skin crawls with the effort. He’s seriously not built for teleporting, even if Joshua’s merely moving him from one part of his not-entirely-real house to another, and Joshua sets him on his bed before turning to leave. “Good night, Neku,” he says, and Neku stands back up.

“What, you’re just going to bed?” he says, and Joshua shrugs. “It’s _early,_ dude; I don’t think I’m going to sleep for a while.”

“Be that as it may, I have work to do,” he replies, and Neku can tell he’s hiding something. He tries to lightly poke him, but – right, no wings. “You’re free to go wherever you like, of course, but if you have no immediate need for me ….”

“Josh?” Neku says, and Joshua turns to look at him. “Thanks for – you know. Sorry I’ve been fighting you about everything for the past week or two.”

He inclines his head. “It happens,” he says, but that doesn’t make it right. “Many of the effects of our binding were transferred to your wings, so I don’t think you’ll be accidentally scanning anyone anymore, or really at all outside my reach. Try not to overstretch yourself.”

“I won’t,” he assures him, but that isn’t what he really wants to say. Even so, Joshua leaves him, and Neku’s left with a bit of melancholic emptiness. 

Shiki and Rhyme should know he’s been revived, but telling them feels like too much work right now. His resurrection’s a good thing, he thinks, but it doesn’t seem like it.

It’s just what needed to happen for everything to return to normal, but Neku doesn’t _like_ normal. The normal him’s just some art student going to school for a degree that won’t help find a career, not the second-in-command for the composer of one of the most influential districts of one of the most influential cities in the world. Conductor Sakuraba’ll be someone important, even if only in the underworld; college freshman Neku Sakuraba is no one.

He doesn’t need to be Someone to matter, but it helps. A place for him to stand; a role for him to fill. _That’s_ what the UG offers, and that Joshua insisted he put it off for a while … it hurts, it really does. It shouldn’t and he knows Joshua was right to do so, but he doesn’t feel better. 

` Well. Im alive again,` he texts Shiki and Rhyme, then shuts his phone off. The last thing he needs is their congratulations, when he feels like he made a mistake. 

Remaining a reaper would’ve been a mistake, too, just like trying to piss off Joshua was. Just like pissing off Shiki was. Maybe everything after saying yes to Joshua’s request that he be the conductor was a mistake, he doesn’t know. Ugh, fuck. 

Whether or not Joshua heard that, he’s probably at least a little aware of his mood, so he pulls himself up and heads out to the lounge. “Joshua?” he calls. “I got some things to say to you.”

It takes a few moments, but he hears a clunky noise on the couch, so he turns to look. Joshua, visibly exhausted, still with his hair disheveled though Neku knows he could fix it with a thought. “What is it, Neku,” he says, not really making it a question. 

“No matter how fucked up all of it got, I don’t regret saying yes to you, Josh,” he says frankly. “I’m sorry I haven’t been very respectful of your feelings, and I know it all got – complicated, and I know a lot of it was my fault. But I do love you and I wanted to make sure you knew that.”

Joshua just looks at him for a minute. “Thank you,” he says eventually, and Neku suspects those two words took a lot out of him. “I appreciate you saying this to me.”

“Are we okay?”

A slight shake of the head. “We will be,” Joshua says, voice firm, and Neku can still hear his determination to make it so. “It may take some time, however, so I would appreciate it if you give me some space.”

And that hurts to hear, but he knows it’s true, too. Joshua **wants** him to be a reaper, wants it extremely badly, and that he gave that up because it would’ve been wrong for him to take things as they are … Neku is so proud of him. “Take what you need,” Neku tells him. “I can even clear out, if you want me to.”

Joshua shakes his head, and Neku smiles to see his hair lands back in place afterward. “I like knowing you’re close by,” he says honestly. “I just – may need a day or two.”

Neku kind of wants to give him a hug, but that wouldn’t help right now. Not when Neku’s why he’s upset. Instead, he nods firmly and says, “Good night, Joshua.”

“Good night, Neku,” he says, inclining his head, and he vanishes.

What a day. Neku yawns, more tired than he thought, and puts together a small meal before heading back to his room. Joshua’d left a pillow and some cute blue sheets on his bed, which was nice of him, and a note:

> These are borrowed from Coco; I don’t own anything that fits a single. Keep them clean and one of us can buy something reasonably appropriate tomorrow. Sleep well.

Coco, as in the kid reaper? Neku was going to keep the PJs on anyway, but that about settles it; no way is he getting his ass on that. “Hey, Josh?” he calls. “You got any blankets? It’s cold in here.” A clicking sound, and then a set appears on his bed, neatly folded. “Thanks!”

They come from different worlds, but even if Joshua rejected Neku’s attempt to bridge the gap, he’s still trying to do well by him. And even if Neku has to get himself established in his own before he can join Joshua in his, Neku can return the favor. Just because the stakes are lower doesn’t mean Neku can afford to lose, after all.

He’ll make it work out, and with that, he glares at the lights hoping they’ll shut off, before Joshua suggests he snap his fingers, and he settles in to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaand we're into the home stretch. I only got 10k + 15k words of sequel written currently, though, so there might be a while between this fic ending and the next fic being posted. We'll see how it goes!
> 
> :|c the nsfw of the day is joshua having neku get his pants all sticky for the hell of it


	28. Chapter 28

It’s honestly kind of weird being able to sleep in without either his alarm or Joshua waking him up, but Neku likes it. No windows here, though, and it takes him a while to figure out the ambient light’s coming from the ceiling.

Sky lights. Of course Joshua would give him a room with sky lights; Neku hadn’t thought to look _up,_ and they’re set in subtly enough that he can easily believe he just didn’t notice last night.

Pretty bright out today. Wonder what time it is? He digs out his phone to check, and remembers he’d turned it off to avoid any unwanted messages. Well, he’s going to have to face it sometime, and right now’s as good as ever.

Ugh, voice mail. 

_“Hey, Neku, it’s Shiki. I got your message and I’m really happy for you! You don’t know how worried we’ve been, but please tell me you didn’t have to play the Game again? The whole thing sounded so unfair and I really wish you’d pick up, Neku; this whole thing has been pretty awful to watch and I know you’re not even sharing the worst of it. Be careful, okay?”_

And Rhyme just sent him an `:OOO`, which honestly? Neku can deal with that just fine. It’s Shiki’s message he doesn’t know how to reply to. Not before breakfast, anyway, and he heads off to wash up and get dressed like some kind of zombie.

Joshua’s not in the lounge this morning, and Neku looks around blearily before he figures out why that’s so weird. He’s just used to getting breakfast without doing the work, he supposes, but it looks like Joshua doesn’t feel like feeding him today. It probably isn’t anything personal: Neku **did** sleep in, after all.

Another way he’s been taking him for granted, and Neku flushes with embarrassment. He hopes he didn’t do this to Beat, but he thinks he might’ve. And Joshua doesn’t even need to eat, too, so it was just … it was just Joshua trying to do something nice for him. Gah, awkward.

He’ll apologise later, but for now he fries up some eggs and rice and makes a little bit extra, just in case. Never know when you might get company, after all.

He eats alone, but once he’s feeling about full, some food still in his bowl, a certain dog sticks his head in Neku’s lap. `Are you going to eat that?`

“I made it for you,” Neku replies, setting the bowl down on the floor, and the dog digs in, groaning in satisfaction even though it’s just fried rice with whatever Neku could find that seemed tasty.

`We -- that is, I -- can sense intent, Neku,` Joshua says, licking the bowl and evidently enjoying his fluffy excuse to lack manners. `It tastes better if it's a gift meant for the recipient.`

“I just figured I should at least try to pay you back for all the times you’ve made sure I’m fed,” Neku says honestly, and he scratches Joshua’s neck deeply to reassure him. That slip did **not** go unnoticed, and neither did his tail and mood falling. “Thanks for that, by the way: I know you don’t need food.”

Joshua huffs, then leaps up onto the other couch as he shifts back to human, perfectly poised like the last few minutes didn’t happen. “I do try to keep in mind your limitations,” he says pointedly, “and feeding you is an easy enough thing to do.”

“But it didn’t occur to me you were doing it at all,” Neku says, “so thank you, Joshua.” Joshua’s hands clench around the couch cushion, and Neku stifles a chuckle. “You doing okay?”

And that’s a bit better. “No one likes Mondays,” he says airily, “so it’s a bit of a pain to find people to imprint who might be receptive. I don’t see _why;_ it’s not like Mondays are any worse than the rest of the week.”

“That’s because you work every day,” Neku says, and Joshua rolls his eyes. 

“Yes, so I should know,” he says, and Neku snorts. “It’s Wednesdays you **really** have to look out for, when the end of the week is nowhere in sight. Mondays are a chance to turn all your recent inspiration back into work.”

“Never thought you’d be sympathetic to the plight of the salaried worker,” Neku mutters.

“Yes, well,” he says, slightly awkward, “it helps that I know I’ll never have to endure _that_ tedium.”

“Appreciation at a distance,” Neku concludes. “Bet that works well for you.”

Joshua leans back, almost carefree. “It has its benefits,” he says comfortably. “As does my ability to work and talk to you at the same time.”

It’s good he’s not _always_ a distraction. “I’m going to need to do some stuff later,” Neku says, “but until then, do you want to do anything?”

“I don’t have any immediate desires, no.” He shrugs. “Contrary to popular belief, my life is very rarely interesting to the observer, though it’s never boring.”

He supposes that makes sense, though he is kind of disappointed. “Kind of wish you hadn’t revived me until –”

“Don’t, Neku,” Joshua says flatly. 

“I just meant we could’ve sparred or something –”

“Don’t.” And he’s fuming now.

It’s not even all Neku’s fault he was dead in the first place; why the hell does the subject have to be off-limits with the guy who’d killed him? You’d think he hadn’t basically admitted to fantasizing about Neku being dead or something, and it’s a bit strange Neku now thinks that in the way Joshua meant it, not the way his friends’d take it. 

Death’s just a career move, and Neku belatedly notices Joshua’d shut him out as best he could. “Why are you so bothered by this?” he says. “You’ve always told me you wanted to see me with wings, and then it happened and you were thrilled, and now ….”

“Now I need to come to terms with you _not_ being mine all over again, Neku,” he replies, voice clipped. “Let me do so in peace.”

Neku was never his, though, and he scowls in distaste. Is that really how Joshua thinks of it? Neku shouldn’t push, but ….

Right, a Shibuya reaper works for Shibuya, and transferring isn’t exactly the most straightforward thing in the world. To a composer, their reapers really _are_ theirs, even if they still have autonomy, and to Joshua … Neku’s still offended, but fine, Joshua deserves some space. “If there’s anything I could do to help, let me know,” Neku says finally, and Joshua inclines his head.

“I appreciate the offer,” he says, “but right now, the best thing you could do is find something with which to occupy yourself. I’ll be fit for conversation this evening, Shibuya willing.”

Neku’s face falls, but fine, the guy said he needed space. Neku will give him space. “Okay,” he says. “I’ll just be …?”

Joshua smiles at him, and even if he’s hurt, he still wants Neku to be happy. “You could experiment in the music studio if you wish,” he says, vaguely gesturing to a side room. “Def Märch has been leaving it a bit of a mess, and I suspect you’re out of practice.”

“I’ll do that,” he says, relieved, even if he doesn’t like the jab at his priorities. He’s been _busy,_ okay: he hasn’t had time to keep up with it. 

“Be well, Neku,” he says, and he fades out. Neku watches where he’d been for a moment, and sighs. 

He can’t quite tell if Joshua’s paying attention to somewhere anymore, but he’s also not back at _ow, fuck_ whenever he’s near, so that’s something. He’d like for anything in his life to stay constant, but being quietly normal for a bit isn’t too bad. 

Weird, though, and he heads into Joshua’s music studio to see what’s up. Nice acoustics, of course, though he should’ve expected that, with a piano and a drum set, and … aha! A keytar. Somebody here was a fucking _nerd,_ and he bursts out laughing until he sees a pair of red headphones on the wall above the amplifier. Oh. Right.

Someone was a fucking nerd, and it probably wasn’t Joshua. This whole place is haunted by ghosts, and not all of them are the obvious ones. Still, though, he’s out of practice and he enjoys fooling around on the piano, even if he misses his keyboard and kind of feels like a loser for doing so. Pianos are meant to be better, aren’t they?

But this piano can’t play fart noises, and that’s one of the _real_ important things in life. Death. Life again. Something like that.

He jams out for a while in there, and there’s even a decent collection of sheet music in there for him to try stuff he doesn’t know. He’s not incredible, and he really _has_ fallen out of practice, but he has a good time anyway and that’s what matters, isn’t it? It’s hard work, but you should always be able to enjoy it, even if you aren’t feeling it right now.

Wish he had his computer with him. He doesn’t use it too much, but it’s fun seeing what things people keep posting on Nico Douga, and he should try putting together some doujin albums of his own someday. This place’d be great for avoiding background noise while recording, he can tell that.

He checks some of the papers left lying around – Joshua’s got a finicky definition of mess, wow – and notices a sign-up sheet. Well, Neku doesn’t have solid enough plans to bother yet, but it’s good to know when Def Märch knows they’ll be here. Kind of weird that the art studio’s private while the music one’s free to rent, though. Maybe Joshua just doesn’t use this himself much? 

Ugh, not having plans _sucks._ Neku used to adore what little free time he had, but now what’s he supposed to do? Draw and practice drumming? Shit’s boring alone, and he does that the rest of the time, too. 

But Joshua wants his fucking alone time and Neku’ll give him it. He can go … chill in the park or something, shop, do _something_ more exciting than lying around. He should get sheets of his own, shouldn’t he? Something like that. 

He packs everything away and grabs a snack, then opens the door back out of the lounge and slams it shut. Oh, fuck. 

“Joshua?” he calls. “I got a problem.”

“What is it, Neku?” he replies tiredly, reclining on the couch like he’s king of the world, or at least the city.

“I’m alive,” he says awkwardly. “The air outside – I can **smell** it, and I don’t think the city still likes me enough to keep all that shit off me.”

“Ah.”

“Why do you live in the _sewer,_ Josh?” he continues, exasperated. “It smells like hell out there, and I know plenty of your reapers have to deal with it! Why can’t you have some fancy real apartment or something?”

Joshua sighs, though he’s smiling, too. “Too expensive,” he admits. “A real address requires buying a condo of my own, and taxes, and even if I manipulate things like I have here to avoid utilities expenses, what then? My presence is still harmful to living beings.”

“A house?” Neku tries. “You’d be farther away from people.”

“Mm, too many people passing by, and the point remains I _still_ couldn’t afford it,” he says. “This is easier and cheaper; here I can survive off only as much money as I wish to spend, and even that’s less than a reaper’s stipend.”

Neku huffs. It all sounds more complicated than it needs to be: just _put his magic house aboveground somewhere._ “Wait,” he says, realizing. “You aren’t rich?”

“I have no income and access only to as much money as is lost and forgotten,” he drawls. “No, Neku, I’m not rich; I simply have no expenses and can take what I need from Sanae’s salary. I have resources; I don’t have money.”

Shit. So much for Neku’s dreams of being a big spender. They weren’t serious dreams, but still. “Sorry, Josh,” he says sheepishly. “Guess I misunderstood.”

Joshua laughs. “Hardly a problem, my dear,” he says easily. “Now then, would you like me to bring you up to the surface the fast way?”

“I don’t have real plans,” he admits. “Maybe?”

He gets a look in his eyes, and Neku takes his shoes back off, just in time for Joshua to shift canine and teleport behind him, gently nudging his butt foward. `I need to grow used to you being alive again somehow,` he says, `and I suppose I dislike keeping my paws off you.`

“I’m okay with this,” he says, chuckling, and he lets Joshua lead him back to the couch. Neku flops down onto it, leaning back, and Joshua hops up and lies across his lap, giving him no space whatsoever.

Joshua’s big enough it’s hard to see over him, but Neku tries his best to pet him anyway, and his fingers tingle when he digs them into his fur. It’s not painful enough for him to want to stop, but Joshua sighs and relaxation ain’t the only reason.

`I did try to keep your vibe from dropping,` he says. `You're simply mostly unaffiliated now, past being my responsibility, and without Shibuya's interference ….`

“I’m going to get burned,” Neku finishes, and Joshua thumps a paw. “I’ll be careful, Josh, but I’m not going to stop touching my boyfriend.”

`And _I_ don't want to erase my conductor,` Joshua snaps. ` Again, and by _accident_ this time, you realize!`

Neku freezes. He didn’t – Joshua stops holding him still, and even if Neku had reacted on his own, Joshua still sends a sheepish apology. “Josh, I ….”

Joshua groans, and Neku sighs as he vanishes and reappears on the other couch, human again. “I’m sorry for my outburst,” he mutters, “and for –”

“You keep moving me around,” Neku says uncomfortably. “Without asking me.”

“Carelessness,” Joshua says, and Neku’s relieved to note it’s with disgust. “As a reaper, you respond to your composer; now, you’re human, but only in that I sealed your wings away, so it remains – easy, to do what I wish with you.”

Neku curls his lip in displeasure, and Joshua looks away. “I don’t want you messing with my head like that,” he states. 

“I know.”

“… be more careful.” He’s not mad, exactly; nothing Joshua’s done’s been stuff he didn’t want to do anyway. But if Joshua can use him like that without meaning to … he seriously is dangerous, and not just in the abstract. “Or ask me first.”

Joshua sighs, leaning back. “I _am_ sorry and I’ll try harder to keep it from happening again.” Neku nods; that’s about all he expected. “Sanae’s warned me I can’t afford to get complacent, but ….”

They aren’t the same type of being. Neku knows that and he’s had a glimpse into Joshua’s world, but it still hurts to butt up against that reality. “I know you’re trying,” Neku says, “and I don’t think you’ve pushed me to do anything I wouldn’t anyway. It’s just creepy.”

He groans and covers his face with his arm. “I hate this,” he says, and Neku winces. “It’s nothing against you, Neku, you do know that, yes?” He pauses until Neku nods, and he slides his arm back down, satisfied. “I love feeling at your mercy, your hands and will on my wings as you could use me for anything you like, and I only trust that you don’t; your hands at my throat, your gun at my head, anything for the next thrill, but even without that – it’s **nice** to confuse where one person ends and another begins, if only for a little while. I know I shouldn’t, not least because you can’t easily return the favor, but it’s miserable, Neku.”

“Then let me be in control for a while,” Neku blurts out. “You really like moving me around sometimes? Fine. But you’re going to do what _I_ want sometimes, and you’re just going to have to trust me to know what you’re okay with.”

Joshua stares at him, grin slowly widening like someone’s offering him some unexpected peanut butter, and Neku feels him imprinting the suggestion to join him on his couch. Might as well, he figures, and Joshua curls his arm around him possessively. “I love you,” he says proudly, and Neku smirks.

“You’d better,” he replies, and Joshua chuckles. “I don’t know who else’d put up with this, so it’s a good thing you’ve got me, huh? We’ll make it work.”

“That we will.”

* * *

It’s Joshua who contributes the actual plan for the scene, which is kind of annoying, but in this case, Neku’ll deal. He wants _Joshua_ to feel better, and it ain’t hard to let him decide the specifics of how he wants Neku to use him as a toy.

“How are we playing this?” Neku says, and he’s delighted to realize Joshua’s antsy and hiding his face, unwilling to stay put for long in case Neku changes his mind.

Joshua hums. “Since I keep holding you still, you could tie me up, if you’d like,” he says like it’s some grand concession, and Neku snickers. “I can of course escape anything not around my wings, so you might as well simply ask me to hold still, but I thought you might appreciate the visuals …?”

He’s not sure of the appeal, himself, but Joshua sends him an image and –

> Joshua with his hands and ankles tied behind his back, at Neku’s feet with all his self-assured grace, even as Neku holds a rope – leash – noose around his neck. Vulnerable, but only until he decides to be otherwise, and he listens patiently for a command, never shedding the impression this is a favor he does for **you** , though Neku can choke him if he pleases.
> 
> Always, Joshua has his pride, but he doesn’t need it and he certainly doesn’t need to defend it. He’s untouchable, the composer and –

Neku shakes his head, blinking furiously to push the possibility out of his mind as he swallows, his pants uncomfortably tight. Joshua couldn’t have meant that, but when Neku finally looks at him again, he has that same ageless transcendence on his face, like nothing could hurt him and nothing ever has. “That’s the kind of stuff you like, huh,” Neku says eventually, and Joshua holds his hand out. _What can you do?_ and Neku could laugh. 

“Playing the ineffable composer?” he says. “It has a certain appeal, yes, especially if you’re the one doing the work.”

Lazy bum, he thinks, and he knows Joshua heard that. “Thought the point here was you do what _I_ want,” he points out. “You aren’t exactly going to do much if you’re tied up.”

“Yes,” he drawls, “because fucking my mouth requires _so_ much effort on my part.” Oh, god, now Neku’s thinking about that and wincing, but Joshua continues: “I want you to take pleasure from me as you wish, though I’ll thank you to only go down on me as foreplay, if that, and not attempt anal at all.”

“That’s like half the cool options right there,” Neku complains, and Joshua sighs.

“My presence is harmful to your health,” he states. “I’m not risking my concentration when we’re _that_ close.”

Wait, what? Oooooh. “You think you’d hurt me?”

“If you were focused on my pleasure? Yes, most likely,” he says flatly. “I need to be able to get away from you if I start slipping, Neku. Always. Sanae can moderate me if he needs to, but I suspect we’d both rather he stay out of our sex life, hm?”

Augh! Neku gags exaggeratedly, but that’s not too far from the truth. No, no, absolutely not; Hanekoma belongs way outside the bedroom and ideally shouldn’t exist at all. Ewwwwwwww. 

“Your vibe is as high as I can make it,” Joshua adds. “High enough I suspect you unsettle the living, I’m afraid, but you should no longer instinctively avoid me, nor must I take precautions before being near you. But I’m still not safe.”

Neku nods slowly. It’s good Joshua isn’t likely to kill him by accident, but …. “What do you mean, I’m unsettling?” he snaps.

“Humans can tell you’re not quite like them,” Joshua replies quietly. “Not enough for them to want you away from them, and _certainly_ not enough for you to hurt them by accident, but you’re otherworldly and they fear the unknown.”

“That’s why I don’t have school friends,” he mutters to himself. “Because of what you did.”

“Your charming personality doesn’t help, Neku,” he drawls, and Neku shoots up to glare at him. “You’re grumpy and reticent, and you’re more UG than not. Of course the RG dislikes you.”

“And it’s _your fault,_ ” Neku growls. “How can you – why do you always do things without thinking of the _consequences,_ Joshua? First you – and then you – and I can’t **stand it,** you asshole, you’re always – you don’t **_think!_** ”

Joshua stares at him blankly, then leans back into a pout. “I think plenty,” he objects, and Neku kind of wants to punch him. “I hadn’t considered the threshold where those who’ve never been involved with the Game would think you odd, and at the time, I was more concerned with asking forgiveness than permission.”

“And yet you’ve done neither.”

“I’m sorry I raised your vibe without asking,” he says easily, not mocking but not far from it, either. “I haven’t continued doing so since I informed you I had, however, and it takes significantly less to seem strange than to withstand even the mildest of my flashes of temper. I can try to undo it, but our acquaintance would be effectively over.”

He’s got nothing to say to that. What can he say? 

“You can still make RG friends,” he adds. “It’s harder, and not only because you can’t exactly tell them about the UG, but you’re merely _strange,_ not dangerous.”

“How do you know?” Neku says, and Joshua’s quiet. “How do I know you’re telling me the truth, that you aren’t still hiding things from me? What am I supposed to do, Joshua? What the hell am I supposed to do?”

Still quiet, and Neku’s about to open his mouth and start yelling when Joshua finally replies. “I don’t know, Neku,” he says honestly. “I know you can still make living friends because you _do_ in some futures, but as to how you know I’m telling you the truth as I understand it and not what you want to hear? You don’t, Neku. You don’t, and you never will, except on faith, and, well, Neku, we both know how that turns out, don’t we.”

“Yeah,” Neku says, and Joshua’s face is closed off. “Yeah, we do. You’ll break it again and again and you aren’t even trying half the time; it’s not your fault I’m gullible and don’t know the right questions to be asking. You don’t even know what I don’t know, do you, but I know you mean well.”

Joshua laughs darkly. “I always do,” he says. “It never solves anything, however.”

He fixed Shibuya, at least. He’d’ve destroyed Neku, but he fixed Shibuya. It’s not a comforting thought. “You think we’ll ever stop doing this?”

“Rubbing my nose in all my mistakes?”

“No, fighting.”

“Oh, that,” he says, twirling some of his hair. “No, never.”

Not as long as they’re still speaking, anyway, but they both know _that_ caveat. Neku leans back and sighs, suddenly tired. “I just wanted to spend a nice week with my boyfriend,” Neku admits. 

Joshua glances down to watch the fish, and Neku tries to smile at him. He’s not mad, or not very mad, but Joshua’s eyes flit up and Neku feels somehow ashamed. “Given that Daisukenojo broke up with you,” Joshua starts indelicately, but Neku cuts him off.

“I meant you, you idiot,” he snaps. “I **know** about Beat, all right? I don’t want to think about him right now; I’m here with _you,_ okay?”

Joshua purses his lips, and Neku’s tempted to tap his foot as Joshua decides how to reply. “We’re dating?” he settles on, and now it’s Neku’s turn to be confused. 

“Aren’t we?”

“We could be,” he concedes. “I don’t believe I have time for a relationship, though.”

“So … what do you call this?” Neku has to say. Joshua’s gotten him a room in his own house, for fuck’s sake. 

“You’re my conductor,” he says simply. “Composers don’t _do_ relationships, Neku: the district comes first. Always. I like you a great deal, but you have to accept that I frankly can’t be there for you the way a human might.”

“I know,” he says immediately, even as he winces at the thought this might not mean the same to Joshua as it does to him. No, he corrects himself: it might not be the **same,** but there’s no way it means **less** to him than Neku. He’s important to Joshua, he knows that.

And Joshua’s watching him, face calm as he counts off on his fingers. “I have to be extremely careful about leaving Shibuya,” he adds. “Any time I go out with you, we risk one of the reapers vying for my job, and I make people uncomfortable by existing. You can’t take me as your plus one to anything, Neku; don’t say these things before you’ve thought this through.”

He might not have thought about all of this, but Neku knows Joshua and he thinks he knows what he can handle. “I know,” Neku says. “It’s a bad idea, and I’ll be careful. For now, though, can I kiss you, and then maybe we get back to what we were talking about?”

Joshua chuckles, and Neku’ll take that as a yes. “I want you as my conductor, dear Neku, and anything else is a bonus,” he murmurs as he slides close, lifting Neku onto his lap so Neku can nibble his ear. “If I could be what you need, I would, but ….”

“You’re good as you are,” Neku assures him, and it’s even mostly true. Joshua laughs, but Neku shuts him up with his lips on his and Joshua shudders, humming in pleasure. 

He’s so cold, and his lips have the wrong consistency, but Neku doesn’t care, just pushes this clay god as he wills and tries to breathe life into him, even as Joshua traces his clavicle with a predator’s easy grace. He’s beautiful, for all that he should be ungainly, never outgrowing a teenager’s awkward proportions, and he knows it, too. Neku feels his smug smile as Joshua insinuates his tongue into his mouth to tease at the roof of it, and Neku might jerk away, but for once the sharp reminder of his inhumanity doesn’t anger him.

“You should undress me,” Joshua says slyly, pushing a silk rope into Neku’s hands, and Neku gulps. “Claim me, dear conductor, since I can’t claim you; it amounts to the same thing, in the end.”

Neku snorts and takes it, resting it on Joshua’s shoulder and letting it brush against his neck just to watch him shiver, then works on easing his buttons and shirt off. He’s clumsy today, but Joshua’s not helping, damn him. “That’s the roleplay you’re doing?” Neku says, and Joshua smiles. 

“Roleplay?” he echoes, and Neku grinds down on his crotch to hear him stutter, before pushing onto his knees to work off Joshua’s pants, though he’ll leave his cute underwear. “Neku, you _are_ my conductor, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, but I don’t think that’s what the sex is about,” he quips, and Joshua only laughs. “How do I tie this?”

“However you want,” he replies easily, and he slides out from between Neku’s legs and onto the floor before standing up to dust himself off, his half-hard cock subtly outlined by his flower-print panties.

Neku realizes he’s staring, but Joshua doesn’t mind, simply smirks and basks in the attention. Awaiting instruction, Neku realizes, and Joshua conjures a blanket and some cushions to cover the glass table with.

That makes it easier. Neku points to the table and flaps his hand down, instructing him to sit, then twirls his fingers for him to turn around, leaving his back to Neku at the edge of the table and the rope still balanced on his shoulder. “I haven’t done this before,” he warns. 

“Neither have I,” Joshua admits. “It sounded fun, though, and I’ve no circulation to lose, so the only thing that could go wrong is if I forgot to lock the door.”

“Did you?”

“No,” he says. “I regret to inform you I remembered this time. We’ll have to save the unwanted exhibitionism for later.”

“Oh,” Neku says, and: “Good.”

He reaches to pick the rope back up, and decides at the last moment to grab one end and let it unfurl as he takes it, appreciating the tie-dye. It’s really more of a scarf, and Joshua quivers as it brushes against his neck, even as Neku tries to decide what to _do_ with it. “Can I knot this?” he checks, and Joshua nods jerkily.

He starts by simply looping it around his hands and feet, trying to decide where to go with this, and Joshua shifts obligingly to give him access, patient. Neku’s tempted to explore Joshua’s ass with him being so quietly complacent, too, but that’s not the point of this and he’d just get himself frustrated, anyway. Maybe one day.

Biting his lip as he tries not to think of that beautiful ass, he goes a bit overboard with the wrists, crisscrossing over and over as he pulls the rope tighter, and Joshua’s hands and feet pale in a facsimile of reduced circulation. “All is well,” Joshua murmurs, and Neku leans forward to kiss the small of his back, pulling Joshua’s hands down as he does so, and Joshua leans back precariously. 

He won’t fall, though, and Neku trails the silk up Joshua’s back, unsurprised when his wings unfurl. “I wasn’t planning on petting you,” Neku says, but he settles his fingers between Joshua’s shoulder blades and is rewarded with a full-out moan. 

“Be extremely careful with them,” Joshua warns, but Neku’s already learned that lesson. He’s amused to note Joshua doesn’t let the soft silk within a few centimeters of his wings, though, stopping Neku’s hand and the scarf itself with his psi whenever he tries to brush up against them. 

Along his spine seems to be fine, though, and Neku loops the scarf around his hands and feet one last time before tying it off in the middle, so he can bring it up and around his neck. He’s unsure how to keep it in the safe zone without Joshua’s involvement, though, and he anchors it around his wrists and wraps the scarf around itself as it climbs back to his neck, then ties it off at the cervical vertebrae, and while Joshua might not be choked as he likes, Neku’s given him a handlebar.

“This is kind of impractical,” Neku observes, but Joshua just laughs.

“May I turn around, conductor?” Joshua asks sweetly, and Neku pretends to think about it.

“No,” he decides, and Joshua whines audibly. Instead, he gets a good grip on the rope and jerks him up, wincing at Joshua’s pained noise. Joshua’s whole body goes along with it, though, and Neku slips his own cock out, gently fondling it as he thinks about what to do with him. If Joshua wants to be used, Neku … Neku can probably do that.

“Well?” Joshua adds, and Neku pulls him up. He’s so _light,_ but he feels solid enough as Neku tries to work his dick between Joshua’s bound wrists and the fabric of his panties. The friction’s a bit uncomfortable, and Neku groans awkwardly as he grinds down on it, but Joshua chirps and it goes smooth, even glassy. No purchase at _all_ , and Neku tugs on the scarf to make him cough as Neku tries to catch his balance.

He’s way too comfortable with the neck thing, but Joshua’s happy and Neku pushes it down, tries not to think about it. “Don’t cheat,” he says instead, then adds: “Brat.”

Joshua coughs again, and guilt flashes through Neku even as Joshua imprints his pride and pleasure. “You knew what you were getting into, conductor Sakuraba,” Joshua replies, and Neku jerks it again. 

“It’s Neku,” he corrects sharply, though he knows it’s mostly play. Neku’s got his role, too, though. 

“Mmm, _Neku,_ ” Joshua purrs back, and he doesn’t need to see his face to know he’s licking his lips. He doesn’t try to punish him again, though: choking him isn’t exactly a deterrent, and Neku’s surprised to realize he’s actually enjoying it.

He might be hurting someone, but Joshua likes to be hurt, and he pushes Joshua down on his last thrust and kisses between his wings, letting his mouth linger on the feathers as he sticks his tongue out and gives them a nice lick.

Joshua shrieks in response, and the whole room vibrates for a moment. The floor, the table, everything – it all rings with the composer’s will before fading back out, and Neku’s glad to feel Joshua dipping into his mind to send reassurance. He was just startled, that’s all, and Neku rests his forehead there as he lets him back up. Not enough to release him, but even standing that close is enough for Joshua to fumble for Neku’s cock, wiggling backward in an effort to reach.

Neku straightens up. “No, Josh,” he says gently, “you don’t get to get me off just yet.”

“Scared you’ll fall asleep?” he quips. Neku rests his fingertips on Joshua’s bare feet. 

“Don’t make me tickle you,” he warns.

“You can’t, anyway,” Joshua grumbles. “I’m not ticklish.”

“Oh really?” he says, and goes for it. True to his word, though, Joshua merely sits there impassively, and it’s more embarrassing than if he’d mocked him. Neku gives up. “Just turn around,” he snaps, gesturing for it, and Joshua laughs at him, though he does go along with it.

“At your service,” he says brightly, and Neku sees him attempt to salute before realizing his hands are trapped behind his back, and Joshua’s face falls. “Ah, it seems we’re both defeated,” he sighs dramatically, and Neku rolls his eyes.

He wasn’t too attached to the tickling idea, anyway. “I’m gonna ask you about your thoughts, all right?” he says, and Joshua nods. “Tell me if it’s not working for you.”

“That’s a hardship,” Joshua notes, and Neku gets up to straddle him. He can’t sit down far – Joshua’s stuck kneeling, after all, but pressing down so Joshua has to lean back uncomfortably is satisfying on its own, and Neku’s pleased to see a flash of concern in his eyes. “Your face is close,” Joshua notes, and Neku kisses him, his hands on the table so he can keep his balance as Joshua carefully returns it, a bit uncertain what Neku intends. 

Good.

Neku keeps the lead and Joshua’s content to let him, his cock straining out of his underwear, but Neku just keeps on exploring his mouth and only notes Joshua’s arousal as an afterthought. He tastes like coffee and salt and smog, or maybe nothing at all, and Neku bites Joshua’s lip to see if blood will follow. Maybe it’s only the idea of it, but the coppery tang washes away the trace of Joshua and his city, and Neku leans back to look at him. “Well?” he says, trying not to lose his nerve. 

“If you keep this up, we might have to do this again,” Joshua replies frankly. “You’re really very – nnhhh!”

That strangled sound was Neku going for his neck, and he sucks right above the tied scarf as Joshua strains up against him, unable to push himself without resorting to psychokinesis, and Neku realizes belatedly Joshua’s confined himself to the RG as much as he can. Sticking to the letter _and_ the spirit, so long as it’s convenient. “I hope that’s not all you were thinking,” he adds quickly as Neku sucks on his ear and then moves down to kiss his chest. 

“It’s not,” Neku promises, and Joshua squirms as Neku makes his way downwards, sliding backwards and off the table as he does so. Neku knows the moment Joshua pays attention to what he’s planning: he stills, and Neku looks up without moving his face from Joshua’s faint happy trail. 

“Conductor,” he says, a bit at a loss.

“Composer,” Neku replies as he slides his finger into Joshua’s waistband, and he’s amused to see Joshua flush as pink as his Noise. “Spit it out, Josh.”

“Neku, I –” Joshua says, shaking his head, and then he nods slowly. “Be careful, Neku: I don’t want to get off like that.”

“It’ll be fine, Josh,” he says, and he slips Joshua’s cock out and gives the head a lick as Joshua shudders and his cock twitches as he tries to pull away, and for a moment, Neku thinks he might slide out of his binds.

Only for a moment, though, and Neku waits for him to settle again before wrapping his mouth around his cock, licking the underside as Joshua lets out a whine, and Neku doesn’t know if it’s desperation or unease. Either way, though, Joshua cranes down to look at him and he feels a breeze ruffle his hair as he teases around the glans.

But that’s enough of that, and he pulls himself away and onto the couch as Joshua lets out a sigh. “I’d rather see _you_ get off, Neku,” he says, petulant, and Neku grips Joshua’s cock in one hand and his own in the other, not bothering to move off the floor.

“Maybe I’ll oblige you,” Neku says, and Joshua looks so painfully hopeful he’s tempted to crush it. He can take care of himself afterward, he decides, and as counter intuitive as it is to delay his own pleasure, Joshua’s dismay is delicious. “Can you fake humanity for a bit?” he asks, and Joshua’s face scrunches up like he bit a doughnut.

“I _guess,_ ” he sulks, and Neku lets go of his own cock to take Joshua’s more firmly, running his thumb along the slit as encouragement, and Joshua concedes. “Oh, all right; what do you want?”

“Come for me,” Neku says with a straight face, and Joshua glowers as Neku kisses the tip of his cock and jerks it, slowly but firmly. “Maybe I want to see you get sticky, too, you know?”

He sticks his tongue out in a pout, but he does nod, pushing up into his hand, and Neku notices in amusement he’s slid his feet free to give himself more room to move. Joshua flushes, but the embarrassment isn’t enough to dissuade him, and Neku wraps his legs around Joshua’s in reassurance. 

“Come on, Josh, just relax and let me,” he coaxes, and Joshua pushes more frantically. “You’re good to me, and you’re behaving pretty well ….”

“Neku,” Joshua murmurs, biting his lip, and he averts his face when Neku smiles at him. “Neku, I ….”

“Come on, Josh,” he urges, massaging the head with one hand as he slides the other along the shaft. “I trust you; just let go, all right?”

Joshua groans and shudders his release right as Neku aims it right where he’ll have to confront it, and while Neku feels him imprint the aftereffects of his orgasm, Neku doesn’t share in it, his own cock aching as he’s left with Joshua’s wary satisfaction, and it’s only his determination to finish Joshua off that keeps his hand from drifting downward. 

Of course, he can’t be _that_ lucky, and he’s left swearing as Joshua comes down from his high. “You got it in my _eye,_ dude!” he yells, not sure how to clean his face off when his hands are a mess, too. “Couldn’t you have been at least that careful?!”

“I didn’t decide any of that,” Joshua replies contentedly, easily removing the scarf. “That’s disgusting, by the way.”

“I got you off,” Neku says back, and he’s trying not to laugh even though _fuck_ that stings and his eyes are watering. “I got you to do the gross thing.”

“And I suppose you’re proud of yourself,” Joshua sniffs, and actually, yeah, he is. “That really is disgusting.”

“You could kiss it better,” he suggests, and even if he can’t see right now, Joshua’s repulsion is to die for. “It’s yours, after all.”

“This was **_your idea!_** ” he roars, and Neku cackles all the way til he’s dumped in the shower and he feels elegant fingers clawing through his hair to get the spunk out, even though you’d think his _eyes’d_ be the first concern.

Ow, fuck, that hurts now that Joshua’s not flooding his brain with his own pleasure, and Neku whimpers. Joshua tuts and Neku feels a sponge being wiped over his face, and Joshua keeps vanishing everything off of it, but agh, ow, ow, ow.

“You’ll be fine,” Joshua murmurs as he finishes with Neku’s face and massages his hair, and Neku warily opens his eyes so water can run through them, and even if that’s unpleasant in itself, he thinks it might help. “Now you know better, I suppose,” he adds, and Neku steps on his foot.

“You could’ve checked what I was doing,” he grumbles, though secretly he’s proud he didn’t. “And I still think the idea was sound.”

Joshua huffs. “What, ruining your hair?” he says, and he buries his knuckles into his scalp to punctuate it. Neku groans, content, and if Joshua’s trying to chastise him, he should probably stop that. “Here, hold still,” he adds, and Neku’s unsurprised to find that layered with a light compulsion. 

“Okay,” he says. 

Joshua snaps his fingers and the water stops in midair, but more importantly he conjures a box of baking soda and globs up some of the water to mix with it. “Keep your eyes open,” he says, and Neku nods sharply before feeling Joshua hold him in place so he can rinse his eyes out. 

It still hurts, but it’s better. “Thank you,” Neku says honestly, and Joshua’s mouth twitches upward as Neku leans down to kiss him on the forehead, right as the water shoots back on and he jumps. “Do you _have_ to do that?!” he yelps, but Joshua just smiles.

“Obviously,” he says, and Neku could kick him. “Honestly, Neku, when you make it so easy to prank you, it’s barely even fun anymore. What are you even doing?”

“This,” he says, and he shoves the sponge over Joshua’s mouth and laughs as he splutters. “Honestly, Josh, when you make it so easy –”

And now he’s done it; Joshua tackles him, and the shower’s really not _big_ enough for that! Neku tries to dodge, but at least the wall’s spongy when Joshua crashes him into it, and it’s fucking embarrassing being pinned by a twig half your weight. Joshua just smirks at him, though, and Neku raises his arms to yield as Joshua goes after him with the sponge, squirting some soap onto it as he tries to clean every last bit of dirt off him, and Neku can’t stop laughing.

He’s – he’s in Shibuya’s Composer’s own shower, and he’s being attacked with a _sponge_. And his eye still hurts, but that doesn’t really matter right now because he’s got to keep Joshua from trying to _tickle_ him, too, and it doesn’t matter that Neku went there first: it’s still not fair that Neku’s ticklish and Joshua isn’t.

Jerk. Jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk, _jerk,_ but he’s happy and Joshua’s happy and that’s all he can bring himself to care about right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year! And we're starting this year off right: with porn. Failtastic bondage, consensual mind control, facials, and showering together because Neku got spunk in his eye because I am a _terrible person._ Don't be a dumbass: close your eyes.


	29. Chapter 29

He’s not in the slightest surprised when the lounge is perfectly clean like they _hadn’t_ just been fooling around in it, and Neku might’ve eaten recently but Joshua’s still pissily glaring at some sort of batter. “Have you made cakes before?” he calls, and Neku has to shake his head.

“Only from a mix,” he replies, and he sits down at the bar to see what Joshua’s up to. It looks messy, whatever it is, and the whole thing’s a bit incongruous. Joshua _hates_ messes, but the flour faintly covering half the kitchenette is just fine, apparently. “Do you usually cook this much?” he asks, and Joshua sets a selection of fruit in front of him.

“No,” he says easily. “I used to work in Sanae’s shop, however, and it’s – familiar, I suppose.”

“Useful, too,” Neku muses, and Joshua beams at him. “Well, don’t feel like you have to do all this on my account, seeing as I’m the one who needs food.”

Joshua snorts. “It’s hardly a trial to make you a gift and please Shibuya at the same time,” he snaps, and Neku quirks a brow at him. “My district prefers when I rely on my own inspiration at times, even if it’s not always efficient. The more arts I’m at least conversant in, the better I can channel my district’s energy. Convenient for us both, don’t you think?”

He’s still cooking on Neku’s behalf, though, and he hates feeling like a waste of space. He knows he isn’t, at least in Joshua’s mind, but he still feels like it, and Joshua’s even faster at doing the dishes than him. “Is there anything I can help with?” he asks hesitantly, and Joshua lights up.

“Absolutely,” he says, and he herds Neku into the kitchen, even though there really isn’t enough space for two. Or maybe that doesn’t matter, since Joshua takes his old spot and switches to using telekinesis without a hitch. “You can mix the batter, and I’ll even let you lick the bowl,” he says, handing Neku a whisk, and Neku makes a face. 

“I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that,” he says.

“Salmonella,” Joshua replies absently. “If you die from that, though, I won’t be too disappointed.”

He rolls his eyes. “I can always count on you to have my safety in mind,” he says. “I think I’ll pass.”

“Suit yourself.”

It’s actually kind of fun, and after Neku pours it into the pan and sticks it in the oven, he gets to watch Joshua make the icing. Espresso flavored, unsurprisingly; Joshua’s not too big on sweet things, and even if Neku suspects the cake’s for him, Joshua should like it, too.

“You’re not what I would have expected,” Neku admits, and Joshua laughs.

“What did you expect?”

God, who knows. Joshua’s always been an enigma, and it used to tick him off. It still does, really, but … it’s not bad, either. “More magic, less cooking.”

“Cooking _is_ magic,” he says, and he sweeps Neku off his feet and twirls him around even as Neku closes his eyes and puts his faith in Joshua. He won’t fall, not even if the guy lifting him’s so small and frail, and they’re back on the couch when Joshua sets him down.

Neku looks into his eyes, and Joshua’s intent as he stares at him owlishly. “Cooking is magic,” Joshua says again. “Creation is what separates us from the animals; humans aren’t the only ones on earth who can connect to the Underground, but it’s ours that shapes the rest. Art is culture and culture is art, and you need both to keep the rest going, Neku.”

He means it; he means it as deeply as he’s ever meant anything. Doesn’t mean Neku agrees. “It’s just food, Josh. You eat it and then it’s gone.”

“Nothing lasts forever,” he says archly. “Food simply lasts less time than most, and _that_ is why you should always compliment the chef.” He gives Neku a pointed look at that, and Neku blinks. 

Is he serious? He’s serious. This is really happening. “Are you mad I didn’t notice you kept feeding me?” he says, and Joshua stiffens. “You are, aren’t you. This is you trying to make me appreciate what you do for me more.”

A huff as he crosses his arms, turning away. “You _could_ admit Sanae’s also been doing the cooking,” he grumbles. “It’s an apology, of a sort.”

Ugh, seriously? “Breakfast ain’t gonna make me forget attempted murder,” he states, and Joshua huffs again. “That is way more than pancakes can cover.”

 _“Oh, be difficult, why don’t you!”_ he snaps, and Neku jerks up. Joshua goes a bit pink, embarrassed by his outburst, but he takes an unnecessary breath and stretches his arms out. “I like you a great deal, Neku,” he says, a bit shaky. “You’re my best option for conductor; you have been since our game, and I don’t think you understand how much I appreciate – everything, every moment you decide to spend with me. But I need you to realize Sanae _does_ try to look out for me and that you and he will need to reach some kind of accord if you have any intention in remaining in my personal life.”

Neku’s hands curl up and he forces himself to breathe. Yelling won’t help, not when Joshua’s issuing an ultimatum and Neku can’t quite get angry about it. Furious about Hanekoma, yes, but not at Joshua’s discomfort at being in the middle. “He hurt you,” he states.

“Rather badly,” Joshua admits. “He’s still my friend.”

“He hurt **me,** ” Neku adds, and Joshua looks down.

“I haven’t forgiven him for that,” he mutters. “Neku, I won’t say he’s changed, because he hasn’t. He won’t, either. It’s your own decision whether you can maintain a professional relationship with him, but he’s my friend and I don’t have many of them, Neku. Keep that in mind.”

It’s hard to forget. “I hate this,” Neku says, hunching up. “Not – not most of it, but you and Hanekoma ….”

Joshua sighs and pulls his legs onto the couch so he can hug them, and Neku glances at him. “He’s dying,” he says simply, and there’s a sorrow there Neku doubts the man deserves. “They haven’t erased him because I need him; he’s already gone in the worlds where I’m not there. What he did to you only confirms it; he’s a traitor and he’ll die a traitor’s death. The Higher Plane isn’t given to mercy.”

He’s – what? “They told you?” Neku asks hollowly, and Joshua pulls his legs closer, burying his face in his knees.

“I preened Sanae and dragged it out of him,” he confesses, and Neku winces: even with his own inexperience, he knows you just don’t _do_ that, and that Joshua did … he did what he had to do, Neku’s sure, but that doesn’t mean he can forgive himself for it. “I can’t save him from what he’s done, Neku. They won’t erase him while I’m composer, not as long as I vouch for him, but he’s a good man and not even my word can keep Them from Their justice forever.”

And Joshua knows it. Those _bastards,_ Neku thinks with feeling, and he gives Joshua a little mental push. Joshua obediently removes himself from Neku’s mind, and he knows it takes active effort but Joshua needs to not hear this. It’s hard as fuck to distance yourself from someone who means as much to you as Neku suspects Hanekoma does to Joshua, and if Hanekoma’d die as consequence ….

Neku couldn’t bring himself to leave Joshua to founder alone, and Neku has other friends, can make other friends. Joshua’s **alone:** he doesn’t have anyone else to fill that role. Why did they let him know he’s the only thing standing between Hanekoma and erasure? 

Oh. Oh, hell, he didn’t learn from them at all. He learned from _Hanekoma,_ and – Neku just had a nasty thought. “… Can he lie?” he says carefully, and Joshua glances at him. 

“Not to me,” he says, and Joshua believes what he’s saying utterly. If Hanekoma can say something factually wrong, Joshua doesn’t know it.

“How did you find that out, exactly?” he asks, and Joshua’s temper flares, dissonant enough to go straight to Neku’s spine, but he reins it in and Neku feels his silent apology, even as Joshua _tries_ to stay out of his head. 

“I’ve been doing this a lot longer than you, Neku,” he says levelly. “Did you think I wouldn’t recognize a manipulation attempt for what it was? Of course I fact-checked; I even asked that bastard in Shinjuku to check with her producer if Sanae might have been misleading me. The Higher Plane will have his wings the moment he’s no longer useful, and I’m too competent for Them to want me replaced. He Fell, Neku; he’s even more of a dead man walking than the rest of us.”

So Hanekoma didn’t lie, and Neku lets out a long breath as he senses Joshua’s awareness fall back into place. It’s odd, knowing someone’s listening in on your thoughts, but he trusts Joshua and knows it’s just natural for him. 

“I’m sorry,” Neku says, even if he’s not sure why. If anyone deserves erasure, it’s Hanekoma; he just wishes CAT would go down without hurting anyone else. Fat chance of that.

“He’s had a good run,” Joshua says quietly. “Four hundred years, give or take; no one could say his punishment isn’t fair, and They won’t force me to adjust to a new producer. He’s even still around in some of the worlds I never became composer, though that won’t last. It’s a kinder fate than many.”

Or a form of torture all its own, and Neku tries to push the thought down. “It still sucks,” he says instead, and Joshua nods jerkily. He climbs over next to him and pulls him into his lap, and is unsurprised to find Joshua shoving his face into his chest with a pained sound. 

Joshua can’t have learned this recently, but … Neku must be the first person he’d confided in, and he feels bizarrely flattered. “We’re a mess,” Neku observes as he rubs Joshua’s back and nuzzles his shoulder, and Joshua laughs darkly. “I’ll keep working on a truce with him, though.”

“Thank you,” he mumbles, wrapping his arms around his neck, and Neku lets out a chuckle of his own. “I should be used to these things by now; my _job_ is lost causes.”

But none of them mattered to Joshua personally. “Sometimes things hit people weird,” Neku offers. “I’m not going to hold it against you.” He might need to have a freak-out of his own, actually: Hanekoma might be a total douchebag, but he’s also the foundation of a lot of Neku’s life. And there’s a difference between knowing nobody’s immortal and hearing somebody’s in deep shit and not getting out.

Joshua sighs. “I told you so you would understand, _not_ so it would bring you down, too,” he grumbles. “Sanae is as fine as he’ll ever be again, and you can’t even perceive the damage. He’s not erased yet.”

“I know that,” he snaps. “I also know it matters **to you,** Josh.”

Another sigh. “Thank you, I suppose,” Joshua says, and he slides off him to rest his head in Neku’s lap. He’s breathing, Neku realises, but it tapers off as Neku wraps his arms around his head and Neku’s a little disappointed, even as Joshua pushes up to settle himself on Neku’s elbow with a contented hum.

Neku scratches his scalp as Joshua groans in appreciation, and he feels him grow slightly less real. Or more real, depending how you look at it, the solidity of a living body fading away to make room for the dull roar of Shibuya, and just because it doesn’t quite speak to him anymore doesn’t mean he doesn’t know it when he feels it. Joshua’s redevoting his attention to his work, and all Neku’s here for is a nap as he lets himself doze, still petting his composer. 

He almost doesn’t notice when the door opens and footsteps resound off the plexiglass floor; Joshua certainly doesn’t seem to care. “Anybody home?” he hears. “Something smells good.”

“It’s Neku and me today, Kouki,” Joshua calls. “There’s a cake in the oven and it should be about done.” Hey, that is _Neku’s_ cake, and he ain’t sharing with no Lollipop. … much.

“Sweeto!” The reaper bolts over to the bar while still trying to look languid, which just makes him look like a dork, but reapers. What can you do?

“Don’t you fucking dare eat it all,” Neku says loudly, and Joshua chuckles, this reassuring rumble all along him. 

“I made it to be eaten,” Joshua murmurs, and Neku swats him. He’s going to have at least some of the cake, damn him. 

Kariya thankfully brings the thing over to the table, along with the icing, and settles himself on the other couch as he ices it and cuts them all slices, giving himself a massive corner piece. Neku glares at him, but he nudges Joshua up and takes his plate, and damn is this thing good.

Chocolate with a faint fruity tang, and the coffee compliments it nicely, and Neku digs in. Joshua’s watching him, he realizes, and just to mess with him a little, he hums in euphoria as a parody of Joshua himself, though it really is a pretty divine cake.

Joshua turns away suddenly, an enigmatic smile on his face, and Neku wishes he could scan him. Joshua snorts softly and tosses him a `Love you,` and then it’s Neku who doesn’t want to meet anyone’s faces. 

“Didn’t think the boss-man could cook,” Kariya says, and Neku darkens. Did he have to ruin the moment? “You got some kind of occasion, J?”

“Neku’s back in the world of the living,” Joshua replies, and Neku stares at him. _That’s_ what the cake’s about?! “He’s not ready.”

And Kariya’s quiet, cold in a way Neku’d rather never see him again. “He’s already been introduced as your conductor.”

“Nevertheless, my decisions are absolute.”

“Josh, what the fuck are you pulling?” Kariya says, standing up for whatever intimidation value it gives him, but Joshua’s as nonchalant as ever and Neku feels him wrapping his power around them both. “We ain’t toys, boss, and Coco and I sure as hell ain’t gonna keep this charade up forever. We’re low-ranking for a _reason,_ and if you think you can just keep flitting around without a conductor –”

“ **I’m** the conductor,” Neku interrupts, crossing his arms as he glares. 

_“You’re not dead!”_

Joshua stands up. “Neku **is** my conductor, Kouki,” he states, and he may be small, but Neku would _not_ want to be on the other side of his regal fury. “I sealed away his wings because the timing wasn’t right; I **don’t care** what everyone else thinks.”

Kariya sits back down, defeated. “Well, maybe you should,” he says quietly. “It’s been four years, J – it’s getting past when Coco and I got the patience to cover for you. You need a conductor and you need a _reaper,_ boss; nobody else gives a fuck who he says he is if he can’t even stand up to them in a fight.”

“I won’t be long,” Neku promises, and it’s a lump in his gut. He doesn’t think he’ll regret this, but how can he know? _You can always turn back,_ Joshua sends him like he’d thought it himself, and he swallows. He can, but not without inconveniencing a lot of people. “Winter break,” he says. “If everything goes well, I’ll take up my wings on winter break.”

“And if it doesn’t?” Kariya mutters, and Joshua forces his hands to relax.

“Then we’ll see how it goes,” Joshua says firmly, sitting back down, and Neku feels him loosening his grip on him.

Joshua’s a leader, and Neku tries to copy his stern demeanor as Kariya glances between them, uncomfortable. Finally he nods and says, “Okay. You’re the boss, J, and I trust you, even if you make it _really fucking hard_ on the rest of us sometimes.”

“The perils of dictatorship,” he says mildly. “I _am_ the composer, after all.”

“Uzuki’d have my head if she knew we were sitting here like this,” Kariya mutters, and Neku snickers. “Hey, it’s not funny; do you _know_ how much she keeps trying to drag me into her plans for promotion?”

“Just tell her you weren’t gonna take on both of us at once,” Neku says, still trying not to laugh. “You’d be totally dead.”

Kariya points his fork at him. “I might be totally dead, but I can still whoop some whippersnapper’s ass,” he claims, and Joshua leans back, wrapping his arm around Neku’s waist. 

“I’d rather we don’t test that anytime soon,” he says mildly, and Neku and Kariya share a look. Joking, dude, but he continues: “I happen to like Neku’s ass.”

Neku tackles him and shoves his hand over Joshua’s face to stifle his cackling, as Kariya gags. “Don’t tell people that!” he orders, but Joshua’s undaunted and he licks Neku’s hand.

“I’m getting out of here,” Kariya says, standing up, and Neku and Joshua both pause in their wrestling to wave at him, though Neku climbs onto his boyfriend to pin him. What an annoying guy, and he’s not even repentant.

Joshua keeps phasing through the couch to wiggle out from under him, but Neku still thinks he’s winning here. “I’ll apologize to him later, I suppose,” Joshua says, and it takes him a moment to figure out why.

“No, really?” Neku says, and he gets off him and sulks on the other side of the couch. Ugh, gross, public displays of affection, and _Neku_ was one of the assholes here.

“This is the first time I’ve had to deal with wanting to jump somebody at any given time,” he explains, unperturbed. “I’ve plenty of leeway with my friends, I assure you.”

“Well, you ain’t going to jump _me_ in public,” Neku states, and Joshua sighs. “They might excuse **you,** but some of us know better by now.”

And Joshua’s older than him – older by a _lot_ – so really, shouldn’t they both be past this? “We’re not in public,” he says blandly, and no, actually. No, they are not.

“We just _had_ sex,” Neku feels obligated to point out, but Joshua climbs on top of him anyway and floats up a piece of cake. 

“Open wide,” he purrs, and are they really going to do this? Guess so, because Neku doesn’t want to disappoint him, and he lets Joshua float each bite of truly decadent cake into his mouth, careful not to lose any crumbs. It’s not even the slightest bit practical, but Joshua’s eyelids flutter each time Neku closes his mouth to chew and swallow, and that maybe makes it worth it. Maybe. 

“It’d be easier if I just fed myself,” he points out, but Joshua only rolls his eyes and keeps going, resting his fingertips along Neku’s jaw and throat in possessive satisfaction.

The cake _is_ pretty damn awesome. Joshua glows when he thinks that, so Neku tries humming in appreciation at the next morsel again, and – yeah, okay, that goes straight to Joshua’s libido. Useful to know, though now he’s even more uncomfortable with him doing that in public.

“Oh, it’s not sexual,” Joshua assures him. “It’s simply easiest for you to interpret it that way.”

“Okay, Mr ‘It’s Not Sexual,’” Neku says easily. “You just have a stiffy for no reason.”

Joshua glances down and back up, then smiles. “I say again, it’s simply how your brain interprets my cues.”

Sure, Josh. Sure. Neku’s still going to think it’s a fetish, and he licks his lips to get some stray icing off. God, can Joshua cook, and Joshua shuffles like he might be aroused enough to be uncomfortable. Clearly it’s all on Neku’s end, though; he’s just projecting any sexual undertones to it. 

“You are, actually,” Joshua mutters, but Neku’s still unconvinced. “If you weren’t interested in me, there’d be nothing to show I’m interested in you.”

“It’s all my fault,” Neku sings as he sits up to lay a kiss on Joshua’s lips, and Joshua melts into his touch even as he’s shaking his head. He seems happy, though, and he tastes like that goddamned cake, so Neku doesn’t back off and Joshua doesn’t either.

He’s not kissing back near as much as Neku’d want him to, but Neku feels him insinuating himself into Neku’s mind and that’s good in its own way, most of his concerns drowned out by Joshua’s pure love of existence, a bit of mental prodding for Neku to think about them baking together and Joshua quivers under him.

That’s what he wants. That’s actually what he wants, more than Neku’s tongue caressing his lips, and Neku thinks about that mural Joshua’s putting in for him and Joshua lets out a whine.

He gets off on this. The weirdo actually fucking gets off on Neku thinking about what he’d made for him, and he sends a `well, **obviously**` as Neku tries to pull up the details he’d liked the most. It’s hard to think with Joshua crowding out the rest, but he tries anyway and Joshua shakes. 

“And you baked me a cake and you made me eggs and you –” he says, kiss forgotten, but Joshua vanishes and sends him a hurried _don’t stop_ as Neku tells him what else he’s done and Neku’s noticed. 

The floor’s ringing, and Neku glances down at it to see a skate and that reminds him. “It’s cute how you like fish so much,” he says, and Joshua might be gone from where he can find him but he senses a terse _keep going,_ so he will. “You’ve got some jellyfish in the bathroom, and they’re really relaxing, and you keep remodeling your house for me and you barely complained when I showed up out of the blue, and –”

` I love you, Neku,` Joshua says with the weight of Shibuya behind it, and Neku falls silent. `We love you, and We want you as Our conductor so dearly, and I'll be down in a minute, once We've done a few things. You should preen me after that display, Neku; that was well done.`

“Thanks?” he says, and he feels Joshua withdraw from his mind for now. Not completely, but there goes Neku’s sense of Joshua, and he feels strangely bereft.

He’s not even gross and sweaty, and he _definitely_ doesn’t feel like Joshua’d ruined an orgasm or something like that, no matter that Joshua was giving him echoes of how he felt, but it’s still not right for Joshua to run off like that, and Neku feels a bit like he might cry.

“That was divine,” Joshua says shakily, and Neku looks up to see him straightening out his rumpled clothes. “Neku, that was perfect,” and Neku’s sure he means it. 

“You left,” Neku accuses, and Joshua’s face falls. “You got me eager for you to be there and you _left._ ”

“I can’t pull you up with me,” Joshua says quietly, but that doesn’t feel _good_ enough! Neku didn’t want to be alone, and he’s crying a little as he pulls Joshua into his lap and holds him close. “I needed to go up, Neku; you’re _human_ and I can’t –”

Neku can’t feel the cosmos, and his lips go flat as Joshua keeps trying to pet him, trying to make up for it somehow, but Neku needed someone there and Joshua left. 

“I’m sorry,” Joshua finishes, and Neku feels his shirt go damp where Joshua’s buried into it. Fucking drama queen, but Neku knows he only cries if he wants to and he’s not moved. “Neku, it wasn’t on purpose.”

“You could’ve warned me.”

Not early enough, Joshua thinks, and Neku doesn’t know if he wants to kick him back out of his mind. It’s nice having him there, but it’s worse when he’s just _gone_ and he’s still angry. “I told you I can’t always be there for you.”

“There’s a difference between being a flake and bolting like that,” he states, and Joshua nods weakly. 

“It was **really** nice,” he mumbles. “It was run or risk losing control.”

So, what, Neku can’t get his boyfriend off in the same room without risking him killing him?

“Death, I can fix,” he adds. “Erasure, too, barring any complications. If I make you a vegetable, Neku, I can’t do anything about that, and that will **never** be an acceptable risk.”

“Good to know you’ve got my safety in mind,” Neku grumbles, and Joshua flinches. “I thought you made sure you wouldn’t accidentally erase me.”

“Barring extreme circumstances, yes,” he says. “You’re resistant enough I know when I need to leave, and you can tolerate almost anything I can’t anticipate. I won’t erase you by _accident,_ Neku, but willful negligence is still a factor.”

He inhales deeply and rubs Joshua’s back, and is unsurprised when Joshua looks up at him hopefully. Neku understands, or is trying to, but he remembers Joshua entwining his psyche around his own that time on Pork City and he wants that so badly. “You did what you had to do,” he forces out, and Joshua hugs him again. “I forgive you.”

“That was very nice,” Joshua murmurs in his ear, his hair brushing against Neku’s neck softly. “It would have been better if you were with me, but your soul shines so brightly, dear Neku, and We love you for it.”

“Are you going to run if I do it again?” he has to ask, and he feels him nod. Figures. “Can you do that while staying out of my head?” he tries.

Joshua ruffles his feathers noisily, though Neku can’t feel where he’s got them. “How do you propose I do that?” he grumbles, and Neku rolls his eyes as Joshua calms himself. “No, Neku, not unless I plan on taking no pleasure from it,” he says with a sigh, and Neku expected as much. “I’m not a physical being; I have different needs.”

“And _I_ need to not feel like you just dumped me, so I think we’ve both got problems!” he snaps, and Joshua stiffens. “Sorry, I just –”

“You felt abandoned,” he says, and Neku nods as Joshua offers him a memory and he accepts. Joshua isn’t sending it the way he experienced it, but Neku wouldn’t have understood it otherwise and –

> Shibuya’s so much older than its composer, and it’s the City who makes the decisions, but They both love the young conductor and every little bit of incentive helps. If the conductor wants to send the composer into the throes of ecstasy, Shibuya will oblige, the better to cement their relationship, and Joshua knows it, wants it. Neku is Neku is Neku and neither of Them want to risk him ever leaving for another district, even as Joshua hazily recalls some reason Neku isn’t quite Theirs yet. A temporary affair, Shibuya knows, and They love Neku and Neku loves Shibuya, so what can go wrong?
> 
> Nothing, Joshua promises, nothing will, not if he can help it, and he tastes at the effects of his Imagination on Neku’s soul as Shibuya entwines them, and Joshua wants nothing more than the approval of Neku – Shibuya – Neku – he doesn’t know and it doesn’t matter; the conductor is as much the district’s as the composer and Neku is/will-be the conductor. Shibuya’ll sync them together and leave them _both_ happy, but Joshua interjects and the City doesn’t understand.
> 
> Neku is Shibuya’s; he was born in Shibuya, he was raised in Shibuya, he was _chosen_ by Shibuya’s own composer, and the idea that They shouldn’t claim him as such is preposterous. He’s never leaving for long – They know that and even he knows that – so why does it matter? It doesn’t, Shibuya decides, but Joshua pulls himself up past Neku’s perceptions and basks in the echoes of their souls.
> 
> They made such a good choice, and They both want Their conductor to feel good; why should he not feel good? He’s doing so well by Them, but Joshua cuts off his contact suddenly and pulls himself up to Their level, calling Their producer to him to keep from crashing, and Shibuya approves, even if it doesn’t understand. Neku shouldn’t need a reaper’s safeguards – Neku is _Theirs_ – but They can cement his bond with the composer afterwards, and this is only a temporary state of affairs, after all.
> 
> Shibuya might have a human conductor, but They won’t leave it like that if They can avoid it. Not forever.

Neku’s still as that tries to sink in, and he feels Joshua tense in his arms, expecting him to freak.

He’s not human. Joshua is really seriously not human, and Neku’s freaking out, actually, even as he tries to keep himself from getting mad at Joshua. Joshua’s trusting him; he **knows** Joshua’s trusting him and that Joshua wouldn’t be letting him know some of what goes on in his head if he didn’t think Neku might be able to deal with it, but really? Neku is not sure he can deal with this. “You,” he starts, and stops. What the **fuck** is he supposed to say to that?

“Me,” Joshua agrees, and Neku’s having trouble breathing right now and his heart’s racing and Shibuya does not give a **single shit** about him or what he wants, does it, past what he can do for Joshua and Shibuya and he really seriously doesn’t know what to do with this right now, but he’d like some help, Josh, like, actually, any time now –

He feels the pressure on his chest lighten even as his body moves without his input, Joshua regulating his breathing, but he tries to squeeze his eyes shut and Joshua lets him. Neku’s not driving, but he’s not locked out, either, and he feels his hand grab something cool and bring it to his mouth.

Water. Water is a good idea, and Joshua might be a bit clumsy with moving him, but he doesn’t spill any and Neku’s grateful. After Joshua’s had him polish off the glass, slowly enough to not get hiccups, he’s feeling a bit better and he tries to give Joshua a mental nudge. Joshua leaves like he wasn’t even there, and Neku opens his eyes to see him looking closed off as he sits on the other side of the couch.

He didn’t do anything wrong this time, and Neku hesitantly reaches out for him. Joshua snaps up, but doesn’t move any closer, and Neku’s not sure what he expected. He’s probably never going to take the peace offering the first time it’s there.

“Shibuya’s kind of awful,” Neku says, and a whole mess of emotions cross Joshua’s face that Neku can’t read.

“Shibuya’s a city,” he says eventually. “Cities don’t think the way you do.”

“There’s a difference between not thinking like me and thinking I’m just some kind of _toy,_ ” he states, and Joshua winces. “Do my opinions even matter at all?”

“Everything matters,” Joshua says, but that’s not really an answer. They matter, but they might not change anything, either. “Shibuya trusts me to add the human element to Our consciousness, Neku; We won’t mould you to Our needs because **I** won’t allow it.”

Joshua’s the one with ethics. Neku can’t help it: he starts laughing and he’s not really sure how to stop, or why his face is wet. This is _so_ fucked up, and he understands why Joshua fled, now. What he doesn’t get is why Joshua isn’t fleeing _all the time,_ because if that’s how Shibuya thinks … Neku couldn’t stand it, can’t even imagine standing it.

“Shibuya wants me to be happy,” Joshua murmurs, and Neku glances up. Joshua’s keeping his distance, but his hand’s on the couch and Neku sets his own over his and Joshua smiles weakly. “It doesn’t understand ethics, or why I prefer you to Megumi, when he’d’ve done **anything** for Our approval, but it does know I like you as you are, and We’d never rewrite you without your permission. We may not like – a great deal of things, but We’ll wait as long as We need to keep from breaking you to Our will. I don’t want to hurt you, Neku.”

But Shibuya would, if it thought it was worth it, and – Joshua’s never quite joking when he says he’d like to kill him, is he. Maybe that’s not what _Joshua_ wants, but Shibuya wants Neku dead and sworn to their service and damn the consequences, and that’s –

“Thank you for reviving me,” Neku says suddenly, and Joshua averts his eyes. “Shibuya must not have –”

“Please don’t,” he says tiredly. “Shibuya and I aren’t the same entity, but I don’t know where one of Us ends and the other begins, Neku. We did what We needed to do.” And he’s still angry about it. 

Neku shuts his mouth. He trusts Joshua, but … this could go very badly.

“Your friends will be off work soon,” he adds. “Why don’t you clean up and I’ll send you to the surface, Neku.”

He’s expecting Neku to ditch him, and honestly that wouldn’t be a bad idea. Neku doesn’t want to, though; they might both need some space, but Neku likes him and Joshua’s the same person he was before he shared that imprint. “I’ll preen you when I get back,” he promises, and Joshua chuckles. “I mean it, J.”

“I believe you,” he says, and Neku watches him fade out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Food kink ...!
> 
> I played Undertale last weekend! It was good.


	30. Chapter 30

He’s already pretty clean, but he washes off some of the sweat from his panic attack anyway and that helps. Pity Joshua’s avoiding him again, but at least Neku doesn’t think they’re fighting. Hard to tell, though. 

They aren’t the same type of being. It isn’t new information, but it’s still terrifying and he can see why Shiki and Beat aren’t comfortable being at the periphery of that. Neku knows and trusts Joshua: he has some assurance he won’t do anything to him that his friends seriously don’t have, and there’s nothing he can do to bridge that gap.

Of course it’s hard for them to remember he’s the composer: the composer is _terrifying_ and so, so dangerous. He could ask Joshua what they know of him and see how he can frame it all so they won’t worry about Neku’s reaper boyfriend quite so much, if he wanted.

He’s thinking about Joshua invading their minds. What the fuck is wrong with him? That’s so far past lying to his friends he can’t even – what is he **doing?** God, he’s so fucked up. 

He pulls out his phone, grateful that the conductor upgrade means he doesn’t need to charge it though he sure as hell isn’t going to trust that, and sends Joshua a quick text. `Does shibuya fuck with my head too?` he types nervously, and he doesn’t know what response he wants.

`Your mind is your own, but yes, you're in tune with what your district wants. You're within Shibuya's influence, but not subject to its will.`

So that’s … a yes? Probably? Neku wishes Joshua’d give him a straight answer, but he probably doesn’t know for sure, either.

Neku’s fucked up, but Shibuya sure ain’t helping. That’s how it is, and fuck, that’ll be so much worse when he’s a reaper. If he even becomes a reaper again, and even the prospect is terrifying.

Murder is one thing, and the reapers more cull the weak and send them on their journey than actually kill people, but sharing his head with the district’s alien intelligence is something else altogether. 

`I'm not asking you to Compose, Neku,` Joshua adds in another text. `You'll still be able to disobey your district as you please, so long as you don't actively work against the greater good.`

Yeah, but **Joshua** can’t go too far against his district, and that’s not what Neku thought he was signing up for. He sends Beat and Shiki a message asking them if they’d want to hang out, then checks himself in the mirror and heads back to the couch.

“Josh?” he calls. “Can you come down for a minute? I feel like we left that on the wrong foot.”

“I suppose,” he says, rematerialising, and Neku lights up. “What did you want, Neku?”

“Just to pet you until I need to go,” he says easily, and Joshua looks at him strangely. “Look, I know you weren’t trying to upset me, and thank you for telling me, even if I don’t like it and you’re right that I should head out for a while. But I don’t want to leave it so fucking _Hanekoma_ is the last person you cuddled when we could both use it.”

He nods faintly, then lifts him onto the couch so Joshua can curl up on his lap, and Neku runs his hands along his back, conscious of him keeping his wings away. “Sanae knew you were the one I wanted there,” he murmurs, and it’s a bit of weight off Neku’s chest. 

“I thought so,” he says, and he hums and taps a beat out as Joshua’s wings reform under his fingers and Joshua _squeaks._ “I’m not angry with you, Josh.”

His feathers are so soft, and Neku buries his fingers in the coverts as Joshua tries to formulate a sentence. “Shibuya – aaah! – wants you to be happy, too, Neku,” he says, and Neku presses his lips together. “We want you with wings so you can feel even better than We feel right now, you know, and ….”

Neku kisses the top of his head and Joshua flails, though he seems happy about it. “I like you even without that,” he promises, and Joshua shudders. “You don’t need to bribe me.”

“Can’t hurt to have the incentive,” he says under his breath, and Neku pulls on one wing to see all the feathers as Joshua screws his eyes shut. It’s okay, Josh, Neku’s not going to hurt you, but that doesn’t keep him from shaking as Neku examines the feathers and checks for any damage.

He seems okay, but Neku wipes off a few flakes of orange dust and Joshua moans, so some good’s coming from checking. “What’s the deal with your Noise, anyway?”

“The city is the composer and the composer is the city,” Joshua murmurs, barely audible, and he holds himself still as Neku pets him. “Reapers don’t collect Noise, but Shibuya can and so I can as well. That’s all.”

Sounds like a shit deal to Neku, but at least he likes being checked. Leaning back, he lets himself doze off a little as he keeps scritching Joshua, and Joshua sighs in contentment.

Shibuya’s fucking terrifying and Neku’s still not happy about it, but Joshua tries to be a decent sort and he trusts him. He’s dangerous, but not unsafe, like a sharp knife or a loaded gun, Neku figures, but Joshua huffs and Neku flicks his shoulder. 

“Keeping a gun loaded is bad gun safety,” Joshua complains, his feathers fluffing up. “You’ll get your pay docked if I ever find out about you doing that.”

Oh, fuck off, it’s not like Neku’s ever needed to know. “I’m going to get paid?”

“Why wouldn’t you?”

Maybe because Neku’s his boyfriend? Joshua **is** going to stick him with a job, though, so maybe it makes sense for him to get paid. So long as Josh doesn’t threaten to dock it for anything a reaper could get away with, anyway. Joshua giggles and Neku swats him lightly, basically just tapping his wings, and the guy looks up at him so wide-eyed and innocent that Neku takes pity on him and pets him. Damn puppy eyes. 

After a bit, he hears his phone buzz and Joshua conjures it to Neku’s hands, which is a neat trick. `Want 2 meet in 1hr?` Shiki types, and yes, yes, he does. “Do you think she’ll forgive me?” he says out loud, already typing a response, and Joshua shrugs.

“She won’t like your current plans,” he says mildly, and Neku bristles.

“I don’t have to tell her,” he states, and it’s true. She won’t forgive him if he doesn’t, and he doesn’t think he could keep up the deception for long, but he can at least not end it on this note.

Make up with her only to let it fade in better circumstances. That seems ruthless, but it also seems like his best option, and Joshua sighs. “I don’t have much advice, I’m afraid. You can keep her happy, or you can keep her trust; she won’t like this you, but it may be worth it to tell her what you can.”

“But what _can_ I tell her?” he says plaintively, and he stops stroking Joshua so he can think properly. Joshua hums for a moment, putting his words in order, and Neku has the distinct impression Joshua’s already thought about this and simply didn’t know if his advice was wanted. 

“Your reaper boyfriend insisted you request a resurrection from the composer; the composer granted it, with the understanding you’d consider a Game job at a later date,” he says confidently, and Neku senses him imprinting it so he’ll remember it precisely. “You have reservations and aren’t certain you’ll take it, but you’re in line for an administrative position and you think you could do a lot of good. Your boyfriend wants you as a coworker but wants you happy more than that, and the composer simply wants more Shibuya artists, so neither wish to impede your life outside the Game. Bring up that time you had to reconcile those two friends; finding cases like **that** will be one of your primary duties, and you’re expected to have minimal contact with Players.”

Is … all of that true? He goes over that in his head, and yeah, none of that’s a lie. It’s not the truth, either, but none of it’s lying and it sounds okay. “I’m going to need you to write that down,” he says, “but thanks. I think that – I think that could help a lot. And I still won’t tell her I’m going to take my wings back up next break, but if I – yeah. Thanks a lot, Josh, that could work.”

Joshua chuckles, and Neku for once feels comparatively young. “I’m the composer, Neku; this is one of my jobs,” he says, and yet he can’t get along with other people to save his life. The advice still sounds good, though, and Neku lays a kiss on the back of his neck as Joshua flaps up against his chest, nearly knocking the wind out of him.

“And I’m glad for it,” Neku says firmly, kissing him again and this time letting himself suck along Joshua’s spine as he moans in pleasure, wings firmly pressed against and through Neku’s body, and even knowing they both have somewhere else they need to be isn’t enough to stop him from teasing at Joshua’s neck with his teeth.

It’s not really Neku’s fetish, but it’s definitely Joshua’s, and Neku feels the composer and city subtly encouraging him to continue even as Joshua groans and vanishes. “I’ll see you later, Neku,” he says firmly, and Neku looks up to see him gazing down from behind him. “I won’t be going anywhere.”

Joshua can wait a lot longer than Shiki can. They can both wait, even if Joshua brings out most of Neku’s thoughtless lust. “See you,” he says, and he blacks out for a moment as Joshua relocates him.

How teleportation keeps getting _more_ unpleasant, he has no idea, but he looks around and realizes he’s by Molco. Right next to the phone booth of love, actually, and he flushes as he finds somewhere else to be. 

At least it wasn’t the fucking Scramble Crossing this time, he thinks darkly. Joshua is _way_ too comfortable with dropping him there without warning. The lucky phone booth is merely embarrassing, and Neku has no idea how anyone actually manages to convince themselves to use it. Are they really that desperate? 

Unbidden, he remembers Def Märch, and yes, yes they are. Oh, fuck, he hopes they don’t find out about his death and resurrection: they shouldn’t have it rubbed in their faces that his whims are more important than their retirements. Presumably it’s not _dire_ for them, while Neku was going to drive Joshua to an early grave, but that’s still seriously not fair. Even if they like their jobs. 

` It's not the same,` Joshua sends him, and Neku stares in consternation at the phone screen. `I sealed your wings and locked you to the RG, rather than fully resurrect you. Def Märch intends on being fully alive. There aren't many significant differences, but taking care of you was much cheaper than handling them will be.`

`Im sure theyll be convinced,` Neku types back, mentally shooing him off. Doesn’t he have work to do? He should do that rather than pay attention to whatever Neku’s thinking about. 

Joshua sighs and Neku feels him withdraw, and fuck but does it feel _lonely_ in his head without him. More to the point, without the faint awareness of everyone around him and the city itself. 

It’s so quiet. Neku doesn’t like it. He keeps startling every time someone passes by him from behind, and even if he’s subtle about it, it’s **weird** to not know exactly where everyone near him is. At least when he was taking the train, he could uptune again the moment he crossed UGs.

Well, it’ll be a while before he can do that again, and he finds a decent café to marinate in his misery as he waits for Shiki. He wasn’t even dead that long, but that was still enough to feel like he’s got his headphones buzzing in his ears and keeping him from hearing properly, and he finds himself actually watching his step, instead of naturally knowing exactly where he is.

No wonder Joshua wanted him with wings. City-sense is _nice,_ whenever he wasn’t … scanning and nearly imprinting his friends. Fuck. Right, **that’s** the downside, and a hell of a downside that was.

He can have the city in his head, or he can be safe around his friends. Those are his options, and that he keeps leaning towards the former is … what kind of person is he, to like that convenience over knowing he can’t accidentally mind control anyone? He’s so fucking selfish sometimes; at least this way, he can’t try feeding anyone to dragon noise. No one deserves that.

“Hello, Neku,” Shiki says, and he jerks up.

“Hey!” he says, scrambling up as he slides her chair out for her, and they both sit down. “Sorry, I didn’t see you come in.”

“I just got here,” she assures him, but it’s fucking unsettling to not know who’s where near him. “So, you’re alive again?”

“Yeah, Josh thought I was moving too fast and the composer revived me,” he says quickly, and she glances down. “Hey, Shiki?”

But she looks up again, bright and determined, and he knows then that he can’t keep this up. It’s not fair to either of them. “Yeah?”

“I’m not going to leave the UG alone,” he states, and it sucks, but it’s true. “It’s dangerous, and some of this stuff can be dangerous for the people around me, but I can do a lot of good and I want to try. Josh wants me to try, too, and he’s been keeping an eye out to make sure I don’t go too far.”

She’s not happy, but then, she wouldn’t be, would she. “I don’t suppose there’s any point in reminding you he’s killed you, is there?” she says rhetorically, and he shakes his head. “Well. You can make your own decisions.”

“I can,” he agrees, “and I know it’s not what you wanted, and it’s not what Beat wanted either. I don’t – I don’t expect you to stick by me after this; I **know** I’ve been shitty to both of you and I know this seems really weird, but I’m alive again and it **sucks.** ”

“Neku,” she says, and then she’s sitting next to him and he’s shaking. 

“I couldn’t stop scanning you,” he admits. “I didn’t listen to most of it – you remember how it was, with everyone blending in together in the background unless you tried – but I scanned you and I scanned Beat and I know it was wrong, but it feels _nice_ to hear bits of your Music and know – that’s Shiki. She’s smart, and skilled, and determined, and I can always trust her to do the right thing, and you’re really **good,** you know? You’re incredible, and I’ve been ….”

“You’ve been going through a lot,” she says quietly, and he knows then that even if she’d made her mind up, she’d forgive him again. And that’s not –

He takes a deep breath. “I’m going to become a reaper again,” he says, and she bites her lip. “I know there’s so much else I could do with my life, but I’m good at this and Joshua needs my help. I’m not going to stop being – a lot of the stuff I’m going to do is going to fucking suck, even if I’m only an administrator, and I don’t think you’re going to want to hear about it. If there is _ever_ something you want my help with, somebody causing problems at work and needing a few suggestions to push them in the right direction or anything, you let me know, okay?”

And she’s still quiet, not sure what to say because what _can_ you say to that – he might as well be joining the yakuza for all she cares – but she nods slowly and he’s so happy she was his friend. “I hope I don’t need it,” she says, and she’s laughing a little, “but thanks for the offer, anyway. You know you can count on me, too, right?”

Yeah, but …. “Oh,” he says suddenly. “I asked the composer, and if anything happens, you’re exempt from the Game by default,” he says, and she jerks up with evident relief. He might not be supposed to share that, but he wouldn’t be surprised if she’s been scared ever since she got out, and he’s got something he can offer, too: “It’s only a victors thing, so Eri isn’t, but if anything ever happens and you want somebody to be looked after, I can check in for you.”

Quick thinking as she absorbs that, and it occurs to him again just how much _power_ he has, with the Shibuya composer following his wishes. “I’ll keep that in mind,” she says finally, and he flushes. “Is that all you wanted to meet for?” she adds, a bit awkward, and he shrugs.

“I don’t think we have that much in common anymore,” he admits, and he feels better having it out in the open like that. “We’re both a lot busier than we were, and I’m – going to be involved in more UG stuff, I guess, so we don’t ….”

She was his first real friend in a long time, and he knows he’s important to her, too, but he knows she sees the truth in that and he made the right decision in telling her. She takes off her glasses to clean them, and he’s kind of jealous of the good excuse to do something with her hands. “Even if we’re not going to be close like we used to,” she says slowly, “we can still hang out sometimes, you know.”

… really? “You aren’t mad?” he says blankly, and she quirks her brow.

“Neku, I am _furious!_ ” she snaps, but she rubs her face and sips her drink and he can breathe again, really. “I can’t believe you! You kept lying about everything and telling us it’s all fine like we’re your _babysitters!_ Either tell us what’s wrong or trust us not to pry when you didn’t want to talk about it! We’re your _friends,_ Neku: it’s not our job to keep you from doing what you want to even if we don’t like it!”

` She cares about you,` Joshua says, and Neku stiffens, though whether it’s from her outburst or Joshua’s commentary is anyone’s guess. “I don’t think you’re my babysitter,” he says slowly, and she rolls her eyes. 

“Well, we definitely aren’t your parents!” Neku recoils at that, and she sighs. “Sorry, that was ….”

“My parents are shit,” Neku replies, and it’s a weight off his chest to admit it. He knows he ought to respect them, but … he’s happier alone, and he’ll work something out eventually. “I think I get what you mean, though.” He might have a bit of a problem with authority. He can tell that much.

And Shiki shakes her head, rubbing at her temples in frustration. “I kept feeling like I had to check on you, Neku, and it sucked,” she admits. “I _still_ feel a bit like that – I don’t think it’s a good idea to become a reaper, you know – but at least you’re **talking** to me now, and do you know how scary that was? Not knowing how deep in you were?”

His face falls. “I didn’t want to worry you,” he says defensively, but that’s an excuse and he knows it. “I’m sorry,” he adds, and he closes his mouth before he can dig himself deeper.

She doesn’t press the issue, though, and he’s grateful: they both know he’d just made her worry more. Instead, she asks him a bit about his plans – his _school_ plans, that is – and they vent a bit about their respective work schedules.

It’s not great, and he’d be lying if he tried to tell himself they’re okay now, but it’s progress. He won’t feel too bad if he lets the friendship go; it sucks, but he’s made some of it as right as he can, and he’d hardly be the first person to lose touch with his friends from high school. 

It’ll be okay whatever happens, and it’s that more than whatever they chat about that has him leave the conversation with a smile on his face.

Now he just has to make up with Beat, and he’ll be … he’ll be free to do whatever he wants without regrets.

* * *

He leaves that for another day, though, instead making his way back to Joshua’s place like a zombie, and rinsing off before collapsing onto his new bed. Talking to Shiki took more out of him than he thought it did, and right now all he wants to do is relax.

Suspiciously, he rolls over and checks the sheets. Oh, good, these are plain and blue, and there’s a note next to his pillow.

> These are for you, but you might want to pick up a second set just in case. I only needed to ensure Coco won’t shoot either of us in our sleep.

Heh.

He really does have a place here, doesn’t he, and even knowing how much shit Joshua’s done doesn’t knock the grin off his face. It’s good to feel wanted, and Joshua’s providing him with a quiet room of his own, away from all his worldly concerns. Just him, Joshua, and his art. It’s addictive, and he understands with a sigh why Joshua won’t let him stay here, no matter how depressed he gets.

It’s not real, or not real enough. Joshua’s work matters, but university does, too, and Neku resolves to learn more people’s names. Maybe he does still get more than a bit hidebound, given the chance, and Joshua makes it so easy.

A knock on the door, and Neku sits up. “Come in!” he calls, uncomfortable claiming this room as his own, no matter that it _is,_ now, and Joshua opens the door, both his hands occupied with a tea service.

“I’m proud of you,” he says briskly, conjuring a chair and table to sit near him. “Coming clean to those who’ll be disappointed in you is no small feat, and you did well in it.”

“I should’ve done it earlier,” he says back, and even if it’s true, Joshua makes no move to agree, instead pouring them both cups. They sit in awkward silence for a moment, before Joshua sips his cup and urges Neku to do the same, and … it is what it is.

“You should rest up,” Joshua says suddenly, no matter that Neku’s _been_ resting. “I would appreciate it if you talked to Mr H when you have the time; he worries, you know.”

What does Neku care? The man’s a nasty piece of work, no matter that Joshua likes him, and Neku half-expects Joshua to extricate himself from his spot at the edge of Neku’s consciousness, but he doesn’t. “I don’t have anything to say to him,” Neku says firmly, but Joshua closes his eyes and something about his benevolent smile gives Neku the heebie-jeebies.

“He isn’t a monster, you know,” Joshua says, and Neku nearly thinks something he’ll regret. Joshua doesn’t care, though, and continues: “He isn’t human and his sort aren’t built for human relationships. That doesn’t make him loathsome, merely – trustworthy _to a **point.**_ ”

Not unlike Joshua himself, but at least Neku knows what long game he’s playing. He thinks he does, anyway; he has to know, or else he’s making as big of a mistake as his other friends think. “What point is that?” he says warily, and Joshua chuckles.

“Shibuya,” and isn’t that always the answer. Neku furrows his brow at that, but Joshua gestures broadly, not done talking. “Most angels are retired composers, Neku,” he explains. “Sanae can no more act against his district than I can, but _I_ still have some natural understanding of individuality. Angels **don’t,** from what I understand; all people are equally important, and so they’re all equally dispensable. Usually, they’re simply a reliable neutral party.”

“Mr H isn’t neutral,” he says, not willing to examine most of that, and Joshua sips his tea.

“He isn’t,” Joshua agrees. “He’s much too devoted to me for his own good. That’s why the Higher Plane doesn’t like him, you know: he created Taboo Noise to prove a point to **me.** … He’s a good friend.”

And Joshua seems to believe it, is the thing. “He tried to kill you,” he states, looking away and at that mural. Shibuya, and all it stands for; it’s beautiful, but right now Neku wishes it were anything else. “He hurt a lot of people, all because –”

“Because I betrayed him,” Joshua says simply. “He felt I wasn’t trusting my partner in ignoring his opinion, and so he betrayed _me,_ too. It wasn’t right, but he’s already being punished, Neku: let it go.”

How is Neku supposed to let it go when – his stomach flips, uncomfortably aware of how Shiki has to feel about Joshua. “I know you think you know the guy,” he says, feeling it out as he goes, “but he’s hurt me pretty badly, too, in his attempts to get something through to you. I don’t trust him.”

“You don’t have to.” He sips his tea and stands up, glancing towards the door. “Respect that I do, however, and treat him as best as you are able.”

Fuck that, is Neku’s first thought, and again as he lets that sink in. Neku doesn’t want to just – to just _ignore_ that Hanekoma’s done a lot of shit, but he wouldn’t be ignoring it, would he. He’s just making nice for Joshua’s sake, so he’ll be there if Hanekoma pulls anything. “… Right,” he says, and Joshua inclines his head.

“Don’t be surprised if he’s over for breakfast tomorrow, then,” he says, and Neku jerks. Fuck, he didn’t want – “I’d like for you two to clear the air, as much as you’re willing. I don’t expect you to like him after that, but he has no intentions to harm either of us and your living friends are utterly safe from his machinations. He’s not a monster, you know.”

Doesn’t mean Neku likes the idea any more, though. “Okay,” he says, a bit begrudging, and Joshua smiles, not mocking but it sure feels like it. “Will you warn me first?”

“Of course.” He gets up to leave, then, and Neku doesn’t know if he wants him out or if he wants to make Joshua **knows** Neku’s more important. It isn’t a good thought, Neku knows, but he’s not going to force the issue and right now he cares more about assuaging his insecurities than thinking the ‘right’ thing.

Joshua says nothing, though, merely pausing at the door to look at him, and it’s up to Neku to say it: “Hey, you mind staying with me?”

“I have work to do,” Joshua says, but he comes back anyway, flopping down onto the small bed and taking up all the space. “I can’t devote you my full attention right now, I’m afraid.”

“Do you ever?” he says rhetorically, and he twines his fingers in Joshua’s hair. “I talked to Shiki,” he adds, and Joshua slides up, letting Neku have most of his bed back. “I think it went okay.”

“‘m proud of you,” he mumbles, and Neku snaps to look at him. His face is pained, and Neku worries what he’s done wrong, before Joshua’s forehead clears and he cracks his eyes open. “Difficult tangle,” he explains. “You did well, Neku. I’m simply often not fit for company.”

Is he ever? Neku doesn’t say that, though, since he doesn’t want Joshua to take it the wrong way, but Joshua sighs regardless and Neku massages his scalp, amused as Joshua pushes into it comfortably. “What are you doing?” Neku asks, vaguely curious. 

“Composing, of course,” he says, and Neku flicks his forehead. “I was trying to avert a car accident, actually, or at least minimize damage; it’s hard for me to force anything life-changing. Your trash is easy – you’d throw it away on your own, so I can simply make that have already happened – but when there are actual consequences ….”

“Shit, are they okay?” he blurts out, realizing only afterward that Joshua’s seen dozens of these, doesn’t think they’re remarkable.

And Joshua chuckles, stretching languidly. “It’s good that you care,” he says, “but regardless of the answer, there’s nothing you can do about it and it’s a common enough occurrence both ways. Does it benefit you to know whether this time, I could alter someone’s fate?”

“I like knowing,” he says honestly. “You don’t have to tell me, though.”

“Good,” he says with evident satisfaction, and Neku scowls. Even knowing he’s not a bad person doesn’t make his callousness any more palatable – “To be honest, I have no idea. I can weight possible futures in my favor, but I still don’t know until it happens.”

So someone may or may not die, regardless of Joshua’s actions. Great. He pulls his knees to his chest, uncomfortable in a way he’d rather not be, and even knowing Joshua is trying to help them doesn’t make Neku feel less responsible. “How do you stand it?” Neku can’t picture it, can’t picture knowing all these lives are on his shoulders, and he’s going to be the _conductor_ someday. It’ll be his job to direct the reapers, and that means … people will die. They’ll die no matter what, but ….

“I don’t really care,” Joshua murmurs, and Neku snaps up. “You may have realized. Individual people – they’re interesting enough, I suppose, but even when they’ve been Shibuya’s their whole life, it doesn’t matter to me when they’re erased. It’s simply what happens.”

It’s not a surprise to him, but he looks up at the ceiling and lets out a long sigh regardless. Wish he had the skylight over his bed, instead of over where the previous occupant had his desk, and it occurs to him that he could ask, if he wanted. This is his room now, and he has some nasty shoes to fill. “I don’t want to stop caring,” he says, and Joshua hums acknowledgement. “I worked so hard to get to this point, and I’m – I won’t give it up.”

“Good,” Joshua states, and Neku smiles at him. “You balance me, as you are now, and I don’t want to lose that, Neku. Can you trust me, even knowing I’ve no intention of sharing any of the gritty details of this life with you?”

He already does. “You answer questions now, so we’re already better off than we’d been,” he says, and Joshua furrows his brow. “ _Yes,_ you stubborn nitwit; of course I trust you.”

“All I needed to know,” he murmurs, and he slides close to Neku, his sharp angles blending seamlessly next to Neku’s larger figure, and Neku can relax, too. He hates feeling lied to, but Joshua doesn’t want to lie; he just doesn’t want Neku to harden himself again, and Neku can respect that.

He feels Joshua’s hands ghosting up his sides without regard for fabric, and he laughs, not so much tickled as relieved. Never any telling whether they can talk without a fight, but they did this time, and Joshua’s content, too, no matter what he’s been doing. Something involved, he suspects: Joshua stills and fades, barely visible, and Neku groans at the sensation of touch where there shouldn’t be anything. He jerks, glancing down, and Joshua’s fingers are going _through_ him, even as he’s absently careful not to hurt him.

“I hope you’re paying attention,” Neku says softly, and Joshua stiffens, his hands back where they belong, and Neku’s almost disappointed. He doesn’t want Joshua to go through him while _distracted,_ but ….

“A bit risky,” he muses, “but I suppose ….” He trails off, his lips moving silently, and Neku winces. “Making sure I don’t hurt you,” he explains.

Always better to not die, Neku thinks, and Joshua snorts. “It’s really weird when you go through me like that,” he admits, “but it’s okay, Josh. Just weird.”

“Even this?” he asks, and Neku holds his breath as Joshua plunges one hand into his chest, no blood or pain or anything but a fundamental sense of **wrongness** as Neku looks down and Joshua’s wrist is just left of center. “I could stop it, you know.”

“Don’t,” he forces out, and Joshua pulls his hand back, a peculiar expression on his face. Nothing hurts and he’s fine, though, so Neku breathes slowly to get his chest to stop pounding and gives him a look, stern in a way that makes Neku feel alive. “That was my heart, yeah? Show me.”

And Joshua’s eyes widen a bit, not expecting him to call his bluff, but he sends the imprint anyway, _sharp nails going into the strong muscle hard enough to dent it, if Joshua’s control faltered, but he’s the composer and he’s untouchable, has to be. Neku is breathing and beautiful and his heart pounds with his own music, a natural rhythm adjusting to the tunes of life, and Joshua can crush it with a thought._

“Do it again,” Neku orders, and Joshua nods, fascinated by this side of him.

“Yes, sir,” he says, mocking, and he sticks his finger _through_ Neku, ever the lecturer. “Your diaphragm, dear, and I should _hope_ you know your lungs,” he says, and from his imprints, he’s tracing the edges of each of them only _Neku can’t sense it,_ Joshua so careful to stay tuned above his presence and not his sight. Hovering at the edge of the abyss, and in no way is this a good idea, but Neku has him point out and label his liver, his kidneys, his … well.

“Your hand’s in my pants,” Neku says casually, and Joshua quirks a smile. “You going to do anything about that?”

“Well, I could flick your tailbone,” he replies, and Neku sticks his tongue out, as Joshua takes his hands back and fades down to solidity, his fingers fumbling at Neku’s hemline as he pulls his shirt off, and Neku sits up enough to wiggle his pants off.

Joshua’s no good at working real clothes, and Neku feels too much urgency to wait for him. “This is my bed, yeah?” he says, mouth a bit dry, and Joshua slides back slightly. “Let’s break it in.”

He stretches languidly over the bed, eyes partly closed in some vain attempt at seduction. “If you insist,” he says, eyelids fluttering as he vanishes his clothes and turns the lights off, and Neku looks to the skylight for guidance. He’s such a fucking dweeb, but Neku turns back to him and Joshua’s beautiful, lit up by Shibuya’s nightlife like this, and Neku’s grudgingly impressed.

He should’ve gotten a bigger bed, but this is good, too. _Joshua_ is good, in his own prissy douchey way, and even if this isn’t the best decision Neku has ever made, he’s happy.

“How do you want me?” Joshua says, voice light, and Neku jerks out of his thoughts. “You’ll be back at school soon, you know.”

And he’s not exactly going to get laid _there,_ so he’d better take advantage of it now. “You on top of me,” he decides, and he pictures it carefully so Joshua can follow along. Neku watches in amusement as Joshua conjures some cushions for Neku to recline against lazily, and Neku helps by scrambling up them. He looks decadent, he knows, leaning back to survey his room and mural, and Neku almost wishes he had a massive window for the full effect.

That could come later, he supposes, and Joshua clambers onto him, his buttocks just barely brushing Neku’s cock with him sitting on him like this. Penetration isn’t really Joshua’s thing, but he can still ride Neku, and he rests his hands tantalizingly close to Neku’s ass. Neku feels himself breathing hard, even without Joshua actually _doing_ anything, but Joshua just gazes over Neku’s bare chest and up to his face, and Neku swallows in anticipation. “If you could see your face right now,” he says, trailing his chill fingers along Neku’s jaw, “you’d know why I must be the luckiest composer around. That focus, like I’m something to take apart, with that slight edge of hidden fear from you knowing _exactly_ who I am … you’re beautiful, Neku. I’d keep you, if I could.”

Neku’s no pet, though, and they both know it. Joshua’s fingers dig into Neku’s sides and he pushes up, as much for show as to move into Joshua’s false weight, and Joshua takes the chance to lean in and kiss him, his smile cold against Neku’s lips. He can’t quite get enough to breathe, Joshua’s presence heavy in a way he doesn’t understand, and Joshua’s fingers close on his neck as he effortlessly guides Neku through inhaling.

This shouldn’t be sexy – choking is **not** Neku’s thing – but Joshua’s thumb passes through his jaw to press on his tongue, and he shudders. “Josh,” he says, almost as a warning, and the culprit runs his fingers over his waist. “That’s too many hands.”

Joshua pulls back, his hands up like he couldn’t have done anything, but Neku feels him grope his ass and push his hair back and he’s _cheating,_ damn him. Neku doesn’t actually mind, but it’s the principle of the thing, and feeling Joshua’s delicate fingers caressing his shoulders as he returns to their kiss is – good, actually, and Joshua thrums with approval.

Neku takes his real hands on his own, but that doesn’t stop Joshua from claiming him all over, and he can spot territory marking when it’s happening to him. “Remember I actually need to _live_ elsewhere,” he warns shakily, and Joshua gives him a slow blink.

“The UG’ll cope, but I want you ringing of Shibuya even outside my range,” he says, and okay, that’s probably fine. “You can’t text me to show you remember, after all.”

Right, _anywhere_ else is unimaginably far for Joshua. He squeezes his hands as he nods agreement, and the creeping weight of Joshua’s psi’d knock him flat if he wasn’t already. It feels good, though, the pressure varying like he’s being touched all over, and it’s overwhelming. Joshua guides his hands to Joshua’s own waist and leans close, his ass pressing down on Neku’s cock, and it’s too much. 

Too much, too soon, and it all lightens up like it’d never been, Joshua sheepish as he shrugs in apology. “Just having a bit of fun before I returned your body to normal,” he explains. 

**_“Returned?”_** Neku accuses, and Joshua should know better than to do shit to him without asking! He pushes Joshua away, and the jerk just quirks an eyebrow like it’s Neku’s fault. 

“You wanted to fool around,” he says, petulant, “so I put you in stasis and pulled your soul out. Slightly dead’s better than all dead, and you didn’t even notice, did you? You’re alive again, by the by, but I was hardly going to risk repeating that debacle.”

And he says it like it’s completely logical! It probably _is,_ too, especially if you’re him, but Neku can’t exactly say he wanted Joshua to risk killing him while touching his organs, either. It makes sense, but he’s still an asshole, and Neku pulls him back, shoving Joshua’s face to his chest and holding him there. He needs _some_ kind of punishment, after all, and a noogie while he can’t see Neku’s face properly is as good as any. 

“Ungrateful brat,” Joshua mutters, licking him, and Neku shudders without letting him go. He’ll be as ungrateful as he pleases, thank you, and Joshua’ll just have to deal. 

“You have a job to do,” Neku says back, and Joshua hums as he passes through Neku’s arms to sit back up. 

“I do, don’t I,” he muses, and for a moment, Neku thinks he’ll leave. But the moment passes and Joshua bucks back against Neku’s cock, making him jump, and Joshua pulls him into an embrace. “Keeping you healthy and functional _is_ one of my jobs, conductor,” he says, running his fingers behind Neku’s ear, and _augh,_ cheating third hand grabbing his ass again. Show off.

Joshua snaps his fingers and Neku watches as he conjures a bottle of lube and opens it, floating a glob each to Neku’s cock and Joshua’s ass all without moving a muscle, and he snorts in disbelief. Lazy ass, he thinks, and Joshua presses back against him with enough pressure he briefly wonders if Joshua’s okaying anal after all. “No,” Joshua says, voice clipped. “Neku, that act does very little for me, and you’ll accept that or enjoy your bed without me in it.”

“Okay, okay! Sheesh,” but that seems to have been good enough for him, and Neku lets out a moan as Joshua’s now-slick hands caress his cock and – okay, he should’ve expected the finger in his ass, but he cants up regardless, nearly displacing Joshua. “I’m not gonna last long,” he warns, but Joshua just gives him a look like it’s silly to expect him to care.

“It doesn’t matter; I don’t orgasm like you do.” He could be nicer about it, but so long as he’s not disappointed, Neku supposes, and he watches in interest as Joshua lifts himself up and moves back just enough for Neku’s cock to rub against his own. Joshua takes them both in spectral hand, and Neku’s mouth goes dry as Joshua works them, still riding him and having Neku rub against his sack more than anything else. 

Neku comes first, as he thought he would, Joshua pulling his thighs together to help him through it, but he expects to feel them stickier and it doesn’t come. “Did you want this?” Joshua drawls, having floated it through himself to show Neku, and Neku laughs, shaking his head. “I thought not,” and he vanishes it, pulling himself off Neku to look him over, satisfied. 

“I want you to come, too,” Neku corrects, and Joshua shrugs, though he definitely doesn’t object as Neku takes his cock in hand and pumps it, eyeing it and the bed critically. They really should mark it to break it in properly, and Neku finds himself mouthing _come for me_ as Joshua rolls his eyes and does. “Now there’s a wet spot,” he complains, and Joshua throws his arms up in the air, turning like he’s going to leave.

“That was **your idea!** ” he squawks. “ _I_ like things **clean,** and keeping all of your weird bodily fluids _away_ from where they might make a mess, but do I get thanked for it? **_No!_** Why does this always –”

“Joshua,” Neku interrupts, trying not to laugh. “I was joking. Come back to bed.”

He snorts, and for a moment Neku thinks he might actually have offended him. “If you insist,” he snaps, and Neku’s still snickering as he climbs back on, inelegant as he tries to spoon Neku, their heights as they are, but he takes a deep inhale of Neku’s hair as he pushes himself close, and Neku thinks they might both be content. 

Even if Joshua _is_ still sulking.

* * *

Joshua’s gone by the time Neku wakes up again, which is no surprise. He doesn’t stay the whole night even when it’s _his own bed;_ him leaving Neku’s was a given.

Neku notices, though, that he’d cleaned up the sheets and left a note this time: `Your room is protected against my own frequency, so I left once I was sure I wouldn't wake you. Knock on my door if you need me.`

Huh. So he actually left this time, rather than just invisible? It doesn’t make a huge difference to Neku, but he shrugs anyway. At least he already knew he wouldn’t be waking up tangled in him: that’s just not how Joshua rolls, even if Neku prefers things that way. He can sleep in his own room, or he can have Joshua downtune once he notices Neku’s awake, but … some things just won’t happen. 

He already knew this wouldn’t be a normal relationship, and he sighs and gets ready for the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soft guro, and, like, fluffy body horror? Or something?
> 
> I finished writing the epilogue/mini-sequel today, so if you're just tracking this fic and not the whole series, maybe track the series, too? (Or my fic overall, but I'm a multifandom traitor when I don't have a Project to be working on.) It'll be a while before the actual next JoshNeku fic in this series is finished and I start posting that, but hey, there'll be 15k of Beat pov after this fic's complete to tide you over. :) Currently the next JoshNeku's at 16k and I have no clue what final wordcount'll be like, though I'm thinking of splitting it into two fics. We'll see!


	31. Chapter 31

He doesn’t bother picking out an outfit after his shower, and so it’s in his pyjamas and house slippers that he walks into the lounge, eyes still sticky from sleep. “Morning,” he mumbles, and Joshua grunts acknowledgement from the couch.

Curious, Neku grabs some juice and checks on him, and fuck, is that every magazine in Shibuya? Seems like, and Joshua looks half-asleep himself, buried under the pile as he is. “I hate politics,” he grumbles, but it’s the long-suffering sigh of someone who’s been following the news religiously, and Neku laughs. “I need a real coffee and no moral quandaries for at _least_ an hour.”

“Did the poor baby stay up too late?” Neku says, schadenfreude filling him with more energy than he thought possible, but Joshua takes over his muscles enough to march him to the kitchen, stiffer than Neku ever moves on his own.

“Your composer needs coffee,” Joshua calls. “Either you do it or I call in Sanae, but I have **needs,** Neku, and right now they’re either coffee or assassinations.”

“ _Somebody_ got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning,” he replies, not really that bothered, and at least the machine’s easy enough to use. “It’ll be ready in a bit,” he adds, heading over to the couch himself, and Joshua whimpers when Neku taps on one of his magazines and newspapers. “What’s up?”

A shrug, and Neku digs him out, pitying. “Oh, the usual: the tabloids keep being wrong, the city council can’t be trusted to tie their own shoelaces, and _I_ need to discuss some of the Tokyo-wide plans with the other composers, and they’re terrible,” he says, but complaining seems to have cheered him up. Either that, or the coffee aroma pervading the room, and Neku pats him, not really sympathetic. Joshua smiles at him anyway, though, and asks, “Did you sleep all right?”

“Yeah,” he says easily, and he tries shoving some of the books and papers aside. Joshua whistles sharply when he realizes, making sure Neku didn’t crease any, and they all stack themselves on the table, letting Neku sit down. “You could’ve warned me you can’t sleep in my room, though,” he adds, and Joshua groans like _Neku_ is the problem. “I don’t really care either way, but if something’s an issue, you can tell me, you know.”

“I was content only waiting for you to sleep peacefully,” he replies, rubbing his elbow, and the gesture looks somewhat odd on him. “You’re very loud when you sleep, you know. – Oh, not physically, but living people have all sorts of mental processes and I don’t think I’ll ever be used to the feel of yours.”

Joshua listens to him sleep? Neku isn’t really surprised, but it is weird to think about, especially when he considers some of the dreams he’s had. “Do you listen to the details?” he asks, more harshly than he intended. Neku’d never been able to understand the few dreams he’d scanned, but Joshua has a **lot** more skill, and the thought is uncomfortable in a way Neku doesn’t like.

“As ever, _no,_ Neku,” he lilts, and Neku suspects he might be trying his patience. “Dreams aren’t generally coherent enough for someone else to understand with any accuracy, and I care much more that you _can_ dream near me than whatever you may dream about. Kindly give me the benefit of the doubt at least a _little,_ would you?”

“Sorry,” he says, though he doesn’t regret checking. Especially not when he remembers himself how easy it is to dig deeper than he’d like.

But Joshua has slightly more experience and control than Neku does, and Joshua chuckles. “I’ll finish the coffee,” he says suddenly, and Neku watches him vanish and reappear in the kitchen. He keeps watching him with interest, unsurprised when Joshua hums and pulls out some of the fruit Neku had bought and daintily slices it up.

He takes the time to walk back, and if Neku had held a grudge about his earlier demands, this would’ve earned his forgiveness. “Thanks,” Neku says, eyeing the simple breakfast platter, and Joshua raises his eyebrows, taking his own coffee in hand as he sits down next to him.

“There’s more coffee in the pot, and help yourself to that; there’s no point in me eating it.” Neku gives him a look – it’s not like that’s stopped him before – and Joshua crinkles his nose. “I’m a city composer, Neku; we don’t **do** fruit.”

Weird. “More for me,” he replies, and Joshua leans back, satisfied. They’re quiet as they eat, Joshua going through the news with growing dismay, and Neku tries to offer him a few pieces of melon to no avail. It’s not right to eat when the host won’t, but Joshua waves him off, reminding him Neku’s got a place of his own here.

Joshua could at least _pretend_ to be normal, Neku thinks, and it bothers him that he doesn’t always. It’s no surprise, but it finishes off what’s left of his appetite once he’s done with the platter. “I’m going to go get dressed,” he says, and Joshua glances up at him in acknowledgement. Neku doesn’t look at him back, though, and scurries off to his room.

* * *

It’d feel more like it _is_ his room if he could head back into the lounge without Joshua having already called Mr H over, though. For once, they’re not talking about him where he can hear: they’re just quietly drinking their coffee at the couch, and if Neku believes that, he’s got a bridge to buy.

Damn telepaths. “Morning, Neku,” Hanekoma says, friendly as ever, and Neku forces out a greeting in response. Joshua in return gestures for Neku to join him on the couch, and he might as well, he supposes.

Best to get this over with. “I think you got off on the wrong foot,” Joshua says delicately, which is a bit of an understatement. “Neku, when I wanted you to know some of the nature of our friendship, I hadn’t meant for you to see Sanae as his worst, as it were. Do you mind if he explains what his job _usually_ consists of?”

“Sure,” Neku says back, “but he’s still a fraud who sells other people’s work under his own label.” He expects to get some kind of rebuke for that – Joshua and Hanekoma are **close,** even if it pains him to think of it – but Joshua only exhales in what might be a laugh.

“I market some Players’ art, yeah,” Hanekoma acknowledges, “but the Misaki chica got her cut eventually, didn’t she? Maybe it ain’t the cleanest way to do it, but most Players don’t get up again, Phones: at least this way their life’s work gets to live on.”

“Without their names on it,” Neku bites, and Joshua’s quiet, which is funny, because if he thought _anyone_ would have thoughts on art theft, it’d be the prim and proper composer. But no, it’s down to Neku to say it. Figures.

“I say I found it, and I did,” Hanekoma says easily, and could he at least have a trace of shame? “You think it’d be better if everyone’s art went off into the aether just because they died and nobody knew what to do with it, Phones? Have some perspective, why don’t you –”

“Sanae,” Joshua says quietly, and whatever Neku was going to snap back dies on his tongue. “Neku, the Gatito label is partially under _your_ control, as my conductor. We can sort this out later in a way we’ll all be satisfied, and you can even have the Players sign waivers if it would assuage your conscience. Megumi liked this approach; if you want people to die in obscurity if they so desire, we can do that, too. Debate ethics **in your own time,** thank you.”

It’s all related, though, Neku thinks, and Joshua squeezes Neku’s knee. It _is,_ but okay, maybe this isn’t the time. “Are you really going to die soon?” Neku blurts out, and Hanekoma freezes. “Josh said you’re in trouble.”

Hanekoma swallows, and Neku sneaks his arm around Joshua’s waist, sure he could use it. “Depends what you mean by soon,” he says eventually, and Neku has _no idea_ what to do with this. “I ain’t gonna be erased while Josh has use of me, but past that? I’m not gonna plan my fifth centennial birthday party, that’s for dang sure. But that’s not that big of a deal, and I don’t want you _or_ Josh worrying about it when I’ve already got longer than most folks ever do.”

Fuck, Mr H is _old,_ Neku thinks, and he has no idea how to feel about this. “No one’s immortal,” Joshua murmurs into his ear, but hearing that … Neku deeply doesn’t want to care that some people want Hanekoma dead for good and have the power to make it so, but he does. He really fucking does, and he doesn’t have the _faintest idea_ how any of these people take murder in stride.

The UG is **_so_** fucked up, and Mr H’s face softens. “You’re a good kid, Neku,” he says, and Neku thinks he means it. “Most of us in the UG, things have already gone to shit by the time any of us die by natural causes, so yeah, we don’t care too much if somebody has to take us down. That’s a bit of perspective you’re going to need if you become Josh’s conductor, but don’t you for a second think it’s bad you’re soft on us, Phones. You’re gonna need _both_ of that if you’re going to be much good balancing him, but we’ll be with you every step of the way.” Whether Neku likes it or not.

He doesn’t trust Hanekoma, and he doesn’t think he ever will again. Not like he does with Joshua, or like Joshua does with Mr H, where they know they’ll do whatever the hell they want if they have a good enough excuse for it. Even with that, though, Neku thinks Joshua might really be a good person, or at least not a bad one, while Hanekoma might not even be a person at all. “Am I just a tool to you?” he says suddenly, and Joshua stiffens.

“Neku,” he says quietly, but Neku wants to hear what _Hanekoma_ has to say for himself. Does he even care about Neku at all? What about Joshua? Does Hanekoma have a fucking _scrap_ of concern for anyone other than himself? Neku remembers what Joshua’d said last night, and it sure doesn’t seem like _Joshua_ thinks so.

And Hanekoma’s looking at him, gaze penetrating over his sunglasses, and Neku fucking knows the bastard’s reading his mind. “There are reasons the Producer’s forbidden to reveal their existence to anyone,” he says finally. “I ain’t that out of the ordinary for an Angel, though I’d like to think I do better than a lot of those bureaucratic dipshits who think the music of the spheres gets deducted on your taxes, but none of us are that normal by human standards and we ain’t even particularly tolerable to reapers. We’re here for the composers and that’s about it.”

“Sanae’s a good friend,” Joshua says softly. “No reaper understands the City, Neku. Sanae does, and more.”

“Everything about our relationship is out of the ordinary, Phones,” he says frankly, and Neku looks away. “Most conductors never learn about there being anyone higher than composers, and they _definitely_ don’t while they’re alive. That ain’t because we’re shifty; that’s because we ain’t at all like you, and just because we were once doesn’t mean we can fake it for long. We let the composers know they can Compose without losing themselves, and we make sure they keep the Game running. That’s what we’re here for.”

Sounds like a shit job to Neku, but it’s not his problem. Shibuya – the one in Joshua’s head, he means, not the city, though he supposes that **is** the City – was fucking terrifying, what little Neku’s heard of it, and that Hanekoma’s like that even more than Joshua … it’s scary, and Neku doesn’t like it. 

It’s not his _job_ to like it, he reminds himself, and Joshua lights up in the corner of his eye. “Truce?” Neku says, offering his hand, and Hanekoma takes it.

“Truce.”

* * *

The rest of Hanekoma’s visit is a bit of a blur, Joshua taking Hanekoma aside to talk to him about coffee, and Neku lets himself relax on the couch. Hanekoma doesn’t leave after that, though, settling back in to gossip about whatever Joshua had read that morning, and there’s a weird sense of camaraderie about it. He can get used to this, he thinks.

Joshua even does Neku the favor of turning aside at parts to explain some of the context he’d missed, and it’s nice. Joshua and Hanekoma are old friends, even older than Neku keeps assuming, but Neku’s invited to share in their friendship, and Joshua can get downright _chatty._

Neku sure wasn’t expecting them both to have deep and well-researched opinions on Eiji Ouji, though maybe he should have. Joshua sure took him and his fanbase very seriously back in the Game, and it’s funny to think that that’s actually his job. Murder and cheesy local celebrities, though Neku has to admit the Prince is a lot better of a person than he would have guessed, all those years ago.

God, has it really been years? Neku’s the youngest one there by a huge margin and even he’s starting to feel old now. They both tease him for that, and even as he’s loathe to admit it, it’s rightfully deserved.

Eighteen isn’t old, not by anyone’s standards, and Neku can’t even drink yet. He can give up his life to become a god, but he can’t drink. Even though he lives with a massive bar. Life is weird.

“You don’t need to hang around if you don’t want to,” Joshua says eventually, and Neku jerks up.

“I don’t mind.” He’ll have to get used to all of the gossip they’re talking about, anyway. “It’s not like I have anything better to do.”

Hanekoma leans forward, a conspiratorial smile on his face, and Neku stiffens a bit. “I got something,” he says. “You want to see my next mural?”

Neku’s got no idea how to answer that, all his old love for CAT resurfacing as the fact CAT’s a liar and a fraud hits him all over again, and – Joshua rescues him and he’s so, so grateful. “He’s confined to the RG, Sanae. People will notice if you rope him into your projects.”

But Hanekoma merely stretches, totally nonchalant, and Neku kind of hates him. “I’ve been putting up _don’t notice me_ imprints since before you were born, Josh. He can help me out in broad daylight if he wants.”

“A soul of Neku’s caliber won’t be hidden by anyone looking for CAT,” Joshua snaps, and Neku’s spine runs cold. _What?_ “I’ve got too much planned for him to take up your mantle, Sanae, especially if you want him alone for it.”

“Hold up,” Neku says. “Say what now?”

“I ain’t doing anything,” Hanekoma says back, but Joshua rolls his eyes and he’s not fooling anybody. “Your composer’s too suspicious for his own good, Phones, and he’s got a bee in his _frilly lace bonnet_ about me being anywhere near his pet conductor. That’s all it is, and you shouldn’t pay him too much attention.”

“Do you want this to be a fight?” Joshua says, voice clipped, and Neku watches in fascination as they both stand up. “We can make this a fight.”

“I think you already did!”

“Guys?” Neku says, bemused. “Break it up.” Like _he’s_ supposed to be the peacekeeper here; Neku doesn’t even like the guy! But this is ridiculous and they’re glaring at each other like they’re _twelve,_ honestly, but they both glance at Neku like they forgot he’s there and sheepishly sit back down.

Or Joshua’s sheepish, anyway; Hanekoma’s nonchalant as ever, and Joshua sends him an image of a lion licking his paws. “That was uncalled for,” Joshua admits, “though I note you didn’t deny it, Sanae.”

“I didn’t deny it because it would be fucking _stupid,_ ” he says, leaning back and rubbing his forehead. “The hell do you think I am, picking the kid as my successor without telling him about it? I got _no reason,_ and you know that, J.”

“No,” Joshua admits, “no, that sounds more like me. I apologize.”

“Accepted,” he says, voice flat, and now that Neku’s sure they’re not going to attack each other again, it’s his turn to be pissed.

“Are you done talking like I’m not even here?” he says, and neither of them have the grace to look caught.

No, Joshua just looks at him mildly over his coffee cup. “Of course we remembered you’re here, Neku,” he says. “If we didn’t, we’d’ve carried out our fight on my natural frequency, and you’d not have heard a word of it. Would you like to get a dig in on me as well, while we’re at it?”

 ** _Asshole,_** Neku thinks, and he’s sure Joshua feels like he was being perfectly considerate, too, rather than the condescending bastard he actually is. “How about you tell me what that was about,” he orders, and Joshua and Hanekoma look at each other, united in amusement at Neku’s naiveté, which is just **perfect.**

“We were fighting,” Hanekoma says, keen observer of the obvious that he is. 

“It was petty,” Joshua adds. “We do this constantly, however, and there’s no need for you to worry; Sanae’s completely correct that there’s no advantage for him to pass you off as CAT at this point in time, and it was rude of me to accuse him so.”

“Though he’d’ve been right a few years ago in worse circumstances,” Hanekoma admits, and Neku furrows his brow. “Not now, though, and probably not ever: you’re gonna be too big to fit in my shadow.” The compliment – sheer statement of fact – sticks in Neku’s mind and he nearly stops listening, though one of them imprints the rest to keep him current. “I’d just meant to show you my current project and let you help if you wanted, no strings. J worries too much.”

Fuck. Neku knows he’d’ve killed for that, back before he knew anything, and he might even mean that literally. CAT was his **life,** and turning that down would be – Neku can’t accept it, but he can’t say no, either. 

“Sanae,” Joshua says, voice soft but it carries, and Hanekoma stands up and steps back, passing _through_ the couch and leaving them both alone. “He doesn’t know how to make amends,” he tells Neku, “and I don’t know how to trust him anymore. I can keep him away from you, if you wish, but I’d wanted to see if you two can get along. I hadn’t realized my _own_ feelings, however: I don’t want you alone with him, Neku.”

Neku’s not sure he wants to be alone with him, either, and Joshua gives him a half-smile. “It’s okay,” he says, though it isn’t, and Joshua sends him a suggestion as he pulls Joshua’s head into his lap to play with his hair.

He hums softly in pleasure, and Neku snorts: he’s so demanding, even if he doesn’t want anything complicated. “None of us know what we’re doing,” he admits, and Neku pushes Joshua’s hair out of his face. “You and I fight a lot, Neku, but I’m always left with the impression we’re somewhere other than we started each time. Sanae and I, though … we’ve too much history, I suppose, and you’ll always be involved if you’re involved with me, do you realize? It won’t blow over and I’ll always pick you over him, but I can’t – Sanae’s important to me and we fight _constantly,_ Neku, and it’s always vicious. I don’t want to chase you off, but ….”

“You need to know I can handle it,” he finishes, and Joshua nods sharply. Neku takes a deep breath and exhales slowly, thinking it over. “Thank you for telling me,” he settles on, and even if it isn’t an answer, Joshua relaxes a bit, closing his eyes and basking in what attention Neku gives him. It’s often not that much, but right now Neku wishes he too could just melt into someone’s lap like nothing matters. 

Though he supposes Joshua’s faking it, as always, and Neku’s lip curls. “That I multitask doesn’t mean I’m faking,” Joshua grumbles, and Neku covers his mouth to keep him from talking. It doesn’t work, of course, Joshua simply speaking like he’s not even there: “Some of my consciousness goes to composing, but most of my personality follows my physical form, so you have as much of Yoshiya Kiryu as anyone ever could, I suppose.”

Part of him wonders how much that could possibly be, but that’s rude and he’s uncomfortable with the thought of Joshua hearing that. “Don’t censor yourself on my account,” Joshua says mildly, and Neku presses down on his face, bemused at the lack of cheekbones. “I hear _everyone,_ Neku; I’m hardly going to judge.”

Neku doesn’t care if he _judges;_ he just wants him to mind his own business! Joshua projects a flash of alarm, and Neku breathes out slowly, trying to calm back down. He’s not mad, really; Joshua hasn’t done anything wrong. “I don’t know what to do when you’re all tied up with me,” Neku admits, and for a moment he thinks Joshua might leave. “You don’t – I need space sometimes, Josh.”

“As do I,” he says back, and he eases himself out from under Neku’s hands and stands up. “Regardless of how well you can tolerate me and Sanae’s constant bickering, I don’t think sharing a flat with me helps.”

It’s only been a few days, though. “You’re kicking me out?” Neku says blankly, not sure how to react to that.

“No, of course not,” Joshua replies, disdainful, and Neku forces himself to breathe again. God, what – “That room is yours for as long as you’d like, but this is my _home,_ Neku. I know every single thing that happens here, and staying out of your mind’s worse than avoiding cracks in the sidewalk. I can _do_ it, but after a day or two, it’s easier if one of us isn’t here. Overnight is fine, but a week is stretching it and I’d be grateful if you could arrange something else for the next time you’re on break and returning to Shibuya.”

So he _is_ getting kicked out, just not immediately. “Where am I supposed to go, then?” he snaps, because it’s not like staying with his family is any real option, not when he’s got alternatives. He’d take the sewer over _that;_ Josh has his problems, but Neku has never felt like he’d wreck his stuff just to show he can. Kill Neku, yes, but not keep him from caring about anything in fear of the consequences.

“I’d move in with Hanekoma before making you return home,” Joshua says, matter-of-fact, and Neku curls his lip. “We may fight incessantly, but Sanae and I know where we stand and we can both keep anything we want private away from a surface scan. No, I’d like to suggest that as Shibuya’s conductor, you can – entirely accurately – put rent on an expense report and we’ll finagle it somehow. Share with a friend, if you need to, and keep in mind that you can keep whatever you’d like here, so long as you have a place of your own for when you want privacy.”

He sounds so reasonable about it, too, and Neku hates it. He doesn’t want to have to think about things like where he’ll live, or where rent will come from with his fucking art degree; he wants things to be _easy_ and he hates that they aren’t, sometimes. He’s too young to have to deal with this. “I don’t want charity,” Neku states, and Joshua softens.

“It isn’t,” he says simply, pushing his hair back, and he looks like he might be laughing at himself. “You’re my conductor, Neku; your job is to keep me functioning so I can run Shibuya, and it’s easier for you to do that if you can afford to live here on your own without clashing with me all the time over trivialities.”

Mind reading isn’t trivial, but Neku gets what he’s saying. He still doesn’t like it, and it’s not _fair_ that he can get these things just from who he’s friends with, but he does get it. “I don’t actually work for you, you know,” he informs him, and Joshua sits back down across from him.

“You remind me I was human once, and give me the patience to deal with their frailties,” he says, mild as the god he is. “That’s a job in its own, and any time you’re willing to take more of my duties upon yourself, I’d be happy to oblige. You’re my friend, Neku, but I need a conductor more than that, and I need one I trust implicitly if I have any intention of keeping my position.”

Ugh. Being someone’s friend shouldn’t be a _job description,_ and Neku hates the idea he’d be paid for it. Even if Joshua’ll take up all his time if he gets the chance, and Neku makes a face. “I know Mr H was being a dick, but _am_ I a pet to you?” You don’t fuck pets, but Neku knows Joshua’s got a different view of sex than he does: for all he knows, Joshua doesn’t need to see somebody as an equal to bang them, and that’s … uncomfortable.

“I respect you,” Joshua says, after a moment. “He’s not right, Neku, but … he isn’t wrong, either. I’ve been alone too long, I suppose.”

Not a denial, and Neku’s skin crawls. Joshua means well, he’s sure, and he _is_ trying, but … Neku doesn’t want to be pampered like some kind of kept boy, and paying his rent is a bit far. “Josh,” he warns.

“Not even as a direct exchange of services? I’ll work you hard if I get the chance, you know: there’s no risk of me taking it easy on you simply because I want to give you something.”

Yeah, that’s the problem. Neku doesn’t want to owe _anyone,_ and Joshua can be a total bastard if he wants to be. He’s had too many strings already, and Joshua rubs his face. 

“I’m coming at this the wrong way,” he admits. “Neku, I have no intention whatsoever of using this as leverage. But if you _do_ decide to move back to Shibuya, you have the right to use our UG’s resources as you see fit. Most reapers don’t have the time to hold down a steady job, you know; you wouldn’t be the first to have your living expenses accounted for. You’ll repay it later, after all.”

“Not anytime soon, I won’t,” he mutters, “and I _still_ don’t actually work for you. I’ll keep it in mind, but don’t get your hopes up.”

“So long as you know,” Joshua concedes, and Neku leans back, trying to relax. Joshua should be _away_ from all these concerns, and it bothers Neku that he isn’t. “I’m very proud of you,” he adds, but Neku didn’t even _do anything._

Joshua is unconcerned, though, watching him with a faint smile on his face, and Neku laughs it off. Joshua likes him being _here,_ and Neku’s all right with that, mostly. “Yeah, yeah,” he says. “Bet you think that about everyone.”

“Only the ones who deserve it,” he says back, miffed. “I’m proud of all my Game winners, but I suspect I’ll see great things from you, Neku. You’ve come a long way since we met.”

He snorts. “What, when you shot me?” he says, and Joshua’s face scrunches up like he’s licked ice cream. It’s _true,_ and maybe it’s a bit mean, but Neku’s going to beat that dead horse until it gets up again. “You’ve changed a lot, too.”

“In a good way, I hope.”

“Yeah, I think so,” Neku says, and even if he’s said it before, he feels the edges of Joshua’s relief. Joshua stops projecting the moment he notices, but that doesn’t stop Neku from raising a brow at him. “Does the mighty composer need my approval?” he jokes, and Joshua pushes his hair back.

“Don’t fish for compliments,” he chides. “I value your opinion, Neku; you already know that.”

It’s nice to hear, though, and Joshua fades away on the other couch, only to reappear next to him, his hand on the small of Neku’s back. He’s cautious about it, though, Neku sensing his presence before he’s actually there, and Neku turns and leans down to kiss him. He’s cold, as he often is, but Neku opens his mouth to tongue at his lips and Joshua chuckles and pulls him down, his other arm sneaking around Neku’s shoulders. The back of Neku’s neck prickles with cold and anticipation from the contact, and Joshua hums, pulling enough power into it that Neku’s lips sting. Neku hisses in pain, more of a warning than anything else, and Joshua kisses back just long enough to register before pulling away.

“You’ll tell me if there’s anything I can help with?” Joshua says, his face still close to Neku’s, and Neku nods uncertainly. “ _Very_ good,” and he kisses him again, soothingly cool on the burns that he himself inflicted. Minor details, Joshua informs him, and Neku shakes his head slightly. Joshua’s breath tastes of the Shibuya air, and even if it’s not exactly pleasant, Neku laughs into the kiss. 

“Show off,” he says, pulling away, and Joshua gives him a look. “You only smell like the city to prove a point, don’t you.”

A snort, and the scent of bay air wafts in, crinkling Neku’s nose. “It’s more enjoyable if you’re thinking about me _and_ my district,” he claims without shame. “Shibuya likes you, and the more you associate me with my city, the more Shibuya’ll approve of our relationship. I might train you into associating me with my neighborhoods, just in case.”

Ugh, no. “That’s not gonna happen, Josh, because _I’m_ not an embarrassment who’d fuck a town.”

“No, you’d only grope the composer,” he concedes, and Neku winces. Yeah, he did try that, didn’t he. “You shouldn’t do that while I’m the city, dear, unless you _want_ Shibuya to expect me to share you.”

How would that even work? Neku almost actually asks, but Joshua raises his eyebrow and … oh. “And so, you smell funky,” Neku concludes, and Joshua nods. “Smog isn’t exactly appealing, just so you know.”

Joshua’s face goes flat, and Neku scoots away. Right, don’t _actually_ antagonize him – “I’ll thank you to not imply any part of my city is _flawed,_ dear conductor, unless you have something far more vital to say than this,” he says, voice clipped, and Neku winces in apology. “We tend to be … touchy.”

“Sorry,” Neku says honestly, and Joshua nods once. Pissing off that alien intelligence was **not** his plan, but Joshua sends a light breeze to ruffle his hair and he relaxes a little.

“No harm done,” he says softly. “Remember in the future that Shibuya, too, has feelings, and we’ll be even.”

Neku’s life went bizarre somewhere if he’s taking shit like this in stride, but he just flops onto Joshua’s lap and lets him fiddle with his hair. His life went weird a long time ago, he supposes, probably when he was shot the first time. 

He doesn’t mind it anymore, even if he’s never going to forget it, and Joshua doesn’t pause in petting him when the thought comes up. They’re both moving forward, and Neku’s not going to drag him back with a fight as pointless as that. 

“Shibuya and I won’t hurt you, you know,” he adds, and Neku has no idea what to do with that. “We have a temper, and some respect for it is only healthy, but you’ll _never_ be an appropriate outlet for it, do you understand? The posturing is only that: posturing. It won’t happen. Ever.”

He breathes in deeply, letting that sink in, then releases it. Part of him wants to insist that of _course_ he’s not scared of him, or that there’s no way to know Joshua means it, but yeah, okay. He’s upset Joshua before – sometimes **badly,** and he still remembers throwing him out of his own house on their first date – and he’s never gone beyond intimidation. And maybe that’s a bit far already, but …. “I know,” he says honestly, and Joshua rests his head on his shoulder. Neku pulls him into a hug, and Joshua lets out a long sigh.

“I don’t know how to be – any of what you need, Neku,” he says, “but I’ll be here for as long as you have use of me. Now, you still have living friends you need to talk to, don’t you?”

“Yeah,” he mumbles, but he doesn’t really want to. Not now, anyway: they’re good people, and he’s … he’s a bit of a disappointment sometimes. “Is your offer only for if I’m living alone?” he asks, an idea forming in his head, and even if he doesn’t want charity … it’d be different if he’s sharing. 

Joshua lights up at that, and maybe Neku’ll consider it after all. “It’s for whatever your portion of rent inside Shibuya happens to be, Neku,” he assures him. “I’d prefer that your potential roommate intend on remaining local, however.”

Of course he would. Blah, blah, Shibuya, blah, blah, but Neku knows at least one person who has reasons not to live in a cheaper neighborhood. “Do you think,” he starts, and Joshua shrugs. 

“I can’t speak for Daisukenojo,” he says. “He’s not unlike most other Game winners, however, in wanting his distance from the supernatural, but as you would be getting a place **_away_** from my domain, that may not matter. You’d have to ask him.”

But that’s not happening until Neku’s talked to him, and they both know that. “What do I _say?_ ” He’s never had to deal with this before, and he doesn’t want to be dealing with it now. He doesn’t want to need a reconciliation, and he definitely doesn’t want to need it with one of his best friends, and Joshua massages his back.

“The truth,” he says easily, then adds: “but seeing as that by itself has never convinced anyone, let’s discuss _framing,_ shall we?”

“Yeah,” he agrees, and he can do this. It’s just talking to his friend.

It shouldn’t be too hard.


	32. Chapter 32

And it isn’t, at least with Joshua’s coaching. It’s not too long before he’s got a decent text written, letting Beat know he’s interested in hearing his concerns about the whole … job … thing, and no matter how it goes, he’s not going to bring it up again after that conversation. Beat’s less than thrilled, but he’s willing, and that’s the best they’re going to get.

Ugh. Neku doesn’t really want to do this, and Joshua’s smile’s more wooden than usual, but it needs to happen, Neku’s pretty sure. He doesn’t want to have _so you think I’m going to be a murderer_ as the elephant in the room.

“You don’t have to come with me,” Neku says as he pulls on his shoes. “Beat’s a good guy.”

“Daisukenojo fears my Megumi,” Joshua replies distantly, leading the way out the sewer and to the meeting spot near the Bitous’ place. “I … would rather he associate my UG with myself, or at least not a caricature of a man at his worst. It’s unfair to you and unfair to Megumi, that he thinks you would be the object of his nightmares.”

“Shades is dead,” Neku says back, and Joshua stiffens. “Josh, you don’t have to come, you know. You get all poetic when you’re nervous.”

He scoffs, though Neku notices he doesn’t deny it, and it doesn’t help the butterflies in Neku’s stomach to know he’s right on the mark. They’re quiet the rest of the way there, and Joshua hops up onto a ledge, acrobatic in a lazy sort of way. Telekinesis, Neku suspects, and Joshua shrugs slightly, like it’s absurd to think it’d be anything else.

“I’d rather he hate me than fear you, Neku,” Joshua says finally, and it takes Neku a second to remember the conversation. “It’d be best if he did neither, of course, but if I can _ever_ take the damage for you, I’d do so gladly. Too few people have protected you in life.”

“I don’t need protecting,” he says back, but Joshua just looks at him. “Maybe it’d be nice, sometimes, but Josh … Beat’s not a threat to me. I don’t need protection, not from him.”

“You’re right,” Joshua concedes, looking away. “He cares about you, deeply, but it’s – strange to me, that he can fear something I know with certainty **never** happens. There is not a single future where your personality is at all reminiscent of Megumi’s, Neku, not one, and absolutely not Daisukenojo’s bogeyman. It’s **_absurd._** ”

It’s also not the real problem, and Joshua doesn’t understand Beat if he doesn’t get that. “You can call him Beat,” he says instead. “It’s his name.”

“I’m not his friend,” he complains. “In his hearing, yes, his preference is paramount, but I’m not calling him a friendly nickname when we aren’t by any definitions friends. And referring to him as Bitou-kun would hardly win me any favors, either.”

Yeah, but at least he doesn’t loathe his family name – it’s not worth arguing about. Neku can’t see Joshua calling him Beat while he’s being all high and mighty, either. “It’s not his fault he hates Shades,” he adds. “You might not have been listening in at the time, but he was **really** nasty. Of course he’s worried about me.”

Joshua lowers his feet, his jaw tight. “Megumi was doing his best,” he snaps, and Neku stares at him in disbelief. “He did what he had to, because Shibuya is worth it, and no matter that his methods were – unconventional, he was playing against **me** and he needed every edge he could get, no matter the consequences. Can you honestly say there’s nothing you would sacrifice everything for, Neku? Can Daisukenojo?”

 _It’s just a city,_ he starts, then _it doesn’t matter,_ but nothing he could say would make a dent in Joshua’s beliefs, so instead he mutters, “It was wrong.” A snort from the composer, and he continues: “Look, maybe you’re right and he had good reasons and he was just using all the cards at his disposal. He still _ordered Beat to kill me_ and then he fucking erased all the other Players just to get **me,** Josh, because you put him in a corner and he needed me gone. I am never going to fucking do that, okay?! That is some **_seriously_** bad shit and it’s not wrong that Beat and I got some _issues_ about it, no matter how long it’s been.”

He’s silent, and Neku sure hopes that means he’s thinking about it. Joshua raises a finger. “What?” Neku says, harsher than he’d meant, but this is _serious._

“Are you referring to your third entry fee?” he asks, and Neku nods slowly. “He didn’t erase them, Neku: there _were_ no other Players, because no one could enter the Game while I was out of this universe. They Played in the Game after that; no one lost a chance because he wanted to force your erasure or your Bitou’s defection. He’s cruel, not a monster.”

He didn’t – Neku didn’t screw them all over by existing. Would have been great to know this earlier, but **apparently** he needs to ask Joshua to clarify every little fucking thing. “That’s great,” he snaps. “He’s still an asshole.”

“Oh, he absolutely was that.”

And even if Neku barely knew the guy, he’s not going to tell Beat that hey, the composer insists he wasn’t that bad! Nothing Joshua’s said about him _changed_ anything, not really, and it bothers him that Joshua feels the need to defend a guy too dead to care. None of it matters anymore, not what Joshua thought his good qualities were, not why he did what he did; all that counts is how _they_ deal with it and it ain’t Beat’s fault if he thinks the conductor’s bad news. Hell, even saying Shades was bad news and it isn’t about the job won’t help, because _Joshua_ keeps insisting he was an okay guy!

What a mess, and he sees Joshua’s smile fade to nothing and then a bit of worry. “You’re right, of course,” he says quietly, and Neku’s shoulders tighten. “Megumi is gone and if I cared about his reputation, I ought to have not killed him.” That’s not what he meant. “He hurt the both of you very badly as a result of my machinations, and seeing as he’s not here to make amends, we just have to live with it. Or not, as the case may be.”

That’s _not what he meant._ “Have you ever tried **not** making it all about you?” he says, and Joshua freezes. “Look, I know you feel bad about erasing him and maybe it’s guilt and maybe you just know how much harder your life is without him, but it’s not actually your problem if we hold a grudge. Neither is anyone worrying about what kind of person I’ll be in a few years, because even if you are the composer, you don’t control me and I got my own decisions to make. I know you want to defend me, and you feel like you need to defend Shades, too, but you need to back off, Josh. Chill.”

And he’s offended, as Neku knew he would be, but he doesn’t leave or argue and it’s progress. “You haven’t been defended enough in your life, Neku,” he mutters. “I hate it.”

“Beat isn’t a bad guy, Josh, and I don’t need protecting from him. He’s worried and he needs some distance, and if you think you can help with that, you can stay. But I don’t need you picking fights because you want them mad at you instead of frustrated with me.”

Joshua sighs, but Neku’s pretty sure he’s listening. “I’m not helping, am I.”

He really isn’t, but Neku wants him here all the same. “You could be,” he tells him. “Just don’t be a jerk and remember my friends care about me; they’re not going to hurt me on purpose and you **definitely** don’t need to push them like you do. Think Coco, not Mr H.”

“I barely know her or Kouki anymore, you know,” he mutters, but Neku thinks he got through. “He’ll be here momentarily; do I stay or go?”

Stay, Neku decides, and he’s up and looking for Beat’s cap as soon as he thinks it. Joshua stays put behind him, barely noticeable, and Neku sees Beat, sees him try to decide if Neku gets a hug. `Do it,` Joshua suggests, and they tackle each other, Beat pulling Neku into a friendly headlock and noogie. “Phones!” he says, and neither of them want it to be awkward.

“Beat!” he says back, and for a moment, he wants to kiss that bright grin. His face falls as he thinks it, though, and he goes serious instead. “Beat, I know the stuff with me’s been rough on you, but I’m not making a mistake and the composer wants to talk to you. Is that – is that okay?”

Beat goes blank, and Neku almost wishes he still had that telepathy. “Uh,” he says, and he scratches his head. “Man, bro, that’s … kind of weird, but … wait, why would the composer want to talk to me, anyway?”

“Neku cares about you,” Joshua says as he stands up, and his voice may be soft but it digs its way into Neku’s brain. “I don’t mean for you to reconsider any recent decisions you’ve made, but if granting you the chance to make your concerns about me heard could help clear the air between the two of you, I have a responsibility to do so. He’s my conductor, after all; I scarcely need him isolated when a candid conversation could avoid it, even if I’d like permission to alter a few of your memories afterward.”

Beat stretches his mouth out as he listens, trying to seem at least a little friendly, but Joshua gets to the end of his speech and Neku could punch him, if Beat doesn’t first. “You want to **_what?!_** ” Beat squawks, and Joshua pushes his hair back, so fucking casual about it, and goddammit but Neku was hoping he’d _behave._

“If you remember who I am, it’s possible for another reaper to scan that off you,” Joshua says, aggravatingly patient. “I don’t plan on retiring anytime soon, and I’m _certainly_ not willing to let someone from outside Shibuya take my job. Either you permit me to remove my name and appearance, or I risk assassination every time I leave my apartment. Your choice.”

And a hell of a choice that is. “Josh, don’t spring that on people,” Neku orders, and Joshua inclines his head.

`It happens anyway,` he replies silently. `He'd forget the moment he left my presence, but now he's aware of it.` Yeah, and he’s aware because Joshua’s **using it as a weapon …!**

Beat doesn’t rise to the bait, though, and Neku’s so proud. He just takes a deep breath and – “You’re the composer, huh,” he says, and Joshua quirks a sad smile. “You gonna get shot at if I don’t agree?”

“It’s likely, unless you planned on moving outside of Kanto within the next few days? I thought not.”

“You’re a sick bastard,” Beat says back, but he’s not angry, and Neku’s honestly confused. “Do it if you have to, but I ain’t happy. I want that straight out: I am _not_ happy, and no matter how you thought you wanted shit clear, you’re doing a shit job of it.”

He is, and Neku wants this salvaged while Beat’s still talking to him. “Josh, can you just go?” he says wretchedly. “We got stuff we need to talk about.”

“What you need to talk about is me,” Joshua says, a bit blank, and even with Neku **trying** to get it through to him not to go for the throat, he’s pretty sure Joshua didn’t get it. He rubs at his elbow, self-conscious, and Neku sees him biting his lip. It looks odd on him, and as much as Neku’s tempted to chase him off, he waits for him to speak. Just in case. “Neku, Dai – Bitou – _Beat,_ if I’m permitted to call you that?” he starts, and Beat nods roughly. “Beat, then. Neku, Beat – I am sorry for the offense I have caused, in both this and previous endeavors. This is – I have little experience in talking to people, I’m afraid, and while I thought I might put you on the same page as I with regards to this conversation, I also immediately forced a concession, which was … rude, to say the least. I won’t hold anything you say to me against you, Da – **_Beat,_** and I _do_ wish for you to, at the least, trust that I have no intention of moulding Neku into another Megumi Kitaniji. ‘Shades,’ as you call him. If you could excuse my – rough nature, I would be grateful.”

“Prissy bastard uses too many words,” he mutters to himself, and jerks up. “ _You’re_ the one who lives at the lounge,” he realizes, brow furrowing, and accuses: “You cooked us breakfast!”

“I wanted to be a good host,” Joshua explains archly, but at least Beat seems more disbelieving than upset, now. “If you would rather speak to Neku without me present, I’ll accept that, but seeing as I’m the source of your current disagreement ….”

“You just got to stick your nose into everything,” Beat says, shaking his head, and ugh, waiting for him to think was so much easier when he’d had telepathy. “Fine, we’ll talk, but if you hurt Neku, there’ll be hell to pay, you clear?”

Joshua crosses his arms, and is he pouting? He totally is. “If I hurt Neku, I’ll have _Neku_ to deal with, and that’s worse than anything you can deal out,” he says plaintively, then sticks a finger up near his chin, musing. “I don’t think I’d much like Miss Misaki’s rage, however,” and Beat laughs. “You’ve never struck me as having much of an attention span, but she could spite Shibuya for a good long while if she put her mind to it, and my city has not been kind to her. I appreciate the sentiment, but you’re simply not that intimidating, I’m afraid.”

“Harsh words from a twig,” Beat says back, looking him over, and Joshua’s probably half his weight. “Damn, you are **short,** and …” He mimes pushing two things together, and finishes: “tiny. You really want to say that?”

“Composing doesn’t require a hulking giant,” he dismisses, “but your build suits you, I suppose. Skateboarding and … carpentry, I believe? No, that was a different future – cooking! Possibly?”

Oh, for fuck’s sake. “He’s an _electrician,_ ” Neku drawls, rolling his shoulders, “which you’d know if you _listened to me._ ”

“Ah, but perhaps I thought he could use a few pointers,” Joshua says back, considering Beat seriously. “You’re very good at building things in the futures you pursue it, though I understand if you prioritize something more – lucrative. Still, I have something of a responsibility to guide my Game winners to their more promising possibilities, and you’re no exception. Beat.”

Beat crosses his arms and glances at Neku: _can you believe this guy?_ Sadly, yeah, Neku can, but Beat doesn’t need to know just _how_ utterly typical this is of him. “Wouldn’t think I’d hear career advice from some asshole who kills people,” is all he says, and Joshua looks at him mildly, like Beat’s a child.

“I don’t kill people, and neither will Neku, if he values his existence,” he says quietly, and Neku’s hair raises. “Murder is strictly forbidden for reapers, and Neku is the only living being I have ever shot. Try again, if you wish to condemn me; you of all people should understand that without the Game, you would be _dead._ ”

Oh, hell. Beat clenches his fists, unconsciously lowering his mass in preparation for a fight, and Neku straightens. This needs to stop **now,** but Beat takes a deep breath and Neku’s so, so proud. “I woulda been a goner for not killing – not **_erasing,_** sorry – Phones here, and all he did was piss off Shades. Most of the Players are fucking _innocent,_ and I don’t give a fuck if they’re dead already: Rhyme was too young, you know? So ‘fore you tell me off for not knowing the difference between UG and RG, how about you take a step back and consider _we ain’t UG._ Aight?”

“I am, though,” Joshua says, impossibly old, and he pushes his hair back. “Without a certain percentage of erasures, the UG can’t exist. That means no reapers, no players, and no **_music,_** young Bitou. I prefer resurrecting people like your Raimu when I can, but my resources are finite and I truly doubt you would do a better job. Compassion is a _weakness_ in my position, but it is necessary; much of why I want Neku as my conductor are his ideals, his values. He lacks my perspective, but that’s his strength, do you see? Now, **_grow up_** and either dismiss me or acknowledge that I am here in good faith because I would rather be loathed for what I am than the monster in the closet, unknown and unexamined. Honestly, I don’t know why I try sometimes.”

If this is him trying, Neku’d hate to see him the rest of the time. “Josh,” Neku says coldly, and he slumps, avoiding Neku’s gaze.

“I got to say,” Beat says, also tired, “I’m kind of impressed even the one who likes you doesn’t have much patience for this shit. I’d thought maybe you’d hoodwinked Phones into it, seeing as he says you ain’t that bad and all, but you don’t got the subtlety for that, do you? So fuck it; go do whatever composers do when they ain’t acting like pompous jackasses, but Neku’s worth ten of you and don’t you forget it.”

“There was never any danger of that,” Joshua mutters, and he bows his exit, deeper than Neku was really expecting, though not quite enough to be insulting. “The offer’s open,” he adds, and vanishes.

Well.

Neku hesitantly looks over at Beat, not sure what he’ll see, and his face is hard to read. Stunned, Neku thinks, and Neku can’t blame him for that. Joshua’s a trial at the best of times, and that was ….

Beat bowls over, shaking, and Neku freaks out a little before realizing: he’s _laughing._ A chuckle escapes from Neku, too, and before he knows it, they’re both cackling, though whether it’s stress or amusement, who can say? “What the **_hell_** was that?” Beat manages eventually, and Neku has no clue. 

“God, I have no idea,” he says back, and apparently it’s good enough because there’s tears leaking from Beat’s eyes and he’s smiling. “I told him to behave, and I even gave him some tips, and then he did … **that.** And the sad thing is? He was listening to me! I told him to treat you like one of his friends –”

“He has friends?” Beat says back, and it’s terrible but it’s also fucking hilarious, and Neku can’t breathe. 

He can’t breathe; he’s laughing too hard. Joshua is _so fucking incompetent_ sometimes, and Neku’s endeared. “I know! He’s actually a pretty good guy but I can’t even say that’s the worst conversation with him I’ve had. He’s just … like this!”

Beat shakes his head, still laughing intermittently, and Neku’s _so_ glad Joshua didn’t ruin it. “I can’t believe you were _partnered_ to this guy for a full week. How did you not strangle him?”

“I don’t even know,” he says. “It was hard work, though, I know that.”

“I believe it.” God, this is so wrong and Neku _really_ shouldn’t be laughing at him like this, but he can’t help it. “‘Pardon his rough nature,’” Beat mutters. “Dude does not know the meaning of the word. Are you sure he’s like this?”

“Sometimes? He’s worse.”

“I can’t even picture that.”

“What’s even better is I’m dating him.” The laughing stops, and Neku looks at him carefully. “That’s okay, right?”

He sure hopes it is, but Beat takes a deep breath, conflicted. “Ain’t really my place to say anything,” he says back, “but … you’ve known him for a while, right? He got any good points?”

And Neku goes quiet, too. “He’s kind of a loser,” he starts, knowing this is serious, “but I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone else who _gets_ me like he does, you know? He’s awkward, and an asshole, and the less you know about how mad he gets about places outside Shibuya existing the better, but he’s honestly … I understand him, and he understands me. He listens to me, too; I ask him about something and he’s happy to tell me, and if I don’t agree with something he’s doing, he explains to me what he’s up to and why, and if I still got problems with it, he keeps my thoughts in mind, too. He _respects_ me, but if he thinks I’m making a mistake, he’ll dog at me about it and make sure I know what I’m up to. Even when he really doesn’t like it, or when what I want to do is the same thing he wants from me.”

Beat doesn’t say anything. 

“I trust him, you know?” Neku adds, and he knows it’s unconvincing. “I trust him, and he thinks the _world_ of me. It’s … nice.”

Beat still takes a while to say anything. “You like him a lot,” he says finally, and Neku smiles. “Well, I ain’t gonna insult you by telling you you’re too good for him, or nothing,” and thanks for that, “but you’d best be careful not to lead him on if you’re just looking for a rebound.”

Hey! “It’s not like that!” he yelps, and Beat waves his arms, placating. 

“Hey, man, I _know_ you wouldn’t pull that shit on purpose,” he says quickly, “but you got to admit it can look that way, and I don’t want you doing anything you’re gonna regret, you know? I know it’s – I know it sucks I said what I did, but I do still want to be friends and all; I just don’t want to have much to do with that side of things and it’s already damn clear it’s going to come up sometimes. Keep that with him as much as you can, you know?”

Neku does know, and he hopes whatever Joshua’d texted him at least meant Beat wasn’t surprised by all this. “I’ll try,” he promises. “Josh’s been telling me things, and they _do_ try to give kids a chance, you know. Rhyme is ….”

“She’s safe,” Beat says flatly. “I don’t even want to allow a possibly that she could ever not be, but they get kids who get erased on the first **day.** I can’t deal with that; I got trouble believing anyone _could_ deal with that and still be an okay person. Don’t – don’t talk to me about this.”

“He can’t stop people from dying,” Neku says anyway, “and he can’t save everyone, but he wants to try. Just … don’t hold it against him too much.”

“Don’t want to,” he agrees, “but I still don’t want to think about it.”

“Yeah ….” It’s rough on Neku, too. “Life sucks.”

“Shit’s rough,” he agrees, and he looks up at the sky. Neku follows his gaze, but all he sees is an airplane overhead, off to somewhere Neku’ll never go. “You holding up okay?” Beat says finally, a bit guilty, and it’s not his fault the answer was no for a while there. 

And Neku’s not that good a liar. “I’m okay now,” he assures him. “On break, you know? Last semester kind of sucked by the end, but I got through it all right. Josh helped, with some of it. You?”

“Ain’t too bad,” he says with some relief, though Neku knows he didn’t exactly want to hear that about Joshua. “Got to get out of the house sometime, though, and – I don’t know what’s going to happen there, I really don’t.”

Yeah, Neku wouldn’t want to deal with the Bitou parents all the time, either. “Could split with me,” he says slyly, and Beat jumps a little. “You’d even have the place to yourself most of the time; I got stuff to do in the studio, you know? Coursework and shit.”

It’d keep him out of trouble, too, and he thinks Beat might be considering it. Even with the – it’s not really a break up; it’s just an adjustment. It’s okay. They can deal, and if it’s that big a problem, he’ll just crash with Joshua most of the time. “You’re a student, though,” Beat says blankly. “Your folks really going to be okay with that?”

“I wasn’t going to tell them,” he admits, and ugh, this is awkward. “They’re kind of – I don’t know if I could get away with living away from them again if they’re covering it, but I’d get paid if I’m living in Shibuya ….”

“Bit expensive for me,” Beat mutters, and it’s a bit of an understatement. He’s not uninterested, though, and Neku sends a quick text. The reply’s more detailed than he’d expected, and he rereads it just to be sure.

“It’d _really_ be mostly your space,” he announces, and Beat gives him a weird look. “I got a room for myself down at the lounge, but the composer says he can move that to be part of a real apartment if I’ve got one.”

“So we don’t have to share,” Beat concludes, and he sounds relieved. Neku tries not to feel disappointed. 

“We don’t have to share,” he confirms. “Not more than an address and a fridge, anyway.”

And it’s hard to do better than that. “I’ll think about it,” Beat concedes, and that’s good enough for now.

“Thanks.”

* * *

They talk a bit more after that – mostly about Rhyme, actually, since she’s easy to agree on – and Neku feels … not relieved, exactly, but accomplished. He’s getting by.

Score one for having an okay conversation with his ex. And for lasting fairly long as whatever-they-were before breaking up, too: most of his classmates can’t say the same. He’s doing all right, and he’s contemplating heading back to campus a few days early before it occurs to him that he _really_ should check on Joshua. Phone, contacts ….

Click. “Joshua?” Neku asks, and he hears a chuckle that is definitely not his sort-of-boyfriend.

“Hey, Phones,” Mr H says, and what exactly is he doing with Joshua’s cell? “I got Josh; he’s fine, by the way, though he’s marinading in self pity on my couch. You want to pick him up, or just wait for him to head back on his own?”

He wants for Joshua to not go running off to Hanekoma every time there’s a problem, that’s what. “Stick him on,” he says shortly, tapping his foot, and Mr H sighs.

“Can do, but you ain’t gonna get much useful out of him. Here,” and there’s a muffled sound as he passes it over, before: “Hello?” Joshua says, and his voice is weirdly rough.

“What was that about?” Neku says, and part of him wants to be furious, but … but it deflates, and he doesn’t know if he’s okay with that. “Josh? … I know you can hear me; I want an answer, damn it.”

“I don’t know, Neku,” he mutters, voice small, and of course he doesn’t. Not like anyone could have figured out that’d go over poorly, no sir; he’s just the incompetent innocent and … maybe this isn’t a chat to have over the phone. “I’m not very good at managing my emotions, or balancing openness with tact, and I shouldn’t have – I shouldn’t have said any of that, and it would have been better if I took my exit before burning any bridges. I’m sorry.”

He should be, but Neku doesn’t say it, hopes he didn’t think it loud enough for Joshua to notice. He’s alienated people while upset, too, and Joshua knows he did wrong. Yelling at him’d do more harm than good, and he’s already on the defensive. “Beat and I made up, I think,” Neku says instead, and Joshua sighs relief. “We’re not – we’re not like we were, and I think he was kind of stressed out by me, but you didn’t fuck up everything. He was going to hate you anyway.”

“I know,” he says back, and Neku thinks he might be sad about it. “Your friends are good people, Neku, and they’re right that I’m ….”

Joshua’s a lot of things. “Go get Mr H to make sure you’re fed or whatever,” Neku orders. “Take care of yourself; I’ll be there in a few minutes, and you’ll do better next time, right?”

“I’ll try, but I can’t promise anything –” he starts hesitantly, and Neku wonders if he’s ever going to get used to Joshua being nervous about him. 

“Trying is good enough for now. _You didn’t fuck up too bad,_ Josh,” he says again, because he needs to get that through. “You seriously need work on your conversation skills, but Beat’s talking to me again and that’s what matters. I will be there in a few.” And he hangs up, pretty damn sure Joshua’d take up all his time if he got the chance. 

It’s okay, dude! Neku is not that mad! He and Beat laughed it off and while Josh wrecked whatever chance he had that Beat would like him, Beat _already_ disliked him. The only harm done was to Joshua’s pride, and Neku hurries over to Cat Street. Hanekoma might be a fucking asshole, but at least he’s got practice handling Joshua’s ego, and that’s better than nothing.

The shoo’s closed when he gets there, but he bangs on the door rudely and ends up looking Hanekoma in the eye. He hadn’t realized they were near the same height, but Mr H wordlessly moves out of the way and Neku bows his way in. 

“Beat says he’ll consider rooming with me,” he says quickly, and a familiar pair of ears and a dog snout perk up from behind the counter. “I might be getting a place in Shibuya sometime soon, with any luck.”

“No dogs in the kitchen,” Hanekoma hisses, and Joshua barks disagreement, jumping over the counter and fizzling back into Neku’s boyfriend. 

“I’ll keep an ear out for any place that I think suits you both, then,” he says, walking over, and Neku gives him a dorky smile. “If not, I can likely finangle you a postage stamp of your own, but that’s tricky at your current age; it’s much easier if you’re quietly sharing with another tenant. Well?”

He’s right there, so Neku kisses his forehead and Joshua presses close to him. “You seemed upset,” he says, and it’s a bit of an understatement. “You okay now?”

“If you are,” he says easily, and Neku feels his face heat. “Sanae?” he calls. “It would sound more earnest coming from you.”

 _What would?_ Neku mouths silently, but Joshua just sticks close to him and doesn’t explain. “Phones,” Hanekoma says, and he jerks up. “Josh said you promised to take up some duties by next break, and that’s a good idea, but we think you ought to travel a bit ‘fore you go UG again.”

“Nothing big,” Joshua reassures him, looking up, and Neku has no idea what to do with this. “Simply seeing some of the other islands would suffice, and then you don’t have to do it again if you don’t want to.”

“But you do have to do it,” Hanekoma states, and Neku bristles. “Go see where some of your classmates come from, or some’at; the boss don’t care what so long as you ain’t swearing yourself to Shibuya when you’ve barely left Tokyo.”

It shouldn’t be their business how much he has or hasn’t traveled, and he bristles a little. But Josh does have the right to be concerned about him, and … yeah, okay, it’s not even that hard of a thing to do. “I’ll figure something out,” he says irritably, and the other two share a look. 

“Consider it a late graduation present,” Hanekoma says, and Joshua pulls Neku down into a kiss. Guh, it’s a bit weird with Hanekoma there, and he’s pretty sure Joshua’s trying to butter him up, but to hell with it: it’s fine. He’s probably going to head back to campus today anyway, and Joshua beams at him, though Neku thinks he might be a bit pained for doing it. 

`Sanae, leave us for a moment, would you?` Joshua says briskly, leading Neku to a chair and hopping up onto a table for the height advantage without ever letting go of him. `We know you serve food here, don't worry.`

Hanekoma sighs, and Neku pulls out of the embrace just enough to see him rolling his eyes, fond. “I really got to teach you some manners, J,” he says, heading upstairs, “but you both be good now, and Neku: you got any problems with school or with getting in contact with J, you call me, all right? I ain’t a professional for nothing and we also got to work out a proper vacation for you.”

“Thanks, Mr H!” Neku calls back, and he waves before ducking out of sight. He’s still not a good person, and Neku doesn’t want to like him, but ….

“He means well,” Joshua says seriously, his hands on Neku’s shoulders, and it’s a bit funny to be looking _up_ at him like this. “Now, Neku, you aren’t going to be able to call me while you’re on campus,” he starts –

“Why not get a prepaid phone?” Neku interrupts. “Then you don’t need a recurring plan, and you only pay for the minutes you actually use. Keep it charged here, and then you can call me with me being RG.”

Joshua leans back, stunned, then pulls him into a kiss again, and Neku laughs into his mouth. `I love you,` he proclaims. `Thank you _so_ much.`

Hey, he can think of things, too. And it’s _way_ better than imposing on Hanekoma every time they want to chat, and mmm – Joshua slides down onto his lap, and Neku pulls him close, his hands precariously close to where Joshua’s wings go, and Joshua moves to suck on his neck. 

` Not right now,` he says, and Neku obligingly moves his hands down a little, `but I'll be thinking of you, you know. You're very good to me, Neku.`

“Hey, you’re the one offering to cover my rent,” he says back, and they both laugh. Oh, god, Joshua’s probably giving him a hickey, and he can feel his amusement in his mind and that’s _not a denial,_ Josh! He’ll accept it this time, though, and Joshua giggles as he moves up to nibble on his ear.

Ugh, he almost wishes they were anywhere else, but Joshua projects contentment and yeah, okay. Joshua’d probably make him stay overnight again if they tried going back to his place, and he really should be heading back to his dorm. “You’re going to take care of yourself, right?” he says, and Joshua pulls back to look at him.

“Absolutely,” he says, and he means it. “I expect you to do the same, dear conductor, and you should have many stories for me, hm~?” And, almost as an afterthought: “And see if you can get any of them to move to Shibuya, too. Any friends of yours are friends of mine.”

God, he’s predictable. “The rent’s kind of high for that, but I’ll get them to visit so you can at least see what they’re like, I promise.”

“I suppose that’s good enough,” he grumbles. “Maybe they’ll move here when they’re gainfully employed, instead.”

“Yeah, maybe.” The rent’s still kind of high for that, though, and he scritches the back of Joshua’s neck, amused as he leans back into Neku’s fingers and fuck, he’s adorable. 

And Joshua’s eyelids flutter and he looks so _proud_ of Neku, and Neku flushes. “Your things are on the table behind you,” Joshua murmurs, “and I think you should perhaps be going?” It’s not so much a question as a bit of a squeak, and yeah, okay. Before they work each other up enough to jump him in fucking _Wildkat._

Neku nods and pulls back, as Joshua surreptitiously gets off his lap and back up onto the table, and Neku stands up. “I love you,” he says simply, collecting his belongings, and Joshua watches him wistfully as he goes. 

“See you, Neku,” Joshua says, and he’s gone. 

* * *

It’s strange being in his dorm again, but it’s nice, too. He hears the faint sounds of other people living, and try as he might, nothing _more_ than that, their thoughts their own in a way he’s not sure he likes. 

Best get used to it. It’s how everyone else is, he supposes, and he might as well try sampling a normal life before he heads back to the UG.

And he will, he’s pretty sure. He can do a lot of good there, and he doesn’t want to give any of it up.

There’s so many things he can do, and this semester, at least, will be different. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a little bit the end! But only a little bit. Epilogue will be up as a separate fic in the same series on Monday and Friday next week (it's two parts), and then we'll see how long it takes for me to finish the next actual sequel! (Likely a while.) Reminder that it's a really good idea to subscribe to the [series](http://archiveofourown.org/series/169739) rather than just this fic, but, you know. You do you?
> 
> I hope you've been enjoying this lengthy saga of teenagers making bad decisions, and I'd be thrilled to hear your thoughts on it all either now or after the epilogue! Or both? And as always, 'this was awesome' is peerfectly fine if you don't want to go into detail about what you liked or didn't like. :B


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